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JDLNYC · Jan 31, 2009, 09:39 PM

Well my ex basically came in and said "going to bed"... I just said night and he's gone in the bedroom. I wanted to be more hurt because he didn't spend any time with me... but for now... I know I have to let him be. Spoke to a friend online who said that I have to give him time to remember me... it would work best if I could leave but this is the best I can do until I move out. Not give him any part of me beyond just a simple greeting and polite exchanges. He made promises to me during Christmas... wonderful home movies were made and nice presents were exchanged. Now in only a month... it all ends. Such a waste

Jlesnik33 · Jan 31, 2009, 09:40 PM

Of course its normal to hate him, By him ignoring you because he's acting like a big baby could just drive somebody crazy!! But don't show him that your hurt. GOOD FOR YOU do say hello! If you go for a snack offer it to him don't do the silent treatment. Show you're the mature one.

JDLNYC · Jan 31, 2009, 09:48 PM

Well I've found that he's disliking any attempts I make to talk... even if its nice talk. Of course when I see his rejection I get into emotional mode and start crying or asking him to talk more to me and he immediately shuts down and I look like the problem. I think I have to do the no contact the best I can living here with him. He's doing that to me. He comes and goes... tries to stay out all day and when he does return.. he simply goes to bed. How awful of him to treat me like this... I've been so kind to him for 13 years. While I've been unemployed I've done nothing but his laundry, cooked for him, did all the dishes... I did all the grocery shopping... and now... because I'm not the person he fell in love with (his words not mine)... he's going to ignore me... and act like I'm so awful and need to be ignored. Hurt and anger is what he's made me feel tonight. I knew he'd come in but honestly I thought he might sit with TV or at him computer... didn't think he'd literally say "hi"... then "going to bed"... but I'm proud I only said "nite" and didn't give him any reaction. I'm sure he thought I'd have one. Sad

zeeniee · Jan 31, 2009, 10:43 PM

HI JDLNYC,

Best to just think of YOU and only YOU right now, even thou it is very difficult.

Let him sulk, winge like a immature child if that is how he wants to be-- at the end that shows how weak and disrespectful he is being.

Don't let in to his sulky ways- and keep doing whatever you have to do and create they gap and space that you desperately need at this difficult time.

zeeniee · Jan 31, 2009, 10:49 PM

Oh Yes another one thing- don't do anything for him now- no cooking, no laundry nothing-- let it all pile up for him to do- I think you have done more than your fair share and frankly you dont owe him anything anymore!!

Instead of doing the above- go and get out of the house and do whatever makes you feel a bit better.

JDLNYC · Feb 1, 2009, 07:49 AM

That was going to be my question... the problem is that I'm currently unemployed so he's paying most of the bills, rent etc.. I feel that if I stop doing anything for him he will question then why he needs to pay for things to help me at this time. How awful that I have to wonder things like that about someone who confessed so much love for me for 13 years. I awoke this morning and asked him if we could talk so I can better understand the situation... he asked me to please let him sleep more... so while I sit out here alone... I think I'll tell him that I don't need to talk about it. I can't imagine he'd say anything that wouldn't cause me more intense pain for the rest of the day. I will apologize for waking him and get on with my job search. I know he'll leave for the entire day and evening and only return in time for bed.

How sad that just Martin Luther King day... like 2 weeks ago... he and I had such a wonderful day walking in the snow. Had wine and food at a wonderful little place we found. We played with out new iPhones. How does someone then two weeks later turn stone cold, walk out of your life and stop caring for you?

cocomoe49 · Feb 1, 2009, 08:03 AM

Hello I know how you feel I went to the same thing and it was 13 years also I was told the same thing also it wasn't me and it hurt very much then I was told that person was seening some one else and now after 4 years it is in the back of my mind why not just be honest so if you believe it was you it wasn't I am sorry

JDLNYC · Feb 1, 2009, 08:29 AM

I asked him if there was someone else and he said No... that would make it easier. The more I think about things the more I come up with questions. You know when something happens and all the pieces don't match up? This is how this feels. I would hope he is just changed and is leaving me over his own feelings. At this point I don't think it matters because any trust I had in him is completely shattered. I am working hard not to blame myself for this. Its so easy to think of the things you should have, or could have done. I just keep reminding myself of the things that I did do.

