[give2me1lemons]

Let's see. I used to cut myself, from age 12 until 16. I stopped, on my own, through sheer will-power. I had one slip up last summer, when I was 17 (I still am), but other than that, I've been good.

Then a couple years back, for two summers in a row, I messed with benadryl. It started because I developed seasonal allergies and couldn't cope with them. Then I started taking them to sleep. Then, just because. The most I ever took at one time was six. Not pleasant experiences, and I'm pretty sure it would explain the shadowy figures on my ceiling (hallucinations) or the sensation of my brain rolling in my head when I was lying perfectly still, the way my heart seemed to skip a beat, the general ache of my entire body and inability to sleep..

But I overcame that too. I won't even take meds for allergies now.

However, I have for a long time, and still do, said to myself on many occasions "I wish I was dead" or "I want to die". Sometimes, in the car with a friend or family member, I fantasize that we are in a car accident. They maybe suffer a bruise or a scratch-I die, or am seriously wounded.

I've never broken a bone. I'm a virgin. I've seriously considered just jumping from the tree in my yard, just so I can have a broken bone. I've also considered just losing my virginity to lose it. I'm drawn to older guys.

I enjoy taking risks and putting myself in dangerous situations. Sometimes when I'm upset, I just want to revert to taking a deliberate od of tylenol or something. Not to kill myself, just to be reckless.

I really think I hate myself. The way I look, my personality, the way I do this stupid stuff, the fact that I want to, even though my life isn't all that bad. What's my problem? I don't have a horrible illness, my parents aren't abusive, we aren't rich, but we are getting by. What right do I have to be so messed up?

There have been three people in my life that toyed with the idea of me being bi-polar and meant it. I don't think I am. I think it's just some sick thing where I want someone to care, to accept me, to love me. I have family and friends, but it's just not enough, and I tend to push them away..


I've noticed I'm worse at night. I lose the ability to keep this inside of me.


I don't think I even care if anyone says anything, or what they say. I just needed to say it.

Guess this isn't much of a question..

[artlady]

I can tell you one thing about yourself that perhaps you don't know.
You have wonderful writing skills and great expression.

Pursue that and I think you will find it very therapeutic. I know it has always helped me.

Maybe just writing out these thoughts will help you cope. You have will power and intelligence so use those assets to the best of your ability and be all that you can.

[give2me1lemons]

I can tell you one thing about yourself that perhaps you don't know.
You have wonderful writing skills and great expression.

Pursue that and I think you will find it very therapeutic. I know it has always helped me.

Maybe just writing out these thoughts will help you cope. You have will power and intelligence so use those assets to the best of your ability and be all that you can.

I really apreciate what you said. I would normally have a hard time accepting your compliment, but as you have no obligation to me nor any stake in my well being, I will have to accept it.

And I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, because I "slipped up" again a couple nights ago. Which just makes me angry with myself because I thought I was done. It's one thing to slip up after a year, because of a death (pet), but to have this happen again only months later and because of something someone said... and it didn't even hurt me.

Right now I'm just at a loss for what to do. Due to recent events, it just seems like I have no future anymore. I don't think I'm suicidal... maybe the other night, when this happened and I was inconsolable (hence the "slip up", which did knock me down a bit)-so long as I don't think too hard about it. I've been doing everything in my power to keep my mind distracted since, but things look pretty hopeless.

I even offered my virginity to my friend, who I'm not remotely attracted to, because I knew he probably would and I wanted to sabatoge myself. I felt like the most horrible excuse for a human being. I was right, he would have, but he wanted a relationship and I just wanted a one night, never speak of this again incident. Luckily this was a couple days later that he gave me his response, and I was calmed down and realized I didn't really want it to be that way. If he had actually been there that night...

Is there something wrong with me? Judging by what I've said? I just get these extreme emotions sometimes, and it feels like the end of the world, like I won't survive the night. The best way I can describe it is like being drunk... I usually wake up the next morning and realize I was being irrational and regret it, seriously. Then all these reckless things I want to do when I'm upset, and how sometimes I catch myself saying in my head "I want to die" when I'm upset-like's it's so nonchalant, like a reflex.

I feel kind of bad, because I'm pretty much just venting my problems to strangers, and I don't really see how any of you could help me, even if you wanted to. I feel like I shouldn't be saying anymore until I can at least help someone else on here, but honestly, I don't feel qualified to help anyone with anything serious-I don't want to mess up their life giving them the wrong advice.

[simoneaugie]

You helped me just by telling about what you experience.

Is the agitation, wanting to hurt yourself or whatever connected to less light in the winter? Have you told your doctor or talked to a psychiatrist who could evaluate whether bi-polar is a factor.

Moods move, like yours do when you're experiencing angst. There are things that help. Exercise and orgasms were positive for me when I was your age.

[give2me1lemons]

I'm very opposed to the idea of talking to a psychiatrist, and I don't want my parents to know I used to, and I guess still occasionally do, cut. It would hurt them, they'd feel responsible. I've always seen psychiatrists as "shrinks" and therefore bad, like talking to them means I'm crazy-I've had it suggested to me before. Then to go to one would go back to the fact that I don't want my parents to know.

It's definitely more at night. As for more during the winter, I never thought of that before. I hate the winter and the cold and being confined indoors, but I'm not sure I can definitively say it's worse in the winter.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Right now I'm okay because nothing has happened to upset me, other than that incident a few nights ago, and as I said, I'm not letting myself think too deeply about it. I feel a little insincere talking about all this when I am okay, but the fact remains that there are often times I'm not.


Exercise is something I would really love to do and have considered. Until now it wasn't really an option, but I may have an opportunity next semester.


Gah, I don't know what my problem is. Maybe it is just some age thing and I will grow out of it and be okay.

[Nestorian]

I didn't read everything but I think you need to here this now.

It is possible you have bipolar, Episodes of depression- feeling like life is over, empty, void type stuff, with a total disregaurd for anything. The other part to bipolar is Mania. Mania is extreem highs of euphoria, lots of energy/ power/ confidence/ and happy, pretty self centered in that you could be walking down a road an randomly assume you are meant to go one some scavenger hunt in peoples homes or stores thinking it's for you to do. Grandiosity, which is thinking you can do more than you really can, but like a lot. So thinking you can fly, or move mountains, and such. There are different variations, and depending on what medications you are on, you could be bipolar, but your meds cover some symptoms up, or they react poorly with you and you get random symptoms caused by the meds.

I'm trying to figure out if you maybe just Manic, but I need to read more.

If you find you are cutting, I'm bipolar by the way and I've cut too, try to remember that your getting a shot of endorphines from your body to act as a natural pain killer, like morphine. So the more you cut the more addicted you become and feel the need to. Also, it gives you attention, and that even if it's bad maybe something you subconciously desire.

I have a few books on this kind of thing and I'll try to find what may fit for you, but you are best to talk to a Psychologist, or Psychiatrist.

K I'll read more now.

[Nestorian]

I really apreciate what you said. I would normally have a hard time accepting your compliment, but as you have no obligation to me nor any stake in my well being, I will have to accept it.

And I guess I'm not as strong as I thought, because I "slipped up" again a couple nights ago. Which just makes me angry with myself because I thought I was done. It's one thing to slip up after a year, because of a death (pet), but to have this happen again only months later and because of something someone said...and it didn't even hurt me.

