I'm sick with grief .I messed up BAD
Im am so sick of myself today... I will make this as short as possible...
I have been seeing a guy long distance for several years, have been exclusive for about 10 months. Previously I was in a very abusive relationship and I have some self issues, such as severe anxiety, trust, self esteem, etc.
This guy is perfect... every woman's dream and he has no business being with me.I have a jealousy thing that stems from insecurity and it has reared it ugly head again.. but this time Im afraid its to late to fix it.
Yesterday I left his home after staying with him for the weekend... and I (of course) had a gut feeling (that has been there for months) that he was talking to other women... I find women's number laying all around his house and (even though I KNOW they are JUST friernds) I just couldn't take it anymore, and it blew up. After I left for the airport told him that I couldn't take it anymore... all his women friends... and that I didn't trust him. And couldn't take him talking to other women... I named off some names and asked him who the women were... he responds with " one is my new boss, and the other is a friend from another state that is having issues with her marriage and has been talking to me about it.And he swears that he hasn't been with anyone since we have been together...
I said I didn't believe him and again that I didn't trust him. Well , it turns out I found out that he was telling the truth... that everything I accused him of was a lie...
I apologized and tried to explain that I was just insecure and afraid of losing him... he is very hurt and upset with me, as he should be... And At this point I am thinking of just telling him to move on.. that he deserves better and I certainly (as I already knew ) don't deserve him... Isn't this the right thing to do? Its funny how I feel some sort of relief in doing this because it means that I can't hurt him anymore... is that crazy? My heart is breaking because I think I have destroyed everything we had... which was perfection... and at the same time.. I just want him to be happy.. without the paranoid jealous insecure girlfriend and all my problems... I'm so confused...
Thoughts Please?