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JDLNYC · Feb 5, 2009, 09:04 AM

What hurts a lot is that we just spent the last three years living apart and I held on cause I knew we'd live together someday. Now... after only 7 months. He decides he's done. Couldn't do that before I left my apartment and moved in here. Couldn't do that last year when the economy was stronger and job hunting was easier. I don't know if I should hate him or forgive him.

talaniman · Feb 5, 2009, 10:00 AM

You will do both eventually. But not now, your focus is you! Stay focused, because if you don't love yourself, who will?

Sorry if I seem to repeat myself, but it's that important.

chuff · Feb 5, 2009, 10:10 AM

You have to forgive him, but never for him for you. Holding on to pain does nothing for you and is going to hurt him.

JDLNYC · Feb 5, 2009, 11:41 PM

So tonight my ex came home. He walked in the door and asked if I wanted to order dinner together. We did... we ate and watched three shows he's missed this week and laughed. He of course got up and said he's going the bedroom to read and quickly he was in bed asleep. I plan to sleep on the couch tonight but even though I know this is wrong.. it made the pain go away for one night. I know it'll come roaring back in a day or two... but just being able to do something normal felt good with him.

I didn't over communicate the entire evening and I didn't do anything for him... do you all think I should see this as perhaps a good sign or just same ole thing?

Dare81 · Feb 6, 2009, 12:04 AM

I don't get it why are the two of you spending so much time togather. Whenever he wants to hangoiut with you, you are always there, but when you feel like hanging out with him he is not there?

talaniman · Feb 6, 2009, 12:40 AM

Why take a chance on his feelings? Stick to your own plan. Your obviously room mates.

JDLNYC · Feb 6, 2009, 06:40 AM

I guess I see. I kind of knew the answer. I'm always here because I don't have work and very little money and the weather is like 12 degrees outside... so I've been here looking for work and trying to find small enjoyments in thing I like. I do agree that it's all about him and there are times I can completely feel his exerting control over me because I'm easily emotional. The couch thing didn't work cause I simply can't sleep on a couch but I went in well after he was asleep and always wake well before he's up. I guess its bad all around right now. Once the weather improves a little I plan to get out more on my own but for now.. I'm here. Just easy to see hope where there isn't any.

JDLNYC · Feb 6, 2009, 09:55 PM

I keep wanting to ask my ex if there's someone else. Just so I know and can fully understand this behavior. EVeryone I know says I should be careful since I'm still dependent on him when I don't have a job... but I just prefer honesty.

talaniman · Feb 6, 2009, 10:12 PM

The way he treats you is the only honest fact you need to know to make a decision with. His motives are irrelevant, for what you must do for yourself. Why let your plan hinge on him being honest? Don't open a can of worms, stay proactive. His reasons will come to light later.

Crista · Feb 6, 2009, 11:35 PM

Join a yoga class or something in that field for relaxation methods. It will help your mind settle things and relax the body. Plus, you'll meet woman who maybe going through the same as you. He is using you. He's got you on a puppet string when he sees fit to play with. Pick yourself off the floor and stop being the carpet for him to walk on.

Dare81 · Feb 7, 2009, 01:28 AM

Originally Posted by JDLNYC

I keep wanting to ask my ex if there's someone else. Just so I know and can fully understand this behavior. EVeryone I know says I should be careful since I'm still dependent on him when I don't have a job...but I just prefer honesty.

Does it make any difference if there is someone else? If he says there is how is that going to make you feel? Don't ask questions if you are not ready for the answer.

artlady · Feb 7, 2009, 05:38 AM

My Dear,how long are you going to allow this emotional roller coaster to continue? This just has to be emotionally exhausting!

Always waiting for him to throw you a bone?
Trying to read into his motivations.Wondering about this and that.

You need to find a friend who can take you in until you get on your feet and stop this dependent relationship that is clearly one sided.

Stop being his doormat.If this is the way someone treats you after 13 years of fidelity the only question you should be asking is why can't I let this go? Why do I cling to false hope that this will magically all turn itself around and we will live happily ever after.

The final question you should ask is how do I build a life without him.

You can do this. You must have faith in yourself and dig down and find the strength in you to be all that you can be.A strong independent woman who can make her own way in this world.

JDLNYC · Feb 7, 2009, 07:16 AM

I know... I did ask him when he came home if there was someone else. He obviously wasn't very happy with me asking but said "I told you before..no" so I will take that as the truth and let it be. Then the game started cause he said I wouldn't tell you if I slept with someone else anyway... or Would you really want to know if did meet someone else... he asked that right after telling me no. So it was just enough to leave my mind vague on his answer.

