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WI_Girl · Jan 4, 2009, 03:03 PM

Let me preface this by saying I'm 24 and I have my BSE degree. I am also a "conservative" Christian and an only child.

I went to college at my church body's worker training school and fell in love with a guy who was training to be a pastor. He was three years my senior. We dated throughout my freshman year. I was always hesitant to take our relationship physical but he pretty much ignored my protests and took it there anyway (yes, I know now that I should have got out then). It got worse. The next summer (I was 19, he was 21), he sort of did oral on me even though I was telling him to stop (I would have like kicked him or yelled or something except we were at his parents house and I was afraid of getting into trouble, stupid I know). I was goaded into returning the favor. I told him that I didn't want to continue but he always goaded me into it, even though I felt guilty the entire time. He tried to talk me into intercourse but I fought him on that and won. We broke up the next summer.

It has been five years now since the trouble began and I am now finally ready to try this whole dating thing again, but this event is haunting me. I'm trying not to let it. I have told my best friend and one of my really good guy friends about what really went on but I can't bring myself to tell anyone else. Meanwhile, I'm concerned about what to do if I get into a relationship and if it gets serious, do I tell the guy what transpired? Then there's the question of if I'm actually still a virgin. I would like to keep what's left of my "virginity" intact until I get married (and I'm sort of petrified about losing it, mostly because it's really going to hurt). Not to mention the fact that I'm not going to seek counseling within my church body or from my pastor because it's a small synod and I don't want any of this to come out.

I need help.

Starbucks21 · Jan 4, 2009, 03:14 PM

I think counseling may be the healthiest option

And to be honest I don't think any future boyfriend would be asking about what you did with your past bfs to that extent... if it does come up tell them what you just told us...

letmetellu · Jan 4, 2009, 03:18 PM

I am very sorry for what happened to you. I do have to tell you though that this is a way that a guy will treat a girl to get his way with them. I can't say that is is not partially your fault that it happened, because like you said you didn't say anything while it was happenng because you were at his parents house and you didn't want to get into trouble.

You can remain a virgin as long as you want to because you are now older and smarter and will not fall for that same trick again.

As far as what guys will think of you that is something you should not worry about because in today's society what you two did is not considered anything out of the usual, for a dating couple. But I also ask you why would you tell anyone that you were going to date what you had done in the past. And since this was in the past let it stay in the past. Find you some guy that you can love for the rest of your life, one that will not put any demands on you until you are ready, and if the time comes when you are ready to take the next step don't let the past mess up a life with someone you want to marry.

Choux · Jan 5, 2009, 10:52 AM

Since religion means so much to you, I recommend that you go see a Christian therapist who can help you deal with your feelings. :)

AND, future boyfriends and a husband don't have to know ANYTHING about your sexual past.

TexasParent · Jan 5, 2009, 12:14 PM

As Christian and a Human Being you should know that we all have regrets about what we should have done differently. Everyone has these moments in their lives. You know God has forgiven you, so it's about forgiving yourself for being human and not always making the right decision at the moment.

Your future boyfriend will understand if he is of the spirit of forgiveness and is truly a Christian who also understands human fraility.

Furthermore, sex and virginity aren't only physical they are spiritual and while I personally don't think you lost your physical virginity. I am CERTAIN you didn't lose your spiritual virginity.

What you have to offer your future husband is pure as it will be in the spirit of love towards each other and with the intimacy that goes with it; not the simple lustful moment of your past.

Your discipline is remarkable, but remember none of us is perfect. The gift of yourself to your future husband remains pure.

bpmystic · Jan 14, 2009, 06:47 AM

That's all you're worried about? You're a huge catch, feel proud. I'm trying to find a girl that hasn't slept with the entire football and baseball team. Feel good about yourself. You have morals. So you had a weird/bad experience. Big deal. Everybody does.

smoothy · Jan 14, 2009, 07:26 AM

Boyfriends don't need to know everything in your life, and shouldn't... now a husband, that is different.

bpmystic · Jan 14, 2009, 08:38 AM

Really, you don't think that your boyfriend/girlfriend needs to know everything? I've been wondering about that myself. So I shouldn't tell my girlfriend I'm bipolar? Until I'm serious about marrying her, if we ever get that far?

smoothy · Jan 14, 2009, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by bpmystic

Really, you don't think that your boyfriend/girlfriend needs to know everything? I've been wondering about that myself. So I shouldn't tell my girlfriend I'm bipolar? Until I'm serious about marrying her, if we ever get that far?

Basically... if you are casually dating they don't need to know all the intimate details of your llife. Once things get serious and marriage is on the table then it might be time to discuss certain other things... some things should remain until after you are married.

chrissymarie · Jan 14, 2009, 09:18 AM

Losing your virginity shouldn't REALLY HURT. I don't understand why you think that. Coming to grips with the truth that sex can be a beautiful positive thing will probably help solve your problems.

becky34 · Jan 14, 2009, 09:46 AM

Well my theory is that maybe a small explanation of what happened since you have some trauma about it would be nice so they could possibly help you to work through that and understand not everyone is like that.. there are a few bad seeds and not all men are that way.. and I don't mean share it with him on the first date but at a point when you feel comfortable enough with him then let him know a little bit and see how that goes... you don't have to tell him but it would add that closeness if you felt he could be trusted with that info...

endofmyrope · Feb 10, 2009, 06:32 AM

There is no rule that says it WILL hurt first time. It didn't for me. If you have masturbated beforehand it should help. Also, you might find that if you meet the right man you will want to tell him everything about you. When the time comes you simply will or won't tell him depending on how comfortable you are and you shouldn't feel guilty either way!