Right now I'm just at a loss for what to do. Due to recent events, it just seems like I have no future anymore. I don't think I'm suicidal...maybe the other night, when this happened and I was inconsolable (hence the "slip up", which did knock me down a bit)-so long as I don't think too hard about it. I've been doing everything in my power to keep my mind distracted since, but things look pretty hopeless.

I even offered my virginity to my friend, who I'm not remotely attracted to, because I knew he probably would and I wanted to sabatoge myself. I felt like the most horrible excuse for a human being. I was right, he would have, but he wanted a relationship and I just wanted a one night, never speak of this again incident. Luckily this was a couple days later that he gave me his response, and I was calmed down and realized I didn't really want it to be that way. If he had actually been there that night...

Is there something wrong with me? Judging by what I've said? I just get these extreme emotions sometimes, and it feels liek the end of the world, like I won't survive the night. The best way I can describe it is like being drunk...I usually wake up the next morning and realize I was being irrational and regret it, seriously. Then all these reckless things I want to do when I'm upset, and how sometimes I catch myself saying in my head "I want to die" when I'm upset-like's it's so nonchalant, like a reflex.

I feel kind of bad, because I'm pretty much just venting my problems to strangers, and I don't really see how any of you could help me, even if you wanted to. I feel like I shouldn't be saying anymore until i can at least help someone else on here, but honestly, I don't feel qualified to help anyone with anything serious-I don't want to mess up their life giving them the wrong advice.

We all walk our own paths true, so we can not help you nor you us, but we can all share ideas, and learn from one another how to best cope with any give situation. This site isn't just for helping, there is funny stuff, and general talk and what have you, so try not to feel obligated.

Focus on you, You get suicidal thoughts, though you don't want to, that sounds like depression but you sound apethetic- when you don't care what happens either way, good or bad. But if you are depressed, and feel apethy, like I was, you will think those painful suicidal thoughts and be compleately "Meh"-as the simpson might say it, about it. Dark thoughts because you feel down, but also don't care because you feel apathetic.

I don't recognise your type of situation though. I'm sure it's some kind of, sorry to say mental illness. But that's not to say you can't live a full happy life.

K I'll read more.

[Nestorian]

I'm very opposed to the idea of talking to a psychiatrist, and I don't want my parents to know I used to, and I guess still occasionally do, cut. It would hurt them, they'd feel responsible. I've always seen psychiatrists as "shrinks" and therefore bad, like talking to them means I'm crazy-I've had it suggested to me before. Then to go to one would go back to the fact that I don't want my parents to know.

It's definitely more at night. As for more during the winter, I never thought of that before. I hate the winter and the cold and being confined indoors, but I'm not sure I can definitively say it's worse in the winter.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Right now I'm okay because nothing has happened to upset me, other than that incident a few nights ago, and as I said, I'm not letting myself think too deeply about it. I feel a little insincere talking about all this when I am okay, but the fact remains that there are often times I'm not.


Exercise is something I would really love to do and have considered. Until now it wasn't really an option, but I may have an opportunity next semester.


Gah, I don't know what my problem is. Maybe it is just some age thing and I will grow out of it and be okay.

Humm, don't want your parents to know, I can understand that, but if it would hurt them to find out, then how would they feel if you hurt yourself in a much worse way? DOn't let your ideas of what a "shrink", Psychiatrist does. They are there to give you advice, information, and a rough Idea of what is going on in your head. Psychiatrists are able to tell you what kinds of drugs may be of use to you, and help you figure yourself out. I didn't trust them for a long time 10years, then I just gave up and siad I'm tired of hating myself, being suicidal, sad, and generally missing my life. Now 8 months later I'm getting better, not perfect, but better. The choice is yours though, so be careful.

If you are sensitive you light, and get down more during the winter, there is a fair possibility you have seasonal depression.

Try not to look at mental illness as a horrible terrifying thing, only makes it harder to over come. (should you have one) It is possible to cope with mental illnesses, and the sooner you deal with it and come clean, the sooner you can work towards managing it. I hope I don't sound rude, or like I know what you are going through, because I don't.

K, I'm looking through a book called Merck Manual of medical inforamtion, I'm looking at personality disorders, I have found a couple that have similar traits as you are displaying, but none that I'd say are close.

If you could tell me more, like... Sorry, feel free to tell me to stop asking when you don't want me to ask.

Any who, can you tell me about your sleep in a typical day, how much when, what is it like (restless, out cold), diet, and other behaviours.

Again, I appologise for the intrusion on your personal space.

[Nestorian]

A long shot, but borderline personality disorder may fit what you are describing. People with it often women, have problems with "self-image, moods, behaviour, and interpersonal relathioships. (which are often stormy and intense.)... becomes evident in early adulthood, but prevalence diminishes with age... have often been deprived of adequate care during childhood." (not always, just the majority.) "...feel empty, angery, and deserving of nurturing." - Merck manual of medical information.

"When people with a borderline personality feel cared for, they appear lonely and waiflike, often needing help for depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, and past mistreatment. However, when they fear abandonment by a caring person, theirmood shifts dramatically. They frequently show inappropriate and intense anger, accompanied by extream changes in thier view of the world, themselves, and othersshifting from black to white, hated to loved, and vice versa, but never to neutral. People with a borderline personality or who feel abandoned and alone may wonder weather they actually exist (that is, they don't feel real). They can become desperately impulsive, engaging in reckless promiscuity or substance abouse. At times the're so out of touch with reality that they have brief episodes of psychotic thinking, paranoia, and hallucinations." - Merck manual...

It also says that people with borderline personality will not agree with their doctor, and often not accept responsibility for their behaviour, and if the doctor tries to explian or convince them, they will rebel or mistrust the doctor. This is usually due to their feelings of distress, deserving or needy.

There is a part that says also that they are less likely to follow doctors advice.

"People with personality disorders are more vulnerable to psychiatric breakdown as a result of stress; the type of psychiatric disorder (for example anxiety, dpression, or psychosis.) depends in part on the type of personality disorder." - Merck Manual... (not a direct quote.)

I'm not saying you are, but its what I could find. Also, it's for you to decide if you think it seems likely or not. Who knows you better than you right?

Peace and kindness to you.

[give2me1lemons]

Thanks for all the help. You aren't invading my personal space. That's what I like about this site-it's anonymous and I don't have to answer anything.

Though it's been suggested to me before, I don't think I'm bi-polar. My friend's mom is and it just doesn't sound like me.

Even if I'm considering suicide, I don't think I'm necessary suicidal, if that makes sense. I can rationalize that it's a bad idea, just sometimes I get really upset and wonder if it's worth it.

I can be really happy and hyper. There are some times, after a particularly good experience, that I feel like I can do anything with my life, if I work hard enough, but nothing like, I'm super human or something. I get the idea to start exercising and get a job and go to school all the time and generally just to fix my life, but it never really last. Right now, I'm neither upset nor elated, I'm "normal", I guess.

I don't know about attention seeking. Six people know I used to cut, to varying degrees of truth and detail. I'm the only one with the full story and I told them gradually after the worst of it, when I thought I was over it. Less know about the benadryl. I think I've actually been better in recent years. I lost friends when this first started because I didn't want to hang out much and people don't want to be around people who aren't happy. I've been a bit better as far as that.

When I was little, before I can remember as I only found out from my sister recently, I used to scream and cry for no reason like someone was torturing me. I threatened to run away a lot, but never made it past the backyard. After one nasty fight with my mom I screamed "She's going to kill us all"-that was the first time I cut myself. My parents were never abusive and I know they love me. Most of this started after my dad became sick and money became tight. Nothing's really been the same sense. I was nine then, I think.

