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sosadtoday92 · Mar 4, 2009, 09:13 AM

I have just stumbled upon the fact that my boyfriend has a long term porn addiction. From what I found, I know it is something that has been going on for many years and that he knows it is an addiction. I really need honest opinions from genuine porn addicts themselves. Please help with any or all questions.

-Does he know that he is depriving us of intimacy (he says he has a low drive right now) or just covering for his mistress (porn)?
-Does looking at so many different women make you do something worse like cheating in real life?
-Can you truly love another person?
-By looking at so many young airbrushed girls and videos, does looking at a partner sicken you because they are not that way?
Do you love it more than your partner or do you feel guilty?

Let me add that I think all stimulants (toys, videos, cuffs) are very fun, I just am concerned about the amount of time and trying to understand so I can tlak about it in a non-emotional way.

suddenImpact · Mar 4, 2009, 09:55 AM

There are two main reasons I think guys watch porn. One, because watching other people have sex is a turn on... its not that they think any less of the girl they are with, and it don't change their opinion of them at all, it is just something different that gets them going. The second, is I think guys tend to watch things they want to do themselves, and maybe are too nervous to ask their girl, or they already and the girl says no or something... make sense?

excon · Mar 4, 2009, 10:04 AM

Hello s:

Porn is the reason you think you're having troubles... I don't share your opinion.

Lots of people enjoy porn and don't deny their significant other anything. You seem to think it's one way or the other... In a healthy relationship, it's not.

I suggest you look a little deeper into the root causes of your problems. I'll bet it has to do more with communication than it does naked chicks.

excon

sosadtoday92 · Mar 4, 2009, 10:40 AM

I am just trying to logically understand some of the questions I have above- quite frankly there is a lot of ego and emotion tied to this for me.

And it is all about the porn and the intimacy distance I think it creates.

Synnen · Mar 4, 2009, 10:55 AM

No--it really IS about communication.

For instance, YOU need to communicate that if he's admitted that he is an addict, he needs to get treatment for it, or you are gone.

Men are VISUAL. They LIKE looking at naked women. That doesn't mean they compare all of those women to YOU--they just like looking.

Look, if you're going to save your relationship, if you really think it's worth saving, then he needs to be in treatment, and you BOTH need to be in couples counseling.

None of us can tell you what is going on in HIS head. You have to ask HIM those questions to get an answer.

smoothy · Mar 4, 2009, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by sosadtoday92

I have just stumbled upon the fact that my boyfriend has a long term porn addiction. From what I found, I know it is something that has been going on for many years and that he knows it is an addiction. I really need honest opinions from genuine porn addicts themselves. Please help with any or all questions.

-Does he know that he is depriving us of intimacy (he says he has a low drive right now) or just covering for his mistress (porn)?
-Does looking at so many different women make you do something worse like cheating in real life?
-Can you truly love another person?
-By looking at so many young airbrushed girls and videos, does looking at a partner sicken you b/c they are not that way?
Do you love it more than your partner or do you feel guilty?

Are you addicted to Soap Operas, romance novels or shopping? If you do any of those are you aware you are detracting time from devoting yourselve to your boyfriends every beacon call... or spending money that can be better spent on things like retirement accounts. Watching Soap operas Reading Romance novels portrayes an unrealistic perspective of relationships and fosters lustful thoughts... and are totally unrealistic and pure acts of fiction.

Shopping should not consume hours of time... If you need pants, you go buy pants and leave... shopping should never take more than 20 minutes, tops.

I say that not in the spirit of being a smartazz, but in the spirit of getting women to grasp that their perspective isn't the only valid one.

smalltowngal · Mar 5, 2009, 03:13 PM

Is porn the issue, or is the real problem that he's been hiding something from you? No matter what your interests, you should be able to be open and honest with your partner about everything. It doesn't mean you will always share the same interests or agree on everything, but you should at least be able to discuss it. Why did he feel the need to hide this from you? Is there something about you that makes him afraid to discuss things with you? (Not laying blame here... just saying that it seems to me there are problems on both sides). Is there something you need to do to help him to trust you so that he will talk to you about these things? Is it possible that he is hiding other things? (Not necessarily as serious as this issue is for you, but is he lying about other things as well?)

I'm not sure I understand the idea of porn being an addiction. Just for an example, I spend more time watching TV or being on my computer than many men do watching porn. Does that make me an addict, or is it simply something I enjoy? I also spend more time watching TV than I do with my husband (due to me being a stay at home mom and his work schedule). Does that mean I'm cheating on him? Anyway, that's just my opinion.

Back to your questions, you mentioned that he has a low sex drive. I doubt if that's because of the porn he's looking at. While the images I'm sure are quite nice for him to look at, they can't replace the feeling of a real woman. I think my interest here would be in finding out why he has a low sex drive. It could mean a trip to the doctor.

