[midorigirl]

My fiancé and I have been together for just over 16 months, engaged for just over 4. We set a wedding date (Feb 2010) shortly after our engagement and started planning. We moved in together almost 2 months ago. Everything has been fine - up until a week or so ago. His mood started going really down hill, he seemed so sad and distant all of a sudden. I didn't give it too much thought, until he sent me a text message a few days ago saying "I'm so confused, I need to sort some stuff out". I prompted him when he got home, wondering if it was something to do with our wedding. I was right, he admitted he had cold feet and was just being a chicken, he'd get over it.

I was so upset. I asked if we still had a future, to which he replied we did. He said he's been thinking that we're moving too fast, then the next minute he's thought "Nah, it'll all be ok". I asked him if he wants me to cancel the bookings I've made, but he replied that he "didn't know". He still hugs and kisses me, and tells me he loves me, but he's so sad. Last night while talking I asked him if he wants to get married. He said he did. I asked if he still wants to marry me... and he said "I'd like to think it was you"

I contacted his mother, and she said she'd seen him. She says he's upset, seems very confused and doesn't know what he wants. In fact, he doesn't really even know what the problem is, but it's his mix-up and nothing to do with me. She told me to give him time to sort his head out, and she's convinced he'll come back to normal. His sister is a marriage counsellor, so he's going to talk to her about everything. I told him we could stay living together as an engaged couple if he wanted, and approach marriage again when he's ready.

I'm so terrified he's going to take the 'easy way' out and leave me. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I just want the old him back. What should I do?

[talaniman]

Cancel the wedding, and give it another year. I don't think living together is a good idea either. I think he needs plenty of room. Give it to him. Sorry, but you should protect yourself.

[artlady]

I agree with Tal,cancel the wedding,at least for now.

Marriage is for life and it is not to be taken lightly.You haven't even been together two years and already planning a life time together.

Just because he is not ready to make that lifetime commitment does not mean he does not love you.

I think once the *wedding* pressure is off you will get your old guy back.

[midorigirl]

I want to mention postponing the wedding to him... but he tells me not to think or worry about him or his problems, and just think about me. Last night he talked to his father about what was going on, and he said that he thinks his father's advice helped a little. He hasn't talked to his sister yet, or in-depth with his mother for that matter.

I wonder if part of it is a fear of it not working. His parents are divorced, his father remarried, and his sister is onto her third marriage. He comes from a very broken family, except for his grandparents (father's parents) who have been together 61 years.

Last night he was holding my hand and glancing at my engagement ring. I wanted to ask if he remembered why he put it there, but I didn't. This morning, I was just about to tell him I loved him, when he looked at me and said "You know I love you, eh?"

He was kind of being a pain in the this morning... he was poking and prodding me, and holding me down, like he does when he's in one of his silly moods. I don't know if he's trying to change (and failing) because next moment he seems down again.

Part of me thinks he wants to work everything out, the other part fears he'll leave. I think I'm more confused than he is.

[artlady]

Keep those lines of communication open.Guessing how someone feels is in exercise in futility.You never know if you getting it right.

Talk it out,not so much about the wedding or putting it off but relationships in general.

What are both of your needs and wants in a relationship.What are your expectations? Discuss what marriage means to you.

I don't think involving his family is a good idea,talk about pressure..

Communication the key,the one key that either makes or breaks a relationship.

[midorigirl]

It's a bit late now, he's already spoken with his parents and sister. He came home after talking to his mother (to pick something up) and said it seemed to be helping, he was kind of positive when he came home, gave me a kiss, said I love you, and was on his way again (to go back and speak to his sister)

He was down again when he finally came home. He said they've helped all they can, but now it's up to him to work through his thoughts for himself. I said to him, "You're going to leave me, aren't you?" and went to bed. He came in, sat on the bed and held my hands. He said "I'm not going to leave, I DO want to work through this, but I want to call off the marriage indefinitely; I'm not ready for that yet"

He says everything will sort itself, then he says "Prepare for the worst". Next minute he says he doesn't want to split, because it would destroy both of us. Then, he says if we split he'd keep paying the rent, because he sees us getting back together". He's so muddled.

2 days later and he's still not communicating. I asked him if he could tell me anything, but he said "Don't push me to talk, I know what I'm like, and if you do, I'll likely close up and never tell you anything. Just being here for me is all the support I need from you right now". He reckons he'll talk when he's figured out the answers, despite not knowing all the questions. He thinks a lot now, and is pretty unaffectionate towards me (I don't know if he means to be, or whether it's because of his muddled mind)

He wants to figure everything out ASAP; within a few weeks. I'm considering moving back in with my parents for a week or so, to see if he'll try to win me back. I'll just tell him I'm going, and go. Reason being, when I first brought that idea up, he said no - he needed me there to do things for him. I don't think he meant to be so insensitive, just spoke before he thought, I think.

