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everafterlove · Jan 20, 2009, 10:53 PM

I have a girlfriend and I found out that she has a lot of guy friends.

And there's a guy friend in particular that she says "i love you" to him on the phone and in person and on myspace/e-mails texts and kisses him on the cheek.

This bugs me, but should it? I always though that the words "i Love you" should be something that is shared between girlfriends or boyfriends. I understand saying it to your mom or dad or bother or sister/family members but to a guy friend?

I mean she still says it even if she's with me?

And this guy calls her up and plays guitar for her over the phone?
And when they hang up he says to her "I love you" in my presence?
She's known him for about 4 years now. And he was one of her ex-boyfriends friends. She says their close.

What do you think the appropriate thing to do is in this case? Should she not say it anymore to this guy since now she's in a relationship with me or should she just continue to say it like she always did?

She also says to me that she loves me, but she says it's a different love for me than him.
I don't say "I love you" to anyone else other than my family members and her.
I mean would it be OK for me to say to one of my friends that is a girl that "I love you"? And call her up and play guitar for her over the phone and kiss her on the cheek?

I'm confused and interested in some answers
Any thoughts?

Dare81 · Jan 20, 2009, 11:45 PM

I would say talk to her, tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and see where it goes from there

Nestorian · Jan 20, 2009, 11:59 PM

I'm not to jelous type, at least publicly. But I've bin with girls who do this a lot, and I've always run into problems. I have learned that saying I love you to a friend is fine, however, kissing is a little over the line.

"this bugs me, but should it?" - you, these are just words, should and shouldn't. The real question is why does it bug you? Yes there is the obvious, but are you insecure, and feel threatoned by this relationship she has? Can you talk to her and find a compramise, like no kissing, because it makes you feel uncomfortable. If she won't, you have to accept that, or simply leave.

"what do you think the appropriate thing to do is in this case? should she not say it anymore to this guy since now she's in a relationship with me or should she just continue to say it like she always did?" -you

I know this is hard to swallow, but the appropriate thing to do is decide, can you handle being with her as is, or do you want to talk to her see how she feels, or sees it, or tell her you're sorry but you're not ready to handle the kind of relationship she wants, but explain yourself. Trust me it hurts like hell, just letting go of some one you care for so much, but if you can't handle it, then you won't be happy any way. Why make two suffer for one?

This isn't about her, it's about you. Thoughs are her choices to make, and you can not make them for her.

Focus on yourself, "Since you can not tame the minds of others, until you have tamed your own, begin by taming your own mind. No one saves us but our selves, no one can and no one may. We our selves must walk the path."- words of Buddha

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt, doubt separates people, it is a poison that disintegrates friendships, and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts, it is a sword that kills." - Words of Buddha

So you have doubts about the relationship, be cautious of this; for it could cause a lot of suffering. As yoda puts it, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Your fear of losing her, or being betray by her is causing you doubt. This is very concerning so be aware of your thoughts, feelings and your actions; for if left unchecked you may hurt her unintentionally, as well as yourself.

"I mean would it be ok for me to say to one of my friends that is a girl that "I love you"?"

That depends on what you think? And your reasoning. Maybe try it, with a close female friend, but let her in the loop. Don't do it to make your GF jelous, but just so she can see better your side of the issue. But talk to you GF about this all first. (Warning if not handled very delicately, this could go extreamly horrible. So be careful.) The guitar playing is OK, but refrain from the kiss thing. You just want your girlfriend to get the idea of how uncomforatble it feels. Be honest with her if she confronts you that you were doing it to show her how it feels. (Once again, I would not do this personally, it is far too sketchy.)

Have you heard the song, "Every bodies free to wear sunscreen."? Look it up on YouTube, it's rather enlightening.

There is a line that says somehting like, "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

I hink that's rather appicable.

In the end, this is up to you, love yourself, see how you're (yes I know its' wierd) beautiful.

Take care of yourself budy.

Peace be with you.

neverme · Jan 21, 2009, 12:01 AM

I'm a bit torn on this one.
I agree with Dare, try to talk to her and see what she says.

But at the same time you have to remember that if this girl really is just friends with this guy then she doesn't see him as a 'man' he's just a friend, regardless of sex.

This singing down the phone thing is kind of weird though to be honest :p I would be freaked out by that. But it might help to realise that a lot of times when someone breaks up, as you said that he is an ex's friend, it can be easy to feign and replace the relationship that is lost with someone who is a friend and you are comfortable with.

Nevertheless, I really get why you would feel uncomfortable about this. If you go about it calmly and rationally, don't lose your cool and don't accuse her OR HIM of anything, she should be able to see your point of view too and come to some resolution.

A word for the wary though, make sure that if you say, after you talk, that you are fine that you are. You want honesty from her and owe her the same. You won't be helping yourself or her if you are not completely honest.

Best of Luck.

neverme · Jan 21, 2009, 12:14 AM

Nestorian... what SHE said! :p but thanks :)

Dare81 · Jan 21, 2009, 12:30 AM

I agree with never me if you say you are fine with it, you better be cause if you are not okay with and tell her that you are it will create problems later on in the relationship.Trust me.

liz28 · Jan 21, 2009, 05:45 AM

I say I love you to everyone including my male friends. That phrase is universal and not only meant to be use between boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now even through I tell my male friends I love them I am not in love with them. That love is only for my fiancé because he is the love of my life, besides my kids and parents. Our love that we share is different and special.

Now, I think your feeling threaten not just because of what she saids to him but because of the friendship they share. You might feel like something is going on but something don't have to be going on it just shows the bond of the their friendship and you shouldn't be jealous because if she was doing something with him than she would be trying to hide the friendship from you.

