[amaranth]

I'm in my early 30s, and haven't had much luck in relationships in the past. Aged 23, I lost my virginity. We were both virgins, and unsurprisingly it was short, uncomfortable, and unfulfilling. We didn't have sex again, and split up shortly afterwards, as the guy felt that without sex, the relationship really meant nothing.

I've not had sex since then, and I don't masturbate - or get any thrill out of trying. Relationships have not been any more than what seems like excessive spaghetti hands and tongues. I did try to rekindle a relationship with a guy I dated in college. I was too young and had so little self-esteem at the time that I backed off. We ended up in bed, but I specified no sex. He attempted to bring me to orgasm with fingering - without penetration - and it certainly brought me nowhere near arousal, let alone orgasm!

Recently, I've met a man who I really like. We've known each other a while, but only been on one date so far, and we fully intend to see more of each other. How do I broach / address my issues, though? It seems the older I get, the more difficult it becomes to get over this hurdle, and the more expectations someone would have for their partner's sexual experience!

[smoothy]

Perhaps see a councelor... half of it is really wanting to overcome it, the other half is finding help to do so.

[Ren6]

Have you ever had sexual feelings? Perhaps you're asexual... some people are. I second the vote for a trip to a counselor. I hope things work out for you!

[Justwantfair]

I agree with counseling, although I think your first step will be learning about your own body and that includes masturbation. You will never find fulfillment with a partner if you can not tell them what you like.

[Synnen]

I think your FIRST step is with your OB/Gyn. You need to find out if this is a physical problem, a mental problem, or a combination of both.

[Choux]

You don't burden a budding relationship with a lot of your sexual problems, or any kind of problem.

I think you have to go to a good therapist at this point... I think you have developed a negative attitude toward sexuality that requires a professional. Make getting help a top priority. :)

A person doesn't need to have a healthy sex life in order to find a road to happiness for him or herself.

Best wishes to you, :)

[kp2171]

Mental blocks suck.

Its just amazing, how, after a few sexual "wins", you are able to release... be in the moment... trust yourself and your partner... and until then... it just plain sucks. Frustration begets more frustration.

I've been with my partner for ten years. Through communication and an open approach we've been able to "fine tune" our sexual relationship. Personally... I'm an easy lay. "push/pull/repeat" in various forms and manners will get me there. Done deal. Warm skin and passionate kisses will seal it.

My love... it takes more. She has to be mentally ready. Relaxed. In the moment. Not distracted. Charged sensually.

When a person has issues with reaching orgasm, there can be a lot of factors at hand. Maybe its one "big" thing... maybe it's the accumulation of many "small" things...

I've written over and over and over, ad nauseum, that there are certain things that make my love more able to hit orgasm.

She needs to be relaxed. A hot bath to warm her body and ease her tension is good. A warm room in important. She needs to be naked, but not hiding under covers for warmth. She is more responsive in the morning and during the day, before her body gets overly sensitized late at night. A decent massage can get her body relaxed, get her skin sensitized, get her mind in the right place. Often, this means doing things she wants... not the things that I necessarily want... my "instincts" for what pleases me aren't always the same as her needs... this is one of the problems that I think you are running into. The woman's needs are not always, even often, the same as the mans.

My lover needs to be mentally in the moment. If work is pressing, if the child might barge in at any moment, if there are issues outside the bedroom that are demanding her attention... it might never get there. She mentally needs to worry about nothing but experiencing the sensations over her skin.

For my love, positions are important. She will never get to orgasm with man on top, missionary. Period. Not with me. Not with others. It feels good to her, but isn't what she needs. She might love to see me hit orgasm face to face, but it just isn't the right angle for her.

An angle from the side or behind, or woman on top (best) is better for her. Even better if her self stimulates with her wet finger. This, again, demands you can let go of your inhibitions... allow yourself to both be in the moment and seek what you need. A balancing act.

Personally, I've found oral on a woman to be one of the easiest ways to get her to orgasm... but... oral can be done BADLY (we rush too much and don't let tension build) and I also prefer the connection through intercourse... its much more "balanced"... but that said, if I had to get a woman to orgasm with a gun placed to my head, shed be at the edge of the bed, pillow under her arse, and me kneeling to please her.

The good news and the bad news is that I think you are experienceing something not uncommon.

The main errogenous zone for the male is much, much bigger and less sensitized. A little rough play is lovely. For the female, it can be tricky.

One love absolutely LOVED rough play at her cl!toris... she could get off almost all the time. It was amazing. I felt like I was king of the world... and she wasn't exactly the type to fake and be done. She just could take more pressure than most.

The next love would smack me upside the head if I did to her what I did the previous love. ABSOLUTELY the wrong sensations. She needed the softest, wettest touch. A very, very slow buildup. 20-30 mintues of sensual massage, skin on skin, was better for her to sensitize than anything else.

So...

I know you are frustrated. Its absolutely reasonable.

Understanding what you need comes only through experience and an open mind. There are positions that would NEVER get my partner off if she wasn't willing to self stimulate when I'm inside her. It's the difference between orgasm and feeling good.

Fingering with one woman got her to orgasm much of the time... with another, it didn't do anything. There's no "one recipe fits all"...

Talk about therapy isn't about being "defective"... I've worked with a therapist twice in my life... and I'm a pretty independent person. I don't like asking for help. But simply airing out your concerns and getting independent feedback... it really can be helpful.

I absolutely HATED making the first appointment with a therapist, was all but in tears... but I walked out glad I went. Gave me a place to vent, to get constructive opinions, and to find a different angle.

Just something to consider.

Mental blocks, physical needs not being met, imbalances of hormones, anxiety, etc... many different things that can be at play here.

When you can enjoy the moment for what it is, you'll be closer. That doesn't mean the burden is all on you. A guy who isn't willing to listen to you, to work with you, to be patient... he isn't going to get you any closer.

So you need to be willing and open to explore. Doesn't matter your age. And your partner needs to be willing to listen and work with you. My personal experience is the older I get, the more I understand I can know it all... that I need to pay attention to my lover... that I can't assume I know all the answers...

And that means we both need to approach each other with an open mind, a willingness to fail, and a belief that we both are attentive to each other.

Thanks for posting.

[amaranth]

Thank you all for the advice - I'll be getting in touch with Relate or similar asap. Fingers crossed!

[kp2171]

Thanks for the update.

Let us know how things go... its always good to hear what works and what doesn't... updating your post can help others in your situation.