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Jess2009 · Mar 1, 2009, 12:19 AM

I recently found out that my husband has been visiting various Shemale websites. He has also paid for an Adult Friend Finder account, where his profile says that he is looking for a discreet relationship or one-on-one sex with a woman or transgender/transexual. I asked him about it and he said that he just joined to look at the videos and not to make contact. He said that he is bisexual, but does not think that he's gay. We have been together for over ten years and I have never suspected he had a transgender interest. We have basically no sex life of our own (I think we had sex once last year) which I thought was due to the stress of ongoing fertility treatment and IVF but now I am wondering. I am expecting a baby in May and don't know whether to stay or leave. We live overseas for his work, so if I leave him and go home to my friends and family, it will deprive him of contact with our baby and visa versa. Plus I'm terrified of being a single mum. Any advise would be appreciated!

I recently found out that my husband has been visiting various Shemale websites. He has also paid for an Adult Friend Finder account, where his profile says that he is looking for a discreet relationship or one-on-one sex with a woman or transgender/transexual. I asked him about it and he said that he just joined to look at the videos and not to make contact. He said that he is bisexual, but does not think that he's gay. We have been together for over ten years and I have never suspected he had a transgender interest. We have basically no sex life of our own (I think we had sex once last year) which I thought was due to the stress of ongoing fertility treatment and IVF but now I am wondering. I am expecting a baby in May and don't know whether to stay or leave. We live overseas for his work, so if I leave him and go home to my friends and family, it will deprive him of contact with our baby and visa versa. Plus I'm terrified of being a single mum. Any advise would be appreciated!

N0help4u · Mar 1, 2009, 07:24 AM

You have to ask yourself can you live with him actually having 'discreet affairs' and accept his lifestyle or no? I would possibly maybe believe him if he signed up and made a very basic profile but to specifically put 'looking for discreet relationship' MEANS he intends on cheating and of course he is going to lie otherwise it would no longer be discretion. Personally I would leave because a couple years down the road you will be miserable.
You say you ''think you had sex once last year'' but say you are pregnant.
You also have to think about things like STD's and AIDS if you are going to put up with his lifestyle.

sully123 · Mar 1, 2009, 07:34 AM

I wouldn't stay with your husband, I would come home to my family. Ten years is a long time, but in the long run you will be better off without him. You will only set yourself up for more heartache, just lingering there. He has some major issues, and I would remove myself from the marriage as soon as possible.

talaniman · Mar 1, 2009, 08:12 AM

his profile says that he is looking for a discreet relationship or one-on-one sex with a woman or transgender/transexual.

Lets not get mixed up by terms as it doesn't matter if he is bi-sexual, or gay. What matters is he is actively putting himself out there to meet others and get his freak on. How long have you known he is bisexual?

Bisexual- Will screw anything human. (definition provided by Talaniman book of terms, unabridged version)

I think your decision to go, or stay should hinge on his actions, and not intentions, nor his being around your child. If he doesn't cheat, then it really doesn't matter what he is, does it?

One thing for sure, you need more facts in which to make a decision so it time to talk and listen to each other.

bronzebabe · Mar 1, 2009, 08:21 AM

I agree with what NoHelp said above...your husband is lying to you when he says he isn't looking...if he wasn't looking he would not have a profile that says he is...he has not been open or honest with you about his sexuality, why would he be honest about anything else... if he will go for some counselling, that might help, but i don't see him agreeing to it...he wont want to be honest there, either...

Fr_Chuck · Mar 1, 2009, 08:28 AM

Please do not ask the same question twice, they have been merged, which can be confusing with the answers

Ash123 · Mar 1, 2009, 08:46 AM

You are with a man who wants to be with others.

I think the answer is pretty simple.

Start planning your new life. Staying will be easier at first. But in the long run I'd guess it would be a lot harder.

chuff · Mar 1, 2009, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Bisexual- Will screw anything human. (definition provided by Talaniman book of terms, unabridged version)

The book of Talaniman. If ever there was a book that must be published this is that book.

