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posey_84 · Feb 16, 2009, 08:16 AM

OK thank you so much guys for your advice xxxx

ardahk · Feb 16, 2009, 08:27 AM

Have to agree with the rest. I know you feel bad, and rightfully so, you are emotionally cheating on your husband when he should be the only guy on your mind - nothing should change that.

People may come that you like and want to see more etc but its up to you how you act. Stick to your husband and let go of the other. The only thing that can come from continued continued contact with Guy A is more hurt and pain - not only for you, but your husband and if in the future the relationship with Guy A - you will not feel the same if you leave your husband for this guy and things turn out not to be much of a paradise as you thought it might be.

posey_84 · Feb 16, 2009, 08:38 AM

Thank you ardahk for your advice although I do not consider having emotions for someone else cheating as I haven't acted on them

kctiger · Feb 16, 2009, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by ardahk

Have to agree with the rest. I know you feel bad, and rightfully so, you are emotionally cheating on your husband when he should be the only guy on your mind - nothing should change that.

I am sorry, but I have to strongly disagree with this. The only guy on your mind? Have you never been in a relationship and not perhaps even thought about another person? We don't live in the stone age here, where you are required to be some kind of "slave" to your significant other. She hasn't acted on this, and she is experiencing NORMAL human emotional behavior. This happens. You cannot control your feelings, however you can control your actions. I hope you don't expect all women to be subservant to you.

Guess not everyone is perfect...

Carry on... :cool:

posey_84 · Feb 16, 2009, 09:11 AM

Thank you kc that's what I thought, I feel bad enough about having these feelings without being told I'm 'cheating' on my husband

posey_84 · Feb 16, 2009, 09:13 AM

However I do agree with all of you and think its time I put the pat back where it belongs and make a better future with my husband, thank you x

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 07:44 AM

Hi
I posted a thread a few weeks back about being in love with two people. To recap I've been married for 5 months now and a face from the past came back from Iraq which stirred up old feelings as I was very much in love with him 8 years ago but he went away to war and I forced myself to move on. Been with my current partner 6 years. In the end I decided to put the past where it belongs and make my future with my husband. Problem is while the other guy is back in Iraq we only have contact through Facebook which he doesn't get to use that often. He left me a message the night before he went away on Facebook. I didn't reply and haven't replied to any of his messgaes since as I don't want to lead him on. I'm finding it hard to ignore him though and feel terrible as we have been friends and kept in contact through out the years but had just never discussed our feelings for each other before. Now all of a sudden I'm ignoring him. Then out of the blue he rang me on the 28th (my birthday). I was so flattered he only gets a certain amount of time to call home each month and he used like 30 minutes on me! He said he was ringing to say happy birthday and would get me something nice when he gets home in July. Thing is I don't have the heart to say to him that I've chosen my husband over him, he's in a terrible place away from his family how can I let him down? Xx

mckenzie134 · Mar 4, 2009, 08:06 AM

Hope he knows your married!! If he does well things should be fine..

kctiger · Mar 4, 2009, 08:16 AM

Good point... I can't remember... have you told him you are married?

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 08:17 AM

He does know. Like I said we've kept in contact over the years as we have the same group of friends. We only lost contact summer last year when he went to iraq. He was honestly gutted that id gotten married while he was away. I feel terrible I'm so confused. Now I'm finding faults with my husband and getting irratated by him all the time. He's lazy and unappreciative but I guess I okayed this by marrying him. I'm just wondering if I'm picking faults because the old guy has came back?

Justwantfair · Mar 4, 2009, 08:21 AM

You are picking faults because your heart is in two places.

What did your husband do for your birthday?

Have you in the past done anything that would lead him to believe that you are willing to leave your husband for him?

I think an honest discussion is VERY necessary. We always recommend NC but NC doesn't work well when one party doesn't understand why they are ignored. You need to have this conversation.

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 08:28 AM

The honest discussion, with which party?? That's exactly it though! My heart IS in two places and I don't know which way to go anymore. I've NEVER said anything to make him believe I would leave my husband. However he did say that he doesn't want me to leave my husband for him and if I'm happier with my husband then he'll be happy for me but I know him and I know he didn't mean that whole heartidly. He says if I leave he wants me to do it for the right reasons. My husband done nothing for my birthday, got a card that's all. Its been like that every year since we met. The year before last I didn't even get a card and I went crazy with him about it so last year he got me flowers and earrings then nothing again this year :(

artlady · Mar 4, 2009, 08:32 AM

Its easy not to find fault with someone who you don't live with who is thousands of miles away, who never has an opportunity to show he may be unappreciative and lazy also.

