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bnsmith · Jan 23, 2009, 06:43 AM

I'm a 30 yr old female with 3 kids and divorced . Fiancée is 35 male 3 kids and divorced.
We are both happier and more in love than we ever new possiable. We both went through very difficult divorces in their own different ways. We both swore we never would do that to ourselves again. But than we found each other and it is wonderful!

Why do people get married? What's the point I don't want him to marry me to take care of me or tax deductions or for insurance or to own one another I don't want it to be because it's the next natural step . I won't love him more or less either way. I don't think it matters if we are married or not. It doesn't guarantee anything and doesn't make them love or respect you any more than they do before the marriage. So why? Why do it! Why do I feel an acking in my soul the pit of my stomach wanting this man to be my husband wanting to be his wife. The kids call me their step mom already and he is step dad. Its not going to make a diffrence its no more commitment than we already have! We made that commitment a long time ago when we introduced our kids and let the other love our children we live to gether as a married family with 6 children. So once again why do I want this. Why is it so important to me. We have talked about it and both agree its probably the right thingto do and we should just do it, but when push comes to shove and we talk dates he freaks. We even got a marriage license once! I know he loves me more than he has loved anyone. He only married the first time because he was young and family told him it was the right thing to do! I don't ever want him to look back and regret our wedding like he does his first! I want him to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me , but once again he already does so why do I want this so bad it hurts!
Somebody anybody please help me understand why people get married and why its so important if the committement is already their why bother . Any insight would be great and thanks

stevetcg · Jan 23, 2009, 07:00 AM

Well, there IS a tax benefit, but I agree that its probably not the best plan if that is the only reason.

If you already consider yourself a family, who cares what anyone else says on the matter. If you don't believe in the religious aspects of marriage, at the end of the day, its just a piece of paper, a contract if you will. What matters is the hearts involved.

I suspect that you want it so badly because everyone else does too. It's the dream that little girls grow up with... prince charming, fairy tale wedding, happily ever after. Disney has never done a princess movie with a domestic partnership.

So why do you want it so much? Because you do. There doesn't need to be a why. You want it and there is no good reason to. It doesn't change anything. I want a mercedes. There is no good reason... I just do. :)

You are entitled to want whatever you want.

450donn · Jan 23, 2009, 09:17 AM

Marriage is suppose to be a public statement that you both love each other, are willing to stand up and fight to protect the marriage vows and will do what ever is necessary to help and support your spouse. In today's society that has been diluted to meaning "I will live with this jerk until I find someone better". People today have forgotten what and why there is a marriage except for the financial rewards such as they are. Sad really. In my opinion society would be much better off if people would remember the real reasons marriage exists.

450donn · Jan 23, 2009, 11:13 AM

Sorry I cannot answer that for you. In my opinion I believe it is a sin in the eyes of God to live or have sex with a person outside of marriage. But that is my beliefs. You may or may not hold to those same beliefs. So for me to tell you to get married is simply wrong.

twinkiedooter · Jan 23, 2009, 12:53 PM

Just because he had a bad first marriage tells him what he does not want in a wife. If you meet the criteria of what he does want in a wife, then there should be no question of marriage. Don't let him keep pulling the wool over your eyes about "why bother" with getting married. That's just a cop out. Show your respective children what a real marriage is and get married and treat each other the way you would like to be treated. It is not a very good role model to all the kids when parents don't get married. I'm from the old school of get married - don't just live together. You did not say how long you two have been together, but if it has been several years of you two playing house, it's time to tie the knot. You've definitely had enough practice to see if it would work or not.

Wondergirl · Jan 23, 2009, 01:07 PM

Aside from the emotional and religious arguments, there are the legal ones. They may not seem important to you now, but as you two age into your retirement years, they will become more important.

My uncle was a bachelor and never signed a paper to give anyone health power of attorney. That's what a spouse has--if push comes to shove and there are medical decisions to make and you can't make them yourself, a spouse, who by law has an implicit medical power of attorney, will make them for you to keep your wishes intact. Otherwise, the medical people may decide to do something that you would be very much against and your SO would not be able to intervene in your behalf. And yes, your kids could make those decisions, but if your kids are anything like me and my siblings, we don't agree on many things including a parent's medical care. Your spouse would know your mind and would know what you would want done, and would have the power to make medical choices for you.

This is one of the reasons the gay community wants to be given the privilege of a legal marriage.

donf · Jan 23, 2009, 01:43 PM

Let's see, I'm 62 tomorrow. I met my lady when she was my escort at my eldest brother's wedding. We were both 17. Our mother's worked together at a hospital switchboard. They intended my gal to meet and fall head over heals for my next older brother who was in the Marines. However, he could not get leave to participate in the wedding so I was subbed and we met.

We eloped 1 year later when we were 18. In July of 2009 we will be married 44 years.

We've had highs and nadirs along the way but I'm here to say that I'm proud and pleased the she chose me over my brother.

I cannot imagine any sequence of events that would be better for me than married to her.

As to the why we married, it was for all the wrong reason. Fortunately for us, our first child did not appear for four years. It gave us time to grow and learn to live as a married couple.

For me and I hope my lady, there is no alternate lifestyle or behavior. Married is just the way we like it.

bnsmith · Jan 23, 2009, 03:51 PM

donf
I hope we last the 44+ years and can have all the wonderful ups and downs of marriage. Even our worst days together are great days, better than any I can remember from before we found one another! I can't imagine a day a week a night a moment without loving this man with all that I am. He has made me a better person a better partner a better friend a bettter mother a better me! Thanks for your insight

talaniman · Jan 25, 2009, 09:06 AM

Getting married was just a natural extension to the way we were living anyway. It's a lot of hard work, but well worth it, and yes divorce is an option I supposed, but that hasn't happened and we have been together more that 30 years.

But I can see where your both gun shy about getting married, again. Don't do it unless you mean it, there is no hurry, and only puts undo pressure on the relationship. How long have you been together, I must have missed that?

I will advise you to get your legal acts together though, as marriage is automatic as far as power of attorney, and decision making. Living together is not.

You would be devastated if something happened to him, and you lose half of everything to his related strangers, assuming everything is shared.

mslukes · Feb 4, 2009, 10:41 AM

I myself am in the same predicament, however, financially, I would lose out. We have 2 children together and have been together for almost 11 years. I am 27 years old and have been with him through thick and thin and love with all my being. I think I want to get married though, so I can call him my husband even though he already calls me his wife. I agree with the previous response, and I think we just want to get married because it has always been a dream, and we feel like we would be "closer" if we do, I'm as conflicted as you are, I hope I helped a little:)

bnsmith · Feb 4, 2009, 12:29 PM

So you all know thank you so much for taking time to anser my ?
And we have decided to get married as there are no good resons not to other than our own fears from the past but we both are committed and want to make this stand together so thanks again for your help! By the way the six kids are more excited than we are I think !

donf · Feb 7, 2009, 08:00 PM

I thank all of you for your responses. Yes I feel blessed.

I consider all women to be ladies because they deserve nothing less!

Alty · Feb 7, 2009, 08:16 PM

I know that you've already decided to walk down the aisle and I'm so happy for you and your future husband.

I just wanted to say the following. I got married because the man I love and still love today was everything I was looking for. I wanted to share his life, have him by my side no matter what, to have his children, to be his partner in every way. Yes, there have been hard times, but for the most part we've been truly blessed. I married my best friend, my lover, my everything, and there's never been a day that I regret that.

I'm so happy for you, please, keep us updated. :)