Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend watching porn

Hi. I have been having a lot of problems with my boyfriend. He always tells me that he doesn't watch porn and then it always comes out that he does. It has been hard for me to trust him and sometimes I check his history on his computer and when he forget to delete something or messes up I always find some porn and then we get into a huge fight! This keeps happening and I don't know what to do. I've always thought that watching porn was sleazy -- should I stay with him? What does this mean? :confused: ALSO at the beginning of our relationship I found that he had cyber sex with someone that I know - he never told me and I found out about it months later! Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Forgot the porn all guys watch porn some more then others. But the cybersex in my opinion that's pretty much cheating. Because there is a certain type of interaction between two people.

Stop trying to be so controlling. Guys are visual... we like naked women. Keep it up and I guarantee you there will be problems in the relationship. Porn has ZERO to do with you, how you look or anything about you. Don't measure yourself up against porn stars. Its Apples to Oranges.

He doesn't (or shouldn't) be telling you what to watch, who to talk to or how long you can spend looking at clothes.

So...

Where is the line in the sand for you?

We can (and have before here on the AMHD boards) talked all about whether porn is bad, is a useful tool when used "right", or is his private "right"...

Please, lets not make this yet another thread rehashing of all of that noise.

He likes porn. You do not.

You decide where the line in the sand is for you. He decides what's acceptable for him. You've spoken to him about this, and he doesn't see eye to eye with you... he will gladly go behind your back to do what he wants. You can choose to stay or go. You don't get to choose to stay and continue to make noise about this.

Again... I'm not taking his side... I'm saying at some point it isn't about his failure to do what you've asked... its about your decision to stay with someone who acts predictably.

How are things in the bedroom with you? Is he attentive? Giving? Is his drive stronger than yours? etc...

I don't care if my partner self stimulates... as long as our relationship in the bedroom is mostly OK, then fine... if her vibe is seeing more time than me and I'm left wanting and pent up... it's a problem.

I don't care if she reads erotica. I don't even care if she's thinking occasionally about the tight arse on the guy she saw at the local deli today... if she's connected in the moment, all the rest is just what it takes to keep the wheels turning.

But that's me.

You get to choose what you will put up with and what you won't accept. Personally, when I've used visual stim to excite myself its NEVER, EVER been "hmmm... my current partner just isnt measuring up so ill look at this other girl"... its always just been a primal reflex to uncommon visual stim.

I remember in college a girlfriend found a playboy in my loft, opened it up to the centerfold and demanded "is THIS what you want??"... well, no. that skin mag was a temporary distraction. I wasn't after that airbrushed model. I was after a quick fix. But clearly, we've seen here on the boards that sometimes people can take things too far, becoming unattentive lovers who rely more on their hand for intimacy than the touch of their lover.

So... you get to choose what you want. Make your position as clear as you can, and then after that... if he keeps crossing lines you don't wish to see crossed, then its your turn to take the next step... whatever that is.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/addict...ed-280493.html

The OP has OTHER problems with her boyfriend.

I'd like to know how old the OP is, frankly. It sounds to me like a high school girl with her first boyfriend, and she's not ready to walk away because she LOVES him, without really knowing what love is.

You are sneaking around spying on your boyfriend!! What are you, the Gestapo? :)

From the tenor of your post, you sound very young and inexperiences in ways of the flesh... I think you are too young to have a boyfriend, or should I say sex partner?

Best wishes, don't try to grow up too fast! :)

Women that feel a need sneak around spying on their "boyfriends" or vice versa don't have a real relationship. Not a mature one anyway.

I don't think it hurts anyone unless your put last and your needs are not being met... this is where my issue was outlined before (still is) in a previous post but no one really has the answer you want to hear.

I guess you need to be comfortable with your own sexuality before you can really consider a serious relationship with someone. I have been with my man for 9 years and have 2 babies with him... he has his moments too... he hid them (porn). Well he still hides it but so be it so long as I am not neglected and happy... which I am not but its been months but my question for you is why cope if you aren't married and don't have kids with him?. MOVE ON... you deserve better and you owe it to yourself to have fun.

Talking about it shuts them (men) down the last thing they want to hear is what they did wrong and just for the record CYBER SEX is cheating and not acceptable. Either you talk to him or move on because I am sure you don't want to be the PI but can't help but obsess over it... this won't solve anything it will only upset you... its not worth it honestly :). Don't do what I did and get caught up in a serious relationship with an overbearing boyfriend that takes up all your girlfriend time... PLEASE have fun and be young!

So why is it your really mad at him? There is always a core issue and this is just one of them.