I don't think looking at pictures of women will make you cheat in real life. If someone has the kind of personality that would allow them to cheat, pictures aren't going to make a bit of difference. And no, he's not going to be sickened by looking at his partner. Women look at other men all the time and it doesn't take anything away from how they feel about their partners. Men aren't stupid. They know the pictures are airbrushed. They know that most of these women need surgeries to look the way they do. And while most men do appreciate the look of a pair of fake boobs, I always understood that they really do prefer the way real ones shake and feel. I could be wrong. It's just what I've heard several times.

Yes, you can definitely truly love another person. But if you're asking yourself that, it could be that you're in a relationship with the wrong person. And with all of these questions, it also sounds like you're lacking communication with your partner.

Porn doesn't have to be a bad thing. I love watching porn with my husband. It helps to set the mood, it lets me know he's interested, and it's a great way to open up discussions. "Ooohhh, let's try THAT position." Is this something that the two of you could do together, or are you really concerned that it is an addiction? If that's the case, you need to talk to him about getting counselling. Maybe even couples counselling for both of you to help you with the communication issues.

Lawrence41 · Mar 7, 2009, 01:35 PM

Hi SoSad,

Thanks very much for sharing your struggles. It sounds like your boyfriend does indeed have
A pornography/sexual addiction. He does need treatment and may well need you to set an ultimatum about this. I would suggest looking up Sex Addicts Anonymous. There are many groups all over the country that can help your boyfriend recover and discovery true intimacy.
Take care and God bless you.

plonak · Mar 7, 2009, 01:58 PM

I agree with Lawrence41.. this guy has an addiction and it's a problem..

It's effecting what's going on in the bedroom and that's not OK. Porn addition is a nasty one and is really hard to break, or for what I've been told..

He needs help.. and I suggest you leave while you still can.. I dated an addict and not to sound pessimistic but usually they don't break these things.. it's just the sad fact of life.. go and find yourself someone healthy

smoothy · Mar 9, 2009, 05:34 AM

I think most people with this fixation on " Porn Addiction" use that as an excuse for their own sexual repression.

Fact is a lot of women just suck in bed... and without a doubt some guys too.

But Porn isn't the cause.

Ren6 · Mar 9, 2009, 06:02 AM

There's looking at porn (normal), and then there's looking at porn and whacking off to it so frequently that you have nothing left to offer sexually in your own relationship. If the guy is neglecting his partner due to a "low" sex drive, but masturbating to porn on a daily basis, that's a real problem.

You do need to confront your guy about this issue. If his "low" sex drive keeps him from you, but not away from his porn, that's addiction, and it needs to be addressed for the sake of your relationship. Please get couples counseling. If he refuses to go, let him go. You didn't sign up for a life of celibacy.

450donn · Mar 9, 2009, 08:10 AM

You said it in the title. Addiction! Do a web search on porn addiction and see how bad it really is in our society. People do not want to believe that porn is/can be a problem, but one only needs to look at the number of posts on the subject in this forum to understand the reality of the situation. That reality is, he has an addiction. It could be cocaine, alcohol, or sex, no matter he has an addiction. Unless he is interested in changing that pattern, you have no choice but to tell him good by!

smoothy · Mar 9, 2009, 11:15 AM

Yeah... addiction all right... just like football addiction, Basketball addiction, Baseball addiction, soap opera addiction, Cola addiction, coffee adiction... fixetion addiction... shopping addiction, Beer addiction.. church addiction.. rap music addiction, yadda yadda yadda...

Synnen · Mar 9, 2009, 11:24 AM

This is NOT a discussion of whether porn can be an addiction! Take that discussion to a Members Discussion Thread.

Either answer the OP's questions or don't, but don't make this a platform for arguing with each other about whether porn is addictive.

sosadtoday92 · Feb 17, 2010, 08:56 AM

My BF of 2years and I live together. Everything was going wonderful. When we struggled like couples, we always made it through. A month ago we got in a fight and everything started unraveling with drama and intensity quickly. Since then he has said he wanted to move out- doesn't know what he wants- is completely unhappy with his life- is majorly depressed- feels the strong urge to go on his own- he needs "me" time- can't commit to marriage anymore like we planned- doesn't know if I am the one- loves me so much- doesn't want to live without me.. etc.

His therapist said he has issues with commitments in all areas of his life and I feel like he is running and the "grass is always greener".

When he unloaded all of this on me, I cried and said I love you etc. He said he was so confused and we should give this 30 days to see if he gets out of this funk. He left for one night because we were both so upset and he came home that night saying he loved me so much. It has been 7 days and things were slooowly and awkwardly getting back to a balance. Yesterday he emailed me his head is all messed up and I responded it is difficult for me to live like this b.c I am worth being sure of and if he needed to go he could. He then went and looked at apartments. I did not cry this time, but found myself trying to talk him out of it because I feel he does not see the forest for the trees and he is in a major depression and he is making life decisions in the midst of that. I feel awful for his pain, at the same time, I find it hard to live like this and feel I am doing the wrong thing for myself AND what if he is depressed because of me and not the other way around like I've been rationalizing.

