[SjPedro]

Hello everyone... I never thought I would use these forums to ask a question of my own but I seem to need help since I have no idea on what to do.

I am a 21 year old guy and I have met (about 4 months ago) a girl which I later found out she is 29.

She is a psychologist... always filled with work,I met her thanks to a karaoke bar we usually hang out with and we started talking very easily since we shared some common friends.2 weeks later or so after I met her I got all her contacts...
I have been over her office some times,just talking,helping her with some things (translate articles in other languages so she can use some of the material she needs) and I have started to really like her... For Christmas this year I sent to her a vase with flowers and a small note... she replied to it through a text message saying she was surprised and happy about it.
So last Monday I decided to go to her office and tell her how I felt about her... "I like you more than just a friend"...
She said she already knew how I felt and asked me if I wanted to stop the feeling or let it evolve... I replied it was up to her (at this point I was a little hopeful)... and she replied in the following manner:
She couldn't get involved with anyone since she decided to do so for a long time... that we didn't know each other that much... that there is an age difference to be considered... that she doesn't want to hurt me... that she doesn't have the current disposition for a real relationship or just a "colorful friendship"... that she wants us to remain friends... so she asked me to "use the brakes" she used these exact words...

Later that day I sent her a message saying people like her appear once every 100 years
And that instead of stopping what I feel I would just put it on hold until either me or her had a change of heart (in my case it's unlikely believe me) and that I didn't care about what other people might think and I don't care about possible age differences... she didn't reply and we still meet each other on karaoke nights and we talk... but she seems a bit more distant...

After this my short question is what can I do? Anyone has an opinion on what to do in this case?

That's all thanks :)

[ja77]

but she seems a bit more distant...

I guess it is hard to hear but this girl has not jerked you around etc, she has been very honest and upfront with you regards the way things stand.

You really do need to hit the breaks as she asked you to and back off. You have the chance that you could blow your friendship if you push her too much and lose her out of your life fully.

Why don't you slow things down and work on the friendship and take it from there, like she said you both know very little about one another, why not get to know each other better and see what happens.

[bmc_imr4308]

Man you have a huge problem to deal with. I don't really know what you could do that you haven't already done. The only thing that I can say is that maybe you should talk to her in person and tell her exactly how you feel, don't use texting, and also mention that you will wait however long it takes for her to change her mind. If you seriously want to be in a relationship with her then you should be willing to wait until the time is right for her to want to be in a relationship. When she notices that you are serious about this it will more than likely help her decision to want to be in a relationship with you.

[artlady]

The age difference is minimal at best.She is grabbing at any type of excuse to let you down gently and kindly. She stated other reasons as well and I think it is in your best interest to let this one go.

She is distant because she sounds like a nice lady who does not want to give you any encouragement.

Sad to say,I think you need to accept things as they are and move on to someone who is willing to reciprocate your feelings.

You sound like a nice man so that should not be to difficult!

[SjPedro]

I see a lot of different opinions about this and all good and thank you al... keep them coming and to reply to bmc_imr4308... I told her how I felt right at her face... we were a bit close but as soon as I said it she got up from her chair... walked a bit to the left wall of her office and got behind the chair... trying to be subjective and treating me like I was one of her patients and she didn't look at me in the eye not once... she kept looking around... I maintained the eye contact

[talaniman]

You are running into a brick wall, after she told you there is a brick wall.

She told you to bug off in a nice friendly way, so why don't you.

[talaniman]

SjPedro disagrees: completly off

Why?

[chuff]

I can not tell you how frustrated I am. I just Chuffed you and then my internet turned off and when I hit the post answer button it was gone.

I'm not doing that again, but the short answer is you can't put her higher then you, send her gifts for no reason, ignore everything she says, then expect her to be interested. She's told you to put the brakes on and you are not listening.

Also, Tal is right. You are the one that completely off. She told you to put the brakes on... her words not mine, and did you? No, you instead tell her she's a 1 in 100 year girl. No she isn't. She's one in 3 billion currently living. She knows that and she knows that a BS line by someone grasping at straws. I know to you it is a compliment but to her she's thinking, "How would he know that, when all I've ever done is blow him off."

