Originally Posted by
give2me1lemons
Well, I try a lot to self diagnose on the internet. After being bi-polar was suggested to me, I looked at the symptoms and took some online tests and it sort of fit and I scored high enough to be considered. However, I wonder if all my self diagnosing has led me toward any one answer. That's why I'm looking for an outsider's opinion.
I think I wonder what's wrong with me because growing up, there were often times my mom suggested "talking to someone". I always took it the wrong way. That's what provoked the fight that led to me cutting myself the first time. I just wondered what I was doing wrong, what made me crazy-I never saw anything. I never understood why she said it. Now I do some things that may not be right or perfectly sane, but back then, I never remembered doing anything wrong. It bothered me so much.
The shadow people I thought were ghosts at the time. They happened after taking more than the reccomended dose of benadryl. There was a little girl in braided pig tails, a lady in a dress, and a man in a hat. They all happened at about 3am. I'd wake up, and there one would be. When I turned on the lights or made my mom come see, they disappeared. There wasn't anything in my room that could have made shadows that perfect. They weren't elongated and they started in the middle of my ceiling, perfect silhouettes. I really think it was just the drugs, as I haven't seen anything since then. There was another time, during all this, where I felt like I was being choked. I was on the top of a bunk bed, and I felt like something or someone was gripping my throat and pulling me toward the ceiling. I tried to make a sound. I was finally able to make a little noise, and the pressure stopped, and it was over. I was really freaked out and ran out to the living room (that's where my mom usually was), only to find the screen door closed, but not locked and the heavy door not closed. However, that was probably a coincidence.
A few nights ago I realized that me going to college would put a lot of financial strain on my parents, though they maintain it will work out. I was so looking forward to leaving and starting new, but then it seemed like I'd never be able to afford the future I want, even with getting a job (I'm searching now). I don't really qualify for scholarships as I never participated in extra curriculars in high school, and though my grades are high 80's/low 90's, that isn't good enough. My sister made out that I was being selfish and didn't know what others sacrificed for me and that I wasn't doing anything to help myself..she doesn't know how emotionally unstable I can be or that I cut. I tried to tell her I didn't want to discuss this, but she wouldn't drop it and I just felt really low. That's when I considered an out. If I could never have what I wanted in life, If I'd just go deep into debt and drag my parents down with me, what was the point? Plus, if I die, my parents collect ten thousand dollars, and I looked it up-after the first two years of obtaining a life insurance policy, suicide is treated just like any other death. So I was thinking, they'd have my sister and money and with time, they would be okay. I knew it would hurt them, but it also seemed like it may help in the long run. I was talking to my friend, but at seventeen, she didn't really have much life experience to say anything that could help. So finally I cut and propositioned my other friend, because by sabatoging myself, and not revealing to him what a mess I was at the time, I felt better. At the same time, I quit my guild. I also considered graduating early and working full time or working two jobs, taking a year off, moving out, maybe going to college at night or online-anything to not be selfish or lazy or a burden. The next day, I was just angry with myself for nearly ruining my life.
I don't really like my body, I have low self esteem. If I start to feel like I could be pretty or confident, I see someone who actually is and realize I'm not. I'm not overweight or underweight. I go back and forth between wanting a figure and wanting to be tiny, like I used to be (I'm 5'6, 124lbs). I guess I'm just compettitive, especially since my closest friends are shorter and weigh less.
And lastly, I've never been raped or bullied physically. There was one incident where I felt uncomfortable and violated, but I think I was just a stupid, inexperienced seventh grader, and I overreacted to the situation.
Just talking about this helps. I used to play a game online, and I talked to the people in my guild about some of this stuff, but not to this extent. I left it Sunday, though. I didn't want them to feel obligated to deal with all my drama.
Sorry for all the long winded posts. And seriously, thanks for the input.