[expat2009]

hello my "name" is expat2009 and my heart is broken.

I've been lurking through this site the last few days without posting much. More for learning and reading situations similar to mine than anything else. I want to tell my story, not just to vent and let it out but also to get some advice and insight. I have told nearly all my friends and family (they're prob sick of hearing about it tho) about my situation and it's not the same getting advice from people you don't know, aka you. If you can read through it --its looong!

I'm 26 and have been living in a country that is not my own for the past 5 years (cultural differences are relevant). I was always single over here and having a reasonably good time, but felt lonely until I met this amazing local girl (three years younger), exactly my type, physically, down-to-earth, funny, simple, hard-working, her way of thinking, and her values (which are similar to my country's). Our relationship (of 21 months today if we were still together) always ran relatively smoothly and we were no doubt in love with each other for most of it. Being on my own, I became almost like a part of her family, all of them loving me and caring for me as if I was one of their own. My girl (or ex) is a very sweet traditional girl (her friends are acting like sluts lately though which she disapproves). She is a virgin and is something I embraced as I was certainly sure I would be her first and hopefully her last... she was always proud of this, as few girls are her age... I always wanted to make love to her (as I am no virgin) and at first I was sure I'd be able to convince her into doing it but after many months I decided to ease off the pressure and realised that even though our love was deep she would always wait until marriage (presumably me at the time) and would not give in easily. I decided not to pressure her let things flow and do other things instead (no penetration) and wait until the day we got married as I know its what she wanted and I thought it was worth the wait. She never wanted to rush into marriage as she has had little experience in life, never travelled away from home except for once for a few months. She had never had a boyfriend or a serious relationship. During the relationship she always expressed the wish to "find herself" and "mature". She is somewhat insecure and so many of her dreams she gave up on because of her job which demands up to 50 hours a week from her. She stresses easily and her job doesn't help at all... even the tiniest things make her worry and because of this I had to deal with a few episodes (no longer than a few weeks old) during our relationship in which she felt a bit distant from me... we dealt with it, I supported her and it always turned out to be her job pressuring her and leaving her "numb" and with little energy for other things... after a little while things would go back to normal and we'd have great experiences together in which we enjoyed life and each other in many ways... I was always attentive to her feelings and always did amazing things for her which made her feel genuinely special, happy and lucky (her words).. I gave her many meaningful gifts which I know will always remind her of me. We were truly happy! All of these issues she had were difficult for me to deal with and help her as Ive lived far more experiences, relationships, traveled, and "lived" more than her. It has left me satisfied with my life so far and for this same reason I wanted to settle down with a nice girl and enjoy the relationship side of life in which you have someone to love and treat well as well as being treated the same way.

Throughout the relationship (like in most) we both neglected many things and made sacrifices. She saw less of her friends (all single) and I neglected some of mine to the point that I hardly ever saw them because I was with her. In the end, almost every free moment we could find we saw each other (still only three times or so a week), and this was good as it's what we wanted and what made us comfortable. However, at times when she went with her friends, I never really let her go freely... even though I said nicely she should have fun without me, I still unintentionally felt a bit weary sometimes in letting her go... she obviously noticed this and probably felt guilty a few times for leaving me to myself --which I regret. I know she probably didn't have as much fun without me a few of those times... I feel she didn't feel truly free to enjoy herself.. but for me it was always, "where is she?" "hope her slutty friends are not putting ideas into her head" and so on... I trusted her all the way, I know she wouldve never cheated on me and I still know its not in her nature. I was always faithful (even though I hadn't had intercourse in almost two years) but in the recent months as things became worse I even started being interested slightly emotionally in a girl from work (but I quickly backed off as I realised we were both in committed relationships) I felt bad because of this but at the same time I felt something was missing.. maybe it was me looking for that which my relationship was starting to miss. You see after having a pretty solid relationship, I slowly started feeling she was getting more and more distant --probably three months ago when it was more apparent-- I thought it was one of these work related episodes and thought things would get back to normal... and they did at times... one other issue we had was that I don't have a car, I honestly don't need one at the moment as I live close to work, and it would be expensive to maintain.. I wouldve only really used it to visit her... she complained about this at times as she hates driving (but never let me drive her car! Which I offered all the time! )... travelling to each other was pretty balanced, I would take public transport and she would drive over. But in the end, things were slowly deteriorating. My reaction? Giving her more space, letting her be, and hopefully she would come back to me. It never really happened it only worsened, I let myself be less attentive, less caring. We did have some memorable times not long ago... but the spark was missing sometimes, there was more arguing, less effort on her part. I felt as if she couldn't be bothered coming to see me, but she still did, even tired after work. The last few weeks, even holding each others hands became less frequent. Kisses were less frequent too. On my side, I thought being more caring and loving would push her away and make me seem needy.

