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blair1684 · Jan 6, 2009, 07:22 AM

I need some advice, my ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for around 9 months now. He had a new girlfriend for 3 months until just recently. He saw me out around 4 weeks ago and has tried to remain in contact with me ever since. Ill admit I did talk to him but I quickly told him I could not continue talking to him while he was with someone else.

After I said that he called and asked to speak with me he told me that he broke up with his girlfriend, because ever since he saw me that night he couldn't stop thinking of me and felt that he was wasting his time with this girl if all he could think of was me. He also said that he missed me and he missed the way things were. At first I thought he might want to try again, but what made me think twice is that he also said he wants to be alone right now because he wants to get his life in order. I never once during this conversation said anything about us being together again. He was the one who kept bringing it up. He said he wants to get together as friends and hangout.

Im just not sure what to think of this. I know I should run the other way but it just seems to me for the first time in so long he really seemed sincere and that he does miss me. I know its sounds crazy but I just feel like there's stills something between us. I just don't know why any guy would feel the need to make things right with his ex. Its like as soon as I told him to stop talking to me he wanted me even more. If he really didn't care wouldn't he have been happy that I said that and just went on with his life.

I would just like to know what your opinions are on this, sorry for the long post. HE broke up with me in May and started dating this girl in September.

kctiger · Jan 6, 2009, 07:25 AM

Why did you two break up? If nothing has changed, nothing will change. It will be all good for a month or two, then everything will fall apart once again.

thadevilsadvocate · Jan 6, 2009, 08:20 AM

Right now, you need to think about WHAT YOU WANT and HOW YOU FEEL. What he is saying or doing, doesn't matter. Remember when you first met and you started relationship... I'm sure he was really sincere then as well... but look how it all wound up.

It shouldn't have taken him seeing you, in order for him to realize his love for you. If he hadn't seen you and he wasn't broken up with his girlfriend, you may have never heard from him again. So, I'm not so sure that his words and feelings are sincere. They may be, but do you really want to subject yourself to the risk again?

He said he needs to be alone to sort out his life, and that sounds like he has baggage. You don't need to get involved with baggage and you need to remember that he left you. Keep moving on with your life, and after he sorts out his life, if he comes back and you still have feelings then you may reconsider then.

KertAllikvee · Jan 6, 2009, 08:44 AM

Well.. it depend why did you broke up... and do you have feelings for him? If uou still have feelings then let him know and see what happens... If he wants to be just friends then be just friends.. but maybe he told stuff like that just to stay covered.. Guys do that

Romefalls19 · Jan 6, 2009, 09:07 AM

What is the reason behind the break up? You two need to see who you are now, 3 months is a life time to be without the other, a lot can change in that time.

blair1684 · Jan 6, 2009, 09:09 AM

Hey thanks for the advice. We broke up because we were fighting a lot over stupid things. I'll admit I acted really immature, and I turned into one of those needy annoying girls. I just feel I really do care about him, and being apart really did make me realize how out of control I was acting. I really did learn from my mistakes and feel that if we gave it another chance it would be really great.

blair1684 · Sep 30, 2009, 03:27 PM

Hey everyone,
Me and my ex boyfriend got back together 10 months ago. This time around its been totally different for the good. We even just moved in together we bought furniture and all te other stuff that goes with that. His mail comes here and we even got a car together. Lately we've been fighting a lot some arguments are my fault some are his. The main thing that I do that I know ruins us is I give him a hard time when he wants to go out. I know I shouldn't but its like I can't control myself. Well last night he sadi he can't take it anymore and I have to be more trusting. He said he needs some space and that he wouldn't be coming home that night. We talked and he said he thinks he wants to break up until I show him that I won't be like that. He's been to the apt. while I'm at work and washed the dishes and changed the garbage, but he did not take out anything of his not even his clothes. I don't get that wouldn't that be the perfect time for him to do that while I wasent home? What do you think he's doing this for do you think it sounds for real or is he trying to show me what its going to be like if this continues. I haven't contacted him I haven't heard from him all day and I'm not going to contact him unitl he calls me. He said Thursday we can get dinner and that he needs some time alone. He keeps going back and forth and I just don't know what to think anymore. Any insight would be appreciated-thanks!

loopdub · Sep 30, 2009, 03:54 PM

Well if you moved in together and got a car and everything is changing for the better why would you give him a hard time just because he wants to go out. If he's going partyin that's different but maybe you should just shut the up and let things be good.

