[expat2009]

OK boys, this is not a major update its just a thought. I've been repeating the same advice over and over and stupid me for not following it. STAY AWAY FROM FCK ING FACEBOOK!! I had a few drinks an thought it was a good idea to check up on the ex... and I didn't find anything overly bad but just the fact that I see her hacing fun in some pictures with guys I don't like makes me hurt! Then I see a wall message from a dude saying "I had fun catching up on you, looking forward to going salsa" made me cringe... GEEZZUZZZ what the hell was I thinking? I have 100+ posts giving advice and I can't follow my own?? I am clearly not over her and I need some help guys. I do love her but why does it hurt so much seeing her live her own life without me? Despite the fact she said exactly one month ago "lelt's call each other once in a while to see how we are doing" and haven't had any contact --except to simple and empty SMS-- hurts me soooo much. I'm OK, it's no big deal.. but still it messes my head in knowing she's moving on and won't call. W T F? Did I do to deserve this?? I feel sorry for my next girlfriend cause I WILL NOT treat her like a princess... it only comes back to kick you in the balls. Sorry for this it's more of a vent than a cry for help.

[Arzy99]

Expat dude!!
Get her off Facebook mate! You need to do it!. I know how hard it is to take your own advice sometimes but you just need to do it!
Trust me it hurts like hell I KNOW! (you've read my posts) and I know how it feels when your ex just moves on to someone else without a care in the world.
But - put it this way!. at least she didn't do a complete 180 and just after breaking up with you started seeing another guy!. I think perhaps the fact that you saw her having fun with other guys created scenarios in your head... and That's why you need to get off Facebook and stop looking at anything related to her because it will NOT help!. Then IF she does happen to find another guy - you can deal with it a lot better, your head will have cleared because you will have gone COMPLETE NC.
Let me tell you mate!. you have done nothing at all to deserve this. Like me, you were a great guy that gave it your all in the relationship. - no matter how wonderful and special our rgirls were for us... if they didn't love us the same then we don't deserve that... we deserve better!.
Just keep that in your head my friend.
Completely remove her from all contact with you. I even think her calling you is a bad idea - its going to leave you with threads of hope and she may say something in passing (about going out to a party etc) that may hurt you. Its best you don't know what she is up to...
I have given this same advice to myself - don't dwell in the past, don't dwell on what she is thinking, who she is with and what she is doing. Her actions proved her feelings for you... and you deserve nothing less than what you have given her. So take the high road and know that if this doesn't work out, you are going to have something better.
But in the meantime.. Don't WAIT, Don't HOLD ONTO HOPE... go out and do things, try not to hear from her at all, live well, be happy, do things to bring yourself joy...
Just like me, you have learnt a lot from this experience... and in time we will get better.
Im always here for support mate.. All the best!

[kctiger]

I feel sorry for my next gf cause I WILL NOT treat her like a princess.....it only comes back to kick you in the balls. Sorry for this it's more of a vent than a cry for help.

Don't ever think like this. You are a good guy, and good guys ALWAYS win, regardless of what you hear. Girls truly appreciate guys like you, so don't think for one minute you need to turn into a di** just to protect yourself. Be you, and I promise you someone very special will love you for it.

Now, as far as Facebook goes, I have done it as well, and saw something much worse, so no worries. We all make mistakes. I have been Facebook free since November 1st, and I am proud of it. GET RID OF IT!! NOW!! I would rather you call her than look at Facebook, as it just leaves you to draw your own conclusions.

You will be fine. We have all messed up, and yes it hurts, but hey, you know what you need to do. Live your own life, and don't worry about her living hers.

[Romefalls19]

I went without Myspace for 5 months with the ex, completely stayed off the site. Around month 3, she decided to follow me to Facebook and friend request some of my best friends(who all denied her, those are real friends) and then I stayed off Facebook for 2 months until I was sure everything had healed. Stay away from those stupid networking sites, they will delay and cause more pain.