So this continued until two weeks ago, when she came over to my house so we could go spend a whole day together at the park or something (her idea). I was tired of seeing her act this way and asked "whats wrong with you lately" before we went out. And there it came out: "I think we need a break" she started crying and began pouring her heart out she said she wasn't feeling the same way she used to about me, she loved me and cared for me but didn't know if she was "IN love" with me anymore... she gave me the "its not you, its me, you are great to me" and said she didn't deserve me... she said sometimes it felt like she did.. but was confused about her emotions. She said the past months she had been fighting this idea and did want to accept it until it burst out (she said not even her closest friend new about this).

This took me by complete surprise, I did NOT expect this to happen. I knew there was something wrong but when those words came out I felt my stomach sink. I let her speak, and she said work left her "numb" and she didn't have the energy to do anything anymore, and little left for me. She said she needed time and space to think about things, to find herself and to mature. At that moment, I basically said something like "no, there are no breaks, this is a breakup. this ends here and now. I cannot live like this, after hearing this, things cannot go back to normal and I need to move on....we need to break contact for good, or until Im over you who knows when...we cannot be friends, I will not be put in the friend zone" She said she didn't want to lose me as Im amazing and she would never find anyone like me bla bla bla... she said she didn't want to hurt me. But it obviously did... I asked her if she was interested in anyone else and she said NO to the point she was almost upset at me suggesting this "let me be clear, there is no-one else".. I showed a strong face and never shouted at her or try to make her feel bad on purpose but I was firm, and showed strength. I knew she had issues to sort out but I thought I could be with her and support her along the way to self-discovery. When I said "this ends here" and all of that, she didn't really object... she sort of accepted it, cried a bit more, fell silent for a while and then gave me a hug. I asked her to leave and didn't see or hear from her again. After this, I immediately proceeded to remove her and her friends from my phone, Facebook, msn, you name it... I removed everything from my apartment, photos, gifts and anything that reminded me of her directly was thrown under the couch... The next 5 days were absolute hell, no sleep, I hardly ate, drank a bit too much, exercised a lot, talked to as many loved ones as I could while always maintaining NC!!

After 5 days, I realised It couldn't end like this, I needed to be sure this was finished, surely she wouldn't throw our relationship down the toilet? Surely she still had feelings for me! I needed to do something about it, so I broke and called her, she wasn't home but called me 30min later when she got home. She was sweet and genuinely seemed happy to hear from me, she told me she was worried about me and missed me... said she'd be having some good days and some bad days when I asked her how she's been.. I said the same... I proceeded to tell her that I believed she still had feelings for me and our relationship could not just end like this... she continued listening... I told her I understood the reasons behind her "break". And I really did. After maybe 18 months or so, being a couple was taking its toll... throughout the "honeymoon period" its normal to be out of touch and neglect friends and other interests... we both did n we didn't care that much. After a while we lost freedoms and other experiences, Instead of being two individuals we became "the couple". Towards the end we slowly became two different people then what we used to be weren't functioning together as much. She would become cold/distant, then I would become upset, then she would become upset about that, and so on... generally unhappy on both sides. My attempts in improving communication always lead to "i dunno whats wrong with me...i dunno, work just tires me too much". Anyway, as we spoke I told her we BOTH needed time to ourselves (I included myself in this break thing) we needed to find our old selves, the happy ones we fell in love with... do what we always wanted to do, reconnect with friends and with ourselves. I told her that this situation could be a push for our relationship in the future if we came back together as it would help us learn more about our mistakes and about ourselves... after a while, I said "if time is what you need, ill give you as much of it as you want..I dont want to lose you this easily, so I will be patient and understanding" I even reminded her of some great times we had just a few weeks before.. she acknowledged them sweetly and agreed we needed time off, not a definite breakup. She said, "I dont know how long it will take, but if its meant to be its meant to be". She asked me to add her as a friend in Facebook again as she said she wanted to know what I was up to and that we could call each other once in a while to say hi n see how we were doing, I agreed. After our goodbyes we hung up. She definitely sounded like she wasn't having as much trouble as I was the days before. She sounded like she was almost moving on with some activities she wanted to pursue from before... One thing she did mention was that she thought I had reacted correctly on the "break" day 5 days before, she said she wanted me to be angry and upset (? To punish her?) which I was... she also said she had changed her airplane ticket (we were planning to visit my home country mid next year for the 1st time to meet my parents) for an open ticket in case she decided to pursue her dream of teaching for a few months overseas. I asked if our trip was still a possibility, to which she said "i dunno" or "maybe if we are together" or something like that.