DerelictHerds · Sep 30, 2009, 03:55 PM

What did you two break up for the first time?

Was that the cause of the trust issues, or did something happen this time around that hurt your trust?

How well do you two communicate problems?

Sounds to me he's sick and tired of being smothered that he's threatening to break up if you don't give him space.

I wish · Sep 30, 2009, 04:17 PM

Threads merged to have complete story

On and off relationships are really difficult. Unless you've fixed the things that broke you up in the first place, you shouldn't really consider getting back together, because it's just going to blow up again.

Gemini54 · Sep 30, 2009, 07:34 PM

Sounds to me like he's giving you an ultimatum - shape up or he'll ship out.

Trying to analyse his behavior is deflecting you from the real issue - which is you. He's asking you to trust him and to behave like a reasonable person, and you're not.

Listen to what he's saying about how you behave. Nagging, controlling behavior does not enhance a relationship , it only detracts from it.

Take some time, with a counselor if necessary, to do some thinking about yourself and to learn some strategies for managing your impulses to control and nag. It's never too early or too late in life to do this and we can all benefit from self reflection.

When you see him, let him know that you're prepared to think about how you behave and that you're prepared to work on changing it. Then do it. It will benefit you now and it will benefit you in the future.

blair1684 · Oct 19, 2009, 02:49 PM

Hey I really can use some advice on my breakup Ive been so upset I'm even crying now as we speak. Me and my ex boyfriend reunited in Jan. after a 9mth breakup during that time he saw someone else I did not. He told me he loved me and was sorry and I took him back we started slow but things got very serious again very fast. By July he leased a car for me we got phones on a family plan, and just moved in together 2 months ago. He fully furnished the apt always went on and on how much he loved me and wanted to marry etc.

Since we moved in we've been fighting a lot. I think it was due to spending so much time together. He picked fights and so did I but through all that we always forgave each other and made up. The last fight we had was after spending a great weekend together that Monday he wanteed to watch football with his friends me as an idiot started a huge fight about it and he broke up with me. Within that week he completely moved out. I told him I loved him and Im sorry Ive even been seeing a therapist once a week to prove to him that I don't want all the arguments, and that I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him to be my sole source of happiness. I really am learning so much from this woman she's making eveerything so much clearer I wish I would have done this when were first got back together.

Its been 3 weeks since the breakup and he barely talks to me keeps going back and forth saying he has to see a change and then saying he can't do it, he'll regret it because it will happen again. He said Im just saying whatever to get him back. But Ive been making actions and serious changes to prevent myself from being like that. We are meeting for coffee tom. He said he really doesn't think he can go through all this again. I told please just let me show you Im different. I forgave him for so much I don't understand why he can't do the same for me.

In your opinions do you think he really is done? We've been though so much together and I really would hate for him to do this. I know I acted on changing a little to late but I know in my heart Ive learned from this like I said I know it's the second time but this therapist really helped me to change do you think he will see that? How can I get him too>

blair1684 · Oct 19, 2009, 03:14 PM

Any insight/advice... please Im dying here this is the hardest thing

Alty · Oct 19, 2009, 04:05 PM

I told him I loved him and Im sorry Ive even been seeing a therapist once a week to prove to him that I don't want all the arguments, and that I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him to be my sole source of happiness.

But you still are putting the pressure on, it's just that he doesn't have to deal with it anymore.

I forgave him for so much I don't understand why he can't do the same for me.

Probably because he's finally realized that you two can't make it work. He's tired of the fights and he's learned that he can't change you.

In your opinions do you think he really is done?

Sounds to me like he is. He's doing No contact and trying to move on from this relationship. It's time for you to do the same.

You can't live your life trying to change just to get him back. Therapy is a great idea, but do it for yourself, not for him.

You have to accept that it's over and move on. No, it's not easy, but it is doable.