He was my rock. He was my safety for the last 13 years. I can honestly say I never thought he would leave. I only thought of us growing old together. I felt so much love (unconditional) from him. That is why this is so hard. My therapist said I first need to understand that this is a Major loss. Its easy to want to push past it and try to run from the pain. I can't even wrap my head around this and how it could happen. He has become a complete stranger to me in the course of three days.

How does that happen?

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 09:48 AM

STOP!! Enough self examination. Your immediate problem, is getting away from this situation, and standing on your own, away from him.

Handle your business, and cry later.

Dare81 · Feb 1, 2009, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by JDLNYC

I asked him if there was someone else and he said No...that would make it easier. The more I think about things the more I come up with questions. You know when something happens and all the pieces don't match up? This is how this feels. I would hope he is just changed and is leaving me over his own feelings. At this point I don't think it matters because any trust I had in him is completely shattered. I am working hard not to blame myself for this. Its so easy to think of the things you should have, or could have done. I just keep reminding myself of the things that I did do.

He was my rock. He was my safety for the last 13 years. I can honestly say I never thought he would leave. I only thought of us growing old together. I felt so much love (unconditional) from him. That is why this is so hard. My therapist said I first need to understand that this is a Major loss. Its easy to want to push past it and try to run from the pain. I can't even wrap my head around this and how it could happen. He has become a complete stranger to me in the course of three days.

How does that happen?

I don't think this really is the time to reflect on your relationship. Its just too soon. Try to deal with pain by keeping yourself busy and you will have enough time later on to figure out what went wrong

JDLNYC · Feb 1, 2009, 02:14 PM

I've made the mistake twice now of trying to talk with my ex about this... and both times it twirls into a conversation that upsets him and eventually leaves me feeling worse. No more of that. I can't. He's not the person he was with me before. That person has stepped into a new place and I'm just crying here in the old. I really wish I could move out. I know he does. Living here with him is so hard. He's going to stay away a lot... which is good but tears my heart out. I hate him here but I need him here. Does that make any sense?

sully123 · Feb 1, 2009, 02:32 PM

JDLNYC you don't need him there, it's just a constant reminder of how he hurt you. Please don't blame yourself on this one. Yes, 13 yrs as I said is a long time to be with someone. Sometimes you think you know this person and the real person comes out at the end. I was in a relationship about 7 yrs ago and was married, I thought I met the man of my dreams, got along great, well when I got married he wasn't the same person and we did divorce. I thought I would grow old with him. He did shatter my dreams and it was the hardest thing to ever go through. I always questioned myself did I do something wrong, or maybe I could have changed things. Well I knew it wasn't me. It's not going to change unless you make it change. Him being there is a constant reminder of him not loving you anymore. You need to go your separate way as hard as it is. He might have issues that your not aware of. It's OK to hurt, but try to keep your distance from him and even sleep on the sofa if you have to, just to get your life back on track. If I knew someone didn't love me, I wouldn't be even close to him, I would get away.. Good luck.

talaniman · Feb 1, 2009, 03:14 PM

I think I would be calling some friends or relatives. Someone to give you safe haven.

JDLNYC · Feb 1, 2009, 04:34 PM

Here's the awful part of where I led my life... I have no friends... not a one... and I'm an only child and my parents have died... so my support system has never existed beyond my ex. Now with no job it leaves me sitting her under his roof now... I'm not trying to give a pity me party but I am seeing why the way I've lived my life doesn't work. I see now why having someone in your life shouldn't be all your life is about. Of course I want to get a job and move out.. but this recession isn't making finding a job in finance (which I do) very easy. I have one ex boyfriend I talk to... he's sort of a friend and he's been there for me a little the last few days. I'm joining a group of people that I can talk to (small group of 5 people who also just went through a break up) so I'm hopeful that will help.

My ex just left saying he'd rather work in his office because he can't be here.. in my presence. I said do you want to watch any of the shows we watch... he said no... I shouldn't have built my life around TV like I did.. its not who I am -- like he's suddenly a completely different person than the one I knew for 13 years. Then he left saying he'd be going to a movie after work so he wouldnt' be returning.

I made him my world... I always thought he'd be there... and both things are now coming back to bite me. He's a very nice person so I can't hate him... he does care for me... and a break is never going to be less painful. My life is mine.. and the mess it is... is what I made of it. That's just a lot to deal with all at one time. Thanks for listening to my drama everyone... I hope a few years from now I can look back and remember these days from a better place.

