[GodIsInControl]

My husband and I have been married for 11 months now. I am 26 and he is 30. He was married before and divorced and this is my first marriage. We co-habited before marriage and paid half on all bills. During our premarital counseling we agreed to continue to pay half on all bills and have own personal accounts in addition to the one joint-account, which is used to pay bills. Each month we transfer from our separate accounts our halfs for the amount of bills. He makes almost twice as much money as I make - and during the planning for the wedding I realized that it was not fair that I was struggling to pay my half of the wedding expenses, especially because. I missed a week of work. I then realized that we weren't working together and that he was stacking up his money while I paid half on everything and had no where near (the amt. of money) that he had left every month. I feel the pressure when thinking of buying something for the house - because. I want to save what I have left at the end of the month. He agrues with me that I agreed to the terms during marriage counseling and that I am pretty much to blame. He offered to pay 70% and I pay 30% if any additional expenses come up, but that makes me feel inadequate. If we put all our income together, then there would be no more 'my' money and 'your' money, and 'well, I've paid more money on.. . ". As his wife I feel inadequate. I know I agreed to pay half, but I had no idea I would feel this way. I feel that in relationships your partner should be flexible when it comes to your needs and happiness. I feel he is being selfish by keeping his personal account in his own name, because I feel it's his security blanket and that he doesn't trust me. I am not a greedy person - I am seeking oneness with my husband and want to be included in our financial plans for the future - I don't feel I have a financial security plan when my name is not on his account, which he claims is 'our' emergency fund (I feel that it is his emergency fund, because. I don't have access). The fact that he's not willing to be 'financially one' with me hurts me. If the tables were turned I would meet his needs 110%. My husband is disabled and if something were to go terribly wrong with his health and his condition worsens, then I would be responsible for caring for him - I would maybe even have to quit my job is needed. I feel cheated - the animosity is building up - Please Help! :(

[Fr_Chuck]

Each family has its own program,
Keeping some separate money is a good idea, you will both do it anyway, ( reallyyou will but then it will be "hiding".

He does not want to know that you paid 1000 for some curtains and you don't need to know he paid 400 dollars for a pair of golf shoes, that is where one start to try and out spend the other.

Putting money into a fund according to a percent of income to pay all house hold bills has saved 1000's of marrigages.

I just don't see it, you did not feel right paying 1/2, then when he was going to pay 70 percent, that makes you feel bad. You really can't have it both ways.

And you have a will to be your security blanket or you each can have the name on the others account, you just never use that account.

You can and should set down and budget, set up emegency funds, retirement funds and the such,
But it is a very good idea to each have some of your own money to be able to spend ( if your budet allows that.