Its easy to fantasize about him because there is no reality in your relationship.It is something you have invented to get through the dissatisfaction in your marriage.

Maybe your soldier friend is in need of someone to hang on to right now because he is in such a vulnerable position. Home and people from the past look very appealing when you are homesick and feeling alone in a foreign land.That does not mean you can pick up where you left off.He will come home a changed man.

Bottom line is you chose your husband and you are five months into a marriage and that is where you should be concentrating your efforts. You are not available and he needs to know that.
If he needs a pen pal there are many who are willing to do the job.

The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.

Justwantfair · Mar 4, 2009, 08:36 AM

Honestly, I was in a similar position a long time ago. The ONLY thing you can do is talk to the friend and focus on your marriage. As long as both are in your life, you will be torn, not giving completely to your husband. You have already made a choice and already knew of the friend when you made THAT choice. You will always wonder, but you have to give yourself to your husband completely, not partially.

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 08:41 AM

THANKS ARTLADY! U make me smile because every word you said is true and I know it in my heart already! I think the truth is my husband and I have been through more in 6 years than most have been through in 40 i.e. numerous family deaths, miscarriage, infertility, being made redundant a number of times etc etc this list goes on and I know what your going to say, marriage isn't supposed to be easy, right? It just seems as though we've struggled to be happy from day one and still no light at the end of the tunnel and I guess I'm just tired of it all then my 'knight in shining armour' shows up. I know I'm being silly and acting like a lovesick teenager. I suppose the problems I'm having are within the marriage and I should stop trying to blame it on something else xx

artlady · Mar 4, 2009, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by posey_84

THANKS ARTLADY! u make me smile cos every word u said is true and i know it in my heart already! i think the truth is my husband and i have been thru more in 6 years than most have been thru in 40 ie, numerous family deaths, miscarriage, infertility, being made redundant a number of times etc etc htis list goes on and i know wat ur gonna say, marriage isnt supposed to be easy, right? it just seems as though weve struggled to be happy from day one and still no light at the end of the tunnel and i guess im just tired of it all then my 'knight in shining armour' shows up. I know im being silly and acting like a lovesick teenager. i suppose the problems im having are within the marriage and i should stop trying to blame it on something else xx

Good for you! Realization is the first step to change.
Many relationships have massive problems ,it's the way you deal with them that counts.Some couples distance themselves when things get bad and some stick together and find their union stronger.

You need to sit down and have a serious heart to heart with hubby.Have him make a list and you do so as well.Write down what you want and expect from the relationship.Then sit down and compare notes,while trying to find a compromise that works for both of you.Above all,you both need to remember why you fell in love and don't sweat the little things. Good luck!

posey_84 · Mar 4, 2009, 08:52 AM

The problem now is. I've started to write him an email so many times over the last couple days to tell him I'm working things out with my huband and its best if we cut contact but I just can't send it to him, I don't want to hurt him while he's out there, I mean he's AT WAR! What if something happens to him I couldn't live with myself thinking I hurt him before hand.I would rather say it to his face but he's not back until July xx

talaniman · Mar 8, 2009, 01:39 PM

Sorry, no more excuses, cut this off cleanly, and stop with the what ifs. You have a marriage to work on! That should be priority ONE, NOT HIS FEELINGS.

chuff · Mar 8, 2009, 03:38 PM

As Tal stated, no more excuses. This is emotional cheating. Maybe your husband's not perfect but you took his hand in marriage and it's time you started acting like his wife.

If you husband isn't doing something you need for the marriage, tell him. By that I mean actually talk to him, instead of at him. Fantizing about a guy on the other side of the planet while reality sits on your couch is not helping either of you.

I don't know your husband, but you kind of have this ho-hum feeling toward him. I've got to ask you, why would he ever be motivated to be anything but lazy and do anything with you when this is the attitude he faces? Maybe the change your looking for isn't in a old face in Iraq, maybe it starts with the face in the mirror.