WOW.. I have been through the same problem. I never knew what to do and at first I told him honestly I don't mind if you watch porn but if it becomes a problem in the relationship then its going to have to stop. Well not long after that I found out that He watched sooooo much of it everyday. To the point that as soon as we got home that's the first thing he would do. So all we do is fight about it and it has never stopped to this day and this started like a year ago. Now I have tried different things. 1. Act like its no big deal! Well that didn't work it just got worst. 2. Try to get involved. Maybe watch it together and then try some of the things you see you might like. That kind of worked but it wasn't the best. 3. just learn you have to deal with it if you still want to be with him. I have even tried talking about it and letting him know how it made me feel. It never changed. Now I am still with my boyfriend and things are still the same I have "learned to deal with it." but it still bothers me I just don't tell him anymore to cause less fighting. You just got to think if he worth it then you will let him watch it and not keep causing fights about it or leave him because if you tell him how you feel and he doesn't change then how much are you really worth to him.. you got to decide.. good luck!

Try to impose your will on someone... be it unreasonible issues with Porn... booze... his friends and trust me it will destroy your relationship.

People who really love each other don't try to force them to do as they wish. That's immaturity speaking not love.

And its no different than him trying to control who you talk to, what you watch on TV... who your friends are.

Hopless65 and sing our_own so... it seems A LOT of women have this problem... me too. I agree that Step 1 does not do anything... they accumulate and spend more time doing it. Step 2 he likes to do it on his own and you can join in once in a while but it won't change anything and Step 3 ignoring it is not going to help your situation, he won't be aware and it won't change how you feel if anything it will make you feel worse. Its finding communication that works and that he listens and responds well to... maybe take a look inside yourself and try and find what your issue is and how you can help the situation and help yourself (finding inner happiness and providing solutions rather then attacks). Of course you can't change anyone or "impose your will" (your not asking him to stop but to be aware of how it makes you feel and why and what he can do to make things work so you are BOTH happy) don't worry about this destroying your relationship. Again... your not going to ask him to give it up but control it for his sake and the relationships sake. I say if it does destroy your relationship there was nothing worth fighting for in the first place. Another thing, you can change yourself and your approach... screaming matches take more energy then productive conversations (I know about the "cleaning" and "snooping" but only makes it worse for you so STOP). If talking isn't getting anywhere walk away. What I did is this, I told him "I will be ready when you want to talk about this but don't talk to me until you treat me like your partner, lover, friend and wife after all we are adults. l will wait until your ready to sit down and do that because I have nothing else to say". I found he would try to change the subject (avoidance) and give me guilt trips about why I shouldn't feel this way... feed me excuse after excuse then he would buy whatever I wanted and surprise me with them but I know the routine. We have danced this dance a million times... I guess these after-math behaviors are outlined the same as a cheating spouse and alcoholic (which I never even thought of). Regardless of how he wants to cover it up I am not listening to him and I ignore him completely... he became frustrated and knew he was running out of options and excuses... so we did eventually sit down. But they will get bitter about it if it is not handled with care on your end. Try talking to a drug addict and committing them to the hospital... very volatile if it is a serious problem on his end... these are huge indications it's a problem and destructive behaviour... my husband actually became physical abusive with me. I got so sick of the "situation" we would go out on the weekend and I would talk to other guys... he could masturbate every day and leave me dry so why can't I have a nice conversation with the opposite sex... maybe someone will show some interest in me (I was depressed and felt unattractive)? Well when we got home I knew that I was going to be in conflict with him so I would go straight to bed and he would drag me out by my hair just to fight. He is going through counseling really does help sometimes its nice to have someone to talk to on both ends... communication ended being our key issue. I have to say that things are different... well they where going well and then I got pregnant... it has now been 3 months since well you know and we are getting back into the same thing. Pregnancy is so short-term and we can always continue to work through it together, it gets really complicated once you get "attached" so be wise in your choice.

I understand you are not wanting to control your partner... I know that was never my intention and I am sure it wasn't yours. What this is all about is this.. this "hurts" her "feelings" and because she IS a classy lady brushing it off or ignoring it won't help HER. Finding a hobby isn't the answer for you just as it wasn't for me... (though it did relieve stress and clear my thoughts) I just don't get it! I grew up around guys, had guy friends and HELL was one of the guys... porn isn't the problem and its not alien to me either... its how long and frequently is it being used by your partner? Are you being put last? Are you sexually unsatisfied? Do you enjoy it once in a while yourself or with him? How comfortable with your own skin are you? What are your insecurities? What can you bring to the table? Is it worth it? But ultimately its not about the "men" its about you and needing someone to talk to... finding something that works for you. The key issue isn't trying to FORCE someone it is trying to find MUTUAL and MATURE grounds of respect for themselves and partners. After all love also means openness, sacrifice and forgiveness for each other. Love is not mutual but endless. Love is not one sided, has no boundaries and it knows no hate, remorse, vengeance, lies, games or disloyalty... love is unconditional.

After all this blah... have a talk with him, try counseling or leave. What else is going on? Are you sure he's not cheating on the internet again? Don't get burned and be realistic about your expectations.