Back on topic, you don't have a relationship with this man now. He had sex with you once last year in a sexual relationship. That's a one night stand. On top of that he is looking to go have sex with others. On top of that some of those others are guys. There is nothing here that is good. There is nothing here that benefits you. This relationship ran it's course some time ago, now it's up to you to accept that and move forward.

Jess2009 · Mar 1, 2009, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You say you ''think you had sex once last year'' but say you are pregnant.

I'm pregnant through IVF which we had due to my husband's low sperm count. He explained our lack of a sex life by saying that he felt inadequate due to the sperm problem and said this is why he couldn't make love. However, looking at his internet history, ALL of the porn he has looked at over the last six months has been transexual. I don't understand why he went through the whole process of IVF (which is no walk in the park) if he was already starting to wonder about his sexuality. He would log onto a pregnancy website within seconds of logging out of a ladyboy forum.

Luscious Leo · Mar 1, 2009, 08:35 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You have to ask yourself can you live with him actually having 'discreet affairs' and accept his lifestyle or no? I would possibly maybe believe him if he signed up and made a very basic profile but to specifically put 'looking for discreet relationship' MEANS he intends on cheating and of course he is going to lie otherwise it would no longer be discretion. Personally I would leave because a couple years down the road you will be miserable.
You say you ''think you had sex once last year'' but say you are pregnant.
You also have to think about things like STD's and AIDS if you are going to put up with his lifestyle.

Sorry- I mis repped you, I agree 100% with your statement.

Luscious Leo · Mar 1, 2009, 08:38 PM

I think you should leave your husband. Ask yourself this- If you knew about this before you married him, would have you still went through with the ceremony? If yes- then you shouldn't have any problems dealing with this transition. But you obviously can't if this worries you and you are opting to leave him.
If I was married and I found out that my husband wants to have sex with another person whom happens to have a penis, yes, I would leave him. Obviously I'm not equipped to satisfy his sexual need and that is one of the duties that a significant other does. He should have stayed single if wanted to be active in the alternative lifestyle.

arnimal7 · Mar 1, 2009, 08:47 PM

I think that everyone is gettig off the subject on here. Who cares if he is gay, straight, or bi. The bottom line is that Jess is pregnant with his baby. Now Jess, you have to ask yourself is this how you want to live your life? Better yet, is this how you want your baby brought up? With a cheating father? On one side of the coin you don't want to leave and deprive him of hi child and on the other side you don't want to have the baby there (overseas) and be trapped there. This is a hard decision that you and only you will have to make. Where are your parents? Maybe you can stay there until you get on your feet. I feel for you, you are in a bad situation. Personaly I would leave him, that is if he his serious about being Bi. I wish you all the best.

Luscious Leo · Mar 1, 2009, 08:53 PM

Originally Posted by arnimal7

I think that everyone is gettig off the subject on here. Who cares if he is gay, straight, or bi. The bottom line is that Jess is pregnant with his baby. Now Jess, you have to ask yourself is this how you want to live your life? Better yet, is this how you want your baby brought up? With a cheating father? On one side of the coin you don't want to leave and deprive him of hi child and on the other side you don't want to have the baby there (overseas) and be trapped there. This is a hard decision that you and only you will have to make. Where are your parents? Maybe you can stay there until you get on your feet. I feel for you, you are in a bad situation. Personaly I would leave him, that is if he his serious about being Bi. I wish you all the best.

I agree with you. I don't think anyone here is homophobic or anything, but we're more concerned about her as a person rather than the fact that he's the father of her child.
Cheating is cheating. It's not even an iota worse if he's gay. I agree that her baby is important, but her feelings are important as well. I hate when people try to "stay together for the kids" and put on a façade that will end when the kid is old enough to understand that "mommy and daddy don't really love each other". There are a lot of things going on with this situation and every expect should be scrupulously sized up.