I wish he'd just put up a front and worked through his feelings without making it apparent to me. I've gone from happy and secure, to living my life in a depressed limbo.

[Dare81]

This whole situation is very unfair to you.Both of you are getting married, not just him so you should at least know what is going on in his mind.

If I was me I would not wait around for him to make his mind.He can't figure all this out in a couple of weeks by himself.Call of the wedding and take control of the situation.

[talaniman]

Whether you know it, or not this situation will set the pattern to the way you both deal with each others hopes, and fears in the future. Your also getting a preview, of how he copes with his own feelings, and how he expresses them to you. My guess is this has happened before on other issues, but was not addressed at the time.

The decision to separate, I think is a good one, and I feel he should do things for himself without your influence.

For whatever reason he is having a problem with a commitment to the future happiness of you both, this is a decision he has to make alone.

No communication, no relationship, however you define it. You really need to honestly re-evaluate your future with him.

[Romefalls19]

Good thing the wedding was called off, anytime you have second thoughts or the other person has them it's not going to do well. Give him the space he wants and do not contact him unless he contacts you. I know it's going to be hard, but this is something that is the best for both of you.

[midorigirl]

Whether you know it, or not this situation will set the pattern to the way you both deal with each others hopes, and fears in the future. Your also getting a preview, of how he copes with his own feelings, and how he expresses them to you. My guess is this has happened before on other issues, but was not addressed at the time.

He hasn't told me everything about his ex-girlfriends, but his past two relationships were 18 and 12 months respectively, and they both ended with him being cheated on. I have wondered whether these current issues have stemmed from him being treated badly in past relationships. I know his last girlfriend really screwed with his head as well.

I'm going back to my parents tonight. I'll just leave him a note telling him he knows where to find me. I know he's quite uncomfortable about going to my parents house on his own, so this would be a test for him.

[talaniman]

Don't fall for any begging BS, until you know what his problem is.

You really need more info into his thinking, facts, not assumptions.

[midorigirl]

Urgh... I finally decided to tell my BFF's what was going on with us, considering one was supposed to be my bridesmaid. They've come back with floods of support for me. One's coming to visit tonight, the other on Friday, the last two I'm yet to hear from.

I thought I'd text my fiancé to let him know that one of my girls is coming tonight (not that it should concern him, he won't even be there) and he got defensive big-time. He said "You should probably let her know that it won't help if she gets involved".

I started stressing and shaking and texted back. I said that she's there for me, and did he think I shouldn't have anyone to talk to? I told him he had plenty of people he could speak with, it was his problem if he didn't want to. I think he was worried she was going to visit him and get in his face, as I told him us girls are all very protective of each other.

I told him that none of my friends will be speaking to him right now, and especially not unless it's something positive. I said I don't have him, so I need my girls right now. He just replies with "Fair enough. I'm sorry for putting you through this babe, I really am. Just know that I love you heaps".

I honestly wish I didn't love and care about him so deeply, otherwise I'd walk out on this sh*t.

[talaniman]

Leave him alone for a while. I see a lot of confusion starting, that's based on emotion, and not facts.

[artlady]

Its like you are punishing him for feeling the way he feels.Or punishing him for his confusion.
His feelings should be validated even if you don't understand them,they are still his feelings.

I'm so terrified he's going to take the 'easy way' out and leave me

Then stop pushing him away and give him time to figure out what is ailing him.Could be too much pressure!

[midorigirl]

My world has officially come crashing down. My fiancé decided to talk to me the other night. He pretty much said "I know this is going to hurt you, and I love you and care for you so much, but I'm not IN LOVE with you"

Cue lots of tears on both our parts. The real kick in the guts was him telling me he doesn't know if he's ever been in love with me. He said he THOUGHT it was love. He says he knows what love feels like, because he was deeply in love with his ex GF (the one who cheated on him) and he can't understand why he doesn't have those SAME feelings for me. He figures he should have those same feelings and so much more, because he's never been with anyone who makes him feel as special and as loved as I do.

I told him that people feel different types of love for different people, and he is foolish to hope that he'll feel the same type of love for me, that he felt for his ex. He can't tell me he's never been in love with me, otherwise he would never have said or done 99% of the things he has in the past.

I feel some of the problem may be that we've spent so much time together over the past 6-8 months, building steadily until the point we were living together, that we've forgotten what it's like to be apart and to miss each other. His mother has suggested he go to visit his family in Australia for a few weeks, and not contact me at all, to see if absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Neither my or his family want to see the end of us.