I mean honestly, how can you say Tal is completely off, he's completely on. Everything you have done has failed, and she's keeping her distance. Uh... she told you to put on the brakes. Brick Wall. You then send her that desperation text message. Her response. Well there wasn't one. Brick Wall. Now when she sees you, what does she do... while ignores you from a distance. Brick Wall.

So now that none of this is working it's time to back off. You are just driving yourself nuts for a girl that is one in 3 billion, and you are making her more to be then that, and for no reason. You are giving her gifts that she never earned, and ignoring everything she says, probably scary her a little in the process. It's time to let her go because the only way you will ever prove to her you are good enough is to show her you are man enough to stand on your own two feet, and not be dependent upon her.



You need to give Tal a greenie because he is completely on.

[SjPedro]

This is the problem of posting stuff on the internet... well here I go try to explain... apparently the ignoring stuff was just work that was getting her down... since was with her today and she apologized for it... and it wasn't a desperation message it was something I wanted to say but unfortunately I didn't had the guts at the time (plus I forgot lol)
Tal is wrong because he doesn't know me or her... and the concept of a brick wall is something I don't believe in since I have seen;witnessed and experienced other situations where a so called brick wall was in place... and it was overpassed... so don't talk about such a concept which I don't believe in... And thanks for all the answers... here is what I will do and I hope this will help everyone that can get in a similar situation...

I am going to do what someone told me what to do through my email... a very close friend of mine... here's what he said... what I have to do now is be the best friend to her as I can be... not even talk about what I feel and just bury it inside... keep it controlled and keep living my life as I should... I will NOT forget about other people... I won't distant myself from other possible girls... but I will keep her a close friend... as she is now... we will see how it works out...
I was expecting this difference in answers... what I wasn't expecting was some of the aggressive nature of some of the responses... but hey it's the internet so I don't mind

[SjPedro]

One more thing... I didn't give her gifts... I gave her one gift and to which she replied with another gift... during christmas time... and I know perfectly well that I have to keep her at my level... not turn her into a goddess... and I don't expect you to understand what I meant... since I have been in and out of relationships and never felt this way for a girl before... so I don't expect most of you to understand... ( I know some do my salutation to you all :) )

[ja77]

Pedro it sounds like your mind is set with what you want to do, just make sure you look out for yourself to.

You may not agree with the advise that people are giving you, but that is your choice - from what I have seen people give good advise on this board from all walks of life - You have to make the choice to take it up or not.

I am no expert but try and give my honest answer if I was in the position etc - and things that have happened in my own life as a learning curve.

I wish you all the best -- JA

[SjPedro]

I am looking out for myself thanks for the note of care :)

Yes I don't agree with some of the replies here... (I agree partially with some of the first as I previously made a special care to point out... people do give good advice indeed... and I will take some of the advices and others I will disregard since they are conflicting with other advices taken... so it would be kind of stupid of me to do opposite things :P

Thanks for the best wishes of which I send back to you

[Alty]

this is the problem of posting stuff on the internet...well here I go try to explain.....apparently the ignoring stuff was just work that was getting her down...since was with her today and she apologized for it....and it wasn't a desperation message it was something i wanted to say but unfortunatly i didnt had the guts at the time (plus I forgot lol)
Tal is wrong because he doesn't know me or her.....and the concept of a brick wall is something I don't believe in since I have seen;witnessed and experienced other situations where a so called brick wall was in place.....and it was overpassed...so don't talk about such a concept which I dont believe in.....And thanks for all the answers.....here is what I will do and I hope this will help everyone that can get in a similar situation....

I am going to do what someone told me what to do through my email.....a very close friend of mine.....here's what he said...what i have to do now is be the best friend to her as I can be....not even talk about what i feel and just bury it inside...keep it controlled and keep living my life as i should...I will NOT forget about other people.....I wont distant myself from other possible girls...but I will keep her a close friend.....as she is now....we will see how it works out.....
I was expecting this difference in answers...what I wasn't expecting was some of the agressive nature of some of the responses....but hey it's the internet so I dont mind

None of us know you, everyone based their answers on what you wrote, that's all we can do, none of us has the power to look into your life and determine the best response based on your personality and that of the women you're interested in.

