[seo]

Do you guys think I should e-mail her one more time and say that I’m going to date and will not wait for her?

I know she wanted me to tell her if I meet someone. Now I feel stupid telling her I would wait. I want her to know that I’m moving on.

[Skell]

NO. Tell her nothing.
You owe her nothing. It isn't up to you to give her update on what you are up to.
She will find out one way or another.
But by you emailing her and telling her you are going to date is just looks as though it is some ploy of yours to make her jealous!
Don't contact her! You have made the decision for you I hope and NOT for HER.
Stuff her. Who cares what she thinks.
Who is she to tell you that you have to call her and tell her if you meet someone. Its none of her business!
The way you tell her you aren't waiting for her is by moving on and not contacting her.
Contacting her to tell her you are moving on really showss you haven't. Understand? If you are moving on then why would you even care to tell her anything?
I wouldn't contact her again. Not at least for a few months anyway after you've thought long and hard about whether you really want this person!

[seo]

Ok Skell,

I hear you. Loud and clear. I just want her to “know that I’m moving on”. But then again, not contacting her does tell her that. I never thought of it that way. I sure have a lot to learn in the relationship department. I wish it was not such a game.

[Wildcat21]

You will torture yourself.

That was WOMANESE for - I don't want to be with you. I don't want a relationship with you.

Move on - seriously. People just don't click and get back together in 6 months... only in the movies.

Leave her alone - disappear. No contact.

You seem kind too soft for what a woman wants. She doesn't want a girlfriend - she wants a man. Grow a spine. Be a man. She doesn't want a soft guy - a wussy. She wants a strong, confident, independent guy.

Work on yourself. Go to this website and read every article on datin gand relationships. www.askmen.com

[seo]

Wow, that was kind of harsh man. But I guess I needed it. Thanks.

Anyway, I have a date tonight. And will see how it goes.

[Wildcat21]

Sorry man - I am blunt - and you need to hear it. I will never tell you what you want to hear - I deal in reality. Hey, I've been given those slingers before... it's to let you down easy.

ANY type of contact now for the next 3 months will come across as desperate and needy. Insecure.

Disappear from that gal. Don't return ANY communication for 3 months.

Date, date, date - lots of dates.

Hey, I want you to get over this gal as soon as possible - AND let you know WHAT's really going on... no fluff.

The sooner you get over her - the sooner your real love will come...

She might - 5% chance come back... BUT, she most certainly won't come back, and I know this for a 100% fact - until YOU HAVE MOVED ON.

People WANT what they can't have. She had you hook, line, and sinker - game over. You surrender to her and that's really unactractive.

[seo]

I understand what you are saying. It does get easier each day. And I do feel better. I’m not going to contact her at all, even if she sends me an e-mail, text message – anything. Zero, nadda. In three months, I’ll send one text message asking “how she is doing”, nothing more. And even then, if she replies…I won’t respond back till another 3 months.

I purchased a book today and started to read it. It basically says that women need a challenge for a relationship to last, even for the guy to play games a bit. It even gives a strategy to follow for 90 days. For example: it says call one a week and only to ask for a date and to keep the conversation under three minutes. It also says to give two compliments on a date and if she compliments you, just to say thanks – nothing more. If she shows affection, do not to show it back.

Here is some info from the book. I really hate playing games with people. It’s not in my nature. But I’m going to have to I guess. The book explains why every time I fall for a girl, they break it off….

Challenge was the last principle to complete my “System.” The reason Challenge took so long and was so hard for me to discover was because no woman initially (actually) used the word, and only a small percentage of women even alluded to it. I would ask, “What do you like in a man?” and women would never answer “I love a Challenge.” They might answer instead, “I like a guy more if he hangs back and I have to work to get him.” Or I would sometimes hear “He was mysterious,” “different,” “elusive,” ad nauseum. (It’s no wonder Freud couldn’t figure out what women wanted!) And here’s the ironic thing -- once I started using the word “Challenge” in my interviews, women knew exactly what I was talking about. Yes guys, Challenge is what the woman wants!

I stumbled across Challenge by accident while probing with improved interviewing techniques. (I’m the original Love Cop!) My first clue was in the way Caprice kept saying that Tom was exciting because of his “inaction.” “He was mysterious because I always wondered where I stood with him. He didn't chase me like all the other guys, " she told me. She said that she didn’t like his almost cavalier attitude, but when I asked, “Why didn't you dump him?” She replied, “I kinda liked the way he treated me. He wasn’t predictable. He kept me on my toes, so I married him.” (So much for language and logic!)

After the truth of this conversation sank in, two big questions hit me: what if the man, who is the aggressor in the relationship and faces the heaviest danger of rejection, could somehow reverse the process, and make the woman the aggressor? What if women responded to Challenge in a relationship, but didn’t know it until it was pointed out to them?