It's been 13 days (feels like 13 weeks! ) since that conversation. I have been strict to the NC. I used to check her Facebook once in awhile but no longer do. I believe if she asked for space than that's what id give her. I honestly thought she wouldve initiated contact by now (she suggested it after all). Especially because xmas is 3 days away and she knows I was going to spend it with her family, she still doesn't know were I will spend it (ive made plans to spend it with a work mate and his family). So, to this day I haven't heard from her... I had thought about calling or SMSing her on christmas day, but I decided not to, nor on NYE... from now on, I will not initiate contact.. if she calls, I will be polite, be unavailable, keep it short, and NOT mention the relationship or what she has been thinking about us. It really kills me not knowing anything, Im trying to lower my hopes as much as I can of getting back together as I love her very much and honestly don't want to lose her.. although being realistic I know the chances are slim.. she is amazing in many ways, and I can't imagine finding anyone like her. I am trying to keep myself busy, made plans for NYE with friends, and even started taking classes in sports Ive always been interested in. I really do want to move on, but as all of you know, hope is hard to get rid of when you are this in love. She is worth it I believe. As much as she needs to learn about life, why can't she do it along side me?

I know breaking NC is a no no.. but I felt I needed to make a last effort, even if it did mean opening the doors for her, and possibly for more hurt and suffering if Im dissapointed with the results. I think the benefit would outweigh the risk... however, I will NOT do anything like this again.. when I did it, It was an ALL or NOthing, I got something, and hope came back and I felt better, for awhile.

What do you guys think, am I on the right track? Does this relationship have a future? I sacrificed so much for her, in the end I did feel I was left "shortchanged" I know it will be very hard to get over her, but I am willing to. As much as it hurts me knowing she could soon meet someone else and forget about me... OUCH!

[expat2009]

By the way! I just wanted to add... like a message from God or something, just 5 minutes after I wrote this post, I started watching the movie "Swingers" and the first scene in the movie has this little conversation:

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.


TRUE?? Wow!!

[talaniman]

You said you would give her space so do as you say, and leave her alone and live your own life, and if she wants to come back she will. So I guess what the guy in swingers says is true.

The whole point is you give her what she wants, and let her make up her own mind without your influence.

Yeah, its sucks, but isn't that better than acting like a needy, lovesick, puppy, and begging, and making an emotional pest of yourself, and pushing her away??

[expat2009]

So she just texted me this morning (25th) after 15 days of NC saying "hey! jst wanting to wish u a merry christmas n c how ur doin. hope all is well :)"


To which I haven't replied... I want to show that I'm doing well and fine without making anything else out of it... suggestions?

[artlady]

A naïve girl who has had little experience in life is not willing to commit herself because she needs to spread her wings and discover who she is... that sounds like a good thing for both of you.

Perhaps your love and friendship gave her the confidence she needed to move forward with finding herself.Self being the key word here.

If it is meant to be *sounds so cliche* it will. I think you are wise to accept the possibility that it may be over for good and protect your heart by doing exactly what you are doing.

Prepare for the worst and then there will be no surprises.

It is never easy and yes it is a big *OUCH* but we live and learn and sometimes we are only meant to have someone for a short time but we have to thank the powers that be that we even had that.

It is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all?
(some famous quote,very maligned by me I'm sure)

I don't see where you need the no contact thing because you seem to be able to handle it.. some people can't.Only you can judge the tolerance of your heart.

Keep making plans for your future and many blessings... Michele

[expat2009]

Thanks for your post Michele (artlady) your words meant a lot.

So I texted this about an hour and a half later...

"hey! im doin good thanks :) ...merry christmas to you and your family as well"

Short... sweet... and dignified I thought

[artlady]

Very dignified.. Good for you!
Some people can't handle the *the no contact*and some can.
Clearly you are man with class and restraint.. no matter how it hurts right?
Enjoy your holiday sweetie!

[expat2009]

You said you would give her space so do as you say, and leave her alone and live your own life, and if she wants to come back she will. So I guess what the guy in swingers says is true.

The whole point is you give her what she wants, and let her make up her own mind without your influence.

Yeah, its sucks, but isn't that better than acting like a needy, lovesick, puppy, and begging, and making an emotional pest of yourself, and pushing her away???

