[StarCrossedUK]

My man and I are going through a bit of a tough time at the moment. I am feeling a bit down in the dumps. I've not really got anybody to talk to at the moment (friends wise) and my family have just told me I'm being a bit paranoid.

Been with my boyfriend for about 4/5 months now. We've been in an LDR for 3 of these. We're not amazingly far away (hour and a half by train) and I've been to visit him lots of times, he's come to visit me twice (because I live with my dad and my family are around a lot and he's a bit intimidated).

He's a bit of a volatile guy and has a tendency to mood swing. I think this has a lot to do with his insecurities, past experience and the fact he smokes a little bit too much weed (though he has started to cut back, thank goodness).

I thought things were going well but at the moment there seem to be a lot of external and internal conflicts going on that are causing me to be a bit para... these are

+ His current job situation, just been offered one promotion and another one in the pipelines. Even though he's excited and pleased by this he's scared of the pressure and responsibility and the fact that he's pretty sure this isn't what he wants to do for the rest of his life. What he does want to do at the moment (property) isn't exactly the best place to work at the moment.

+My distance away. Had to move yadda yadda, looks like I could be down here for a year. It's hard but it's workable but I hate not being around to just "drop in". It's also causing some tensions with his flatmates... or at least he thinks so. He believes instead of spending the whole weekend I should just spend "one night"... which is fine but I like to get value for money and see him as much as I can. I understand he needs his space but I don't see him every weekend, he is free to do as he pleases and I trust him.

+His mate has gotten back into a substance abuse problem and he is feeling very upset and frustrated by this at the moment. I've offered help but it's a subject I have no experience in. I am here to talk but not sure what I can say.

+My mum died this last year. Different problem, same issue. He doesn't understand and doesn't know what to say.

+Health issues - He's been having major health issues varying from a broken jaw infection, teeth issues, pains in his legs etc. He can't get to the doctors easily and when he has he keeps forgetting to take his bloody medication.

+Money - Neither of us has it. It has caused a few arguments when he says "He's spending too much on me" when I've not asked him to or expected him to, I always try and pay my way and never moan at him about it.

+Arguing - Well, I say arguing but rather he just gets annoyed at me for the STUPIDEST of things. As I said before he has a bit of a temper. I've felt that the best way to deal with it is to ignore him, within minutes he calms down and is apologetic. It really upsets me though that he could lose his temper over such... silly trivial things. It takes a LOT for me to get angry and find it so hard to understand how one can lose their temper so fast. These are actually improving though, compared to when we first got together he HAS calmed down a lot, but they haven't completely disappeared.

+Keeps swinging from long term plans to leaving the country - One minute he's like we'll book this holiday for January, we'll go to Bestival in September, get the tickets... I'm thinking about getting my own one bed place and getting a dog/turtle/chameleon. The next he's talking about having itchy feet and getting a job in Australia/China/Timbuktoo. He says the only thing preventing him from leaving is his job... not me... but not to worry as he's just "venting" and "needs some warmth."

+His libido has dropped -Majorily in the last couple of weeks. He says that it's nothing to do with me, I'm wonderful etc etc etc just that he's stressed, he's in pain and he's tired. I've tried not to let this get to me, but I have to say I'm not a very sexual person but I'm getting slightly frustrated.

All in all this sounds like a lot of problems when I write them down but I really care about him and am falling for him, as I believe he is me. However the last few days I've been panicking because of his behaviour, he's not been distant or anything but I've got a bit of paranoia that he's trying to push me away. In a text the other day he said " <My name>, I'm missing you so much. You're kinder and more tolerant than any women I've ever met, you're gorgeous and smart and you make me laugh. I hope you're smiling today beautiful lady." but still my doubts are playing in my head.

Does it seem like he's just under a lot of pressure and I'm being a bit... selfish thinking it's all about me.. I'm not starting my new job till Monday so I've obviously had a lot of chance to sit around and mull things over in my head so half of me is like... "he's getting ready to end it...he doesn't have any future in mind for us" and the other half is like "He's just stressed, be there for him. Give him space and he'll come to you."

I know I have to speak to him about this stuff but I'd so much rather do it face-to-face than over the phone. He spends his life on the telephone (in sales) and he finds it hard at the end of the day to have a serious conversation and just wants to laugh and hear what I've been up to. However with my new job starting, a sincere lack of money (having spent it all this weekend at his ) and my dad's birthday (and mother's day ) coming up I won't be able to see him till possibly the end of March. I'm worried that he's going to get bored/forget me/decide he likes being alone better and end it before we get the chance to talk.

[friend4u178]

WOW , so many Red Flags here and its only been 4/5 months.

To me it seems you're the one putting all the effort into this and he seems to think all will be OK.

That is the classic sign of a lazy male and I wouldn't be surprised if the drug taking is a major factor here. He may tell you he's cutting down etc. but words mean nothing and the fact your not there to check up on him he can really tell you anything.

I'd talk to him and pretty well tell him everything you've said here , explain to him these are major problems and how their affecting you , maybe he doesn't understand how your feeling (us males are hard to get through to sometimes) LOL

Otherwise he may just be the one on here in a few months time when you've finally had enough and dumped him asking "what did I do wrong"

Good Luck!

[StarCrossedUK]

Yeah, I know there are a lot of red flags. I have a tendency to pick rather... grumpy men in my time.

A lot of these we have discussed and stuff and he knows what he's doing is annoying the hell out of me, but I guess because I've had a lot of time to think a lot of them are festering a bit.

As for the drug taking... well, I knew when I met him that this was the case. Every single person I've dated in the past has been a pot smoker (I used to be but jacked it in when I was about 18) and I have to say, out of all my exes, he has the healthiest relationship with it... if you can call it that.


I think, at the moment, I'm the one putting a lot of the effort in because I've pretty much lost everything in the last few months. The banks are chasing me about my debts, I've had to move home, I lost my job, I have no money, I've left all my friends behind and all the friends I originally down here are in the same place I left them 5 years ago. I'm putting a lot of pressure and emphasis on my relationship with him at the moment as I don't have much else going on. I'm hoping that once I start work and get back into a routine that a lot of these issues will alleviate and also when he accepts one of these two promotions... particularly the money one and the distance won't seem so bad as we'll be able to see each other more frequently in a private setting (He said that he'll be able to afford us to get a hotel etc) and then I can start rebuilding my finances and work background so I can finally move back to London.

I think my main concern really is the sudden itchy feet of his. Announcing he wants to leave the country etc, I have a tendency to do this from time to time but haven't been in a relationship. I doubt I would consider it, unless the career move was stellar/pay fantastic etc, whilst in a relationship. Though I have a funny feeling he just needs a bit of a holiday.

I've been in one long distance relationship before and that worked out really well (at the time), because we had our privacy and didn't have too many distractions at the weekend. I think the fact his flatmates are a little bit... annoying and my dad being around at all times don't help the situation.

Must point out that he has actually been quite supportive during this whole process and was the one who gave me my confidence back after losing my job and having to move back home. Anytime I've needed an escape he's offered to put cash in my account so I can come and spend the night, a thing I've never taken him up on but has been appreciated. He's also encouraging me to take up some night school courses (as he is doing himself) so I can improve my career prospects and has even offered to buy me an expensive digital SLR for my birthday so I can work on becoming a photojournalist.

Just kind of wishing I had something to distract me a bit at the moment. :)