What do I tell any future BFs?
Let me preface this by saying I'm 24 and I have my BSE degree. I am also a "conservative" Christian and an only child.
I went to college at my church body's worker training school and fell in love with a guy who was training to be a pastor. He was three years my senior. We dated throughout my freshman year. I was always hesitant to take our relationship physical but he pretty much ignored my protests and took it there anyway (yes, I know now that I should have got out then). It got worse. The next summer (I was 19, he was 21), he sort of did oral on me even though I was telling him to stop (I would have like kicked him or yelled or something except we were at his parents house and I was afraid of getting into trouble, stupid I know). I was goaded into returning the favor. I told him that I didn't want to continue but he always goaded me into it, even though I felt guilty the entire time. He tried to talk me into intercourse but I fought him on that and won. We broke up the next summer.
It has been five years now since the trouble began and I am now finally ready to try this whole dating thing again, but this event is haunting me. I'm trying not to let it. I have told my best friend and one of my really good guy friends about what really went on but I can't bring myself to tell anyone else. Meanwhile, I'm concerned about what to do if I get into a relationship and if it gets serious, do I tell the guy what transpired? Then there's the question of if I'm actually still a virgin. I would like to keep what's left of my "virginity" intact until I get married (and I'm sort of petrified about losing it, mostly because it's really going to hurt). Not to mention the fact that I'm not going to seek counseling within my church body or from my pastor because it's a small synod and I don't want any of this to come out.
I need help.