JDLNYC · Feb 2, 2009, 10:42 AM

My ex is starting to talk to me more. Not overly friendly or any discussion of our relationship but last night and this morning he approached me and started talking. I work very hard not to spiral into serious talk and crying.. I am trying not to read more into this... its so easy to hope he's trying to be closer to me again cause now he misses me.

ImTotallyLost · Feb 2, 2009, 11:25 AM

Well. Act as if he is not trying to get back. You need to make your own life. So that if he never comes back, you won't have bee waiting for him. And if he does, than you will be much stronger than you were before and you will be taking him back only because you want it.

chuff · Feb 2, 2009, 11:31 AM

You know as I read what you are writing here as this sort of becomes your online journal, which is a tremendous idea by the way, but what I see that I am not sure if you do, is that you are a lot and I mean A LOT stronger then you give yourself credit for. You may be emotional but at the same time I see someone who is also very reasonable and is thinking. You are correct that you shouldn't read too much into what he says, in fact you shouldn't read anything into it. Keep coming back as you need to and keep staying positive.

JDLNYC · Feb 2, 2009, 10:47 PM

I will say... I had about two times I was very sad today. I made myself go to the gym after looking for jobs all morning... when I start getting sad about that I made myself head over to the gym and gave myself exactly 1/2 hour on the cardio machine. By the time it ended.. I was feeling pretty sad again so headed home and cried.

I had a meeting today with the leader of a support group I'm hoping to join. What a breath of fresh air. Its nice to talk to someone who understands everything I'm dealing with. I have a regular therapist but this was different. I took my time getting home hoping my ex would have time here alone. Of course by the time I got home he still wasn't here. That made me sad but I didn't need to cry. When he did get home he said hi... Asked me how my meeting went (I just said good) and he grabbed his blackberry and went to bed. This is probably the first time in years he didn't say good night. He even said good night the last few nights after our break up. To be 100% honest... I feel like this behavior is manipulating me and trying to create a certain emotion out of me.

This group leader I met said that often the person who breaks up with someone totally manipulates everything around them and you so it supports their view and their decision. My ex loved playing all types of PC games, he has shows on TV he loves (Heroes, Lost) and he is a avid Comic book collector. In the course of one week... he no longer wants anything to do with any of those things. Its almost like the things that brought him happiness with me... are now all out the window. He can't enjoy any of those things with me around ever again. Now that is very sad.

Before I left for my meeting I received a text message from my ex telling me to "Have a nice meeting"... a very nice gesture but obviously one that confused me a little and made me wish there was more behind it. I just said thanks back. I was expecting him to be nicer when he got home since he had made a nice effort... but he wasn't.

Its not easy to not talk to him. There are so many things I'd love to tell him. I do realize that if I continue to only greet him and basically avoid most information it will both protect me from knowing stuff and keep him more and more out of my life (well my new life).

What do you think that text message was sent for? I think it shows he still cares for me...

zeeniee · Feb 3, 2009, 06:23 AM

Hey JDLNYC,

I think your doing really great- amazing in fact-with going to the gym, looking for work, getting support from groups and keeping busy in such a positive way- Go Girl!

Best thing to do now- is keep going- don't stop as your in a good roll now.

Don't worry about what your Ex texts etc- and don't read into it- as this will only confuse you more and more and set you back.

The more you get up and start doing things for YOU- the more he will probably realise he is messing everything up. The important thing is to focus on YOU and YOU and YOU- let him be and create a good space between you as I am sure he has a lot to think about.
Good luck!

JDLNYC · Feb 3, 2009, 06:37 AM

That's the key. I've been told by the few friends I have that I need to leave him alone. I need to give him space. Of course I'm still in that phase of hoping that will bring him back but I remind myself about 1,000,000 times a day that he's not coming back. It appears very permanent at this point.

Even now.. I'm up early (can't sleep most nights) and I'm looking for work before he gets up to get ready for work. My first thought was when he comes out I'll ask him for a hug. I know he'd give me one. That's not good for me. Right now his hug would save me... but the pain 1/2 hour later when he leaves for work... would kill me again.

I keep propelling myself forward in this world. I don't like being alone. I don't want to face the world alone. I was never suppose to have to... he has been there with me for so long and really made me feel safe in the world. Just unbelievable for me that someone can turn so quickly... after so many years