As for being a nice guy, I went the route of being a d*ck for about a month and it didn't do much for me. I went back to being myself, a nice guy who cares and respects women, since then I have met a beautiful women who I call my fiancé, she appreciates the nice things I do for her and is honest and true. Would you write an entire race of people off because of a few of them made mistakes? Of course not, so why write off all women and treat them as crap because one broke your heart.

The best thing about breaks, they eventually heal. They just need time and support

[expat2009]

I know what you are saying kctiger... it's just that every time I treat a girl well It backfires... I thought this girl was different cause I treated her this way and in the end she stopped loving me. Other times when I've been the careless guy It's when I've had a bunch of girls after me. None that interest me though. The thing is, why is it that only when you treat them like crap they want you... It sucks really. Cause you can never be yourself this way.

I've remover her from my Facebook. I don't know how she will react since she was the on telling me to add her --after she told me to when I called her on the 11th of December-- our last oral contact. She said she wanted to check up on me. By the looks oof it she won't even realise I'm gone for a while. When she does I doubt she'll care... What did I do to her to care so little about me?? At least the other guys get calls and SMS from their exes who asked for a break. I get sh*t!

[Romefalls19]

No not everyone gets calls or SMS from their exes, and even if they do, over half of them wish they never did. It will only make things worse.

[zeeniee]

Hi Expat2009,
Be kind to yourself- whatyou did is what we all have done! Smile and laugh at it- don't give yourself a hard time. You're a human being with feelings OK.
It takes time, a lot of time, when you want to get over someone- you want it to happen asap- never works that way. I have found this NC thing v hard- you end up going up and down like a yo yo with it. For me its like I have gone through many mini NC, and now after 4 months I think I am reaching for bigger NC- hopefully this one is the forever one. But man what I can say- is it is like hell. SOmewhere, somehow today I feel a bit better. Take each day as I comes, as some days it will be OKay and other days it will be hell. Eventually more days will become good- then one day all days will become good- time is what is needed.

[salvadorlimones]

Hey I am in the same situation right now, I have been dumped and in the healing process by NC and I have to say that I have admired your way of keeping no contact. A brave NC with keeping your dignity. Bravo...

However I have to disagree with not treating your next girlfriend as she is a princess. What me and several guys around do is to treat them like they are princesses all the time which makes it meaningless and becomes a habit. What I have learned from all these breakups books etc is to keep them feel special by not being boring and predictable. When we treat them as princesses all the time we became boring and predictable which kills all attraction in them. After I broke up with my girlfriend I started being enjoyable and unpredictable. I am charming to her as well as to other girls around me. What I understand is, woman want a prince to treat them as a princess from time to time but not all the times and not using same old same boring and predictable things like gifts, flowers, etc. I bought my ex crystal earrings which she did not care about it but send a picture using the toys she bought me, she was thrilled.

We can not understand them, but we can learn how to keep our dignity and attractiveness and behave as the man we are (which I believe we are perfect healthy males)...

I wish you best in your healing process.

[expat2009]

Thanks a lot for your words... and you are perfectly right. I can't change my personality to act like an a**hole to girls. I wrote the stuff above when I was upset more than a month ago.

Today, I feel MUCH better. I am close to being that exciting guy I used to be. Ive met a ton of girls the past two weeks and not by being this confident arrogant as*hole but by being a gentleman who is not a pushover, someone that is interesting and mysterious at the same time. Being funny, intelligent, and also taking risks. Im not quite there yet but I will be. All thanks to NC. It just works.

Hey i am in the same situation right now, i have been dumped and in the healing process by NC and i have to say that i have admired your way of keeping no contact. A brave NC with keeping your dignity. Bravo...

