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Fixer12 · Feb 18, 2009, 03:24 PM

Multiple threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

I just recently started dating this new girl about 2 weeks ago. Everything has been going really well. She and I have both been very excited about it and have been trying our best to see each other whenever we can.

Lil background info. She and I both work in the same place. Our scheduals are pretty much different, she works in the afternoon while I work in the morning. We didn't meet at our job, we actually met before she started working there. We only see each other at work for a couple hours a day, and when we do, we still are both running around.

Things have been going very well like I said. I have been really hurt in the past and she knows this, but I have been sadly letting it effect my mind. I keep thinking that she is going to hurt me like my last relatinoships have. She so far has been a very supportive and caring girlfriend. Sadly I don't know what to do about this. I get very jealous of other guys cause in the past other girlfriends would run off with guys when I was told that she wasn't... so now in my head I get very worried. I am trying to treat her as something new.

The relationship was very exciting for the first week, but now as things calm down and the excitement of us being together is starting to go away. I start craving more attention, even though I know I don't need it. I am not sure on what else I need to do to stop feeling like this.

We try to avoid each other at work, so we can keep our relationship on the downlow from other employees so they don't feel uncomfortable by anything. The hard part is... now she nad I both feel like we have to ignore each other... which sucks cause we both know we don.t.

Any advice on this situation and how to clear my head of these bad thoughts of getting hurt would be wonderful! Thank you

roxypox · Feb 18, 2009, 04:05 PM

The exitment went away after just one week? that's pretty fast...

As for the thoughts about getting hurt... I think everyone that has ever been hurt in the past is a little scared that it'll happen again, and sometimes it does happen again (sorry, but it is a fact), but why let that fear ruin what you have now? Why let it ruin something thast good.

You need to push those thoughts out of your head and focus on the now. And sometimes we have to just ignore the fear and/or stop feeding it with thoughts of what if this and what if that. To focus on the present can be a good way of doing that. Also to have a little faith in the person your with.. she might end up hurting you (one day) but she might not... you never know.

As for the work situation: why ignore each other completely? You work in the same place and I assume that people wouldn't find it wired if you said hello or smiled at each other... right? Or had a tiny chit-chat now and then. There are ways to prevent it from coming out too soon, without ignoring each other completely.

Hope this was of some help!

talaniman · Feb 18, 2009, 11:40 PM

You can't let the past dictate your future and any relationship you have is a risk.

You've been dating two weeks but how long have you known each other?

Fixer12 · Feb 19, 2009, 04:52 AM

We have known each other for about a month now. And honestly she has been there so much more then any other girl has before. I am blown away by it! I just really want to keep her interested and happy. That is my main goal

talaniman · Feb 19, 2009, 07:42 AM

Too much, to fast, crash and burn!!

Take your time and have fun getting to know this stranger, but I think you've heard me say that before. ;)

If you can stay out of the workplace intrigue and realize its to early for either of you to get carried away and keep things real, you can enjoy and have a good time. Back off at any drama as work is not the place for it.

Fixer12 · Jul 23, 2009, 10:33 AM

Threads merged

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. We have been very happy together and we love each other very much.

The only problem is lately we have been fighting and arrgueing a lot. A lot more then we should be. We try and talk our ways through them and we usually always do but about a day later there is another subject to fight about. Our fights have never been bad as hurting each other. The worst is just calling each other hurtful names (which even then doesn't happen very often) She and I both come from very hurtful relationships before we were together.

Usually she and I have conflicting schedules and most of the time we only see each other at night so one of us will stay at the others apartment. The next morning early one of us will have to go to work or something so we will see each other at night again. It's like when we are happy... we don't have time to be happy because we are still recovering from the past fight. So we are unsure if we are spending too much time together. She believes that we are. So she wants to go out and do more with her friends. Or have more of her own personal time. Some how I can't help but think of that in a negative and hurtful way. Like I am annoying her. We both don't know what to do. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

N0help4u · Jul 23, 2009, 11:59 AM

Yeah your spending too much time together and not getting out with friends doing things you enjoy can hurt your relationship.
You need to figure out something you both agree on. It shouldn't have to be too detailed.
Also when you are fighting try you have your say, she has her say and then you have to think of the others perspective on things and how each of you thinks is the best way to work it out. Be constructive with your differences not destructive.

s_cianci · Jul 23, 2009, 12:04 PM

It doesn't sound like you're seeing too much of each other. So if she still feels that way that could be a sign that she wants out of the relationship. It doesn't sound good to me.

Torrid13 · Jul 23, 2009, 12:28 PM

Perhaps you shouldn't see each other every night. I think at least every other night would be better: that way you don't feel like you're smothering each other, which seems to be the case.

Go out and meet with friends, or just have nights alone to recharge your batteries. If you don't give each other space, eventually the arguing is going to end your relationship, and it wouldn't be pretty.

Encourage her to go out with friends: she'll love you for it!

talaniman · Jul 24, 2009, 09:47 AM

So we are unsure if we are spending too much time together. She believes that we are

That's the way she feels, why not accept it?

So she wants to go out and do more with her friends. Or have more of her own personal time

Maybe your to needy and clingy in this very young relationship? I think so.

Some how I can't help but think of that in a negative and hurtful way. Like I am annoying her.

Not addressing her concerns is very annoying. Needing her attention and not accepting her need to do something else besides stroking your ego, is annoying, and selfish. That's what needy insecure, and immature people do.

We both don't know what to do. Any advice would be great. Thank you.

She needs balance in her life, and your not listening. Its not a knock on you, why do you take it that way?

