[smoothy]

It is obvious from her question that she does not like porn, so why should she have to watch it? \
3 hours a day is excessive and addictive. I know, there are many on here who claim I am wrong, but from the volume of questions about porn it clearly is a major problem in our society and causing major problems in relationships. Don't know what else to call it but addiction. You have two choices, dump him and move on. Or confront him and insist he get help dealing with his addiction.

SHe doesn't have to look at it... he's HIDING it from her remember. She said so in the original post. Its not out where the kids would find it or she would see it if she wasn't snooping around behind his back.

Now if he would think she should have his name tattooed on her butt? Or say he had an interest in S&M would he be right in demanding she comply because he likes it? So that is different in what way then expecting him to give up something he enjoys just because she doesn't like it because she has insecurities?

He's an adult... he has ever right to have his porn as she does to watch her soap operas, talk to her friends read her favorite reading material, etc.

THey are both adults... and as an adult they each have their rights to do what they enjoy. There is no harm beign done (only imagined harm from someone upset he won't bow to her commands)... and its not taking money away from things like food or rent.

[xoxaprilwine]

Its pretty clear everyone thinks something different here :). I do think Smoothy has a relevant point... the right to fidelity. But where does the right to fidelity draw its line? When one partner is left displeased, unsatisfied and sexually ignored? Its not about you chicky its about him. Don't compare yourself; they are a quick fix. When doing it they don't think of you and it has nothing to do with you. Women aren't like men and we will always have an issue trying to understand it... so choose what you want to do, I had to. These things can be addicting as anything else... but an addictive personality will come to boot, this is the least of your issues... imagine if he starts gambling. True enough we are all so different that we all have different fantasies, desires, likes and dislikes. Agreeably porn is porn and masturbating is just that, usually there is something else that is the root of the matter just like any other conflict and if not handled with care can branch out to more complicated matters barring the original matter deeper so don't loose track of what's really going on... Your bf's excessive use and behavior is not normal or healthy I agree, but then maybe you should reconsider the relationship and find someone else (get out while your ahead)... just remember that they all masturbate its about how you choose to deal with it if at all.

[smoothy]

The right to fidelity is just that. And I do agree I believe both partners do have that right.

In my mind that does include the obvious physical stuff. But also serious flirting and long personal conversations that go beyond what is acceptable in a normal friendship.

But it does involve active participation with TWO willing adults.

Porn does not involve this. There is only one active participating person. A magazine... electronic picture or video do not involve that.

[xoxaprilwine]

What do you know about his past relationships? Lost one? Or had no serious relationship? See I understand you, he probably thinks your too needy, dependent and not emotionally mature (typical feelings). Does he avoid going out seeing people and stay home and turn on the fantasy and stay in the house? Does he associate porn with masturbation? Not all men masturbate to porn all the time... its only when they associate the two that could be the problem. Not only that but this type of addiction is very complex and misunderstood as there are different types of sex addictions. Whoever says that you can't get addicted to porn is in denial themselves... sex addiction is a SYMPTOM NOT a CAUSE. It is a result of his approach to intimacy... you can't stop this behavior but deal with the intimacy issues causing emotional neglect... leading to sex infrequently or non at all or for long periods or impersonal/meaningless sex or you have to initiate it... he does not initiate it or when having sex does he ask you to do things you don't want to (sexual neglect). Also your boyfriend is in denial, lies about it and hides it... when you do find it he blames it being someone else's or an excuse for it rather then just admitting it and not going through the secretive extent of hiding it. If there is any addiction that is misunderstood, its masturbation addiction... there are two drives a natural one and addictive one... problem is when the natural drive is effected - this is love making with you. It's a misuse of a person's natural sex drive.. which leads to compulsion and can affect every part of the person's life, self-respect, intimate relationships, associations with family and friends, finances and career. The joy for natural sex now does compete with his sexual addiction. He is not having fun if he is addicted... just concealing their personal problems just as an alcoholic uses booze... it delivers short-term thrills followed by long-term miseries. It provides an illusion of pleasure that is escap orientated but when the escape is gone so all real life demands come back... some rationalizations for addictions are this:

It's not addiction; its to relieve stress. Its not addiction; it's a way of having fun. Everyone does it. Your too uptight about sex. I am not. I have more sex drive then most people. It gives me pleasure. It can't be an addiction if I like it. I know guys who are sex addicts. I'd never do what they do. I am normal; you are abnormal.