Good luck.

rockie100 · Oct 19, 2009, 04:13 PM

Hard to say if he plans on returning to the relationship. Are there some options you have given him? Like living apart? Would he go with you to the therapist? Have you told him what exactly you plan on changing about yourself. Its great you have someone to talk things over with. If you can reach a place where you can be content with yourself, you might be able to see this situation clearer. You have already had a break up with him once before. As this isn't your first break up with him, there are already some cracks in the foundation of this relationship. Maybe it moved to fast for him the second time around. Had to be more than a football game with buds. (I must admit, I wouldn't come between a guy and his game time.) Take this time to work on yourself. Dry your tears often.

blair1684 · Oct 19, 2009, 04:16 PM

I told him I think we should live apart and we r obv. Not ready for that step so soon after reuniting. He just keeps acting so cold and impersonal to me.

Alty · Oct 19, 2009, 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by blair1684

I told him I think we should live apart and we r obv. not ready for that step so soon after reuniting. He just keeps acting so cold and impersonal to me.

Because he's done.

He's no longer responsible for your happiness. He's gone to No Contact, which is the wise thing to do after a break up.

You have to accept it and move on. That's the only thing you can do.

You can't force someone to want you as much as you want them.

blair1684 · Oct 19, 2009, 04:41 PM

But he hasent gone into nc every time I stop contacting him trying to give him space he calls me I even ignored all his calls and he keeps calling. Its because of me that we haven't really spoke I know I wasent ready to talk to him without pushing him away even more so I thought it was just better to say nothing at all. I told him I was seriously considering moving out of state to be closer to my sister and he got so angry told me that he thought I was going to go to therapy to make it work. He said if I move he will def. be done and never speak with me again. So I stayed and now its like every time I back off he shows interest but then I show the slightest signs of interest towards him and he acts like he's too good to talk to me like he's just so busy. He sending all these mixed signals one minute he says no the next he wants to see how therapy goes he even said he would go with me. He hasent said anything about the phones on the family plan or me driving the leased car either.

Gemini54 · Oct 19, 2009, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by blair1684

But he hasent gone into nc everytime I stop contacting him trying to give him space he calls me I even ignored all his calls n he keeps calling. Its bc of me that we havent really spoke I know I wasent ready to talk to him without pushing him away even more so I thought it was just better to say nothing at all. I told him I was seriously considering moving out of state to be closer to my sister and he got so angry told me that he thought I was gonna go to therapy to make it work. He said if I move he will def. be done and never speak with me again. So I stayed and now its like everytime I back off he shows interest but then I show the slightest signs of interest towards him and he acts like he's too good to talk to me like he's just so busy. He sending all these mixed signals one minute he says no the next he wants to see how therapy goes he even said he would go with me. He hasent said anything about the phones on the family plan or me driving the leased car either.

He's giving you mixed messages, because he's probably feeling mixed and part of him wants to punish you for being difficult.

Perhaps you can back off, continue with your therapy (alone) and see what happens. Don't try to bully or push him like you have in the past.

Learning to behave with maturity and restraint is your lesson here.

Yes, it will be hard and the outcome is uncertain, but you need to take responsibility for creating this situation. Stop trying to control the outcome - you can't.

Alty · Oct 19, 2009, 06:15 PM

Originally Posted by blair1684

But he hasent gone into nc everytime I stop contacting him trying to give him space he calls me I even ignored all his calls n he keeps calling. Its bc of me that we havent really spoke I know I wasent ready to talk to him without pushing him away even more so I thought it was just better to say nothing at all. I told him I was seriously considering moving out of state to be closer to my sister and he got so angry told me that he thought I was gonna go to therapy to make it work. He said if I move he will def. be done and never speak with me again. So I stayed and now its like everytime I back off he shows interest but then I show the slightest signs of interest towards him and he acts like he's too good to talk to me like he's just so busy. He sending all these mixed signals one minute he says no the next he wants to see how therapy goes he even said he would go with me. He hasent said anything about the phones on the family plan or me driving the leased car either.

And you want to be with him why?

He doesn't sound like that great a catch. He's hot then he's cold, he's on then he's off, he thinks you're entirely to blame for the relationship not working, he actually threatens you.

Tell me, why is he so great?