The second incident that uncovered Challenge was a conversation about the proper handling of the phone in relationships. I had asked Lee Ann: “How long after giving a guy your home phone number would you want him to call you?” She dodged the question. “Everyone calls within two days,” she said. (Predictable!) I said, “I understand what you’re saying, but when would you want the guy to call you?” She answered: “As soon as possible, then I would decide whether or not I wanted to go out.” “Imagine instead, Lee Ann, that I got your home phone number and I didn’t call you for five to nine days -- what would you do?” “Well, if I liked you, I would be a little mad and think you were playing games.” “What games, Lee Ann?” A blank stare covered her face. Then she said, “I wouldn’t like it, but if I had Interest (Level) I would accept the date.”

[valinors_sorrow]

Seo - while I don't advocate playing games (unless of course you like your women phoney or manipulative), I think women like to be teased and certainly by a man who is actively using the head attached to his shoulders. Excellent boundary definition is a must -- he has to be able to stand his ground when warranted as well as know how to intimately yield in the privatest of moments too. In our house, we are both fully adult who retained the ability to play, but if these are games then we both consent to them. Wildcat seems to think my hubby and I can still tap into the thrill of the chase somehow while being mindful of each other's feelings like the old married couple we really are LOL. And the more masculine he is in his expression, the more feminine I tend to be in mine. Nature is what it is and although my liberated sisters won't like it, men are still bigger, faster, stronger and I recognise that as important; so should he. Once that's understood, the mating dance is easier on any level, in my opinion. Being honest doesn't mean erasing all the mystery, it just means being authentic about it. We both acknowledge that I know me as a woman and he is still studying it; conversely he knows what it is to be a man and it's a continuous lesson to me still. With that arrangement, we are still going strong after quite a few years and some say there is even a newlywedded quality to us. I hope that helps to shed some light to the thinking man-- that is always refreshing to see here!

[brandinzac]

seo I would just let her be, she knows that she you care for her and if she wants to talk to you she will. She needs her time to herself to know that she can stand on her own two feet. As hard as it may be to understand she does need this time to prove something to herself. Just give her the time and I believe that she will come around and you will be happy with her in about 6-12 months.

[momincali]

It's not so much that you want to give her time because you're playing the game, but because you want to let her know that you respect her wishes and feelings that she isn't ready for a relationship.

I too say no contact whatsoever. Nothing. No emails, text, or even quickie phone calls. If she were to pop up at your door step I'd politely remind her that she asked for the space and that you feel it will do you good too. Again, not because you're playing games, but because you have to show her that you are not at her disposal simply because she felt like it.

You were the one to ask her if she wanted you to wait and she said she couldn't ask you to do that and you took it upon yourself to wait. She may have lost a little respect for you at that point.

Move on. It's possible she may call you some day, but don't count on her coming back to you in six months. It almost sounds as though she has discovered what its like to be single after a five year relationship and she's like a kid in a candy store. I don't think that's what you want. Date with an open mind and you'll be surprised to find how quickly you get over this bump in the road of your life.

[Wildcat21]

Sorry folks - love is a game. IT's NOT PLAYING GAMES - put there are certain ways you need to ACT -act like an ADULT - NOT a love sick puppy.

You should be a challenege until your 80! Women want the feeling that other women would want you.

You never completely surrender to someone - you are NEVER ont their beck and call - you never JUMP whenthey say JUMP - NEVER! You can't ALWAYS be available - be busy with other stuff.

Women want the chase... don't always give in. Be busy. Break a date.

Be a challenge - don't alwaqys agree - being too agreeable is wussy behavior. Stand your ground in what YOU believe in - not what she believes in!!

[s_cianci]

I don't think there was any problem with writing the letter. However, I wouldn't waste too much time "waiting" until she's "ready." I don't mean to be a nay-sayer but it sounds like this woman really doesn't want a relationship and probably can't handle one, no matter how much she claims to "care" about you. "Needing" to be alone is just as much of an insecurity as "needing" a relationship. She doesn't sound like she's up to par. I'd keep my options wide open at this point.

[seo]

Hi Guys:

I was online (I deleted her from my msn to avoid contact but she can still see me) and she said hi. So I responded to her. I didn’t talk about the relationship at all – as you guys suggested. Our conversation is below. Can you guys have a look and let me know your thoughts? At the end, she said that she missed me. But I didn’t say anything back. Do you guys think I should text her back and say I also miss her?

She also asked what I’ve been up to. I said that I went on a cruise to let her know I’ve been busy. She asked if it was a date and I said not to go there.. think I responded OK? Do you guys think I have the edge now and something to work with? How can turn this to my advantage?


------------------------------------------------

Her: are you there?

Me: hey

Her: how are you?

Me: I'm good.. how are u?

Her: I may be getting promoted

Me: really.. thats awesome... to what?

Her: I know, nothing for sure, the girl just gave her 2 weeks, and I am up for her position, which means higher status, more money and I would work mon-fri

Me: nice... im sure that you will get it... no more weekends :)

Her: I don't know... if I don't, I will LOSE IT!

Me: I know, that would be so great to have a normal schedule again; one step at a time... if not this one, the next

Her: it is the same job I did for 3 years; I HAVE TO GET IT!