However i have to disagree with not treating your next gf as she is a princess. What me and several guys around do is to treat them like they are princesses all the time which makes it meaningless and becomes a habit. What i have learned from all these breakups books etc is to keep them feel special by not being boring and predictable. When we treat them as princesses all the time we became boring and predictable which kills all attraction in them. After I broke up with my gf i started being enjoyable and unpredictable. I am charming to her as well as to other girls around me. What i understand is, woman want a prince to treat them as a princess from time to time but not all the times and not using same old same boring and predictable things like gifts, flowers, etc. I bought my ex crystal earrings which she did not care about it but send a picture using the toys she bought me, she was thrilled.

We can not understand them, but we can learn how to keep our dignity and attractiveness and behave as the man we are (which i believe we are perfect healthy males)...

I wish you best in your healing process.

[expat2009]

I ve been completely disconnected from this site for more than a month now. Not only have I been busy with work but I needed some time off all this relationship stuff... as I heal ill come back more and more to ask for help and give whatever I can offer :)

UPDATE:

The ex broke her own NC after 9 weeks (take away the xmas and nye text messages which were crap)

She emailed me today with what you see below. The text in red are my notes for you guys to see me reaction. My tone is obviously sarcastic ;)

Hi ***** , <--- this feels so weird as she called me by a nickname she gave me all the time, and somehow it feels cold and inpersonal
How are you doing? ive been wanting to write you an email for ages to see how you have been well, why email you have my mobile number!, what you've been up to...... and really just to say HI and I hope all is good. so thoughtful of you, and how can I resist your sweet tone?

How has work been ? Have you moved to the new department to do account management? have you been playing golf like you said you wanted to start doing? Have you been coping with this heat wave that we have been having? are these four stupid questions supposed to tell me you are interested at all?? even as a friend?? ppl i barely know are more interested in my life---like some of you here for example!

Your off to ****** soon ! i bet you can't wait! its been a long time coming and now... its just around the corner. I'm so happy that you will get to see your friends, family and most importantly your mum. yea the trip I postponed so you could come and meet everyone, thanks a lot I couldve gone in christmas. if you had broken up earlier i mightve had some time to get my annual leave for that instead of postponing so you could get ur leave too and go together

I didn't write to you sooner ( and im sorry if recieving an email from me now upsets you it doesnt upset me, it dissapoints me) coz i figured you didnt want to hear from me since you deleted my frienship from facebook. i deleted you not because i hated you but because it hurt me to see your life without me in it--you can't even understand that..thats why you are so immature, you figure things out by yourself to much when your experience is minimal Today i just needed to take a chance and write to you with the hope that maby you will reply but i understand if you don't. Its just i really do want to stay in touch like we said we would on that last phone call. you mean when you suggested we stay in touch and i agreed--you then waited 2 months to send me this crap email? after two yrs of devoting myself to you? i didnt know when u broke a guys heart he's the one supposed to keep in touch!

Hope to hear from you soon you wont...you dont deserve it...not with this cold email. its like she wants to be my friend --or whatever you wanna call it-- when I specifically told her is didnt want that....keep in touch?? for what?
:) <--- finally a sign of affection! pffft



-----------------------------------

What do you think, am I doing the right thing by not replying after two full months of NC? Does she deserve me telling her what she wants to know?

Ill appreciate any thoughts.. especially if you read my story. Thanks!

[Romefalls19]

Nope, don't reply. That e-mail was more of an old high school buddy you haven't heard from in awhile. It would be best to just keep going forward, you seem a lot better off

[alphamale]

Hi all,

I am new so please be gentle. My story is similar to expat2009's, and having read some of the replies to this thread - I see myself feelign a lot the emotion and hurt that others have gone through.

Anyway, for the record, mine goes like this -

Started seeing this girl who I met on a dating site. Everythign was going great, we got on so well (yes you say it's the honeymoon period, and we all go through that), but even after that things were great.
She would say that she loved me and I would recipricate. I meant it and she said that she did too.
I could not imagine my life without this girl. Everyone says you get "that feeling" when you meet the one, and I definitely had it!

After about 9 months, we started talking about marriage, and we BOTH decided we were commiteed to it. We met each others families etc, and starting looking at venues etc.

Then, I went on holiday with some friends for a short break, and when I cam back everything had changed!

