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NervousOne · Feb 24, 2009, 02:49 PM

Im am so sick of myself today... I will make this as short as possible...

I have been seeing a guy long distance for several years, have been exclusive for about 10 months. Previously I was in a very abusive relationship and I have some self issues, such as severe anxiety, trust, self esteem, etc.

This guy is perfect... every woman's dream and he has no business being with me.I have a jealousy thing that stems from insecurity and it has reared it ugly head again.. but this time Im afraid its to late to fix it.

Yesterday I left his home after staying with him for the weekend... and I (of course) had a gut feeling (that has been there for months) that he was talking to other women... I find women's number laying all around his house and (even though I KNOW they are JUST friernds) I just couldn't take it anymore, and it blew up. After I left for the airport told him that I couldn't take it anymore... all his women friends... and that I didn't trust him. And couldn't take him talking to other women... I named off some names and asked him who the women were... he responds with " one is my new boss, and the other is a friend from another state that is having issues with her marriage and has been talking to me about it.And he swears that he hasn't been with anyone since we have been together...

I said I didn't believe him and again that I didn't trust him. Well , it turns out I found out that he was telling the truth... that everything I accused him of was a lie...
I apologized and tried to explain that I was just insecure and afraid of losing him... he is very hurt and upset with me, as he should be... And At this point I am thinking of just telling him to move on.. that he deserves better and I certainly (as I already knew ) don't deserve him... Isn't this the right thing to do? Its funny how I feel some sort of relief in doing this because it means that I can't hurt him anymore... is that crazy? My heart is breaking because I think I have destroyed everything we had... which was perfection... and at the same time.. I just want him to be happy.. without the paranoid jealous insecure girlfriend and all my problems... I'm so confused...

Thoughts Please?

Justwantfair · Feb 24, 2009, 02:59 PM

I think that you need to be working on your insecurities and finding out what makes you wonderful for yourself. That usually requires being single, so you can give 100% to yourself. Maybe some time off is just what this relationship needs, if he loves you, he will be more than happy to wait and support you while you do some self development and it could really help your relationship in the long run.

NervousOne · Feb 24, 2009, 03:05 PM

I finally admitted to him (INCREDIBLY hard to fess up to) that I think I have some sort of social anxiety disorder mostly due to the abuse I endured , because it wasn't there before... since then , he is constantly trying to help me... offering to go to a therapist with me etc... He has been my strength through all of this... even when the previous relationship fel apart , we were great friends and he was there for me.. Im not sure I would have made it without him...

But Ido believe he would be better off without me. He wrote this morning and said that he was more upset today than he was yesterday , and that without trust , there is nothing and that now he didn't know what to think... I haven't heard from him since.

Justwantfair · Feb 24, 2009, 03:11 PM

Are you going to a therapist now?

NervousOne · Feb 24, 2009, 03:15 PM

No... I really don't believe in therapy.. I am a fix it yourself type gal... But now , I am definitley willing to go.. after this... he is the one that has been trying to get me to go and trying to convince me that I wasn't being selfish spending money on a therapist rather than my kids ( another incredibly irrational thought of mine)

Justwantfair · Feb 24, 2009, 03:25 PM

Well consider how far the "fix it yourself" is getting you I would definitely recommend therapy and stick with it, don't just do it to get him to come back... but make sure to let him know that you are going to start going for the benefit to you, but also for the benefit of the both of you, if you can work through this.

Sometimes, people give us opportunities to work on our problems but we don't face the problems until the ultimatum happens, it's unfortunate that it took the extreme for you to see, but it is great to see with clarity.

Good luck to you and God bless.

liz28 · Feb 24, 2009, 05:24 PM

If you don't to try counseling then buy some self help books out there are search the internet for some because it takes time to fight this battle from within for your insecurities.

NervousOne · Feb 28, 2009, 12:11 PM

Im so worried.. . I haven't heard anything from him since yesterday , and that was a one line messagetelling me not to give up yet.. that he needs to think. I respect that and have left him alone. I am not sure how this is going to turn out... or even how I want it to turn out. Will he always resent me for what I did if he takes me back? This silence is killing me... It has been 5 days. I did talk to a therapist and wrote BF to tell him that, and again profusley apologized. I was thinking last night , I still do not like him talking to women on the internet, and late night phone calls from his female friend to discuss her marriage.. I just don't like it... and I am not sure I can deal with it... Im am so sick to my stomach.