Does your boyfriend know he is addicted? Probably not. Remember don't take on his burden... its not yours to own. Now you may think he has an addiction but he may not... it could be a result of something else. How long have you been dating boyfriend? Need to know more about your relationship and more about him.

Here are some questions:
Does he take interest in your life? Does he listen or care? Are you involved in his life? Does he share important feelings with you? When telling you the facts does he emotionally comment? Are you in a roommate situation? Can you share deeper feelings with a friend then with him?

[HKitty]

It is true, there is a big problem in our society with the porn... Men are watching too much porn and not paying attention to their partner need. I know that very well!

[smoothy]

Bigger problem is women that believe they can control all aspect of the boyfriends (or husbands ) life.


Then get shocked when he gets fed up and cheats on her or leaves her.

Too many women blame their own problems that existed long before they met the man on his porn viewing, football watching etc... anything but themselves where the real fault lies..

[0rphan]

If your boyfriend is totally faithful and only has eyes for you, then I really wouldn't bother about it, it's a man thing.

It doesn't mean that he thinks any less of you, it's just what men do.

Perhaps you should watch it together or suggest it and watch his reaction... I bet he'd be totally jealous of you looking at the blokes.

It really is not worth checking up on him or the worry.

[sherri68]

okay there are some selfish comments here... no one has to justify where porn fits into their life and certainly if someone does not like it that does not make them abnormal it's actually quite the opposite... chronic porn watchers have the issues... because porn is like any other addiction and can be life altering... come on men be honest.. there are some men who can't even reach orgasm because they've watched so much porn behidn their spouses girlfriends backs that the porn has now mentally taken the place normalcy... it's shallow to think all guys watch watch porn... I think all guys have seen porn and girls too but it doesn't mean all guys feel entitled to it... I don't think my man would really appreciate if he walked in and caught me up on the computer at 9inchLatinooos.com playing my banjo... no I don't think so.. I don't think he would say hey honey lol! Having a good time... he's look down and say hmmmm lol! I don't think it's a huge issue IF you watch together and have fun with it.. but if your man or woman is entertaining it and often behind your back... and you don't like it there's nothing wrong with you... leave, there are people who are not entertained in that way.. trust. This came up with my man I simply said hey f... cker... don't be watching that sh... t without me lol! BUt really come on you can't fault someone that doesn't feel comfortable... there are a lot of different variables that play part into a person's reasons for disliking it... incest, rape, exploitation... all kinds of stuff. Be fair and understanding.

[DSM521]

It is true, there is a big problem in our society with the porn.......Men are watching to much porn and not paying attention to their partner need. I know that very well!!

That is only a half truth if that. What about the women that ignore there mans needs and withhold sex from there partner. That is not a healthy relationship as well. If a woman is not fulfilling their mans need then I think it is a much better idea for that man to watch porn than to go out and find another woman just to satisfy his needs, especially if that man is married.

Lets face facts, men often need it more than women. If the woman is keeping it from her man, for whatever reason, what do you think the guy is going to do. A lot of guys will find some honey to get with. I am not excusing that action at all. That is wrong. But both people have needs.

So to make a statement like "men are watching to much porn and not paying attention to their partners needs" that is a short sited view. What is the mans needs the woman is not paying attention to?

[smoothy]

okay there are some selfish comments here....no one has to justify where porn fits into their life and certainly if someone does not like it that does not make them abnormal it's actually quite the opposite.....chronic porn watchers have the issues ...because porn is like any other addiction and can be life altering ...come on men be honest..there are some men who can't even reach orgasm because they've watched so much porn behidn their spouses girlfriends backs that the porn has now mentally taken the place normalcy...... it's shallow to think all guys watch watch porn...I think all guys have seen porn and girls too but it doesn't mean all guys feel entitled to it....I don't think my man would really appreciate if he walked in and caught me up on the computer at 9inchLatinooos.com playing my banjo.....no I don't think so..I don't think he would say hey honey lol!! Having a good time ...he's look down and say hmmmm lol!! I don't think its a huge issue IF you watch together and have fun with it..but if your man or woman is entertaining it and often behind your back ...and you don't liek it there's nothing wrong with you ...leave, there are people who are not entertained in that way..trust. This came up with my man I simply said hey f....cker....don't be watching that sh...t without me lol!! BUt really come on you can't fault someone that doesn't feel comfortable.....there are a lot of different variables that play part into a person's reasons for disliking it....incest, rape, exploitation.....all kinds of stuff. Be fair and understanding.

Completely disagree... would you say it's the woman's problem if HE took issue with her friends... her soap opera viewing habits... her romance novels, the fact she spends hours at the mall when she has closets full of cloths... etc?

