[lostdad009]

Hi,
this is my first post as I really don't know where else to ask so I thought I'd give this a try.

A long story but here goes. Split with my X in 2001, three kids, haven't scene my oldest daughter since she was 13, hates me, even though her mother had the affair.

Yup, made a big mistake when she said she hated me on boxing day( my 13 year old at the time) several years ago, told her to pack her bags brought her into her mothers.

Well, I tried to make it better, and have never forget about her birthday or Xmas but never hear from her at all. Her mother said she never had to see me again, well here we go...


My son is 12, grade 7, two older sisters, his oldest sister (the one that is described above)is away at University, but continually cut him down, kicked him out of the house when his mother wasn't there. Overall a girl bully to him. His mother always backed his sister. He does get along well with his other sister.

He is a very big kid, 12 and 6'3", almost as tall as me. He doesn't like anyone he is in school with, hates them as he puts it. Although he does hang around with a couple friends, he says he doesn't like them either. His school work is slipping, just had a call from his teacher. If he wasn't so damn smart he would be failing, but he's getting by without doing anything. He sits in the class as quiet as a mouse (the teacher just told me)

He doesn't want to come to my house as I live in the country, his mother lives in town. She can't control him, he just looks down at her and laughs and walks out the door to hang around with the friends he doesn't like...

Recently had him at my house piling firewood,( I burn wood for heat), and he disappeared and walked into town (6 miles) rather than finishing the job, and I was going to pay him.

He is a smart kid, but I think really having a hard time being in a mans body and only twelve years old. When trying sports he was always clumsy and hated being bugged, so he dropped out of anything to do with team sports. Used to go skiing with me now hates heights.

He is quiet and shy... starting to really concern me and totally feel helpless

He does take guitar lessons and karate.

Guess I may not even know what to ask here, hopefully a little advice or suggestions from another parent.

Thanks for any thoughts

[Claire58]

Hey, I feel really bad for you and all that's going on. You should try to reach out to your son. KEEP TRYING. He mite act out at first but neva get frustrated, just let him know that you're there for him. Do things together but try to know when he needs his own space. Just let him know in every way possible that you love him. From the sound of it, u've already lost your daughter, don't lose your son too.

[Megan78]

Tell him you want to talk to him like a friend a not a dad. Ask him what's going on but make sure he knows your there for him and you care. I can kind of relate in a way, when my 16 year old son was 12ish he got into the whole punk thing which most boys his age didn't have a clue about. He was excluded in school by the other kids for a while, I assume because they didn't know what to think of his hair and clothes. He was all depressed for a while and there wasn't much me or his dad could do. Basically we encouraged him to be who he wanted to be nonstop and now he thanks us for that..
Hope my wee story helps.

[artlady]

When you are involved in a task together,casually approach the subject of his life.Ask his opinion on something,just get a dialogue going.

Not lecturing him but just talking as pals.Tell him a story about your most embarrassing moment as a kid his age.

Let him know that you understand what it is like to be 12.
Share with him the insecurities we all felt at 12.

Once you have established a good rapport with him,then in time you can move on to discuss the issues that concern you.

Ask him to teach you something about karate or guitar.Write a song together.If you try enough different ways ,you are bound to find a way to bond.

Keep working at it.You will find a common ground.Don't give up if your first attempts are rejected.