I can start rational (at least, I think I am) with an argument or discussion, but if I'm ignored, I grow increasingly upset and then eventually I'm a mess and not so rational.

I know I exist, the only hallucinations I had were when I was messing with benadryl.

As for doctors, we have never really got along. I don't know what it is, even new doctors. The ones at my school are scared of me-my mom used to make me go for strep throat and I would be angry and feel like it was a waste of time. It's not like I threatened them, I just made it clear I didn't think I should be there. In my memory, they were only right about me being sick once. She made me go though because I stayed home, and still do, a lot. I still do well in school, I'm just sick of the place and the people. They seem fake to me, even the teachers-there are very few people at that school I like or can stand, but I digress. Then one doctor who was supposed to draw blood and see if I was anemic (I'd passed out a couple times and when it is really cold, I feel like I can't function at all). Instead she decided to do everything but and ended with accusing me of taking drugs, being bulimic, someone hurting me, and having sex-all of which she informed my mom about. I was so furious, I could have hit her, but instead stormed out.

When I'm stressed, sometimes I talk in my sleep. I'm also much more likely to question people in my life if I'm annoying them, if their sick of me. I feel annoying when I'm trying to be confident and happy sometimes.

Sleep... I was up until 4ish last night and was woken up at 9:30am (it's 10:30 now). Usually it's about 8 hours though, I think. Lately, this school year, I've been not sleeping the greatest-waking up a lot, tossing and turning, but I think that's just stress. For a while I could pass out and sleep soundly. Then back to my benadryl years, it wasn't great, but mainly because I was afraid of the "shadow people". I had to sleep with my TV light for the longest time and keep checking my ceiling. Admittedly, I do check soemtimes still, but not as much, only because I'm not positive if it was a hallucination, but it fits.

I know I'm happier in the summer and when I'm away from this place, but I've just attributed that to not having the stress from school and dealing with disagreeable people.

I'd like to believe that I'll be fine once I graduate and leave this place and all my bad memories, go to college far away and start fresh. It's just that as of that event recently, it doesn't seem like I will be able to, at least not this year. I don't think I can stand to stay here much longer. So maybe it's just stress and environment and an age thing.

[give2me1lemons]

Oh, and I'm not against psychiatry in general. I know it has helped people, and I think that you should seek help, if you need it. I'm just opposed to me doing it. Maybe when I'm 18 and don't have to worry about my parents becoming involved. I also don't want to believe it's such a difficult fix, that I do have a disorder. It's hard to believe when I'm okay like I am now, that it's anything.

[Nestorian]

Thanks for all the help. You aren't invading my personal space. That's what I like about this site-it's anonymous and I don't have to answer anything.

Though it's been suggested to me before, I don't think I'm bi-polar. My friend's mom is and it just doesn't sound like me.

Even if I'm considering suicide, I don't think I'm necessary suicidal, if that makes sense. I can rationalize that it's a bad idea, just sometimes I get really upset and wonder if it's worth it.

I can be really happy and hyper. There are some times, after a particularly good experience, that I feel like I can do anything with my life, if I work hard enough, but nothing like, I'm super human or something. I get the idea to start exercising and get a job and go to school all the time and generally just to fix my life, but it never really last. Right now, I'm neither upset nor elated, I'm "normal", I guess.

I don't know about attention seeking. Six people know I used to cut, to varying degrees of truth and detail. I'm the only one with the full story and I told them gradually after the worst of it, when I thought I was over it. Less know about the benadryl. I think I've actually been better in recent years. I lost friends when this first started because I didn't want to hang out much and people don't want to be around people who aren't happy. I've been a bit better as far as that.

When I was little, before I can remember as I only found out from my sister recently, I used to scream and cry for no reason like someone was torturing me. I threatened to run away a lot, but never made it past the backyard. After one nasty fight with my mom I screamed "She's going to kill us all"-that was the first time I cut myself. My parents were never abusive and I know they love me. Most of this started after my dad became sick and money became tight. Nothing's really been the same sense. I was nine then, I think.

I can start out rational (at least, I think I am) with an argument or discussion, but if I'm ignored, I grow increasingly upset and then eventually I'm a mess and not so rational.

I know I exist, the only hallucinations I had were when I was messing with benadryl.

As for doctors, we have never really got along. I don't know what it is, even new doctors. The ones at my school are scared of me-my mom used to make me go for strep throat and I would be angry and feel like it was a waste of time. It's not like I threatened them, I just made it clear I didn't think I should be there. In my memory, they were only right about me being sick once. She made me go though because I stayed home, and still do, a lot. I still do well in school, I'm just sick of the place and the people. They seem fake to me, even the teachers-there are very few people at that school I like or can stand, but I digress. Then one doctor who was supposed to draw blood and see if I was anemic (I'd passed out a couple times and when it is really cold, I feel like I can't function at all). Instead she decided to do everything but and ended with accusing me of taking drugs, being bulimic, someone hurting me, and having sex-all of which she informed my mom about. I was so furious, I could have hit her, but instead stormed out.

When I'm stressed, sometimes I talk in my sleep. I'm also much more likely to question people in my life if I'm annoying them, if their sick of me. I feel annoying when I'm trying to be confident and happy sometimes.

Sleep...I was up until 4ish last night and was woken up at 9:30am (it's 10:30 now). Usually it's about 8 hours though, I think. Lately, this school year, I've been not sleeping the greatest-waking up alot, tossing and turning, but I think that's just stress. For a while I could pass out and sleep soundly. Then back to my benadryl years, it wasn't great, but mainly because I was afraid of the "shadow people". I had to sleep with my tv light for the longest time and keep checking my ceiling. Admittedly, I do check soemtimes still, but not as much, only because I'm not positive if it was a hallucination, but it fits.

I know I'm happier in the summer and when I'm away from this place, but I've just attributed that to not having the stress from school and dealing with disagreeable people.

I'd like to believe that I'll be fine once I graduate and leave this place and all my bad memories, go to college far away and start fresh. It's just that as of that event recently, it doesn't seem like I will be able to, at least not this year. I don't think I can stand to stay here much longer. So maybe it's just stress and enviroment and an age thing.

I understand, I never used to trust my Doctors either, they gave me meds that made me all zombie like, and brain dead, then they put me in the hospital in a small as room and told me to stay there till I would take meds and "funtion" normally. I realised now that doctors are human too, and they don't really know that much, but they know more then me. IT's important to not generalize about things like that, if you do, you are ignoring the facts. I do it still, but I force myself to understand, the processes are often by trial and error. If you have more than one illness then they have to try and find out what your symptoms are saying, not easy. I know they can suck, be inconsiderate, but so can every body else. The best way to cope with that, is to do reading on what you may have, look at the possibilities and go with the most likely, and then go ask them if you're right. IF they won't listen to you then tell them you don't want their help, because you are the only one who knows exactly what you feel. If they are wrong about something, don't assume it's because they don't know anything, go back and tell them you still feel blah, and what they suggested doesn't fit. I have long since realised that if we the patient do not play an active role in our healing, then we are not really healing.