You need to relax and if anything express your concerns with her in an open civil matter. Don't accuse her of any wrong doing and listen to what she has to say.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 07:51 AM

Don't make this a big deal at all. Let it go, as that's the way she is, and if you can't handle it you'll look like a jealous little boy who has issues, and it would be the truth.

Never a good idea trying to change how someone relates to their friends.

Romefalls19 · Jan 21, 2009, 08:37 AM

Tal is right, he has been around for 4 years, so nothing you can do. I have girl friends that tell me they love me, and I'm engaged to someone else. It's no big deal, I look at them like a sister. It's just not a huge argument that I am willing to endure nor is my fiancé.

Dare81 · Jan 21, 2009, 12:56 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't make this a big deal at all. Let it go, as thats the way she is, and if you can't handle it you'll look like a jealous little boy who has issues, and it would be the truth.

Never a good idea trying to change how someone relates to their friends.

I don't agree Tal, her guy friend is talking to her for 4 hours everyday, writing songs for her and singing it for her. Something fishy is going on here.I think he should talk to her and tell her how he really feels, if not his feeling are going to fester.
Just my opinion I could be wrong

liz28 · Jan 21, 2009, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by Dare81

I don't agree Tal, , her guy friend is talking to her for 4 hours everyday, writing songs for her and singing it for her. Something fishy is going on here.I think he should talk to her and tell her how he really feels, if not his feeling are going to fester.
Just my opinion i could be wrong

Am I missing something because I didn't see anything about her talking to him for 4 hours a day or her friend writing songs for her then calling her up for her to listen to it. If this is the case than my point of view might be different.

However, I did see in his post about her friend playing the gutitar for her over the phone. This might be completely innocent. He might be playing it for her to get feedback instead of trying to win her over. Maybe he trust her opinon about his music.

Nestorian · Jan 21, 2009, 02:02 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

Nestorian...what SHE said! :p but thanks :)

Haha, oops:o. My apologies my lady. Haha, You are most welcome. Thanks for being cool about it. :cool:

Take care.

Peace be with you.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 05:45 PM

She does these things in his presence. That's the difference. If she was sneaking, and hiding, time to let her go, but making a mountain from a molehill, may not be worth the battle, especially if there is insecurity, or jealousy involved on everafterlove's part, which I think he should clear that up with us instead of disappearing, never to be heard from again

southerngalps · Jan 21, 2009, 06:26 PM

I say I love you to my guy friends.

Out of respect, I would never say it in front of a boyfriend.

Tell her your feelings. Do it nicely. Just tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable and would she mind not saying it in your presence.

liz28 · Jan 21, 2009, 06:37 PM

He seems to be having the same problems with this girl regarding the same issues.
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talaniman · Jan 21, 2009, 07:01 PM

Seems the OP has issues.

slapshot_oi · Jan 22, 2009, 10:18 AM

I was about to tell you to let it go until I read they dated in the past.

Clearly, she has no respect for you since she does this right in front of you. And if she was sneaking around and lying about doing this, then she'd most likely be cheating on you.

This is a choice, telling her your feelings won't do jack besides loss of even more respect. If anything, retaliate or walk-out, it'll give her a wake-up call

She's getting attention from both you and her ex and she loves every second of it. She's being selfish. Don't take this crap.

Originally Posted by liz28

This might be completely innocent. He might be playing it for her to get feedback instead of trying to win her over.

HA! Get real, if he wanted real feedback he'd ask a musician. He's trying to manipulate her.

Let me guess, they broke up because he was a jerk and now he's trying to show her that he's sensitive.

EDIT
I read it too quickly, I now notice that he was an ex-boyfriend's friend. My take on the situation is a little different, but since she openly admitted to laughing at you, that is reason enough to send her packin'.

liz28 · Jan 22, 2009, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

HA! Get real, if he wanted real feedback he'd ask a musician. He's trying to manipulate her.

Not always true. One my exes is a songwriter and has been so for years, which was one of the reasons we broke up. He calls me up to listen to what he wrote without the intentions to win me back because he value my opinon. So I don't get where you get off that musician only ask other musicians for feedback so you get real.

However my opinon was wrote before I read his other post and after reading them all I do believe that he likes her and so does she or like you said she likes the attention.

Even way issues keep popping up with this guy so if he doesn't want to deal with it he should move on.

Nestorian · Jan 22, 2009, 01:44 PM

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." - Baz Lurhmann - everybody's free to wear sunscreen.

Peace

everafterlove · Jan 22, 2009, 07:26 PM

OK get this, I talked to her about this whole "I love you" thing. And she says I understand and she says he's just a friend and I have nothing to worry about so everything was cool, BUT! Then this happened.. .

I got ice cream with her one night and we were driving back to my place to watch a dvd and then this dude calls.

So she talks to him over the phone and just when she's about to hang up I hear him saying to her "i love you" and then he laughs
And then she says "I Love you" back to him and laughs too.

And this type of laugh is like a weird one I can't really describe it but I suspected that she told him that I had a problem with this whole "i love you" thing and they both think I'm stupid for feeling uncomfortable with it and they are both laughing at me.

So right when she got of the phone I was really sad and angry and she asked me "what's wrong"? And so I said to her why did you say "i love you" to him and then laugh and why did he laugh and say I love you to you? Were you both laughing at me because I told you how I felt about the whole issue.

She first denied it and then later she said yes that he and her were laughing at me and that she was sorry for it.

I felt really hurt like I shared my feelings with her and then she told this guy friend about it and they both laughed at me behind my back and basically didn't take my feelings seriously.

I told her that I found that really disrespectful that she would laugh at me about this whole thing in my presence and with that guy and that this shows the guy that she has no respect for my feelings and that by doing this that she shows this guy that it's OK to laugh at her boyfriends feelings.

I was really hurt.