You are right... its all about me now... and having dignity and strength... easier said than done huh.. thanks for your answer

[grindin]

Damn dude you are in the same boat as me. My ex girl of 5 years left me 2 days before christmas and told me kind of the same reason why your ex wanted to leave. She told me she wanted to be independent and find out who she really is. Something I don't really understand? I thought the same as you, as to why she can't do that with me. After being so depressed and having to find this website, I realized that this is best for the both of us. I really needed to find myself, too. I realized that I'm not the person who I used to be. She actually made me kind of like become a man because she left me. In my head at first, I thought this was a bad thing but realize this is the only way to see if we can actually be together in the future. I won't have hope, but if things do happen for the best of us, so be it!
Be strong bro. we are good people and we deserve the best of life. In the meantime have a merry christmas.

[expat2009]

damn dude you are in the same boat as me. My ex girl of 5 years left me 2 days before christmas and told me kind of the same reason why your ex wanted to leave. she told me she wanted to be independent and find out who she really is. something i don't really understand?? i thought the same as you, as to why she can't do that with me. after being so depressed and having to find this website, I realized that this is best for the both of us. I really needed to find myself, too. I realized that I'm not the person who I used to be. She actually made me kind of like become a man because she left me. In my head at first, I thought this was a bad thing but realize this is the only way to see if we can actually be together in the future. I won't have hope, but if things do happen for the best of us, so be it!!
be strong bro. we are good people and we deserve the best of life. in the meantime have a merry christmas.

I'm glad to know there are many others in my situation --not glad for your misfortunes, just glad that we can help each other out through these tough times. I've also been doing a LOT of thinking about what happened to us.. and as much as I want to change some things in the past It probably wouldn't have helped much, just delay the inevitable. Truth is, she needs to grow up and as much as I thought I could be with her as she did, I'm no longer needed. There is little we can do to help them and make them come back except to let them be, give them their space and at the same time use the opportunity for ourselves to learn, grow, and rediscover the guy we used to be back then when things were good. It's incredibly hard doing this, especially during the holidays, but we are still here alive and kicking aren't we?

As for me, I will stick to NC and except nothing out of it except to begin my healing, regain my confidence and start thinking about myself... What everyone says here is true and proven time and time again. I was in love once about 5 years ago with another amazing girl, back then after she broke my heart (unintentionally) I eventually moved on. Everyday I thought about her a little bit less and less until she disappeared from my head. Months later she met someone and married him early this year. I felt nothing of it except for the "it could've been me" thought, however, I no longer felt any pain. A few weeks ago I was chatting to this same girl as friends, she was giving ME advice with my current situation! And it felt good being able to talk without feeling anything for her. How things change with time --you do heal.

It's not healthy to maintain expectations of things going back to the way they were either. It kills me not knowing anything about her and it's better that I don't as it will most likely cause me more pain. So best that we focus on ourselves for now and if it's meant to be then so be it like you said.

Keep in touch!

Merry xmas and a very happy new year to all of us!

[zeeniee]

Hey Expat 2009,
I agree with Tal give her all the space she needs and during this time you move on and fill your life with wonderful things. I think you have handled this so well and in a very respectable manner. It must be v hard, even thou we all try to be brave and strong in such hard circumstances. Your NC is so great! You have kept to it well, unlike me how did break it a few times and then had to start again. Keep it real and keep going! Best of luck!

[aszmhodeus]

Hello expat2009 and grindin,

It makes me sad browsing these forums to see people with the same situation as mine. Exactly the same, and especially now when Christmas and New Year is.

I posted a thread too and the users here helped me a lot. It is the first time I am heartbroken too, and I know how it feels, mostly after a long term relationship (have 4 years+ with my girl).

Wanted to thank artlady too, the advice she has given to you, is great, I will use it for my case too. I did mistakes like begging her, crying over her etc to try to get her back, but I should have some strength and be the male in the relationship. I will try to leave her a No Comment time from both sides until she will contact me as misses me. Right now I phoned ( I know and it was a mistake ) and she barely wanted to hear my voice.

In the end, I hope you guys will get your girlfriends back, same as I wish more than anything else in the world. Love is indeed a great miracle, but true love can be gained only with great sacrifices and pain...

I wish you a Happy New Year in advance!

Regards,
R

[expat2009]

Hello expat2009 and grindin,

It makes me sad browsing these forums to see people with the same situation as mine. Exactly the same, and especially now when Christmas and New Year is.

