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marie5555 · Jan 5, 2009, 08:55 AM

I have been married for only 4 months. My husband is a great individual, he has 2 other children and we are expecting a child... His ex is very rude and immature... She is one of those females that is very inconsiderate and feels he should be supporting her and the children financially... It gets quite exhausting at times for me to deal with but I know what I was getting myself into since the beginning... Still to this day I have found things that belong to her and I am starting to really feel like he has never really gotten over her so it is pushing me away. It is hard to move on when there are constant reminders outside of their children about her. I think that if he was done with her, everything that was a reminder of her should have gotten rid off, of course except the children because that can not be changed and I wouldn't want that to be changed. Because one of the things that made me fall for him was the fact that he is so loving and involved with them. I just do not know if I am reading too much into it, helpppppp!!

xoxaprilwine · Jan 5, 2009, 09:34 AM

He should be supporting them financially to an extent and that's great to hear that he remains a good father to his children. Thing is they shared quite a bit together and he won't throw her things out over-night or even for a few years. A lot of the times serious ex's (not married par say but dating) will hold on to pictures and things as memories... I know it is hard but you are the new woman in his life, you have having his child, he is divorced and planning a life with you so that tells me he has moved on. All the small details will disappear over time... it also sounds like the divorce didn't happen too long ago so give it time and don't read too much into it.

JBeaucaire · Jan 5, 2009, 10:37 AM

You should INSIST he support his ex and kids financially. Complete that "great guy" scenario.

As for "knowing what you were getting into"... you have to admit now you DIDN'T really know how bad it was going to be.

Understand now, then, this will not get better. The ex will not get nicer, the problems she causes will not diminish, the mementos around the house will not get fewer.

You didn't marry him, you married the whole gang. It is going to be what you have today and more. You can do this, but you have to establish some acceptability in your mind for ALL OF IT.

Your marriage will be strongest if you operate from a position of confidence and inclusiveness. It's pointless to try and make it anything other than what it is, so own it, lead it.

Not suggesting you "befriend" the ex, but in the end, you need to operate almost as if you have. Most importantly is that you define the rules for dealing with the ex, but never indicate you fear her in any way... even if you do. Especially to her.

We all tend to choose our hell, and yours is clear now. You can do it, but the work won't ease, so brace yourself for a long ride.

fsnole98 · Jan 5, 2009, 06:54 PM

I can somewhat relate. I have been married 15months and we have a 5 months old, a 6yr old we were adopting (he's stalling), and he has 3 other children from 2 previous marriages. Between his last divorce and our marriage he was engaged to someone that is still in his life and I think he is in love with. I think that he married me just to look good in court over custody of his twin daughters; I guess it worked because he maintained joint physical and won full legal custody. During the battle which has been ongoing for 5 yrs - this battle being 13 months - I found out while pregnant I am his 4th wife - not 3rd as he said and the that he was calling/texting his ex (before the ex finacee) who he told me was "a booty call" relationship 30 days after we were married and during my pregnancy. He also resented me for not doing the housework,cooking or working when I lost 17lbs during the first 4 months of my pregnancy and on bedrest. I sure did pick a winner, right?!

All that being said you have to decide to either love him regardless, because loving someone is no guarantee they will love you back - even husbands. Unfortunately it sucks and you should still be honeymooning. So you have love in one hand and your emotional needs and self respect in the other, which are you going to choose? I've made my choice... just need to get strong enough to let go.

xoxaprilwine · Jan 6, 2009, 03:53 PM

That's very true fsnole, there are no guarantee's for anything... the only person you have to rely on is yourself and at the end of the day or the end of your days; that is what it boils down to. It's how you want to live your life and how you want to be remembered by your children, that are the most important. Live life to its fullest and if someone is deemed untrustworthy and hurts you then they do not deserve you or your time since time is precious. Always consider others but also consider yourself and what is important to you... what gives you pleasure. It sounds as though this writer has also been through a lot and it sounds awful... I am sorry for finding out that the man you are married to is a complete jerk... he doesn't deserve you or anyone. You can make the choice she pointed out. Either forgive him and love him and move on or love yourself more. Have the sit down.