She said she started having second thoughts, wanted to be sure etc etc.
So I thought it best that she was 110% sure about committing, we stopped the marriage talk and decided to enjoy our time together and slow things down a bit.

And then one of my friends (also on the dating site) said she had received communication from her... along the lines of wanting to get to know him better etc...
She didn't know it was my mate. When he told me, I was shocked (to say the least!)
Anyway, I asked her if she was still active on the dating site and she said that she'd only log on to see who had iniated contactwit her.
She denied contacting anyone and said she would never do it whilst she was with me.

She added that if she felth the need to approach other guys then she would btreak it off with me.

Anyhow, this was a lie as I had proof. I let it mull in my head for a while, then 2 weeks later my mate said he got another message of her (he didn't reply to the first one).

In between all this we were still going out, do things together etc.

Howevver I knew she was not happy in the relationship if she had to approach other guys.

So then thought to myself thata rlationship takes time and effort, so -

a) why doesn't she just break it off?
b) effectively cheat on me? Its not like I was a jerk to her, else she would have broken it off for sure.

Anyhow, confronted her and turned on the waterworks about how her ex had hurt her so much whe he dumped her that she cannot love anyone again.

So I probed a bit - asked why she was ona dating site if she could not love again.

She said that by speaking to other guys it would help her realise if iwas the one.

I am not sure If I believe this as she had already lied.

I asked her why she was on the dating site if she felt she could not love anyone again. She said it was just to meet new people and give herself confidence. I didn't believe it.

Anyhow, we separated after nearly a year together. She deleted me from Facebook. There was no contact for 2 weeks, then she sent me a text on my birthday, then a week later on msn sent a couple of messages asking if we could still be friends.

I didn't reply and aim not to.

I feel like my heart has been torn out, that I have lost my soul mate and there is nothing I can do to get her back.
She was obviously unhappy in the relationship for whatever reason, but then should have said so.
I think about her all day, but have not contacted her.
I cannot see myself being with anyone else, and every time I do come across someone, I always compare them to her, and they never match up.

Its terrible, the pain is too much and it affects everythign you do. I try to keep busy butthere are always time when I think about her - when I'm lying in bed, when I'm watching TV etc.

She is quite active on the dating site so is definitely looking for her mr right, which is fine, but it's the lies and deceit that make it worse.

expat2009 - I can really relate to where your coming from in terms of giving that person everything, giving them you and then being short changed in return.

[expat2009]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a LONG time since I posted anything on this site. It's been close to 10 months since I last posted on this thread. Why am I doing it now? Well, this morning I received a reminder on my phone which read "you better be over her by now". At first, I had no idea what It meant, but after a few seconds I vaguely remembered setting this reminder almost a year ago. You see. Exactly one year ago today, I got dumped.

If you want to know most of my story then feel free to read about it on this thread. I wanted to post this not just to update anyone who is interested but to actually help anyone I can with a bit of insight and share some of my experiences over the past year.

If you are reading these chances are you have recently been caught up in a painful situation similar to my own. You are probably seeking the answer as to why she/he decided to move on without you. There is no real answer that will help that pain subside if even just a little bit... what you want is hope---there is... just not the false hope u want... We want answers that will comfort us (like "hang in there, she'll call")... but truth is, there are no answers here just pure advice and its called NC. Over the past 12 months I've gone from being at the lowest emotional point, to bringing myself up, then falling down, then up, and so on. I don't have to tell you this--you're probably in the same boat righ now-- but this is probably one of the hardest things I've had to endure in the 27 years of my life. But it gets better trust me... much better.

