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hopeless135 · Feb 17, 2009, 08:36 AM

My girlfriend has told me she wants a break. I think mine may be a little more complicated though. She is separated and we work together. I think she may be trying to work things out with her Ex before the divorce is final... maybe giving it one last ditch effort I don't know. She says this is only about her and her needing time to heal and that we got together too fast after her breakup and I do agree we probably got together too soon but I don't understand her waiting this long into our relationship when everything was great to all of a sudden want a break. I know she is talking to her Ex a whole lot more and he has spent time with her at her house since our "break". I feel like I'm totally broken. I love her with all my heart and she says she still loves me but just needs time alone yet it seems her "alone" time is spent talking to him. I know I need to put distance between us but its much more difficult since we work together. I don't know what to do. We talked about our hopes and dreams together as a couple and then out of the blue it just seems she doesn't want it anymore. I know her and her Ex had been together a long time and have a lot of memories good and bad... but he told her he didn't love her anymore and left. It took her time but she said she was over him and wanted me. It took me time but I was believing in that and her looking towards our future and now this. Please help.

Romefalls19 · Feb 17, 2009, 08:39 AM

Run away! She is only using you as a recovery tool, she needs the time and space to finish boinking the ex then maybe if nothing better comes along, you can come back into the picture.

kctiger · Feb 17, 2009, 08:46 AM

Don't be a rebound... that is what you were. If the ex doesn't work out with her, then you can swoop in and get the left overs... Are you a vulture? Or... do you think you are better than that?

I think you are better! NEVER get involved with someone who is STILL hanging out with their ex. She is a leach, and will suck the life out of you if you let her.

Are you a hunter, or are you a scavenger?

zeeniee · Feb 17, 2009, 08:55 AM

I agree with the above- I think it is a rebound situation. Do what you have to do and so you don't get hurt anymore than your already going through.

Having her in your life= more pain as she is still communicating with the ex- that is a bad sign and so act on it, take no s hite and think of you as number one!
Good luck

hopeless135 · Feb 17, 2009, 09:11 AM

I told her I felt that I was nothing more than his replacement and now she done with me and she told me I couldn't be more wrong. I think I left out one important detail. There are two children invovled so I know she can't 100% cut contact with her Ex because of them. I know no contact would be my best option but we work at the same company so it makes that almost impossible.

Justwantfair · Feb 17, 2009, 09:15 AM

Originally Posted by hopeless135

I told her I felt that I was nothing more than his replacement and now she done with me and she told me I couldn't be more wrong. I think I left out one important detail. There are two children invovled so I know she can't 100% cut contact with her Ex because of them. I know no contact would be my best option but we work at the same company so it makes that almost impossible.

Did you think she was going to jump up and down and tell you that she used you to deal with her emotions from separating from her ex? Doubtful you will get that confession soon.

Personally I would think about looking for a new job. If there is one thing to note is that if you are willing to date someone you work with, you better be willing to find new employment. Dating does not have a guarantee and you are playing with fire to date anyone that you work with.

The new change and scenery will help you cope and move on, start NC immediately.

Romefalls19 · Feb 17, 2009, 09:16 AM

Not true, I worked with my ex. NC is possible, I did it for 5 months, and she's was the customer service rep

Justwantfair · Feb 17, 2009, 09:21 AM

Depends greatly on the job and contact level, but it is very difficult to heal and be NC when you work together.

Just cause you are a one in a million...

hopeless135 · Feb 20, 2009, 09:18 AM

She came up to me and hugged me randomly yesterday. Of course I hugged her back. She kept thanking me for the hugs and later told me when we were hugging it felt like home. I know I shouldn't have but of course I said well if it's home then come back to it, don't go back to something that's not. She didn't get mad but just told me the same thing about how she needed to be alone. She says she just needs to figure her out and she can make no promises if we will have a future. If I feel like home to her then I don't understand why she can't say once I figure myself out we should be OK. I know nothing is a guarantee but if she loves me and wants me then why not??

kctiger · Feb 20, 2009, 09:19 AM

You are rowing up the wrong creek with one paddle my friend...

artlady · Feb 20, 2009, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by hopeless135

She came up to me and hugged me randomly yesterday. Of course I hugged her back. She kept thanking me for the hugs and later told me when we were hugging it felt like home. I know I shouldn't have but of course I said well if it's home then come back to it, don't go back to something thats not. She didn't get mad but just told me the same thing about how she needed to be alone. She says she just needs to figure her out and she can make no promises if we will have a future. If I feel like home to her then I don't understand why she can't say once I figure myself out we should be ok. I know nothing is a guarantee but if she loves me and wants me then why not???

She does need to be alone! Regardless of feelings you may have for one another,she is in no emotional condition to become involved with another person when she has not had the chance to be her own person.

She jumped in too soon and it was unfair to you as she is not ready emotionally to deal with the complexities of a new relationship yet.

She is being kind to you because she cares about you and you do have to see one another.
Don't read anymore into than that.Your setting yourself up for a fall.She is not available(emotionally) and you need to accept that.

