[Different View]

My wife and I have been together for 21 years (married 17). We met when we were 22 years old and we both still had our virtue. We were each others first true love and we lost our virginity to each other. We have four beautiful children.

I encouraged my wife to go back and finish her degree in school (she is 42). I was recently devastated to learn that she has been having an affair with a married man in her class for the past two years. I found saved emails and chats from both of them on her computer - she saves them like loving memories. I also found out how this younger man taught her and encouraged her how to chat online and have cyber-sex on adult chat rooms. Her chat room activity included sending men nude photos of herself and she also enjoyed watching men masturbate live on webcams while she talked sex chat with them. I confronted her about all of this, and she said she was unhappy in the marriage after over 20 years, but would agree to go to counseling.

I am trying hard to want to stay married, especially since we have 4 kids. We have been going to marriage counseling the past three months. The first two months, she continued to do online sex-chat, but has finally stopped that for the past two weeks. She is still in class with the married man she had an affair with as they both will graduate next month. She said they are just friends now and she begged me not to tell his wife - as he has two children of his own - one is a newborn baby.

This deception and betrayal is so hard for me. The one unique and common thing we shared for over 20 years is gone now. I don't know if I can ever trust and respect her the same way anymore. I have had several close friends who separated and returned to salvage their marriage and it worked. They tell me they think she has hit her mid-life crisis, and the fact that we both met when we were young and innocent virgins, she got to a point in her life where she wanted to explore her sexuality. There were many times during our marriage that she would withhold sex from me, but I stayed strong to honor and respect my marriage. I never cheated on her because I believe in karma - if I did that to her, she would do it back to me. I never wanted to put her through the pain I am now experiencing. At our last marriage counseling session, my wife said that she realized what she did was wrong and really appreciates me more. She is just afraid that as she starts to give me 100% of her heart back, that I am going to vindictively walk out the door and divorce her. She said her biggest fear is now me rejecting her.

However, my friends who went back to their wives and now have a strong marriage are encouraging me to separate from her for some time. They tell me that the only way they were able to return to their wives to make their marriage work was to go out and explore their own sexuality themselves. They said they went out and experienced having sex with other women to get this out of their system and come back to what they felt now offered a sense of balance with their wife. It was not to settle a score, but to get the curiosity out of their system that they feared would torment them the rest of their married life. Now with that curiosity settled, they were able to focus on their marriage more.

I know this is not something you ever would hear in marriage counseling. I am also 42 years old and have only had sex with my wife. I have never known any other woman intimately. I have had many women offer a quick fun night together, but I always stayed strong. Do you think this could actually help me get through this? My wife has actually told me that if I decided to do this, she would understand and would faithfully wait for me to come back to her. I am so confused. :confused:

[twinkiedooter]

Don't listen to your friends as the advice they've given you is purely vindictive behavior. I haven't the faintest clue why they would think that you should go out and visit your sexuality to better accept your present wife. This is utter balderdash! Don't do it.

If your wife has apologized to you and says that she really appreciates you, believe her!

You would do better not to keep asking advice from your friends at this point. This is your life and your call regarding what you do with your life and your wife.

I say don't force any kind of estrangement as this can only escalate a problem into a full blown mountain.

[jillrenee15]

Which friends are you talking too, the men or the women? Both may have different advice on the subject. However, a short separation may be helpful at this point. You could have your own space to sort out your feelings and gather together your thoughts on how this marriage is going to continue, and she would have her space to really think about what she's done to your marriage. When I say short, I mean a month or a couple of weeks. Definitely continue the counseling regardless. You will need a whole new set of agreed upon objectives and rules of behavior if either of you expect to salvage your marriage. Yes, she says she is sorry, but is she sorry she cheated for TWO WHOLE YEARS, or is she sorry she got caught? Sometimes it is hard to tell. I would like to think that sometime in those two years she would have called it off and stopped rather than continuing if her marriage and family was that important to her.

[N0help4u]

For you to do what your friends suggested would only complicate and make things harder to work out than they already are, If she is honestly wanting to be with you and give up the other guy(s) and the cyber sex and all the best thing to do is work on your marriage and make it stronger. Two wrongs don't make a right and definitely does not fix anything.

[frangipanis]

you have some strange friends and your wife has picked up some strange ideas about how to make your marriage work.

Don't compromise your own values. Continue to be the stronger partner and let your wife come towards you. Intelligent women love strong men who they can respect. She can be forgiven, but let her prove her worth to you.

Actually, I woudn't tolerate that from anyone... but if you can accept your wife's mistakes, then you know you really love her.

