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Verbal Abuse from manic depressive wife
It is becoming more and more apparent that my wife is manic depressive, she has recently admitted to this herself, but, is unwilling to seek help.
I try to understand what it is that makes her this way, and there is several reasons for the current lapse into depression, but it seems like there’s always something making her lose control and it’s becoming harder and harder to take the verbal abuse that I receive from her. The most concerning thing for me is that she does it in front of our 2 year old daughter. She tells be she hates me and wants a divorce, she abuses me verbally, she puts me down, tells me how useless I am, and tries to control everything. I believe that I am not a bad person and a good father, I love my daughter more than anything in the whole world and spend as much time with her as I possibly can, which still doesn't seem to be enough in the eyes of my wife. I work hard to support them, but, try to balance it so that I get quality time with my daughter, and also to give my wife some time out. I’ve thought about leaving her many time, but, I couldn’t bare to be away from my daughter, and I also believe that I need to be there to make sure my daughter doesn’t get the rough end of her depressive mood swings. I also believe that it would be better for my daughter to have 2 parents to support and guide her. I think most of all though, I probably wouldn’t stand a chance of winning custody of my daughter if I do leave, so I usually figure that I’ll take the abuse just so I make sure I continue to be there for her. I’ve tried to talk to my wife about this but she is extremely stubborn, and I don’t even think she realizes how abusive she is. I don’t really have anybody to talk to about this and I don’t know where to turn, I would appreciate any help or advise I can get. |
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 Originally Posted by gdvass
I bet it's rough but if you love her you'll stay and she will one day come around. I finally did! |
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She is only like this with me, as far as anybody else is concerned she is a very sweet person, they don't see the bad side of her. She will do anything for anybody else, but, I'm scared to ask her to do anything for me for fear of upsetting her.
She has been through a lot over the past few years, her mom died suddenly about 3 years ago and she seems to have bottled it up, I never recall her grieving, and just recently she found out that her mothers death was suicide, this being the reason for the current mood swing. I know all of this has a massive amount to do with they way she is, but she refuses to get help and I've ran out of things to say to her, plus it's very hard to bring it up for fear of her taking it the wrong way. |
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Originally Posted by gdvass
There is one thing you can do to show her how nasty she can get. Get hold of a couple of camcorders and place them where you normally sit or argue. Once you have the video footage show her on the TV and if she wants to sort herself out, she will see the error of her ways. Again having the footage is good if you want to fight for your daughter, as you can use this as evidence against her. No child should be brought up in an environment such as yours. When I was 4 and my parents marriage broke down, my grandfather took me to live with him. Later my mum took me back and we went from hostel to hostel. My father never bothered with me, he had a new family. I hate him so much, yet I still love him. But I can't ever forgive him not fighting for me, even if he didn't want to be with my mum, he should have bothered with regular visits. You need to ask yourself: Do you want your daughter to grow up hating you? Do you love this woman? I'm 26 this year, I left home at the age of 6. |
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Seek help through your family doctor. There may be a way to coax your wife into seeking help that has not occurred to you. Bipolar is a very treatable illness. If she is still unwilling to seek help, please do what is necessary to protect you and your child. Mental illness is never a valid reason for tolerating abuse.
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Originally Posted by gdvass
Your wife may feel guilt about how she treats you at some point. If she is mentally ill, she is really not in control of her behavior. If she begins to threaten suicide, you might possibly be able to get her committed to a hospital to get her help. I believe getting someone committed can be difficult to do. Maybe she would be open to getting family counseling, with both of you present. |
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If your wife only is like this around you, it seems unlikely that she is manic-depressive. Generally speaking, if a person is manic-depressive they suffer extreme mood swings, in which the depressive state (usually lasting 2 weeks or more) is consistent. There are ongoing thoughts of death and/or suicide, daily insomnia & lack of energy, a definable depressed mood. As I said, these symptoms would last 2 weeks or even more! It's not something that she could turn off and on in front of others. It would be noticeable.