You can't be hugging friends right now,you are still too invested in her romantically for that to work.Distance yourself while still maintaining a civil work environment.

jessica1989999 · Feb 20, 2009, 09:44 AM

You can't expect someone to wait around for you, she's being abit unfair, if she thought it was too soon to start seeing you after her separation, then she should never have started dating you in the first place, I don't think its fair on you at all, and I would definatel try and look for another job, otherwise your just going to see her everyday and you won't be able to forget about her, if she's not ready now, then when will she be? Weeks? months?

dangiex · Feb 20, 2009, 10:18 AM

Even with so many people giving you advice on what you should do, ultimately it is your decision, listening to your feelings might be a little overwhelming; you need to think and decide whether the relationship is actually worth it or not. Think logically and make your decision, and don't keep second guessing it on the basis of your feelings.
Its really hard, but its what you're going to do eventually when the dust is settled.

hopeless135 · Feb 20, 2009, 01:18 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

She does need to be alone! Regardless of feelings you may have for one another,she is in no emotional condition to become involved with another person when she has not had the chance to be her own person.

She jumped in too soon and it was unfair to you as she is not ready emotionally to deal with the complexities of a new relationship yet.

She is being kind to you because she cares about you and you do have to see one another.
Don't read anymore into than that.Your setting yourself up for a fall.She is not available(emotionally) and you need to accept that.

You can't be hugging friends right now,you are still too invested in her romantically for that to work.Distance yourself while still maintaining a civil work environment.

I'm not pushing her and never have. Before we started anything I told her if there was anything there between her and her ex we needed to remain friends and nothing more. She promised there wasn't and obvisouly I didn't expect her just to be over it just like that. I have been understanding to what she is going through the past year. And the point is she isn't being alone. Her "alone" time is spent with her ex.

hopeless135 · Feb 20, 2009, 01:23 PM

I do think she is being a bit unfair in how she is going about this. She won't admit it to me but I know she is seeing what happens between her and her Ex. She has not asked me to wait on her although I kind of wish she would. She says she loves me too much to expect me to wait on her. She is important to me and has always been there for me. My fear is that she is putting herself up for another world of hurt simply so her kids do not go through what she went through as a kid. Those kids are her everything and I can see her trying to make it work with her Ex for them even though she wouldn't be happy. I don't know that's the case, I'm just guesssing. I know she doesn't want her kids to have divorced parents. Whether she is with me or not, those kids deserve a happy home and I don't see her Ex giving that to any of them. Of course I want to be with her, I love her, her two kids, and her whole family dearly but all I want is her happiness if that includes me or not.

Justwantfair · Feb 20, 2009, 01:32 PM

Originally Posted by hopeless135

I do think she is being a bit unfair in how she is going about this. She won't admit it to me but I know she is seeing what happens between her and her Ex. She has not asked me to wait on her although I kind of wish she would. She says she loves me too much to expect me to wait on her. She is important to me and has always been there for me. My fear is that she is putting herself up for another world of hurt simply so her kids do not go through what she went through as a kid. Those kids are her everything and I can see her trying to make it work with her Ex for them even though she wouldnt be happy. I don't know that's the case, I'm just guesssing. I know she doesn't want her kids to have divorced parents. Whether she is with me or not, those kids deserve a happy home and I don't see her Ex giving that to any of them. Of course I want to be with her, I love her, her two kids, and her whole family dearly but all I want is her happiness if that includes me or not.

I think you are taking it personal, which it probably is not, she has feelings for her ex, unresolved feelings because you got involved so quickly following her separation. She may feel torn but she is doing what is right by telling you to go on with your life and not wait for her to make a decision. The fact is she has to figure this out without you, even if she is just going to be in a world of hurt for the prospect of raising her children with their father.

You have to let go. No questions will be answered, you can not wait around for this relationship, she has too much work to be done and she may not even leave him. So if you love her, let her go, go on with your life. Care about her, but let her live. You have to find a better way for NC. Every interaction will stir all of these emotions back up for you.

Good luck :)

artlady · Feb 20, 2009, 03:00 PM

Had to spread the rep but I think Justwantfair has made excellent points.

heartbroke · Feb 20, 2009, 03:58 PM

From my experience when she says "alone" it means without you, even though she is not "physically alone", she's with her ex. She has a life involving her ex that concerns children. She's trying to figure out the situation and deal with the business she has with him.

Messed_UP · Feb 20, 2009, 09:08 PM

If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….

talaniman · Feb 21, 2009, 08:13 AM

You really do need to stifle those feelings. As they blind you to some very real facts,

She is still seeing the ex

She doesn't feel as you do about a relationship.

Those are facts you need to face, and leave her alone.

At work, be busy and unavailable for anything but "Hi" and "Bye". Polite, but busy, as you back out of her life.

There is nothing more to discuss with her, as it will only confuse and baffle you, and keep those old feelings stirred up.

Leave her life, and issues alone, and deal with your own.