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froggy14 · Jan 14, 2009, 09:16 AM

About a month and a half ago I met this amazing girl. She really is one of the best women I've met in years. She's attractive, thoughtful, sweet, genuine and has a great heart/mind - pretty much what any guy would want in a female.
Now what's up:
I do find her attractive, but the few times we've had sex was a complete disappointment. I hate to say it, but it was pretty much the worst experience I've ever had with someone and every time I just wanted to get it over with. Now, I don't want to even be physical with her. I don't know what it is, it's like I was just turned off completely and now I just want to be her friend.
I've had bad sex in the past, but that was with girls I didn't really care about so it really didn't matter, because I figured there was no emotional connection. I really like this girl and want to keep her in my life, but this is really a hard thing for me to let go of and not care about. I really want to feel that passion and desire with her. I feel that if I ignore it and continue to deny it I may wind up in a relationship where I'll be wanting other people.

What the heck do I do? Or What should I say to her? Is she better as a friend? She's so damn nice, how do I tell her without sounding like a complete jerk?

Thanks for reading.

teastalk · Jan 14, 2009, 11:28 AM

I suggest talking to her about it. Maybe you guys can work it out. I have no idea what would make the sex better for you, only you know yourself. You can tell her all the sweet things you said about her at the top of your post. If you want to keep her forever, I'd say things are best left as friends, since you say that you think you'll be wanting other people if you try the sexual component to the relationship with her. What about the sex was bad? I'm confused. Sorry.

ZoeMarie · Jan 14, 2009, 11:32 AM

It sounds to me like there's no chemistry. It happens. My brother just went through this with his last girlfriend. I don't know how far they got, not my business but he was pretty tore up about breaking up with such a sweet girl. Tell her how you feel before the guilt sets in.

chrissymarie · Jan 15, 2009, 03:12 PM

What exactly is wrong with the sex?

nike 1 · Jan 15, 2009, 03:57 PM

Just a thought, but maybe you need to take your time with the sex and keep focusing on the relationship. A month and a half is not a long time to develop a deep sexual relationship. Perhaps you need time to feel more comfortable with her. I felt exactly the same way when I met my girlfriend. She pressured me for sex but I wasn't ready. It took a while for me to feel more comfortable with her. After a while, we were having the greatest sex ever! And continue to. It always get better and we continue to amp it up with new things all the time. Could be you will have that with her also, I think you should give it more time. At least all of the other qualities are there, which are often times so hard to find.

froggy14 · Jan 16, 2009, 07:33 AM

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

what exactly is wrong with the sex?

Forgive me for the details if it offends anyone.
I don't want to seem like a jerk, but she moves awkwardly/out of sync and it turns me off so much that I lose interest in it. I've tried to encourage and guide her to move in a particular rhythm or way, but she's not as petite of a girl that I'm used to, so it makes it quite difficult to maneuver and position her.
I've tried missionary, but she is not very flexible, so alternate angles are seemingly impossible to experiment with. Also, she doesn't seem like the kind of girl that I feel I can be "dirty" with. By "dirty" I mean open and spontanious about things.
It's weird, 'cause I always want sex, but it almost seems as if she's never had sex before, which can't be true because she had a boyfriend for 6 years.

What do I do? I like her, but it's not happening. Does it really take that much time to feel the need to want someone sexually? If so, I've never experienced it.

froggy14 · Jan 16, 2009, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by nike 1

Just a thought, but maybe you need to take your time with the sex and keep focusing on the relationship. A month and a half is not a long time to develop a deep sexual relationship. Perhaps you need time to feel more comfortable with her. I felt exactly the same way when I met my girlfriend. She pressured me for sex but I wasn't ready. It took a while for me to feel more comfortable with her. After a while, we were having the greatest sex ever! And continue to. It always get better and we continue to amp it up with new things all the time. Could be you will have that with her also, I think you should give it more time. At least all of the other qualities are there, which are often times so hard to find.

You're right, I do believe in waiting and seeing if it will coalesce.
Yes, the other qualities are there and they are undenibly important, but is it possible
To have a relationship that is emotionally/spiritually connected while, at the same time,
Physically unsatisfying? I'm not sure if I'm they type of person who can just ignore that, because I feel it's another huge part of connecting with a person. But, I do realize that I'm getting older and this quality of a person is getting even more rare.

I don't know.

froggy14 · Jan 16, 2009, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

It sounds to me like there's no chemistry. It happens. My brother just went through this with his last girlfriend. I don't know how far they got, not my business but he was pretty tore up about breaking up with such a sweet girl. Tell her how you feel before the guilt sets in.