N0help4u · Mar 2, 2009, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by Jess2009

I'm pregnant through IVF which we had due to my husband's low sperm count. He explained our lack of a sex life by saying that he felt inadequate due to the sperm problem and said this is why he couldn't make love. However, looking at his internet history, ALL of the porn he has looked at over the last six months has been transexual. I don't understand why he went through the whole process of IVF (which is no walk in the park) if he was already starting to wonder about his sexuality. He would log onto a pregnancy website within seconds of logging out of a ladyboy forum.

Basically what I am getting out of all this is that he has lost his love interest in you and his sexual preference is most likely making it impossible to be sexual with you... AKA LOST INTEREST in you and looking for a spark else where.
I know for myself and others once the love is gone there is no desire to want to even hug or kiss your significant other. Even forcing yourself to is like impossible
He may not want to tell you until he is sure himself because he probably is exploring to 'find himself and doesn''t want to close this chapter of his life until he figures out where he wants to go from here.
I think you wasting your time staying with him

Ren6 · Mar 2, 2009, 06:20 PM

Personally, I'd bail. He was only interested in having sex with you once last year, but is looking for sex online... not good. He's been lying to you in a very big way. Can you lean on your family for some support and help with child care? I advise you to head in their direction.
Take care...

talaniman · Mar 3, 2009, 12:45 PM

neverme disagrees: Bisexual will screw anything human?? That is more than offensive Tal, and I didn't expect this kind of blatant disregard for feelings and others lifestyle choices from an expert and trusted advisor. Truly let down by this comment.
N0help4u agrees: i THINK TAL MEANT THAT SHE CAN NOT TRUST THAT HE WILL BE FAITHFUL TO HER, THAT SHE CAN COUNT ON THAT HE WILL CHEAT MALE OR FEMALE
Ren6 disagrees: Bixsexuals aren't out of control sex addicts- they are every bit as capable of monogamy as any one else. The issue isn't sexual orientation, it's cheating.

As I had to explain through PM's, the point was he wanted to cheat, it doesn't matter the sex, but when a bi-sexual says they are not gay, then it was mean't to decieve his partner, and deflect her from the main issue.

As far as the comment I made, sorry if it offended anyone, but get over it, as by definition bi sexuals will screw a male, or female, ( That's what humans are 2 genders{?}male and female) if they so choose, and the number of partners is not important, or when. Sorry to be blunt, And sorry if you found it offensive, it was not intended to be.

What ever his partner issues are, he was attempting to deceive, and we really don't know if he cheated, but it sure looked that way to me.

Romefalls19 · Mar 3, 2009, 12:50 PM

I read the comment Tal, I don't see it as offensive as you were pointing out that they will have sex with guys or girls, thus proving your point of screwing anything human.

He is looking for other prospects and you deserve better. I'd leave and your family and friends can help you out as a single mom.

neverme · Mar 3, 2009, 01:33 PM

There is a difference between being attracted to both sexes and screwing anything that's human.

I found it offensive, I said so.

I simply voiced my opinion.

Apparently Tal, you came across wrong. Or I picked it up wrong.

Either way, we've both said what we have to say and it's getting off the point of the OP.

So can we just leave it here, thanks.

Ren6 · Mar 3, 2009, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I read the comment Tal, I don't see it as offensive as you were pointing out that they will have sex with guys or girls, thus proving your point of screwing anything human.

Yah. So, a straight man will screw anything female, and a straight woman will screw anything male? Just checking.

mandywebster97 · Mar 3, 2009, 03:15 PM

He explained our lack of a sex life by saying that he felt inadequate due to the sperm problem and said this is why he couldn't make love.

Im trying to put this lightly but he's not having sex with you because he's trying to get it from someone else. I don't think this relationship is best for you.

My moms friend was in the same situation. She left. It hurt but it helped.

;)