As for your talking in your sleep... What kinds of things do you say? Not that you're situation is the same, but I had a girl "friend" who would talk in her sleep, she got so bad that when I was spending the night at her place, she started thrashing and trying to fight some invisible attacker. I read you should not wake people from that, it could cause problems. I asked her about it and she siad, "yeah, I just get stressed and I guess i'm trying to fight it off." The next night I stayed with her again. This time I pulled her close, she hit me a few good hits, but I tucked her arms in between our chests, and hugged her tight as I could so she wouldn't hit me or her self. Then in a soothing, loving, caring, unworried, relaxed, understanding, and gental manner, I asked her what she saw, what she heard, what she was expierencing. Well, she started at a fire pit, with a bunch of people drinking, she wasn't that night she was spose to be the DD, then her Bf of the time came to her and they got into a fight. They headed to the truck and he siad get in, she siad no, then he hit her with something. (I know what it is but I will keep that to myself if it's all the same to you. Thanks) Then she was blacked out, then she came to in a hazy kindof dazzed manner, then she was lifted put in the truck and beltted in. Then they were driving away from the party, she kept saying she wanted to go back, but he siad no. Then she tried to get out, and as she opend the door and kindof rolled out, he stopped. They were aways from the fire because she couldn't see any fire light, nor hear any one. As she got up to run, he grabbed her, tied her hands in the seat belt, and raped her.

She had told me the story before, but she always stopped at the part of being unconsious, claiming to not remember the rest of the night. When she was finnished, I told her I loved her, and I would not let any one hurt her, she was safe with me. She stopped fighting me, gripped my shirt, and I rolled off her chest to my side and she buried herself in my arms and there she slept the rest of the night. THe next moring I woke up, and she was so peaceful, then she woke and looked at me and said hey. I smiled in spite of myself, I played it calm cool and relaxed for the first half hour, then I asked her about it. And she siad how did you know I was raped? I said, "Because you told me so." She looked shocked, I've never told any one about that, when did I tell you, I don't remember doing that. And I told her about the nights events, and how I asked her questions until she told me. Then I held her for a time.

The point of that is, your talking in your sleep may have answers, then again maybe not. Some times the brian hides things from us, and we forget about it, but it manifests itself in other ways. I don't know, and the only person who can find out is you. I'm sure you were not harmed in any ways, but you ask a lot of questions about what is wrong with you is there something wrong, and so on. That suggests you are searching for answer, but I wonder if like me you will try to go with out medical help, meds for 10 years before facing it. That is "IF" you have anything.

You may not be suicidal, but if you are continuously thinking of death/dying, sooner or later you will try to kill yourself. Look at it this way, if some one thinks I can't do it, where is there motivation to try? Well same with life, if you think I wonder what death is like, shold I take this bottle of pills, do I deserve to live, etc... why would you want to live if you are in pain or don't feel alive? It is very dangerous to ignore such things. I'm not trying to be rude, or inconsiderate. I want you to know that the things you are talking about are very dangerous, and need to be addressed. Yes, I suppose it is possible that you grow out of it, but I think it's one of those things you need to talk to some one about, some one who has studied about it. But who knows, maybe you can take it on yourself, it is your choice.

Try to look at yuorself as consisting of your body, emotions, and mind. If any one of those is not in check then the other two can be relied upon to fix it, but if two go, then you are in some big trouble. From what you have told us here it seems that you are dealing with the mind mostly, emotions, and last but not least the body. They are all being tossed about and need to be grounded.

The "shadow people" sounds like a Paranoid schizophrenia type thing. Be careful with that. If you start finding yourself doing things over and over and you try to stop or not do it you become highly distressed or worried. You may find that you will have OCD. IF you are mentally ill and you do not face it now, it can manifest into much more difficult problems. Once again, I do not know, and the only person that can help you is you, question is how?

As for bipolar, you won't always be 100% depressed or 100% manic. There are normal periods, and some people have milder symptoms. So say 70% depressed normal time (or not) then 70% manic. Mine goes all over the place, and is hard to control. Usually I was 100% depressed though.

Well, I'm not sure, I'll read some more and see if I can't dig anything up. Take care of yourself, and thanks.

[give2me1lemons]

Well, I try a lot to self diagnose on the internet. After being bi-polar was suggested to me, I looked at the symptoms and took some online tests and it sort of fit and I scored high enough to be considered. However, I wonder if all myself diagnosing has led me toward any one answer. That's why I'm looking for an outsider's opinion.

I think I wonder what's wrong with me because growing up, there were often times my mom suggested "talking to someone". I always took it the wrong way. That's what provoked the fight that led to me cutting myself the first time. I just wondered what I was doing wrong, what made me crazy-I never saw anything. I never understood why she said it. Now I do some things that may not be right or perfectly sane, but back then, I never remembered doing anything wrong. It bothered me so much.

The shadow people I thought were ghosts at the time. They happened after taking more than the recommended dose of benadryl. There was a little girl in braided pig tails, a lady in a dress, and a man in a hat. They all happened at about 3am. I'd wake up, and there one would be. When I turned on the lights or made my mom come see, they disappeared. There wasn't anything in my room that could have made shadows that perfect. They weren't elongated and they started in the middle of my ceiling, perfect silhouettes. I really think it was just the drugs, as I haven't seen anything since then. There was another time, during all this, where I felt like I was being choked. I was on the top of a bunk bed, and I felt like something or someone was gripping my throat and pulling me toward the ceiling. I tried to make a sound. I was finally able to make a little noise, and the pressure stopped, and it was over. I was really freaked out and ran out to the living room (that's where my mom usually was), only to find the screen door closed, but not locked and the heavy door not closed. However, that was probably a coincidence.

I don't often have people in my room to hear me talking in my sleep. There are three known incidents. Once when I was little, I said "drop the gun... no, not that gun", haha. Probably just too much law and order, my mom heard me as she walked by. Then a few months ago when I went to visit the college I wnat to attend, I stayed in my sister's room. I was really stressed out, I didn't even say goodnight, just "I'm done" (with the book I was reading) and passed out. All I said was "I'm f****** hot". Then, a couple weeks later my mom walked by my room in the middle of the night and heard me talking, but she couldn't make out what I was saying. I don't think these situations really reveal much.

I'm trying to be more civil to my doctors, even if they aren't to me. I think it's that I'm overstepping my boundaries because I already think I know what's up, so it's like, I'm wasting their time. Plus I used to be a vegetarian, so they were convinced it was an eating disorder.

A few nights ago I realized that me going to college would put a lot of financial strain on my parents, though they maintain it will work out. I was so looking forward to leaving and starting new, but then it seemed like I'd never be able to afford the future I want, even with getting a job (I'm searching now). I don't really qualify for scholarships as I never participated in extra curriculars in high school, and though my grades are high 80's/low 90's, that isn't good enough. My sister made out that I was being selfish and didn't know what others sacrificed for me and that I wasn't doing anything to help myself.. she doesn't know how emotionally unstable I can be or that I cut. I tried to tell her I didn't want to discuss this, but she wouldn't drop it and I just felt really low. That's when I considered an out. If I could never have what I wanted in life, If I'd just go deep into debt and drag my parents down with me, what was the point? Plus, if I die, my parents collect ten thousand dollars, and I looked it up-after the first two years of obtaining a life insurance policy, suicide is treated just like any other death. So I was thinking, they'd have my sister and money and with time, they would be okay. I knew it would hurt them, but it also seemed like it may help in the long run. I was talking to my friend, but at seventeen, she didn't really have much life experience to say anything that could help. So finally I cut and propositioned my other friend, because by sabatoging myself, and not revealing to him what a mess I was at the time, I felt better. At the same time, I quit my guild. I also considered graduating early and working full time or working two jobs, taking a year off, moving out, maybe going to college at night or online-anything to not be selfish or lazy or a burden. The next day, I was just angry with myself for nearly ruining my life.