I would tell him just to move on asap, but we have set up a home, spoke seriously about marriage etc. Also, I said how much I loved him last night and I don't want to keep going back and forth like he is doing. Lastly, I do not want to lose him. I think space would be good for him to clear his head, but moving out is so permanent.

Any solid advice would be appreciated. Thank you very much.

dynocompe · Feb 17, 2010, 09:09 AM

Nothing really is permanent except a marker, but you can even get that out sometimes

Romefalls19 · Feb 17, 2010, 09:15 AM

You have to let him go and sort out his head, otherwise you are going to weigh his decision down. You have to simply let him decide what he wants, you have said your piece now start to move on

talaniman · Feb 17, 2010, 09:36 AM

You need to give him a lot of space, and pay attention, while I know its an emotional time for you and truly feel for your situation, its him that has to find his way. Why he can't just go fishing or other things guys do to clear there heads, even to his parents house for a while, his actions show a permanence to them with the lengths he is taking things.

Whatever his personal issues, you protect yourself, as whatever he says, recognize that the second and third year is when couple either communicate, and DECIDE to work together, or one partner ends it.

It's a big red flag he has chosen to run instead of work with you, and that's a fact that affects you, and your well being. I would give this some time to see if he is serious, or having some emotional crisis, and just flailing around looking for solutions.

Some time on his own is badly needed though, so don't stand in his way. Matter of fact, once the communications have broken down, that usually signals the end.

Yes its obvious the communications have been broken for a while, so chances are you have other issues that were not addressed and resolved, for such a drastic action on his part.

I don't know why, but I think you help him pack his stuff up, if he is unwilling to talk about this, and resolve it.

sosadtoday92 · Jul 14, 2010, 08:11 AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years (and 3 weeks). We broke up last night. He doesn't think I am the one or we are meant to be together. He is not "in love" with me. We had been getting along so good and even talked of getting married, but we had 2 blow up drunken raging fights over the last 3 weeks and I even slapped him. I know! I accept the consequences of my actions and that he thinks the relationship at times is too hard, he needs to spend time working on himself, etc..

Here is where I need help. I accept it is over, but I love him even though in my heart I guess I know he doesn't love me the same. I want to bow out as gracefully as possible, without letting him have it so easy. I want the opportunity for him to miss me if that could happen.

Can you help with these?

1. We live together.. without yelling or many tears I told him he would have to leave this morning and then find a time to get his stuff. How do I do no contact in this situation and/or handle it gracefully knowing we need contact. He said he would leave the key once all of his stuff was out, but I want to have control back of my life and want to change the locks. Is that over the top?

2. Our circle of friends is like one big family. How do I do no- contact in that situation? If I do no contact with friends too won't he deepen the bonds and "get" the friends. If we have to be around each other how do I act so he misses me without being pathetic?

3. How do I handle jealousy and the pain of knowing (he is quite attractive) that he might begin the single life full force and handle that pain since we go to the same places?

4. I actually still love him and am so hurt and blindsided, but in a way I guess I saw it coming. How do I handle this all cool and collective with grace—without completely going bat crazy? I want our friends to feel comfortable, but I don't want to give him a pass to get all the benefits of a friendship with me at this time. I don't know how to balance being the girl you regret leaving with holding my boundaries (without appearing too nice or too bith&)

Any other advice appreciated.

sosadtoday92 · Jul 14, 2010, 08:45 AM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years (and 3 weeks). We broke up last night. He doesn't think I am the one or we are meant to be together. He is not "in love" with me. We had been getting along so good and even talked of getting married, but we had 2 blow up drunken raging fights over the last 3 weeks and I even slapped him. I know! I accept the consequences of my actions and that he thinks the relationship at times is too hard, he needs to spend time working on himself, etc..

Here is where I need help. I accept it is over, but I love him even though in my heart I guess I know he doesn't love me the same. I want to bow out as gracefully as possible, without letting him have it so easy. I want the opportunity for him to miss me if that could happen.

Cna you help with these?

1. We live together.. without yelling or many tears I told him he would have to leave this morning and then find a time to get his stuff. How do I do no contact in this situation and/or handle it gracefully knowing we need contact. He said he would leave the key once all of his stuff was out, but I want to have control back of my life and want to change the locks. Is that over the top?

2. Our circle of friends is like one big family. How do I do no- contact in that situation? If I do no contact with friends too won't he deepen the bonds and "get" the friends. If we have to be around each other how do I act so he misses me without being pathetic?

3. How do I handle jealousy and the pain of knowing (he is quite attractive) that he might begin the single life full force and handle that pain since we go to the same places?

Any other advice appreciated.