You wrote your post, and based on that post, you got advice. Now you're angry because the advice is not what you wanted to hear.

In the long run this is all up to you. What you do, what you say, how you handle it, that's up to you, not us. We can give you advice, but you have to pick which advice you want to follow.

Tal wasn't wrong, that was his opinion, and it's not factually incorrect. Giving him a disagree is actually against the rules of this site. Disagrees are for factually incorrect information, not for opinions you don't like.

I realize that you're new here, but you were required to read the rules before joining this site, so you should have known better.

The future is up to you, only you.

Good luck.

[SjPedro]

I am not angry or aggressive to anyone you got me wrong and I apologize if I somehow leaded to that conclusion... and I didn't say he was wrong... what I did say was that I disagreed and he was way off due to factors I forgot to mention unfortunately... and if people disagreed to some of the things I said and I agreed to others doesn't mean right or wrong... in what relationships are concerned there IS NO right or wrong... just different paths... and everyone is capable of realizing that... I don't give a personal appretiation to the answers and some other users did disagree to in a wrong way which I only now figured out it was wrong... again I apologize for any possible misunderstandings... greetings to all

[chuff]

I feel like we are getting this in parts, because new information pops up that doesn't seem to connect to previous posts.

this is the problem of posting stuff on the internet...well here I go try to explain.....apparently the ignoring stuff was just work that was getting her down...since was with her today and she apologized for it....

Well it's nice she apologized but as I read the OP I was under the impression she was ignoring you at karoke... a place away from work.

But to be honest and I know you will disagree that sounds like a lame excuse. She is saying all the things she has to, to let you down easy without turing it into a big production.

and it wasn't a desperation message it was something i wanted to say but unfortunatly i didnt had the guts at the time (plus I forgot lol)

The way you worded it in the OP, she turned you down and you kept coming back. Rinse and repeat. To me that was desperation.

Tal is wrong because he doesn't know me or her....

You don't know Tal so your wrong.

No offense because I know your new but I've been on this site for over 3 years now and we hear that "you don't know us" nonsense about once a week. No we don't. But here's what I can tell you, women have a certain pattern of behavior and you special 1 in 100 year girl uses the same lines and pattern of behavior that every other girl uses to get out of a romantic situation she doesn't want to be in. Hey, I'd love it if they just said, "I'm not into you, I don't see it, it's not going to happen." It would be a lot more clear. But that's not how the female mind works, and you girl is female, has a mind, and we are just trying to tell you how it works.

and the concept of a brick wall is something I don't believe in since I have seen;witnessed and experienced other situations where a so called brick wall was in place.....and it was overpassed...so don't talk about such a concept which I dont believe in.....

Okay, well then why don't tell those of us trying to help you from getting hurt even more what concepts you believe in and then we can explain using those.

what i have to do now is be the best friend to her as I can be....

I could not disagree more. She already thinks of you as a friend. You are in the friend zone which is the last place you want to be. Turning up the friend knob is only going to further establish you in her mind as a friend.

In reality what you need to do is disappear. Get away from her, so that she might attempt to miss you. Being around is, especially as a friend is literally going in the opposite direction you want to go.

not even talk about what i feel and just bury it inside...

This I agree with.

keep it controlled and keep living my life as i should...

Also agree.

I will NOT forget about other people.....I wont distant myself from other possible girls...

Excellent, now we are getting somewhere.

but I will keep her a close friend.....as she is now....we will see how it works out.....

Close friends have a hard time breaking out of the friend zone, especially since she's already declared that's where you are at. Women like mystery, disappear and make her wonder where you are at. Then when you see her again at karoke, ignore her until she comes to you. Then be funny and get out of there. Women like a challenge, they like games, you not giving her any of that.

I was expecting this difference in answers...what I wasn't expecting was some of the agressive nature of some of the responses....but hey it's the internet so I dont mind

Somehow I gather that's probably directed at me. Probably accurate, but as a recovering nice guy... which is what you are, I have to find ways to jolt people out of their usual way of thinking. Most people you talk to would say, "just be yourself" or "she'll come around" or "be her best friend."... wait someone did tell you that. But that's the same advice everybody gives because nobody wants to rock the boat. Screw that, I'd rather someone be blunt honest and tell me like it is then try to comfort me. Aggressive perhaps but not intened to be disrespectful.