I like kp2171's posts on all this stuff... great advice :)

I don't think it is control but everyone is entitled to their opinions and its about someone is being neglected and is feeling hurt! Evidently she is one day going to lash out (considering she is getting depressed and feels unattractive)... naturally if he is "polishing his knob" and she is "left dry" I don't blame her and think her feelings are valid.

Besides "every night" for "3 hours" seems excessive don't you think? You know I don't think porn is the problem in "all" cases but this one... it looks like it is a major component of their relationship issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

No I don't think it is control...its about someone is being neglected and is getting hurt! Evidently she is one day going to lash out (considering she is getting depressed and feels unattractive)...naturally if he is "polishing his knob" and she is "left dry". Besides "every night" for "3 hours" seems excessive don't you think? You know I don't think porn is the problem in "all" cases but this one...it looks like it is a reflection of the core issue.

Take a look at what the OP said... she has no right to be dictating what he does in her absence much less micromanage him in her presence. If it was him demanding she perfome sex acts she found distastefull that is no different than her demanding he do what she says. Each person is an adult... and each person is the master of their own domain. Neither has the right to force their will on others.

In other words if she doesn't want other people telling her what to do and how to act (and I'm real sure she would get bent out of shape if he tried) she should stop trying to do it to him (or others).

I wouldn't still be married after 17 years if my wife tried to do that with me... I would have shown her the door years ago. She has the right to fidelity, and be treated well... not to dictate what I do or don't do every minute of the day or night..

Watch it with him or make your own personal

Quote:

Originally Posted by starcrush

watch it with him or make your own personal

It is obvious from her question that she does not like porn, so why should she have to watch it? \
3 hours a day is excessive and addictive. I know, there are many on here who claim I am wrong, but from the volume of questions about porn it clearly is a major problem in our society and causing major problems in relationships. Don't know what else to call it but addiction. You have two choices, dump him and move on. Or confront him and insist he get help dealing with his addiction.

The other side of that is that it's obvious from her question that he DOES like porn---so why should he have to quit just because SHE doesn't like it?

It all comes down to compromise, and compromise doesn't mean that either side gets their way entirely.

If you can't compromise, then there's not point to the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

The other side of that is that it's obvious from her question that he DOES like porn---so why should he have to quit just because SHE doesn't like it?

It all comes down to compromise, and compromise doesn't mean that either side gets their way entirely.

If you can't compromise, then there's not point to the relationship.

However if you read the OP you will see that he is watching porn and then lying about it. Lying is one of the signs of addiction. So I stand by my original assessment, He is addicted and she does not like it. With a difference like that there is no compromise, she needs to leave before it is too late.

Lying is one of the signs that there are communications issues. It's also a sign of insanity, believe it or not.

I've always felt that the signs of addiction to a substance (like drugs or alcohol) or to an idea (like porn) could be likened to religious fervor.

Psychological signals:

Use of drugs or alcohol as a way to forget problems or to relax
Withdrawal or keeping secrets from family and friends
Loss of interest in activities that used to be important
Problems with schoolwork, such as slipping grades or absences
Changes in friendships, such as hanging out only with friends who use drugs
Spending a lot of time figuring out how to get drugs
Stealing or selling belongings to be able to afford drugs
Failed attempts to stop taking drugs or drinking
Anxiety, anger, or depression
Mood swings
Physical signals:

Changes in sleeping habits
Feeling shaky or sick when trying to stop
Needing to take more of the substance to get the same effect
Changes in eating habits, including weight loss or gain

Aside from the physical effects which generally only come with a substance---you could substitute GOD in there and have the same problems. I know people that can't leave God out of a conversation for 5 minutes. Does that mean they're addicted to God? Wouldn't that be an UNhealthy thing?

We honestly don't know how the OP is reacting to him regarding this. If every time he uses porn, she yells at him, nags, and makes him feel ashamed---well, wouldn't YOU lie rather than listen to the same old lecture a million times? ESPECIALLY if even if you TRIED to give your side of it, she just doesn't "hear" it?

Yes, porn can be addictive, and yes, it can hurt some relationships. However--self esteem problems and a "happy ever after only EVER thinking about me because I'm the ONLY woman you're ever going to see for the rest of your life" mentality by women is JUST as hurtful to relationships.

I really and truly think that Disney, with their perfect and young princesses marrying the first guy that comes along, needing him to rescue her, and the whole "they loved each other so everythign worked happily ever after" has as much or MORE of an impact on relationships than porn. Women think they need to be perfect in size and attitude, and that if a guy isn't interested for whatever reason in them--that it's THEIR fault, not the guy's fault.

The MAIN problem with all of it is that if the porn is THAT much of an issue in a relationship, and he won't talk about it---then just freakin' walk away, and don't get involved with a guy who masturbates ever again.