Each day I just get up and get through. Man... if I could get a job I could finally plan my move out of here. That will be my most liberating day... until then this is just going to have to do.

JDLNYC · Feb 7, 2009, 07:27 AM

I read the remaining posts. I know I need to get out. Unfortunately without a job or any money I'm stuck until I find work. I don't have friends so that leaves me fairly isolated. I am joining a support group and I've started seeing a good therapist to figure stuff out. I unfortunately don't have a life built around me. It was built around him and his life and his friends. I now see the perils of doing that but it doesn't help to realize that when its too late. I'm not someone who loves to go 20 hours a day doing stuff... so doing a ton of new things all by myself is very difficult at a time like that. I know going forward friendships need to take a front seat in my life before ever getting into a relationship. I also know its not easy making friends when you're at a needy point like I am... people can just tell you're needy.

I do the gym (started this week and went 5 times already). I just want to job hunt all the time because it's the one thing that will remove me from this illness but as I'm sure you all know... job hunting can be very solitary and very depressing (esp. right now).

talaniman · Feb 7, 2009, 07:49 AM

Has the support group given you any ideas about moving?

JDLNYC · Feb 7, 2009, 08:32 AM

I haven't started the support group yet. I've met with the therapist that runs the group and it'll start up in a couple weeks. There isn't any real options for moving until I secure some means to support myself. I am working hard everyday to make that happen. Since this was the first week I REALLY put hard work into looking I guess I shouldn't expect things to immediately start jumping. I keep telling myself it only takes one job... just one job and I can take the next step... find a small place to get out and start to recover on my own. Will continue to be painful on my own... but I think the healing will be more consistent than sitting here waiting for him to return.

There is no way I can come out of this and not be a completely changed person. I've learned you can NEVER completely rely on someone. Everyone has the possibility of changing... even those you think would never leave you or turn their back.

I know I am grateful to my ex for not turning me out. I do hate him right now but that won't last forever when I'm back on my feet. Now I just struggle with not comparing my life to his and feeling jealous of his friends, his money, his job... that's just a nasty path I keep trying to avoid.

zeeniee · Feb 7, 2009, 08:37 AM

Hey JDLNYC,
I think you have made a good start and so keep going.

Important thing is for you to find the opportunity/break to get out of that place- once you do that YOU WILL BE AND FEEL FREE!

As difficult as it is, I would focus on YOU, YOU, YOU, and yep you got it- YOU!

For now- forget the reasons/ hypotheses etc about why the relationship went wrong- if he has someone else etc

Instead CONCLUDE - THAT IT IS OVER. PERIOD-- and try v hard to switch off with all the thoughts in your mind or you will go INSANE.

artlady · Feb 7, 2009, 09:54 AM

I know jobs are hard to come by but I often see where someone wants to rent out a room and board in exchange for taking care of a family member .Maybe that is an option you could consider.Your getting a job and a place to stay in one shot.

JDLNYC · Feb 7, 2009, 05:21 PM

Tell me if I right about this... his not being here has more to do with him then it has to do with me? I mean... I've been wondering why I'm considered such a bad person almost overnite... can't even be here with me... then it dawned on me today that this is more about how he feels around me - so he stays away to avoid feeling bad.

I didn't put a lot of energy into that but I'm thinking that clears up a little for me. Nice day at the gym, walked to Barnes & Noble then walked home. He's not here as usual and probably won't be all evening but I got a nice nap (haven't slept for such a long time).

He's really going to miss out on a nice person. I know what I gave and if he rejects all that now... sad. His "Disassociative Disorder" type behavior is sad... I asked him today about his comic books he's collected weekly since he was a kid... and he said.. I'm getting tired of them all... this on top of everything he ever did for enjoyment... everything is stopped and is now over. Its like living with a stranger - - someone who I don't see any resemblance to the man I love.

JDLNYC · Feb 7, 2009, 10:33 PM

So tonight he told me there was someone else... at least someone else he went on dates with... we talked about some other things he says led up to it... so I think there are various components. I'm hurt but at least it makes more sense. It also helps me realize this is for real... someone else in the picture and I'm no longer expecting him to change his mind. Its weird.. I feel relieved but I wonder if that'll change to sadness over time... maybe not. Its weird... that instinct is there when you think there has to be more reasons... and he did say he's been feeling very guilty about it all - - which would explain his behavior towards me this past week.