Your sure not handling your differences in a mature way, and that's a problem. No wonder you are arguing, because your not paying attention to what she is telling you, and have a negative view of her perspective.

Is this her?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ip-319083.html,

You have many issues of your own to address.

Fixer12 · Oct 20, 2009, 08:45 AM

Threads merged

So my girlfriend and I have been together for quite a while now. There have been times where I have blown off hanging out with my brother because of her. (and he has done the same to me). Well my girlfriend and I have had plans to go to a particular event tonight. Just the two of us, then tomorrow night I am going out with him without her. And I just found out that my brother and his friend are going to the same event as well. I had told him that his was something she and I had planned just doing together. I feel bad for saying this. Am I wrong? (he also knows that I have been having trouble hanging out with him because of this relationship)

redhed35 · Oct 20, 2009, 08:48 AM

Once everyone knows where they stand I don't see a problem,just because you and your girlfriend will be at the same place as your brother,it does not mean you have to hang out together...

Its good to have other friends and go to separate places,but if you make a plan with either of them,try not to blow one off for the sake of the other.

Justwantfair · Oct 20, 2009, 08:48 AM

There isn't anything wrong with alone time with either party, but there also isn't anything wrong with everyone getting together either.

Since this was planned as a date night, I think it was appropriate that you convey that message, which you did. I would let the issue go, you have plans with your brother for the following night.

I wish · Oct 20, 2009, 08:54 AM

Threads merged to follow relationship from the beginning

Seems like you have a tendency to make things more complicated than it has to be.

1) If the intention is to go on a date with your girlfriend, then enjoy your time together.

2) If the intention is to hang out with your brother, then enjoy your time with him.

If you all happen to be at the same place, then treat it as a coincidence and not as a problem. Stick with your original commitment of who you initialliy planned to hang out with.

talaniman · Oct 20, 2009, 09:33 AM

Dude, if you see your brother at the event, give him the thumbs up, and take your date to another spot, and groove with just her. No biggie.

Make her your special focus.

Fixer12 · Nov 14, 2009, 08:44 PM

Threads merged

I am not sure if this is the right place to ask this question.

My girlfriend and I are going to both be away from home this holiday season for we are both in an internship. I am trying ot think of several ideas to help us both have a great Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is going to be much harder on her because I have my brother here and we will be spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas with him. She has been having a really hard time with it already and it hasn't even come yet. Money is also limited. Does anyone know what could be done to help her and I both have a great and Thanksgiving and Christmas?

redhed35 · Nov 15, 2009, 05:18 AM

If you could find out some of the christmas traditions that her family do and incorporate them into your own christmas.

Put together a photo album of her family and your family.

Start your own traditions.

Set up a web cam for her and her family.. contact her family and see if its possible.

Fixer12 · Nov 19, 2009, 08:27 AM

Threads merged

I have been with my current girlfriend for almost 10 months now. I care about her a lot as she does for me. We have both had a lot going in our lives during this time. We are both working at an internship that makes very little money and very long hours. Usually our hours are from 2:00 PM - 1:00 AM roughly. We do not work together and we do have some time during the morning (if we wake up early) or after we get off (if we stay up till 3AM) to hang out. We don't have many friends. I have my brother here and she only has me. The only friends we both had left when we extended our internship.

Things have been piling up in both of our lives and we soon go home (which is a long distance away from each other) at the beginning of the year. (month and 1/2).

Lately she and I have been arguing a lot and fighting. Her father recently got admitted to the hospital for a heart attack and hitting his head badly. She is suffering from that while trying to balance out 2 online classes while doing work. We make time together for each other but she is just never happy, which in turn has been making me miserable. She has a problem with me going to bars with my brother (I am 21 she is 20) because of how drinking has effected men in her past relationships. So I agree not to go. I don't get to see my brother very often and when we all get together, they both don't get along, or she is miserable because she is tired and has a lot going on.

I want to be able to be ME in this relationship, and make her happy and myself. But being able to balance out everyhing (also my dad just got laid off so I will be moving somewhere new when I am done with my internship). She is nervous about the kind of guy I am going to be when we go our own ways. But I won't hurt her, but she is so scared of that. She doesn't like my hobbies which is mountian biking, she feels it is childish and something I should grow out of... which I haven't been able to do because of where I live for the last 2 years, and soon will be able to again.

We argue. We fight. We both want to make this better and stronger. But how? She wants to be with me all the free time we have, which is very little and I also need time to spend with my brother (that can't be drinking) and also have my own time.

Please any help here would be great!

Devorameira · Nov 19, 2009, 12:17 PM

Your girlfriend seems really insecure. I know you'd like to be you, but it will take time for her to get that secure feeling, especially with her past experiences. You may need to be the one that bends a little for now. There's a lot of men out there that would love to have a woman who wants to be around them all the time. After she feels good about the relationship and secure in the feeling that you're not going to find someone else, then you can slowly ease into some of your old habits again. :p

Cat1864 · Nov 19, 2009, 01:17 PM

From what you have written, I am getting the feeling that she is hiding from the world when she isn't busy with the classes or work. I really think she needs a neutral party to talk to about her stresses (father, work, school, relationship, etc.). Unfortunately, you can't make her happy. She has to do that. She has to want that.

Are those hours seven days a week or do you have days off?

Does she ever get out just to enjoy herself? Does she have any hobbies that help release the stress she is under?

Is there any way to encourage her to make new friends? Does your brother have any female friends who could encourage her to get out of the house to maybe go to the beach or a park and just hang out?

On the mountain biking, does she really find it childish or is she afraid that you will get injured? Sometimes, we lash out at things because they are a part of a larger fear.

It may seem strange, but have you shown her AMHD.