Way back at the beginning I came in here looking for the answers we all seek that will make the pain go away. Will she come back? Does she still love me? How can I get her back? The short answer is no. She asked for a break what does that mean? It means she is breaking up with you but doesn't want to hurt you by saying it's a breakup... See it the way it is.. You got dumped, and there is a reason for it. They want out of the relationship... they want to move on without you... etc.. This is what makes us feel like crap, to become an option in someone's life when we already have that person in a pedestal... I know this is the most painful bit... it was damn painful. To us they are perfect and we feel like the luckiest person alive to have met someone so special... any thread of hope makes us feel better.. for a while... If you are identifying with this then you should know that yes, she was special to you at some point. But at some point this person changed as well. You are in-love with someone that does not exist anymore and you can do NOTHING to get them back unless they choose to (most likely they won't). Hope will not let you move on. It's not easy to get rid of it, but sooner or later that hope will be replaced by a desire to experience new and better things.

After reading my reminder this morning I did a bit of looking back, and I don't know if I am finally over her, probably not entirely, but I am getting there. How did I get here? Easy, maintain NC. Please. There is no better way to move on than not knowing... The less you know the better, the less they know the better for you too. As time passed, I began to do things for myself, whether it was sports, going out with old friends, working hard, anything to keep you busy is good. In time, meeting girls got easier and easier, I met a few, went out with a couple for a few weeks only to realise I was not ready. You cannot replace that void with just anyone, you have to let yourself breathe and live life one step at a time. Also, being afraid of being hurt was not an issue for me, I think for me, nothing could be worse than the pain I felt so I risked it and got myself out there. It was OK at first, but after x or y I would come crashing back down.. sometimes it was a short email from her (to see how I was doing) or maybe just a peek at her Facebook profile (please please I cannot recommend this more, remove your exes and their friends and family off your Facebook right away--nothing good can come from keeping them there). All this would bring all that pain back and It brought me back to square one of the healing process...

Fast forward to now... and here I am alive and well.. happy and painless. Turns out, a few months ago unexpectedly and without looking for her I met this beautiful girl and while not in a relationship yet, I finally have this new person that takes over my thoughts. Maybe it evolves into something great, maybe it doesn't but the fact that a new girl makes me feel butterflies again tells me that the storm is about to pass over me completely. So, relax, there are many special people out there to meet. I wouldn't say better or worse than your exes, but different. Do not look at these new people as replacements because you cannot replace someone. I often remember my ex, but it's different now. I see things objectively, I see the bad times and the good. I see her flaws and mine, and guys and gals, as bad as these situations are, you will learn a TON about yourself and about relationships. You will learn that to be happy you don't need someone, as soon as you get this, you will be moving on.

I will finish by saying this: give time time. When they say time will do the healing you think, but when? Well who knows could be months or years its up to you and you only, but time is what will heal you in the end. As hard as it to believe now it does work if you stick to NC. Finally, someone's loss will be another person's gain. That person who let you go will find someone, and a lucky person will find you eventually... might take a few tries but the time will come when you find that person you are meant to be with--as much as you think that person was the one-- they were most likely not or you would still be together. This is a hard one to realise but you will. One step at a time. Good luck!

-expat

[magtdi]

Dear Expat

Like the rest I am in the same boat. Well, similar. I am overseas for a year and a bit, I will probably be home in 4 months. However she wants to stay on a break, or rather single until I get back as she also said that she wants to find herself while I am gone.

I am not going in to detail right now but it is tough for me. As I am trying the NC but man, does that bugger me up. Unfortunately I am surrounded in a new place every two months, so definitely great, but tough when you want some support of friends or loved ones.
Oh, and the constant contact, we visited each other twice - so I am not getting a chance of getting over her, or I don't allow myself.

I should actually be living the life :)


---> I think it is because I will move back to my home country that I still have hope, hope for us and that's why I can't move on while I am here as my heart is with her. I somehow struggle to just switch the emotions off and be the "single casanova".

I am just ranting on without giving any background. So I will do that maybe another time.

Mainly I want to say that reading this post from start to finish was very helpful.
Informative. It really helped in changing my mind. Realise old tools which would help. Lastly, it is really good knowing that everybody makes it after a while :)

Lastly, the feedback you gave how you felt after an year. I am glad you came back and wrote an update. Thank you for that.

Sincerely M