[chuff]

one more thing...i didnt give her gifts...i gave her one gift and to which she replied with another gift....during christmas time...

This has changed. In you OP you stated you gave her flowers and she replied with a text message. Not a personal thank you or even a phone call but a text message. That says something.

Secondly, you gave flowers and flowers are not a Christmas gift, they are a romantic gesture.

and I know perfectly well that I have to keep her at my level...not turn her into a goddess...

Well telling her she's 1 in 100 year girl is the exact opposite of not turning her into a goddess.

and I don't expect you to understand what i meant....since i have been in and out of relationships and never felt this way for a girl before....so I don't expect most of you to understand...( i know some do my salutation to you all :) )

I'm 10 years older then you and I've been in and out of relationships to. The problem you don't want to except is, I DO understand what you mean. So does everybody. I have girls that I dated 10 years ago that still pop up in my head because they were special and their was a connection, and then like I did the other day, I was cleaning out a desk drawer and I found an old note from some girl named Lyndsey that I can't put a face to, to save my life. You are not the only person who has ever had it bad for someone and they didn't feel the same way. It's not that nobody understands, it's that we do understand and we are telling you the best way to deal with an unresponsive girl. Those answers are never the ones we want to hear, because they are the most painful to accept.

[SjPedro]

I am going to try to reply to this last one as well as I can since I have little battery left on my laptop and can't recharge it nowhere so I will try to talk about everything and please forgive me if I leave something out.
This is a different case from everything I have ever encountered since she is in a line of work we can only make assumptions and go from there.She is a psychologist, hence she has a good understanding of the human mind, and I have witnessed the way she blows guys off and believe me, even if they are friends she is rutheless,forgive me for the comparison here but she reminds me of a mob member with a finger on the trigger pointing right to the heart with no pity or remorse,that's why I don't feel "ready" to completely step out,plus after I said to her what I said she almost begged me not to be mad at her and to NOT stop talking to her and be with her the way I have been thus far.
Funny you talked about a thing that happened this very day.
As usual I was at the karaoke bar,she came in(with her parents as usual), to a distant table and didn't say a word... I stood in my spot talking to some people not even moving... 30 minutes later she was asking me to join her table which I did after about 15 minutes to let the possibility of me not going there marinate in her mind for awhile.
Later I joined her and talked to her as usual as if nothing ever happened,glad you brought that up just now so thank you for reminding me (and I have to apologize for my response times since I live in europe and the time tables might be confusing for the rest of you all)
Oh and the comment about the agressiveness wasn't directed to you... I was talking in a global manner because of some ratings viewable in other posts.
And about the flower thing, we usually communicate either face to face or through text messages since where I live text messages are for free that's why we prefer them over calling :)

That's all I would write more but my laptop is running out of juice

Thanks

[talaniman]

This is a different case from everything I have ever encountered

Have fun learning, you may as well since your going to go headfirst into that brick wall... my advice... invest in a helmet.

I find it amazing how much more important information you get, when they don't want to hear what you have told them.

Keep us updated, and your battery charged.

[N0help4u]

She is a psychologist... she is always going to have the right words to hold you off. She is always going to have the right words to psychoanalyze you and where she wants to keep you whether it is at a distance or gradually letting you in.
Most likely she is a self made independent woman and they are hard to break through. So all you really can do is either back off or continue with friendship as it has been. Her being a psychologist, you being aggressive may only end up backfiring.
She knows where and when to find you. Let her be the aggressor.

[Alty]

Have to spread the rep Tal, but of course I agree.

It's funny isn't it? All of a sudden everything is A-Ok, the girl isn't pushing him away, she's totally into him, and the world is all sunshine and roses. Makes you wonder why he asked for advice to begin with.

Sometimes people really do have to learn things the hard way, what they don't realize is that we already did, that's why we give the advice we do.

Not everyone has to ram into that brick wall, at this point it's a choice.

I wish the OP luck, he's going to need it. Heck, I'll even be nice. When you come back to AMHD asking how to get over her because all your plans failed, I won't say "we told you so".

Good luck.