I posted a thread too and the users here helped me a lot. It is the first time I am heartbroken too, and I know how it feels, mostly after a long term relationship (have 4 years+ with my girl).

Wanted to thank artlady too, the advice she has given to you, is great, I will use it for my case too. I did mistakes like begging her, crying over her etc to try to get her back, but I should have some strength and be the male in the relationship. I will try to leave her a No Comment time from both sides until she will contact me as misses me. Right now I phoned ( I know and it was a mistake ) and she barely wanted to hear my voice.

In the end, I hope you guys will get your girlfriends back, same as I wish more than anything else in the world. Love is indeed a great miracle, but true love can be gained only with great sacrifices and pain...

I wish you a Happy New Year in advance!

Regards,
R

Hey aszmhodeus,
You are not alone here. We are all experiencing tough times that will --with time-- get much better. I know it because I've been there before, and after a long time, I eventually recovered. It took me a while because I decided to stay as friends and this was my mistake, as getting over her was impossible when I still saw her often.

This time around I learned my lesson, and although it will be much harder, I am determined to move on in the least amount possible.

Tonight, (1st Jan) I'm extremely tempted to call her or txt her happy new year. But what's the point... will it help me get her back? No. Will it make me feel better? Probably not. Has she done the same to me? No. she hasn't. Then why should I be the one to do it?

She knows I'm crazy about her already, a text or call will only re-assure her that she's got me wrapped around her finger, and then back to square one. So no, I won't do it. Only a few hours left in the day. Tomorrow, things go back to "normal".

[expat2009]

Well... its the 2nd of Jan. And I really want to text her a simple "Hey! Happy New Year to you and your family. Hope it brings you many good things :)"

I know she will reply in the same level emotionally. So I'm not expecting much... she didn't text me either, but that's because she texted me 1st on xmas day. Would this set me back? Or is it OK to send a cordial message? We don't resent each other and its been 3 weeks of NC (apart from her merry xmas text) and almost 4 weeks since she asked for her "break"... I repeat I don't want to get anything out of it except being friendly. I mean we were best friends for two years. Advice?

[talaniman]

You don't have to convince anyone of your motives except yourself, do what you feel is right for you. As you say, your just being friendly and expect nothing in return.

[expat2009]

I have sent her the HNY text message reading:
"Hey! Hope you had a great nye. I just wanted to wish you a happy new year. May it bring v good things to u n ur family :) "

To which she replied a few minutes later:
"hey! happy new year to u too. i truly hope and wish your 2009 is filled with great things and happiness :) "


So that's it... I think there is no other choice for me than to resume NC and move on with my life. If there are any developments to this story --which I doubt-- I will post them here. Regardless I will keep posting my answers as Ive learned a lot through this painful process and would like to help as many as I can.

HNY to all... may it bring all of us great things and lots of happiness.

[expat2009]

Ok... I just wrote a letter to her. This will not be sent to her. It's for myself and I wanted to share it with you guys. It's part of my recovery; part of letting her go for good.

If I don't explain to you what Im feeling inside, you might never understand. I am hurt, very hurt. I don't hold it against you though because I know it's not your fault. Love cannot be forced, It has to happen naturally...I can't change how you feel, and that kills me....that's why, as much as I love you, I need to make you disappear from my life so I can move on. It's no longer about you, its about ME.

One day, I will be over you, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget you because I could never forget someone like you. I may be 80yrs old, ready to die, and I know you will come back into my mind somehow --the good memories. But I need to heal, for myself, so I can be ME again. It's going to be hard, but I will move on one day. Please don't contact me again, I repeat DO NOT contact me again unless you want to get back together with me --even though it's an impossible dream-- and even if it were to happen it won't be easy to overcome the pain that was inflected. But if it's strong enough, you and I will be together again.

I don't take you lightly, you are the most important person that I've had in my life so far. Maybe one day, in 6 months, in one year, or 5 years, I don't know..I will be over you, and only then will I be ready to look for you and become best friends once again. I'm sorry it has to be like this, but it's the only way that we can move on and keep the damage to a minimum. I will NEVER forget you, and you will always be in my heart in one way or another. I wish you the very best and I hope you find true happiness one day, beautiful girl.

[kctiger]

Nice rant... it is a new year now, so time to build a new you! Make yourself proud.

[talaniman]

Ok... I just wrote a letter to her. This will not be sent to her. It's for myself and I wanted to share it with you guys. It's part of my recovery; part of letting her go for good.

Way to go, that's a good decision for yourself.:D

[SydneyEdsill]

I'm in the same boat only its aguy.:(