[Rich11111]

You should also consider telling the mans wife, She has a right to know. I know you don't want to because there are children involved but if the situation was reversed wouldn't you want her to tell you, no matter how painful. Your wife is begging you not to because this is largely her fault.

Also this man taught and encouraged your wife to get into cyber sex meaning he most likely does it himself. Your wife is trying to work through this, this man ins't. He really doesn't sound like too nice a bloke. Just because your wife has stopped doesn't mean he is.

It's just my opinion but I think this mans wife has a right to know and should be told.

[Rich11111]

Corrections in last post,
4th line 2nd word "isn't"
4th line last word "has"

Also I have got to agree with the other posts, a fling of your own is not going to make things better. Your wife didn't have several one night stands or short affairs, but one long two year affair which in my mind makes what happened as much of an emotional affair as a sexual one. And to get balance in your marriage you would have to do the same and if you truly loved your wife you could never have an emotional affair.

[Different View]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I think I already knew the answer, it just helps to have it confirmed from other, more rational people. My wife's friends convinced her that I must have been unfaithful to her at some point (most are divorced or victims of their husband's infidelity). They can't believe I could be faithful to the same woman for over 20 years.

Life continues to be an emotional roller-coaster ride for me. I have never been in such a state of anxiety like this before. I think this is just compounding my judgment which is making me doubt myself at times.

I do have to ask myself if what I have honored, respected and put into this relationship and marriage with my wife is worthy of wanting to continue in this marriage. I know my children will be the collateral damage. However, I think if I continue to stay with my wife just for the kids, we will end up divorcing once the last one leaves the house when they are grown up.

I decided last night to separate from her. This is a big step for me right now. I need to make sure my head is clear about this decision. This will also ultimately let me know if my wife is going to stray during this separation or not. It is better I know now then try to stay with her and have this happen again. We made an agreement not to date other people during this separation - although - I can't trust my wife to keep this agreement after all that is happened. She has lost a lot of credibility with me of course.

I feel this separation will be able to demonstrate if she is wanting to work on this marriage only for convenience (financial, child care, security, etc.) or if she truly wants to work on this marriage to truly have a genuine and happy marriage. I am beginning to feel that I am worthy of so much more than this.

My wife did make an interesting comment today. She said she always felt like I was void of emotion. She felt like I didn't care at times because she had never seen me cry before this happened. I am not the kind of guy who cries very easilly, so she was shocked to see me cry when I learned about this affair and all of the other details.

Now that I am such an emotional crying wreck, my wife says what she needs is a man who is strong, who can pick themselves up and move on in the face of turmoil like this. She claims this is what she needs to see in my right now to encourage her to work on our marriage more. She continues to attend class with the married man she had an affair with. School will be over next month. This guy only has a couple of hours with her a week, so I know he has nothing to lose. He makes things fun and makes the most of their time together, even if it is just in a classroom now. This is what I am competing with.

I would like an opinion on this from anyone - but especially would like to know a females perspective on this. I know men and women think very differently, so if any woman would care to enlighten me on what she may be thinking here - I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks.

[Mommy102808]

I'm no expert on the marriage life because I'm not married yet. But you wanted a woman's opinion on your story and being in a similar situation as the losing the virginity to each other and the cheating I know how you feel. It's going to get worse before it gets better. If you really and truly love your wife you need to stay in the relationship for a set amount of time to see if your wife will change her ways for her love for you and your marriage. She did you wrong and that will be in the back of your mind for a long time, but if she is willing to work on the marriage join in and help her out. People may have different opinions on what they would do or what you should do. You know in your heart what you want to do and what feels right so go with that feeling. I wish you the best and hope everything turns out okay.

[h_leann_b]

You should also consider telling the mans wife, She has a right to know.

I disagree with this statement. I don't think it is in your place to tell another person. If the affair is really over, and there are no feelings in between them, it will only make things worse for the other couple.

Im not proud of this.. but let me give some insight. In high school I had a fling with a guy who had a girlfriend. He said he wasn't happy with her, and he wanted to be with me. Well in the end he stayed with her, and I actually became friends with her. I decided to tell her what I had done. Her boyfriend made up elaborate lies, told her I was a drug addict who just wanted them to be unhappy (which was funny I didn't do drugs but whatev) and well.. she believed him. They were together about 6months after I told her then they broke up.

She still thinks I'm crazy lol.

Definitely don't go sleep with other people. It will make everything more complicated. And even if your wife says she would understand... I think it would upset her.

[kymmy420]

Dude she gave you a free card... use it!!