The other side of it is the manic state. During the manic state (which lasts for at least one week) she would be more talkative than usual, her attention would be drawn to trivial items, she might engage in bad business investments, high risk sexual behaviour, wild spending sprees, her self esteem would be highly inflated, and she might suffer from racing thoughts. Generally speaking the depressed state would have a detrimental effect on her social life, family life, her job if she has one... basically all areas of her life. It would be noticeable. This really doesn't sound like what you are expressing. I wionder if she is suffering from post-partum depression, general depression, or she is just plain unhappy in your marriage. She could also have a thyroid condition which is a physiological problem that can be so easily treated it would be a shame to end a marriage because of it. It kind of struck me that you said that you try to understand, you are a good person and father, you love your daughter more than anything in the world, you work hard to support them... but not once did you say that you loved your wife! Is it possible that she is hurt or angry because she just doesn't feel loved? I also noted that she seems to be blaming you with not spending enough time with your daughter which makes me even more suspicious of a long standing post partum issue. I think the first step is that you should arrange a sitter for the baby, take your wife out for dinner and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Express your concern, and wonder if there may be a medical reason (such as a thyroid condition). If you still love her but you are just unhappy, you need to tell her that. Ask her why she thinks you are feeling the way you are. Don't react... just LISTEN and repeat her words in a slightly different way so she knows you are hearing her. If you don't love her, then you need to tell her that you are not feeling like you love her anymore and you both need to figure out where to go from here and how to do it in such a way as to cause the least amount of harm to your daughter. I would definitely try to play on the medical side of things with her, it's far less threatening. After the discussion, mull things over. If you still feel it's a mental health issue then you need to speak to your family physician... hopefully with her. Then you can go from there. I do agree with a previous posting that suggested that your daughter will be affected by this. You and your wife both need to keep this in mind. Remember, your goal is not to blame or accuse your wife, but to be loving and supportive and eager to resolve the issue. I have a feeling that this is an issue that is not as severe as you imagine it to be, and that you CAN move past it... especially if you truly love your wife. Good luck! Didi |
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Hello my name is Joanie,
I came upon this site while searching for verbal abuse and non child support information for my sister in law. I read your question and the first answer and I was upset for many reasons. I am not an educated professional in this area. Please keep an open mind and do not make decisions solely by what I have to say. My first piece of advice is "Do not take any advice from answer #1" I believe she was trying to help you and that was nice of her. Now back to you and your daughter. No one deserves to be abused, not even for one minute. You and your daughter are being abused by your wife. Stop the cycle now. Your daughter's brain is developing. She should be in a safe environment where everyone is treated with mutual love, trust and respect. Everyone in the house needs to be consistent. If your daughter is exposed to something scary or confusing. It's you and your wife's responsibility to explain the situation to your daughter. Please ask a professional for help. Don't ever be embarrassed to tell your child you need help with a situation or help answering a question. Remember to reassure her that you will always keep her safe. Talk to her pediatrician about the situation and ask the doctor for help explaining it to your daughter. The doctor should also give you more contact information and literature to read. If the doctor doesn't take you seriously, find another doctor. You should speak to your doctor regarding what is happening with you and your wife. My recommendation is call your primary care doctors and explain the situation to them. If you don't feel you are being taken seriously change doctors. Remember you should always be treated with respect. You are special. You are beautiful. You matter. You're a great dad. You're a great husband. Tell yourself everyday that no one is better than you. You are the only one who is going to take care of you. If you are not OK, you can't help your daughter. If something doesn't feel right it isn't. Always do your research, read, read, read! Smart is only one person knowing more than another person. You can learn about anything you want at the public library. Take your daughter with you. Make a day of it, pack a lunch and go to the park. You can have a picnic and read a book to her. Children have to love reading or they will not advance. You may want to think about having your child evaluated at Children't Hospital in Boston, MA. They are the best! Goodnight, Joanie |
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I think you should approach her calmly with how worried you are about her unhappiness and her unhappiness with you along with her mood swings and ask her if she would attend couples counseling with you.
You need to sort out the issues here, it's complicated. She is going to hurt your daughter very much unless you can get an intervention here. Best wishes, |
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Originally Posted by gdvass
First of all I am really sorry to hear about your situation. But my advice to you would be research, research, research. If you could find some lawyers that are free or affordable, maybe ones who are still studying it in schools or a non-profit organization that deals with abusive family troubles or mental problems you might be able to not only understand her condition more, and help you emotionally. But also find out what your rights are legally. If it is in fact true that your wife is abusive to you and her mental condition can be proven, I can't imagine that legally she would have a better chance of having custody over you ! Anyway, I hope that helps ! I am possibly having similar problems myself. Read my post on Bi-Polar investigation if you feel like reading someone else's problems to forget your own or learn from theirs. Good Luck and take care, Brit Betty ! |
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I have been in this same siuation for 25 years.