Now I do like the idea if she will watch it with him... nothing wrong there... I think that's healthy, the problem arrises with people that think they have stop doing what they enjoy to comply with their demands just because they have insecurity issues which are their problem... not the guys fault.

Heck... he shouldn't force her to watch porn if she doesn't want to, and she has no business forcing him to watch her soap operas if he doesn't want to. Even as a married couple you don't HAVE to do every single thing together all the time.

[HKitty]

[QUOTE=DSM521;1543749]That is only a half truth if that. What about the women that ignore there mans needs and withhold sex from there partner. That is not a healthy relationship as well. If a woman is not fulfilling their mans need then I think it is a much better idea for that man to watch porn than to go out and find another woman just to satisfy his needs, especially if that man is married.

Lets face facts, men often need it more than women. If the woman is keeping it from her man, for whatever reason, what do you think the guy is going to do. A lot of guys will find some honey to get with. I am not excusing that action at all. That is wrong. But both people have needs.

So to make a statement like "men are watching to much porn and not paying attention to their partners needs" that is a short sited view. What is the mans needs the woman is not paying attention to?[/QUOTE

Well I guess I did not make myself clear. I have a high sex drive and my husband prefers watch porn by himself and get it over quick... "if you know what I mean"
We have been together for over 2 years and the sex has gone down hill and I know for a fact it is not me. He was alone for many years and got used to watching porn and doing his thing... Even from the first time we did it, he could not release I had to do the hand thing... all the time. He is so used to the hand! He can not release inside like a normal person I have to finish him with the hand!! It is very frustrating... Sorry I am just so sad :(

[DSM521]

[QUOTE=HKitty;1545422]

That is only a half truth if that. What about the women that ignore there mans needs and withhold sex from there partner. That is not a healthy relationship as well. If a woman is not fulfilling their mans need then I think it is a much better idea for that man to watch porn than to go out and find another woman just to satisfy his needs, especially if that man is married.

Lets face facts, men often need it more than women. If the woman is keeping it from her man, for whatever reason, what do you think the guy is going to do. A lot of guys will find some honey to get with. I am not excusing that action at all. That is wrong. but both people have needs.

So to make a statement like "men are watching to much porn and not paying attention to their partners needs" that is a short sited view. What is the mans needs the woman is not paying attention to?[/QUOTE

Well I guess I did not make my self clear. I have a high sex drive and my husband prefers watch porn by himself and get it over quick..........."if you know what I mean"
We have been together for over 2 years and the sex has gone down hill and I know for a fact it is not me. He was alone for many years and got used to watching porn and doing his thing.............Even from the first time we did it, he could not release I had to do the hand thing........ all the time. He is so used to the hand!! He can not release inside like a normal person I have to finish him with the hand!!!!!!! it is very frustrating........Sorry I am just so sad :(

So sorry to hear about your problem. That must be difficult to deal with. I was a young guy once myself and well watched porn to get myself through the hard times. I agree with you, I don't understand why he would want to get it over with quick by himself and not with you.

Give me the choice between porn and my own hand, or my wife... my wife will win every time. To me masturbating is something to do when you and your partner can't make love. I am a man, and I can't understand a man choosing masturbation over their warm and willing wife or girlfriend.

[smoothy]

I don't think his problem is from having done it by hand so long that's the only way he can do it. I didn't marry to nearly 30, and I didn't always have a girlfriend at arms length... so like all single guys a relied on Rosey. It got the job done... but was a very poor substitute for a woman.

Him wanting to get it over quick is another issue... most guys would rather do it for far longer than they are physically capable... not the other way around. I will assume in this case that its not the environment in the house so that basically would point towards a mental block. Having to finish by hand is not normal... thats the other red flag. He needs to get into counseling. Find and resolve whatever his issue might be. We can't guess as possible reasons are numerous.

[liz28]

Me and my fiancé watches porn together and I am the one that buys it. Sometimes we get a good laugh from it because sometimes the story line be so chessy you have to laugh. But we don't do this on a regular basis because we have a excellent sex life but sometimes when I am not in the mood porn comes in handy for his to watch and do his business.

But I think the main thing you've a problem with he him having cyper sex with someone you know than finding up about months later. I'd be upset too and feel cheating on. Nowadays with internet there are so many doors open and it's so easy to do things without leaving your home. If you can't forgive him and want to leave than leave never stay where your unhappy especially if tried communicating your thoughts and nothing have change.