Thanks for your insight

nike 1 · Jan 16, 2009, 08:06 AM

Give it time and practice! You are two different people with two different ways of doing things. Maybe she is thinking the same thing. It takes time to coordinate. I wouldn't try throwing too much "dirty" stuff in yet. Over time you two will evolve into all that. For now just try to enjoy it without thinking of her movements so much. One thing that can ruin having great sex is thinking about it while doing it. And I wouldn't talk with her about this! The last thing she needs is to be thinking she's not moving right while in the act. Try this, bend her over, grab her hips and you control the movement. You will get there! Don't give up on a woman such as her!

chrissymarie · Jan 16, 2009, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by froggy14

What do I do? I like her, but it's not happening. Does it really take that much time to feel the need to want someone sexually? If so, I've never experienced it.

It seems to me that she does not enjoy sex. I used to feel this way until I found a lover who actually wanted to take the time to show me how to enjoy sex and stoppped letting me fake it to get it over with. Just because she may have been having sex for 6 years doesn't mean she was really enjoying it or participating. She may just have been one of those women who lay on their back and don't move until its over. So any movement from her at all is really a great improvement to her but awkward to you.

I would change my expectations from this woman and be more communicative during sex. More kissing and foreplay will help her better get turned on. Treat her like a virgin. I mean how bad can it really be if your still ejaculating at te end?

nike 1 · Jan 16, 2009, 09:28 AM

I would change my expectations from this woman and be more communicative during sex. More kissing and foreplay will help her better get turned on. Treat her like a virgin. I mean how bad can it really be if your still ejaculating at te end?[/QUOTE]

This is a good point. Communicate more love into the act through exploring this woman. Take your time and enjoy her. That will communicate so much more to her than words. Foreplay, kissing, massaging, play some nice music (suggestion-David Gilmore-"On an Island"). Make those times passionate! She will never forget it and will losen up to you more and more.

nike 1 · Jan 16, 2009, 09:30 AM

By the way, The quote was from crissymarie. Not sure how to add quotes properly yet.

cnfsd in miami · Mar 12, 2009, 04:40 AM

Dude I am in the same predicament with my girl now. Its to the point where I'm forced to think of my ex's. I've had great chemistry with them in the past. I am starting to realize that it might not work for her and I. its been almost 2 years with her and the next step is to move in together. I don't want to get trapped. Eventually, I will cheat on her. Take it from me, if it isn't there, it isn't there. Just move on. Let her be happy with someone else, and you deserve the same. I know what your going through and I feel the same. Its healthy and best for you both. Don't start to get the anxiety, stress and lack of gratification that I'm feeling now. Do what's right. I've pretty much made up my mind as well. Take it easy.

artlady · Mar 12, 2009, 05:08 AM

I always find it odd that we can share the most intimate physical act with someone but get all embarrassed when we have to talk about it.Ironic ,don't you think?

I think if there were real chemistry,the awkwardness of her movements would not be important. Feeling good sexually is not about a wonderful performance.

Perhaps this girl is just going to be a good friend.Perhaps that is all it was meant to be.

If you want to pursue this as a relationship,there are numerous books out there about Tantric sex.
Tantra deals with emotion and sensuality and many couples have found it to greatly enhance their sex lives.

You can broach the subject and say you have an interest in this because it is an entire mind body/spiritual connection and you want to try.You are not accusing her of poor performance and it is to both of your advantage to give this a try.

froggy14 · Mar 13, 2009, 11:45 AM

Hey folks,
Thanks so much for the feedback! Well, on a sad note, I let her go. However, I did make it clear to her how I enjoy her friendship. I know, I know "let's just be friends" is a trite answer to the situation, but I do really like her as a person, she's really great, but not for me. You know, the more I thought about her, the more I realized that I really just didn't feel 'it' with her. I don't know why, but it's just something that I didn't feel in my heart and I had to be honest with her and myself by letting her go. I've remained friends with her, so far it's been OK, so we'll see how that works out.

jfo · Jan 25, 2010, 06:00 AM

Originally Posted by nike 1

Give it time and practice! You are two different people with two different ways of doing things. Maybe she is thinking the same thing. It takes time to coordinate. I wouldn't try throwing too much "dirty" stuff in yet. Over time you two will evolve into all that. For now just try to enjoy it without thinking of her movements so much. One thing that can ruin having great sex is thinking about it while doing it. And I wouldn't talk with her about this! The last thing she needs is to be thinking she's not moving right while in the act. Try this, bend her over, grab her hips and you control the movement. You will get there! Don't give up on a woman such as her!

I agree, if you tell her that she hasn't been moving her hips right than she will be focused on that. Not good. Maybe show her - be the teacher of what you want. I was with someone for many years, it was passionate, no mental relationship though. Just recently I found someone to whom I had mental relationship, the physical was not there initially either, he grew on me and we learned together what each other liked.