Me: YOU WILL

Her: so what is new?

Me: not too much... I went on a boat cruise yesturday...

Her: really? That's nice, where?

Me: it was fun.. the ones by my place

Her: on a date?. lol

Me: funny... lets not go there for now OK

Her: I know... I am seriously kidding; I really like that pic by the way

Me: thanks... are you heading to the cottage tomorrow?

Her: no.. staying home, I have to work Monday, a friend of mine from Newmarket is coming to visit me tomorrow, that's about it

Me: you work tomorrow then?

Her: yup... stuppid friggin' life

Me: you love it; when is the big move?

Her: well, August. 1st, which is a Saturday, but I am going to see if they let us in a couple days early... it is empty right now, and that way we don't move on the long weekend

Me: you mussssssst be excited...

Her: well, kind of, but now I am nervous... I am not sure about living with someone now

Me: that's normal

Her: I forsee problems

Me: lol... youre never sure about anything are u

Her: so true... I am never sure, well I am sure about something's, I just make the wrong decisions

Me: why are you not sure about it

Her: everything right now, I think Lisa and I are too different

Me: I told you that

Her: I know... but it is worth a try

Me: take sometime for yourself with your family... free rent and enjoy your freedom

Her: I am more concerned she will have a hard time living with me, I think I would be a difficult person to live with; in fact.. I know I am

Me: I can see that :)

Her: shut it! No really, do you think so

Me: that you would be hard to live with?

Her: yes

Me: umm... yes and no...

Her: your easy going so no...

Me: haha... safe answer

Her: then, what is the no part

Me: I think that you guys are too diff though

Her: I know.and I like to go out a lot, she doesn't at all; and I like to drink with my friends, and she doesn't drink at all; and I am very peticular and knida bossy

Me: your at diff stages in your life.. honestly.. of she and hey boyfriend work out... then... he will be there all the time

Her: I KNOW!!

Me: but I told you this

Her: God, I don't know if I can take him all the time; oh well, I am out most nights, so I won't see them

Me: lol; good way to put it

Her: I thought so... :P; I better go, I have to blow dry my hair

Me: OK... talk to you later

Her: I miss you; sorry I had to say that

(I DID NOT REPSOND! - she waited a thirty seconds to see what I would say I think - then went offline)

[s_cianci]

Me: funny... lets not go there for now OK

A better response would have been: "Of course ; what would you expect?"
If she asked "with whom" and you were in fact stag, then you respond "with my 3 favorite people." When she asks "who are they?", you say "me, myself and I."

Me: that you would be hard to live with?

Her: yes

Me: umm... yes and no...

A better response here would have been a flat-out "yes." It sounds like she needs someone to give her some constructive criticism on how she relates to other people and this was a golden opportunity to give her some. She does indeed sound like a difficult person - certainly not someone I'd want to have a relationship with. As a friend you could have possibly helped to straighten her out. Until someone does she's going to continue having a very unhappy life. By the way, how old is she? I believe you mentioned in a previous post that you're in your 30s. Frankly this person sounds way too immature for someone in their 30s. If I didn't know better I'd think she was a teenager, judging from this conversation.

[seo]

She is 28 and does not really know what she wants out of everything I think. I was told to not critazize her. I’ve done that many times – about not knowing what she wants in life. I do care about her though and will give her space. I just wanted to make sure that I handled it right. Do you think I should have said I miss her also?

[valinors_sorrow]

I don't think sorting through all the details is really what is needed here. You both sound like two friends talking which is fine. What is needed is for you to be clear on where you are. If I were you, after how I was dealt with, I would not want her back so while the encounters would be polite, they no longer would be very personal or of any great concern to me since she is an ex. I rarely would consider taking an ex back too since if its worth breaking up over, it tends to be worth staying broken up over too. I really just don't think true love misses the boat so easily that it would ever come down to looking at... did I do right in a brief, almost meaningless email exchange but maybe I am missing something here?

[seo]

I agree. But at the end, she said that she missed me. I did not respond back. I know her and what's going on in her mind right now. She is having doubts about her decision. Should I say that I miss her also – but give her space, like I'm doing? I'm worried that not saying I miss her back, when she said it, will tell her that I don't care I guess.

[valinors_sorrow]

Forget all the he said, she said crapola! Do you or don't you care? And if so, why? I am not asking to hear those answers but suggesting you listen to yourself answering them. You don't know where you are and I think you need to know that and the sooner the better too LOL. For me, I would not go there with the miss you's simply because I think it opens up stuff and I don't like being dumped and then checked out for possibilities later -- call me prideful but that hits me as ugh. I don't have a "lover waiting in the wings as back up" category.

[seo]

I do care about her a lot. And think of her everyday. But you guys said to not let her know that and to give her space. That’s what I’m doing.

Do you guys think I should say that I miss her – but continue to give her space?

[talaniman]

When you give someone space you leave them alone and move on with your life and begin the healing process. You will never have a clear head as long as you play around with you ex. Leave her be to find out what she wants.