I don't think he wants us to be over either. His mother told me he keeps turning up at her workplace or home in tears and wanting to talk. He keeps telling me he hopes this sorts itself out, and he finds that little thing he feels is missing. He wants to feel the same love for me that I feel for him. He says he hopes he comes crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness. He's struggling so much with his thoughts right now, as am I.

I'm really hoping some time apart will fix things, but I understand that taking time out may mean he'll never come back, or may only come back as a friend. I really hope that this time out makes us stronger. I think he's officially moving out tomorrow.

I hope this isn't the end of us. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

[cozyk]

It's a bit late now, he's already spoken with his parents and sister. He came home after talking to his mother (to pick something up) and said it seemed to be helping, he was kind of positive when he came home, gave me a kiss, said I love you, and was on his way again (to go back and speak to his sister)

He was down again when he finally came home. He said they've helped all they can, but now it's up to him to work through his thoughts for himself. I said to him, "You're going to leave me, aren't you?" and went to bed. He came in, sat on the bed and held my hands. He said "I'm not going to leave, I DO want to work through this, but I want to call off the marriage indefinitely; I'm not ready for that yet"

He says everything will sort itself, then he says "Prepare for the worst". Next minute he says he doesn't want to split, because it would destroy both of us. Then, he says if we split he'd keep paying the rent, because he sees us getting back together". He's so muddled.

2 days later and he's still not communicating. I asked him if he could tell me anything, but he said "Don't push me to talk, I know what I'm like, and if you do, I'll likely close up and never tell you anything. Just being here for me is all the support I need from you right now". He reckons he'll talk when he's figured out the answers, despite not knowing all the questions. He thinks a lot now, and is pretty unaffectionate towards me (I don't know if he means to be, or whether it's because of his muddled mind)

He wants to figure everything out ASAP; within a few weeks. I'm considering moving back in with my parents for a week or so, to see if he'll try to win me back. I'll just tell him I'm going, and go. Reason being, when I first brought that idea up, he said no - he needed me there to do things for him. I don't think he meant to be so insensitive, just spoke before he thought, I think.

I wish he'd just put up a front and worked through his feelings without making it apparent to me. I've gone from happy and secure, to living my life in a depressed limbo.

Oh girl, you need to leave asap. You are allowing him to dictate your future. Move in with your parents. Not to play games with him so that he will try to "win you back". That is childish. His behavior is telling me"he's just not that into you". I really hate to be insensitive but it is what it is. You don't want someone that has to be talked into marrying you. Or manipulated into marrying you. You want someone who just can't wait to be married to you. If he has "things to figure out" then he is not ready. Maybe he will be ready someday and MAYBE you will still be interested.

[Dare81]

He said he does not love you.Take this at it face value and move on.Why would you wait around for someone who does not love you.Would you rather be married to someone who is truly in love with you or someone who is always second guessing if he made the right decision.

[makapuu]

You said that your fiancée loves you but is not "in love" with you. You have said that you love him, but are you "in love" with him? Many people think that being "in love" is just a temporary state, but it isn't. Loving someone can happen regardless of where they are, or who they are with. Being "in love" is the glue that keeps partners together.
Do you want to marry someone that loves you but does not desire you?

[i_am_the_lady]

Hi Midorgirl,

I am glad I found your post here. I just became a member of this site today. It is good to find people who have the time to share their unbiased ideas about what you're going through - because that is what we need at these times: unclouded analysis of the situation.

I just broke up with my boyfriend last night. We have been living together for almost three years now, but we have lost the spark for the last few months. There is still too much love and respect in the relationship but I decided to leave because I need to be with a man who doesn't think twice about me.

It all started when I read an email he sent a friend stating that he doesn't think I am the one anymore. This is the most caring and respectful and affectionate guy in the world and if I weren't for me being very observant ( I noticed the passion for me dwindling), I would still be living with him right now! It took him a long time to finally give me an honest answer - and I cannot even begin to tell you of the pain I had to go through knwoing that the person you though was the one for you wonders if you really are the one.

Forward to a few days, I decided to move out and find a place of my own, he stopped me from doing that, we went to his parents for Xmas last year, and that somehow rekindled the loving relationship. A few weeks after, we were back to where we were again.

I have moved out for good a few days ago. He has been calling and emailing me - and I am not going to lie that his efforts didn't make me happy but I figured I wouldn't get anywhere if he will always be tailing me. So last night, I told him to just give me space and let me move on with my life, because I don't want to wait for him to make a decision anymore.

It is hard. But I know I am making the right decision. I feel so lonely but I will start to join groups and classes to meet people and take my mind off him.

I love him but I love myself too. And I deserve this.