The courts always favor the woman which makes sense since a majority of males have trditionally screwed it up for those of us that really love being a father and husband. You can't leave your children with her and leave anyway because she will only turn her rage to them in your absence. She may even turn it on another lover that does not have the maturity and restraint you have and it could be horrible for the children. Unfortunately, divorcing their mother also takes a toll when the children have to choose and understand. Whether the mother is unstable or not, typically her security in the children's eyes and hearts is if she is normal. Typically the children believe that the man is strongest and can survive outside the marriage but not the mother. Security\protection outside the home they have come to believe will protect them is the only domain they want their mother in while dad can adapt anywhere. The only way is to suck it up and give up that piece of your life for the children or record everything she does for the courtroomm battle for their lives. Lastly: 1. She will have to have a work history 2. You can never have raised you hand to her or the children. 3. You can not have a current substance issue or a recreational substance issue. 4. The cost if she fights will drain both of you dry and impact the children's future financially. 5. The only real wins in this is that you will set the example of how not to take emotional abuse. Th children will still have their mother and in time be old enough to make their own decision of where they want to live. 6. The vow of for better or worse is not just for the church goers to believe this is real but it is the foundation for the legal contract (partnership) you signed. 7. Good luck with getting it better, I had no such luck in 25 years. She\we went to a Therapist, Priest, Lawyers and Doctors. |
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We get out of life what we put into it. Try loving, caring for
Her and your daughter and think only good lovning thoughts about her. If any bad or evil comes from her, forgive her, just say your sorry and drop it, do not argue, doin't let any evil or Bad things she says get to you, just love her. Let only good come from you. It takes two or more to fight or orgue so don' let yourself do it. Keep thinking on good and how nice it will be when she has only good and loving thoughts and deeds come from her. Be what you would like her to be to you. Try it! She might like it. And you too. Maggie 3 |
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Manic depression, bi-polar, situational anxiety, post-partum, etc. are all serious conditions that affect the entire family.
No two people have the exact symptoms, and it could very well be a condition that has been brought about by any one or more of the above. You cannot measure exactly what some will, and some won't do, with the same condition. There is a level of control to any of the above. Like an abuser of another sort, i.e. physical abuser, does not beat the crap out of his wife in the middle of the shopping centre (as a rule). He is an abuser, but saves his anger until he can safely vent it. Likewise, a depressed person who has a sudden visitor at the door, or a phone call from the boss, will not receive the brunt end of what, just moments ago, took place against the husband. The abuse is the result of the condition, unchecked and unmedicated. It is not a fault of the person dishing out the abuse per se. We all know that we take our worst moods out on those that love us, and tolerate our behaviour. Even children behave differently with their kindergarten teacher than at home with mom. I once asked the teacher to point out my child because I thought she had her mixed up with some other kid. Anyway, it is imperative that she have a physical checkup, blood work, etc. and a good professional analysis to direct you (and her) on the best course of action. One size does not fit all, but it has to start with a visit to the doctor. |
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Originally Posted by Maggie 3
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It sounds like she needs to deal with the situation with her mother. Her mother was probably very sick and she was exposed to that her whole life, probably afraid that she would kill herself, and she did. Every fear she had came true. She cannot trust that she is not the same person. She is dealing daily with anxiety about who she is and whether she is a proper mother and wife, not to mention the fear of losing you both. You have to do everything you can to understand what is happening in her head. Your daughter and wife deserve that, if you really love them and want the best. Doctors are abusing these cases by over prescribing pharama and not actually helping the individual. Go to a Dr. who will take time to work through you personal experience. This is what you have to do if you really love. You have to realize that no marriage is perfect and it takes time, love and patience. We are all human with different human experiences that affect us all differently. If you stick through through this and truly try your daughter will be stronger from it. If you just leave her, your daughter will one day be trying to deal with her own issuses and realize, or think, that no love is strong enough to stay with someone who is unwell. Why bother, I have my life to live... maybe not true, but think of her perspective... am I crying too much, standing up for myself too much. She could find herself holding back and not being open with her partner due to fear of being left. It's an on going cycle that we as a society must resolve in a loving way, not a selfish way. Your wife is probably this way because her mother was never helped. Only now has society considered doing more than putting these women away, or filling them up with medication. You must play a part in saving these people not just your marriage. You can be the hero or the coward. Who are you and what are you willing to do for your FAMILY? It will be long and hard process, but you will save your daughter's life and hopefully yours and your wife's. This is serious and needs complete attention. If she sees you care so much she will begin to trust you, which could be for the first time. You may have to sacrifice a few days with your buddies, but isn't it worth it? You decide how you want to look back at this. If she had cancer and was strange due to the medicine, would you leave her? It's no different, she is sick and needs help.
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It won't get better and eventually you won't be able to tolerate anymore of her abusive bull ****! You will reach the breaking point and buckle under the stress that all her years of abuse has caused you! No matter how much you love your child and think you should stay in this crap relationship it's not worth it. TRUST ME!! I will share my own experience - For 25 + years I have lived with a verbally abusive wife who has no regard for my feelings and will say terrible, random things to me in front of my son. It's not about being over sensitive or being a wuss either. This is serious hard core male bashing with mean intention. All the women in her family starting with her mother and sisters are mentally sick too so it's a genetic misfortune but that does not mean it's okay! Just reading your post reminded me of myself over the years, living the same nightmare, - being codependent, and believing she would eventually get better. WRONG!! This is a train ride that you really need to bail off NOW! Don't worry about your daughter - She would be better off with the two of you separated instead of together! Just the fact that your wife feels comfortable verbally abusing you in front of your daughter will lead to serious disrespect issues later on. Your daughter will not think of you as strong but rather weak thanks to your wife. You really need to search your feelings and act soon!
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