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caprica75 · Jan 22, 2009, 11:22 AM

My best friend of almost 15 years recently became engaged. We have been there for each other through many ups and downs. She was invited to and attended my small destination wedding (10 people invited) four years ago. Over the last year and a half we have grown apart somewhat as I have relocated to England. However, we remain in contact via emails and phone calls. We have discussed her wedding plans several times. She sent me an email telling me she was engaged with the details of the proposal. I let her know how excited I was and mentioned I was thinking about wedding gifts. Her immediate email response was she would be married in Vegas with her parents and his parents in attendance since "the parents wanted to be there and they wanted them there". She added that she hoped her brother and his sister would not attend since they would have to pay for it and it would keep the guest list short. I sent a follow up email wishing her a happy new year and tried to clarify that only immediate family was invited. She has sent another email, but has not addressed it at all. Not sure how to take this or even if I should send a gift.

AimRG · Jan 26, 2009, 12:56 AM

I do feel for you and understand your disappointment that you are not invited to the wedding. I would try to not take it personally as it sounds like she "wants" to have a small, intimate (and less costly) wedding with just family. Although you want to at least be invited it is ultimately her life event and she and her fiancé have their own ideas of who they will have be in attendance. It is also sad and unfortunate that she does not want her siblings there because she will have to pay for them to come. With destination weddings you are not obligated to pay for the people you invite, although some do most people can not afford that additional cost.

I would send a wedding gift to my friend of 15 years. It is a gesture of the event, not because you got invited to a party. I have a girlfriend who is still very upset she did not receive a wedding gift from one of her friends. Good luck and remember it is her wish and most likely not an attempt to hurt your feelings.

starbuck8 · Jan 26, 2009, 03:08 AM

Your friend may also be thinking of the expense that was involved when she attending your destination wedding. She just may be trying to spare you the expense because she knows that you are overseas, and flying to Las Vegas would not only be a huge expense, but also a very long flight. I don't know if you've had children, but she may also be thinking of this. When she came to your wedding, it was likely just her expense that she had to concern herself with. But now that you are married, she knows that it will cost a lot more for two tickets.

You don't want to let something like this be a thorn in your side, and ruin a 15 yr. friendship. Send a gift, along with your best wishes.

caprica75 · Jan 26, 2009, 07:20 AM

Thank you for understanding my disappointment and pain. I will choose not to take the lack of an invitation personally as you advise. You are both right, I should send a gift to celebrate such a special event. Thanks again.

wtbear · Apr 4, 2009, 12:24 PM

I've had friends who have done the family only option, and trust me your friend probably struggled with it. Don't be offended. Why don't you try to arrange a dinner with friends once they are back from their honeymoon celebrating the big news? It will also give you the opportunity to tell you friend how much you'd like to celebrate with her.

Clarizzy · May 16, 2009, 03:04 AM

That is upsetting. If I were you, I'll still send her a small gift just to show her that you really care about her and she'll realized that what she has done is so wrong.

Rushed19 · May 18, 2009, 09:16 PM

It isn't right that she isn't being honest with you, likely if she told you the truth about finances or intamacy etc.. You would probably be a little more understanding. As the previous posts suggest, send a gift, she is after all still your best friend.

cozyk · May 24, 2009, 06:35 AM

#One In the words of Dr. Phil, "It ain't about you"

#Two YOU are the one that emailed her that only immediate family would attend.

#Three I would be fine with and totally understand why
Someone would not put me on the spot by inviting me to a wedding that would cost me big bucks just to get there.

#Four Giving her a gift or not should not be an obligatory thing but something that comes from your heart. What does your heart say?

N0help4u · May 24, 2009, 05:03 PM

Sounds to me like by her saying that brothers and sisters aren't even invited she was implying that she wasn't having any guests other than parents.
I would not let it bother me and wish her the best.

Carol Linder · May 29, 2009, 05:28 AM

It's not like many other people were invited and you weren't. If your friends want a small wedding with just the parents it's their choice... it's their day. It doesn't matter what the reason for the small wedding is. If you have been friends for 15 years then you should send her a nice gift.

dontknownuthin · May 31, 2009, 06:47 PM

I would email her again and say, "I understand you're having a very small wedding, and you mentioned your concern about people going to expense to be there. I'm guessing you don't want to impose on me in that way given that I'm in Europe. I just want to let you know I'd be honored to witness this beautiful moment in your life, if you'd like me to be there. If you, rather, just want it to be the two of you and your parents, I can understand that and we will celebrate in another way...

Please let me know if you'd like me to be there on this special day. My feelings will not be hurt if you want to keep it just family, and I will not be put out in the least if you would like for me to come...I'd fly anywhere in the world for such a dear friend."

Then see what she says...

cozyk · May 31, 2009, 07:35 PM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I would email her again and say, "I understand you're having a very small wedding, and you mentioned your concern about people going to expense to be there. I'm guessing you don't want to impose on me in that way given that I'm in Europe. I just want to let you know I'd be honored to witness this beautiful moment in your life, if you'd like me to be there. If you, rather, just want it to be the two of you and your parents, I can understand that and we will celebrate in another way...

Please let me know if you'd like me to be there on this special day. My feelings will not be hurt if you want to keep it just family, and I will not be put out in the least if you would like for me to come...I'd fly anywhere in the world for such a dear friend."

Then see what she says...

I don't really like this. The bride has already stated that she just wants the parents there. She does not even want the siblings. She mentioned the expense and I think that was her way of saying "I'm not inviting ANYONE. Leave it at that. If you say, "I'm guessing you don't want to impose on me" That puts her back in that acwkard position she thought she had escaped. And to say, "I'd be honored to witness this beautiful moment in your life" just sounds corney. Only a mother could get away with saying something so mushy. And she ALREADY made it clear that that she wanted just the two of them and their parents.

With your second paragraph, you have put the hot potato back in her hands. The "I'd fly anywhere in the world for such a dear friend" just adds more pressure and is more mush. Who talks like this to their good friends? I say just leave it alone. Send her a gift and a sincere note stating how you wish her well and don't try wiggling your way in like this. It would just be making a pest of yourself.

JudyKayTee · Jun 1, 2009, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by cozyk

I don't really like this. The bride has already stated that she just wants the parents there. She does not even want the siblings. She mentioned the expense and I think that was her way of saying "I'm not inviting ANYONE. Leave it at that. If you say, "I'm guessing you don't want to impose on me" That puts her back in that acwkard position she thought she had escaped. And to say, "I'd be honored to witness this beautiful moment in your life" just sounds corney. Only a mother could get away with saying something so mushy. And she ALREADY made it clear that that she wanted just the two of them and their parents.

With your second paragraph, you have put the hot potato back in her hands. The "I'd fly anywhere in the world for such a dear friend" just adds more pressure and is more mush. Who talks like this to their good friends? I say just leave it alone. Send her a gift and a sincere note stating how you wish her well and don't try wiggling your way in like this. It would just be making a pest of yourself.

I agree - how many ways can the bride let someone know they are not invited. This kind of pressure just makes a bad situation worse.