I don't really like my body, I have low self esteem. If I start to feel like I could be pretty or confident, I see someone who actually is and realize I'm not. I'm not overweight or underweight. I go back and forth between wanting a figure and wanting to be tiny, like I used to be (I'm 5'6, 124lbs). I guess I'm just compettitive, especially since my closest friends are shorter and weigh less.

And lastly, I've never been raped or bullied physically. There was one incident where I felt uncomfortable and violated, but I think I was just a stupid, inexperienced seventh grader, and I overreacted to the situation.

Just talking about this helps. I used to play a game online, and I talked to the people in my guild about some of this stuff, but not to this extent. I left it Sunday, though. I didn't want them to feel obligated to deal with all my drama.

Sorry for all the long winded posts. And seriously, thanks for the input.

[Nestorian]

Well, I try a lot to self diagnose on the internet. After being bi-polar was suggested to me, I looked at the symptoms and took some online tests and it sort of fit and I scored high enough to be considered. However, I wonder if all my self diagnosing has led me toward any one answer. That's why I'm looking for an outsider's opinion.

I think I wonder what's wrong with me because growing up, there were often times my mom suggested "talking to someone". I always took it the wrong way. That's what provoked the fight that led to me cutting myself the first time. I just wondered what I was doing wrong, what made me crazy-I never saw anything. I never understood why she said it. Now I do some things that may not be right or perfectly sane, but back then, I never remembered doing anything wrong. It bothered me so much.

The shadow people I thought were ghosts at the time. They happened after taking more than the reccomended dose of benadryl. There was a little girl in braided pig tails, a lady in a dress, and a man in a hat. They all happened at about 3am. I'd wake up, and there one would be. When I turned on the lights or made my mom come see, they disappeared. There wasn't anything in my room that could have made shadows that perfect. They weren't elongated and they started in the middle of my ceiling, perfect silhouettes. I really think it was just the drugs, as I haven't seen anything since then. There was another time, during all this, where I felt like I was being choked. I was on the top of a bunk bed, and I felt like something or someone was gripping my throat and pulling me toward the ceiling. I tried to make a sound. I was finally able to make a little noise, and the pressure stopped, and it was over. I was really freaked out and ran out to the living room (that's where my mom usually was), only to find the screen door closed, but not locked and the heavy door not closed. However, that was probably a coincidence.



A few nights ago I realized that me going to college would put a lot of financial strain on my parents, though they maintain it will work out. I was so looking forward to leaving and starting new, but then it seemed like I'd never be able to afford the future I want, even with getting a job (I'm searching now). I don't really qualify for scholarships as I never participated in extra curriculars in high school, and though my grades are high 80's/low 90's, that isn't good enough. My sister made out that I was being selfish and didn't know what others sacrificed for me and that I wasn't doing anything to help myself..she doesn't know how emotionally unstable I can be or that I cut. I tried to tell her I didn't want to discuss this, but she wouldn't drop it and I just felt really low. That's when I considered an out. If I could never have what I wanted in life, If I'd just go deep into debt and drag my parents down with me, what was the point? Plus, if I die, my parents collect ten thousand dollars, and I looked it up-after the first two years of obtaining a life insurance policy, suicide is treated just like any other death. So I was thinking, they'd have my sister and money and with time, they would be okay. I knew it would hurt them, but it also seemed like it may help in the long run. I was talking to my friend, but at seventeen, she didn't really have much life experience to say anything that could help. So finally I cut and propositioned my other friend, because by sabatoging myself, and not revealing to him what a mess I was at the time, I felt better. At the same time, I quit my guild. I also considered graduating early and working full time or working two jobs, taking a year off, moving out, maybe going to college at night or online-anything to not be selfish or lazy or a burden. The next day, I was just angry with myself for nearly ruining my life.

I don't really like my body, I have low self esteem. If I start to feel like I could be pretty or confident, I see someone who actually is and realize I'm not. I'm not overweight or underweight. I go back and forth between wanting a figure and wanting to be tiny, like I used to be (I'm 5'6, 124lbs). I guess I'm just compettitive, especially since my closest friends are shorter and weigh less.

And lastly, I've never been raped or bullied physically. There was one incident where I felt uncomfortable and violated, but I think I was just a stupid, inexperienced seventh grader, and I overreacted to the situation.

Just talking about this helps. I used to play a game online, and I talked to the people in my guild about some of this stuff, but not to this extent. I left it Sunday, though. I didn't want them to feel obligated to deal with all my drama.

Sorry for all the long winded posts. And seriously, thanks for the input.

No, please, there is no need to appolagise here. You are safe, and free to speak with out any one causing direct pain. IF some one has anything bad to say about you, it's more likely that they are ignorent, and fear you (in that you seem much smarter, or capable to reason then they.), or they just want to make some one feel as they do. No you are capable, and by no means selfish; yet... I wonder if you shouldn't be?

Have you ever heard of Cognitive psychology? This approch gives the "client" more responsibility and forces them to find their own way through their ordeal, what ever it is, stress, diet, thinking, fear, anger, mental illness, etc... It puts a lot of emphises on one's thoughts, and how they lead them into feelings, and actions. You want to bring your instant reaction to any give situation into more conscious thought. So lets say some one says something really mean to you like, "You are fat." It's no true, but you're first thought maybe, "Am I fat?" But then your next one is "F- that!!" The thing is, you acted on the first one, and didn't take the time to rationalise it, so you feel the hurt from the first thought, then you react in an aggressive way to protect yourself. That's due to our basic flight or fight respons system. But the problem sits in us and festers, stews and grows with out us really understanding it. Then we seem stressed but can't tell why, and stress has huge effects on our bodies. Thus the phrase "pain in the neck."- unknown. THe way to avoid this unwanted, and usually hard to find stress is to be very aware of our Thoughts.

You seem to be worried about your parents and dissapointing them, or letting them down. Bummer, I'm sorry I wrote notes for a book, but over the years I've forgoten the important bits to connect the notes to the book.

Here, is a basic run down. Drivers motivate us in a negative way. Stoppers, prevent us from going forward with things, asking a boy out, or asking a simple question. Confusers, are when a person makes assumptions in a very ill advised way. I'll explain a bit later.

Drivers:
The be perfect, all or nothing: You may think, "Either i can do it all now or i can't do any of it ever." It's like narrow minded assumptions. So, there is no real room for learning, only getting it right the first time. As Yoda would say, "Do or do not... there is no try." But his phrase doesn't narrow it down, it gives room for growth, mistakes, learning, and doing.

Hurry up: Feeling the pressure of time, watching the clock trying to hold everything in line and in order. If one thing is not done just right, that's it, game over. "I have to be done at noon or I'll miss this..." Far too much stress on time.

Please others: "If I can help them, then they will like me." Give all you can give, for those you enjoy having around or care about.

Try Hard: "I will do this at any cost." This is when you give up the rest of your life for one thing, often leads too much suffering.

Stoppers:

Catastrophizing: When a person keeps replaying/rehearsing negative scenarios. "Last night I couuld have taken him. He'd be like,"F*** you! " And i'd be like, "What's your deal buddy, bring that s***." He'd through a fist, and I'd move out ot the way and side step him opening my side but then I'd grab his arm and through him to the ground..." Then going over it again. IT can also happen with future scenarios, like if you have a test coming up and you stress on it too much. (I do this a lot, or used to, I'm learning to control it now. Very hard if you've done it since you were 4-5.)

Negaitve self- labeling: "I'm ugly, dumb, don't know how to do anything, and no one likes loners, etc..." This is just straight up negative assumptions about one's self.

Which messages: Telling yourself, "Don't be differnt, don't talk about sex, don't let people know the real you, and so on." This one makes it very hard to accept yourself.

Setting rigid requirements: Narrowing your choices and blocking feelings and actions. "I'll go talk to that person if they smile at me again. Ok they did it again, I'll see if they do it agian..." This prevents people from moving on in life. One seggested means to solving the problem is, "I'll go even if they smile at me, or even if they don't." Be mindful of appropriate behaviours though.

Confusers:

Arbitrary Inferences: A conclusion drawn without careful consideration for the facts. People have a habbit of saying,"I'm broke." This tends to weigh on a person, and it makes a person feel they can not afford to do things they can. It's like self brain washing.

Positive Inferences: Generally lead to a positive out come; however when it starts to distort or change one's view of reality too much it can be damaging. Self-affrimations, they can be dangerous, in that, you will be self-affriming Love. A great person comes a long and says, " I love you." Then you, will take it too far and out of context. So you'll think,"Oh they said they love me, they will be with me for ever, and they wont like any one else..." What if they have a good friend they love too..

Missatribution: Placing the blame for how you feel on some one else. No one can "make" you feel anything, emotionally. You control your feelings, and how to interpret things. So when some one says, " You made me mad!" that's not true. Also, if some one says,"They make me happy." That is not true either, they are assuming that the other person is inflicting these feelings upon them, but really they are inflicting the feelings upon themselves. We choose to be mad at some one for doing something, if we chose to look at things differntly then we'd more than likely let go of our anger, and see that the other person, is really just afraid. As for the love bit, You are not happy because some one, you are happy because you, think happily, therefor feel happily, act happily. It is just easier to be happy around some people than others. When you love some one, make no mistake, you love them because you are happy, and so are they. Together you are happy with one another.

Cognitive deficency: IT's like selective hearing. You ignore important factors, giving your mind a kind of tunnel vission. Depenging on weather you are an introvert (focus everything inwards), or extrovert (focus everything out wards.) you will see things as some other issue, or see everything as your issue.

Denial(1 type of cognitive deficency.): People look at only the side they feel is important and will not open themselves to the full picture. They do this some times because it is too painful to see the "truth"/ entire picture, or they will need to make an undesired change in behaviour.

Over generalization: Recognizing only the similarities between people and events. The ignore the differences. Lets say a girl is beat by an Ex BF, then is way from him for a time, then meets a new guy. The new guy is similar to the other guy only he is calmer, and understanding/empathetic/compationate. The first guy, angery, impatient, aggressive. Those are the differences but all she sees is, two guys, big muscles, rough rugged look, firm grip, laugh a lot (though one is happy the other cinical, but she don't see the difference.), both have big trucks, big dogs, and so on.

Vague language and either/or thinking: Using to vague words to define lifes good things. If one wants to achieve something, they have to be able to see their goal clear cut and dry. With out the clear piture of the goal, it is hard to tell when one has accomplished their goal or not. "I will be a Doctor." All find and noble and what have you but, where, when, how, what, why, and so on. Be specific. "I will be a doctor in the local hospital on the psych ward, after finnishing my schooling from the local university, in such and such years."

Unanswerable Questions: People ask questions that are best left unasked. This is a subcategory of vague language, so the questions are too big and open for any one to really define the properties and or situation/s. These queastions include but are not limited too, "Why am I here? What could i have done differntly? Should I have got married? Did I make the right choice?" Best to focus on the situation at hand and stay in the now.

Magnification: An over estimation of an event or situation. Ex: some one who sees their physical beauty as a measure of self worth, will blow a small thing like gaining an extra pound or two out of proportion. This magnification can go both ways, negative things, and also positive things. One way to deal with this, is to break it down in to smaller parts, so you can manage the information with out getting worked up, and hopefully come to a rationalization that is realistic.

So all that is from a book called, "Talking to your self." No it's not about being crazy, quit the opposite as I'm sure you can see. It gives you an idea as to what you want to bemindful of so you can find it's source and alter it into a healthy constructive thinking pattern. Sorry I don't have more, but I didn't get to finnish the book. Very self empowering stuff. It helps the reader learn to take responsibility for their life, and yet keep the person prepared to cope with it.

I have found something that may help you, it's the effects of benadryl, overdoes.
What happens if I overdose?
Seek emergency medical attention if an overdose is suspected.
Symptoms of a Benadryl overdose include extreme sleepiness, confusion, weakness, ringing in the ears, blurred vision, large pupils, dry mouth, flushing, fever, shaking, insomnia, hallucinations, and possibly seizures.
Benadryl Information from Drugs.com

Ok, I'll come back and write more later if you are still up for more info?

Peace and kindness to you.

[give2me1lemons]

Yes, if you have any more information to give, I'm willing to hear it. The cognitive psychology sounds really interesting. I'd much rather fix myself on my own, if possible. A lot of the things mentioned are things that I have done. My grandma always suggested self affirmations-saying into a mirror I am beautiful... it just made me feel like an idiot. I think I just need to know how to handle my stress and not let myself spiral out of control when I'm upset.

The benadryl overdose information sounds very familiar. For me, it was dry mouth, hallucinations (which I didn't really realize until years later), my body feeling just really achy, a sensation of my brain rolling in my head when I was perfectly still, insomnia or sleepyness, depending on how much I took-the more it was, the more it tended toward insomnia. I also, the first time I oded intentionally (I took 4), thought I was fine until I got up (I was laying down). I went out to talk to my parents about dinner and found I had to run my hand on the wall to feel steady. When I started talking to them, it was like my thoughts didn't connect with what I was trying to say. I left fast so they wouldn't suspect. When I got to my room, it felt like my heart skipped a beat or soemthing, it was messed up. Luckily, I don't do that anymore.

I'm worried that my behavior or whatever you would like to call it, would upset my parents. When I let slip that I am upset, they tend to blame themselves-especially my dad. He feels guilty I guess because when he was sick he was on meds that made him depressed and angry and just not "dad". My sister said he thinks I thought he hated me, being that I was young and he kind of was a jerk sometimes. A couple years ago, he quit his job because his boss was a jerk.. long story. He has a new job, but it doesn't make as much money. Anyhow, because of this, if I'm upset that the snow knocked our power out or because I'm so bored, I'm literally looking forward to meals because they mark the passage of time, he apologises. Like it's his fault, like he failed me. I think if they had any idea about all the stuff I have done and how I get sometimes, it would shatter them. My dad gets depressed sometimes, too. Plus, if they knew about my cutting (even though I see myself as being done, I'm mad I slipped up), I fear they may have me comiitted or something. Like I watched Grey's Anatomy with my grandmother once, and the one girl on the show cuts. My grandmother called her "crazy". And if my mom suggested me seeing a psychiatrist when I couldn't even find a reason, I can only imagine how she would react to all this.

Thanks for all the suggestions and what seems like genuine concern. I'm always surprised by the kindness of strangers. However, I know this board can't go on until forever, and I don't want you to feel like you have to keep this up. Since I started talking to you, I feel much better, and I am seriously doubting I have a disorder.

[Nestorian]

Yes, if you have any more information to give, I'm willing to hear it. The cognitive psychology sounds really interesting. I'd much rather fix myself on my own, if possible. A lot of the things mentioned are things that I have done. My grandma always suggested self affirmations-saying into a mirror I am beautiful...it just made me feel like an idiot. I think I just need to know how to handle my stress and not let myself spiral out of control when I'm upset.

The benadryl overdose information sounds very familiar. For me, it was dry mouth, hallucinations (which I didn't really realize until years later), my body feeling just really achy, a sensation of my brain rolling in my head when I was perfectly still, insomnia or sleepyness, depending on how much I took-the more it was, the more it tended toward insomnia. I also, the first time I oded intentionally (I took 4), thought I was fine until I got up (I was laying down). I went out to talk to my parents about dinner and found I had to run my hand on the wall to feel steady. When I started talking to them, it was like my thoughts didn't connect with what I was trying to say. I left fast so they wouldn't suspect. When I got to my room, it felt like my heart skipped a beat or soemthing, it was messed up. Luckily, I don't do that anymore.

I'm worried that my behavior or whatever you would like to call it, would upset my parents. When I let slip that I am upset, they tend to blame themselves-especially my dad. He feels guilty I guess because when he was sick he was on meds that made him depressed and angry and just not "dad". My sister said he thinks I thought he hated me, being that I was young and he kind of was a jerk sometimes. A couple years ago, he quit his job because his boss was a jerk..long story. He has a new job, but it doesn't make as much money. Anyhow, because of this, if I'm upset that the snow knocked our power out or because I'm so bored, I'm literally looking forward to meals because they mark the passage of time, he apologises. Like it's his fault, like he failed me. I think if they had any idea about all the stuff I have done and how I get sometimes, it would shatter them. My dad gets depressed sometimes, too. Plus, if they knew about my cutting (even though I see myself as being done, I'm mad I slipped up), I fear they may have me comiitted or something. Like I watched Grey's Anatomy with my grandmother once, and the one girl on the show cuts. My grandmother called her "crazy". And if my mom suggested me seeing a psychiatrist when I couldn't even find a reason, I can only imagine how she would react to all this.

Thanks for all the suggestions and what seems like genuine concern. I'm always surprised by the kindness of strangers. However, I know this board can't go on until forever, and I don't want you to feel like you have to keep this up. Since I started talking to you, I feel much better, and I am seriously doubting I have a disorder.

Humm, don't worry about what I feel that is my resposibility, you just focus on you. Besides, the more I tell you things the more they will stick to my brain, or in my brain. I've to make my memory better, and this works for me. Applying it, explaining it, and understanding it. I'm happy to here you feel better. As yoda would say, "It brings warm feelings to my heart to see you alive cenator Amadala." Yes, I'm a geek, though I do prefer the great out doors to the inside of a building. What a contradition, since I spend most of my time in side. Meh. 1 step at a time.

Start smaller with self- affirmations and try being more specific. Like me, I'm not the most attractice guy out there, but I am not the least either. But for me, I used to see myself as unattractive. I changed that by, yes looking in the mirror is a fairly big help, picking one spot on me, weather its my eyes (my eyes are my favorit part on me, and a lot of people tell me they are beautiful.), my chest (I'd like to make it bigger, and I remind myself it's fine right now.), feet, hands, bumm, and... various... other... things... ;) Try to focus on one at a time until you are fairly comfortable with most of your body then, look at it as a whole and say I am beautiful, then you can list a few things that are your fave to back that up. See what I mean.

Ok, I have to ask or rather state something, that may uoset you. You say you don't want to upset your parents, due to them feeling that they failed, but are you considering if you cut too deep one day and die, or (I know you said you won't do this again... ) take too many pills again and you don't wake up. How will they feel not knowing why or how, or any thing really. Keeping seacrets is best left to thoughs who wish to cause harm. I know you don't want to hurt them, but do you think they'd be more hurt if they thought you didn't trust them enough to talk to them?? (they wouldn't know you were just keeping your secrets to protect them.) "We often meet our destiny on the path we would take to avoid it." - Master Ougway (not sure I spelled that right, turtle guy off Kung fu panda.) It is your choice, just thought I'd point that out for you to ponder, or not.
However, do you realise that you are catastrophising? The whole thing about what would happen with your parents? Also, you are using which messages, in that you are saying, "I can't alow my issue fall unto any one else, especailly my father/ mum." Also, you are thinking with misatribution, when you say that you will make your dad feel bad, but we know that's not true, right? Your dad is responsible for his feelings. Try giving him some of this info too, maybe it will help him learn to forgive himself, some times we all need a little reminder. You can do that, let him learn how to help himself, and then maybe you can feel he can handle the truth? You never know. Also, you are setting rigid requirements, in that you are saying, "If I will go tell my dad what if he feels bad, blames himself and so on..." You may consider the way to break that is to say, "When I go tell my dad, EVEN IF he feels bad, blames himself i will tell him."

What ever you choose to do take it slow and easy, there is no rush. Personally, your dad sounds like he could benafit from this stuff too. Especially the Bestrong Driver, when you won't show feelings or you won't allow yourself to fail people. That kind of thing.

As for your grandmother, she doesn't seem to understand things of that nature, so she fears it. Also a word to the wise, the tighter you hold on to a belief, the farther away you are from the truth. People get so upset over their beliefs that they don't see their belief but rather, The only right there is. "Nobodies right if every bodies wrong."- Buffalo springfield - For what its worth. "If I am not pleased with myself, but should wish to be other than I am, why should I think highly of the influences which have made me what I am?" ~John Lancaster Spalding Some times we have to leg go of ideas, or values that hold us where we are, so that we can find our way.

I wish you well.

[N0help4u]

Let's see. I used to cut myself, from age 12 until 16. I stopped, on my own, through sheer will-power.

You have a lot of will power and self reliance. Most people are taught to believe they NEED somebody to overcome problems so realize your strengths and limitations for starts and give yourself credit.

Then a couple years back, for two summers in a row, I messed with benadryl. It started because I developed seasonal allergies and couldn't cope with them. Then I started taking them to sleep. Then, just because. The most I ever took at one time was six. Not pleasant experiences, and I'm pretty sure it would explain the shadowy figures on my ceiling (hallucinations) or the sensation of my brain rolling in my head when I was lying perfectly still, the way my heart seemed to skip a beat, the general ache of my entire body and inability to sleep..

But I overcame that too. I won't even take meds for allergies now.

Ditto again
You have a lot of will power and self reliance. Most people are taught to believe they NEED somebody to overcome problems so realize your strengths and limitations for starts and give yourself credit.

However, I have for a long time, and still do, said to myself on many occasions "I wish I was dead" or "I want to die". Sometimes, in the car with a friend or family member, I fantasize that we are in a car accident. They maybe suffer a bruise or a scratch-I die, or am seriously wounded.

Everybody has thoughts and feelings that are negative especially when they do not want to cope with things. Realize you are not alone and keep on persevering.

I've never broken a bone. I'm a virgin. I've seriously considered just jumping from the tree in my yard, just so I can have a broken bone. I've also considered just losing my virginity to lose it. I'm drawn to older guys.

Again you are having thoughts and feelings that are more out of curiosity or boredom. Accept where you are and your blessings you have in life.

I enjoy taking risks and putting myself in dangerous situations. Sometimes when I'm upset, I just want to revert to taking a deliberate od of tylenol or something. Not to kill myself, just to be reckless.

Find other more constructive ways to be reckless.....skateboarding maybe?

I really think I hate myself. The way I look, my personality, the way I do this stupid stuff, the fact that I want to, even though my life isn't all that bad. What's my problem? I don't have a horrible illness, my parents aren't abusive, we aren't rich, but we are getting by. What right do I have to be so messed up?

Again these are typical feelings we all go through. Try looking at yourself from a neutral objective perspective.

There have been three people in my life that toyed with the idea of me being bi-polar and meant it. I don't think I am. I think it's just some sick thing where I want someone to care, to accept me, to love me. I have family and friends, but it's just not enough, and I tend to push them away..

It is not sick to want somebody to care about you. Most likely your feelings of wanting a broken bone, being reckless and other thoughts and feelings you have are because you want people to notice you and so you get the attention you may not feel you have. We all go through these stages and feelings in some way. Like if you have an average life you most likely are 'daydreaming' these things simply as a way of crying out for something more. Find hobbies and interests, study things that interest you (maybe like why people do the things they do or something).

[give2me1lemons]

Interesting fact I realized about myself: my mood is very dependent on other people. I was starting to feel a little down due to people (it would be difficult to explain, but it wasn't even anything directly related to me), but now that there are more responses to read, I feel pretty good again.

NOhelp4u (is that like, "No soup for you!" from Seinfield?):

It does make me feel kind of powerful when I suppress the urge to confide in others and deal with things on my own, but it doesn't always work (obviously). I try to focus on others and their problems when I'm upset and not reveal I'm upset.

I remember once when I was maybe ten or eleven... just younger, I can't really say how old.. I was at a mall with my grandma and sister. I decided to inform anyone nearby that I had a decent sum of money in my pocket by talking loudly about it to my grandma. I felt like I could "take" whoever would try anything and actually welcomed it. I think the breaking a bone thing and losing my virginity is 1 part reckless and 2 parts wishing my life was more exciting and I had more experiences. I like "battle scars", like the one I received zip lining, because it means I did something worthwile. It does bother me to be average, though. It's like if you're average looks but have an interesting life, you have a better shot-or if you are drop dead gorgeous but have a boring life, and so on. When you are average in every way, no one's interested. Of course, for me, I'm applying this more to being liked by guys. I sometimes wonder if I am attention seeking or just looking for a problem so there will be something about me. Maybe I should just stop analizing myself altogether.

Nestorian:

When my dad says these things, I try to say things like "Why are you apologising? You didn't make the power go out. It's not your fault". Or if these things happen and he is upset, I try to make him laugh-doesn't always work because sometimes I can't help but be frustrated too. There were things in the past that I definitely was upset with him for and had a hard time forgiving (and I'm not 100% sure I have, but I think so), so that's probably partly why he does this.

When I cut, it's never deep. It doesn't even bleed unless I disturb the scab. It does scar though. Plus, though I started on my arm, it's more on my stomach now, so I don't think I could really bleed to death from that. I cut again today, but honestly, I can't say why. It wasn't much of anything and I wasn't that upset. Probably because I still haven't removed the knife from my room. I contradict myself too much. However, I also swiped a beer from the fridge, just to see if they noticed.. it's not like I drink. I've only been drunk once (Christmas break this year), and though I do like say whiskey, I loathe beer. I don't know what to say about pills. Since the whole thing with benadryl, I haven't taken more than say 3 tylenol (just 1 over reccomended) or taken something that is safe to take, but I don't need at the moment (like taking tylenol when I'm not in pain). AFter the thing with the benadryl, I was, and still kind of am, really freaked that I may have messed up my kidneys. So I can't see doing anything to that extent with pills again.

I know, I need to work on how I handle things, like the cognitive stuff. However, I just can't see ever telling them. I plan to hopefully take my sister's route (she had some issues of her own due to this place and the misfortunes we faced at home) and become successul and happy and make them proud. She kept a lot of things quiet from them, too, though she told me (probably not all of it though). She turned out fine. More than fine, actually.

As for my grandma, she's from a different time, and so are my parents (they are 55). So that sort of thing is harder for them to accept.

I don't know really why I do half the stuff I do, but thanks for the insight, both of you.

[N0help4u]

I never saw the No soup for you

Sounds like you want to be the hero of your own movie and want to go for the gusto. Sometimes it is just a matter of growing into yourself. Like my son never was happy as a kid because he wanted to do the things that grown guys do. He wasn't into kid things he wanted to go fishing and work on cars.
You just need to figure out some goals for yourself and work toward them.
Also study about co dependency and self reliance and different types of relationships and where you fit in. I will try to find some sites so you can see what I am trying to explain.

[give2me1lemons]

Seinfield soup nazi: YouTube - The Best Seinfeld Moment Hope I didn't offend you.

I do want to do something amazing and be memorable... who doesn't? I want to travel all over the world. I don't want the typical get a job, get married, have kids. I'm not bashing it, I'm just saying that I want something more unique and exciting. I'd probably be no good with kids anyhow.

That's something that upsets me sometimes. I feel like, if you are lucky, you have 100 years to live. Most people have maybe 60 (I don't know exactly and it varies depending on where you live/lifestyle). The older you get, the more restrictions on what you can do. So like, once you are 50 or 60, things become progressively harder. Not many 80 year olds can rock climb or sky dive. Then, if you are going by a scale of 100, that means that you spend a fifth of your life in school. Almost 20 years dedicated to learning some things that are just useless and wasting your precious time here. And soemthing could happen-maybe you don't have 100 years, maybe you don't even have 60. Maybe you get into a car accident at 23, and you never really got a chance to live. I think school is important, don't get me wrong, but after a certain grade it just becomes a repeat of old material with more, trivial facts. Then, to fill up space in your schedule, they give you things that will have no relevance in life for most people (a lot of it is math). I think we should learn the basics up until 8th or 9th grade, then at least teach us something that will be pertinent later in life. Give us the rest of the time for electives-stuff that we are interested in and may want to do after high school and that prepares us a bit more for college. Anyhow, after you spend all this time in school, not doing anything overly exciting, maybe a few family vacations, whatever, you go to college and/or get a job. College is another 2, 4, 6, 8, or more years, depending. Then you are in debt. Then you work half your life to pay off the debt. Somewhere in this time you may get married and start a family. You grow old as the cycle repeats. Eventually you die. At what point did you get to do something fun and exciting like travelling-assuming you aren't a millionaire? Yet, chances are that if you don't finish high school and go to college, you will never obtain a job that can finance such a thing. I know it can be very fulfilling and a lot of people do this and are quite happy, but I don't think it is for me. That's what I'm afraid of-that I will never be able to afford to pay for what I want in life. I want to do everything while I'm still young, and it really bothers me that I'm being forced to waste some of my good years. I find that depressing. People put too much stock in money-it's just a piece of paper. It only has worth because we say it does. Sorry, I'm rambling..

I have always tried to be the mature one. I never got in trouble for talking in class or anything like that as a kid. Substitutes always came to me for the names of kids who were "misbehaving" which sucked because I felt like the narc-but honestly, if I didn't give a name, they'd leave a desription or call someone else, and how would anyone believe I'd been in class with them for half a year and didn't know their name? I like to be the strong one and the one people come to advice for. However, I think I'm secretly very immature. Like, I don't even want a relationship with a guy anymore... I used to, but now, I think it's too much work. I'd want something more casual. And I don't want to be "old"-I like to call it peter pan syndrome, haha. I'm afriad that I will forget what it is to be childish and spontaneous. I do want to be old enough though-like 21. I hate all the restrictions being 17 comes with. There's not much difference between 17 and 18.

That was really off topic.