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sloaneevergreen · Dec 21, 2008, 09:15 AM

I am in a good relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Just recently I started talking with my ex again, and I am beginning to miss him so much. My boyfriend and I don't have that special spark that my ex and I had, and I find myself calling my ex in the wee hours of the night. He is much better at making me feel warm, and I just feel more connected to him than anybody.

But my boyfriend and I have a good relationship, besides the bickering that comes in default. My parents adore him, and he is good to me for the most part. But I find myself bitter when I am around him now, and we don't have that certain something.

What do I do? Even if I didn't get back together with my ex (because I'm not sure if he feels the same), I still have urges to break up with my boyfriend. But I fear that I would be making a huge mistake, and will really hurt him.

Any advice will be helpful.

TrueFaith · Dec 21, 2008, 09:55 AM

What a sly person you are

you are with your boyfriend and you sneek off to talk to your X?

god grow some balls will you and have the respect to leave your boyfriend.

you are just keeping him around because there is no one else.
the second the x says come back you will run right back to him.

I have no pitty for you.

Do what's right leave your boyfriend
then after that. Do whatever you want

seems like that's your way.

N0help4u · Dec 21, 2008, 09:56 AM

What caused you and your ex to break up?

If you are obsessed with wanting to be with your ex it is not fair to your boyfriend. If you are not happy with your boyfriend living a lie (even a lie to yourself) is not a healthy relationship. You can't stay with someone for the wrong reasons like because he loves you, you don't want to hurt him and your parents adore him.

I don't know if part of the problem is that you are comparing what you had with the ex to your boyfriend but
If you are that sure that you don't want to be with him even if you do not get back with your ex then that is serious... need to break up.
I asked what caused you to break up with your ex because often as time goes by we romanticize the good times and block the bad things that caused the break out of our memories.

talaniman · Dec 21, 2008, 10:15 AM

Since your still got an attachment with the ex, that you keep cultivating, then your relationship with your b/f is poisoned.

Either break up with him, and take your chances, or leave the ex alone.

Do you think its fair to lead the boyfriend on as you are now? You are clearly crossing the boundaries of good behavior, and selfishly holding the b/f hostage, just in case the ex wants you back. That's not good.

sloaneevergreen · Dec 21, 2008, 10:57 AM

Hmm I wasn't expecting such harsh answers. I am not here for pity. I am here for advice. I don't think I have done anything sly. And I don't think I am "obsessing". This is a new feeling that literally just struck me this morning, and I am not even sure if this is how I feel or not. We are friends, all of us, so there really are no secrets. Boyfriend knows that I talk to my ex, basically.

I may be romanticizing things though. We broke up because we just wernt working out. Fighting too much and what not, and just wanting to go our separate ways for a while.

I am not with my boyfriend just for those reasons. I like him a lot. We have a lot in common and have had many good times. It is not love, I know that for sure. But it is special.

I think I may just be suckering into feelings that arnt really there. My boyfriend works grave yard and lives a couple hours away. I want to keep my ex as a friend, that is a sure fact. Something must be in the way of my boyfriend and I, and maybe I just need to fix that to restore the feelings that I used to have for him.

N0help4u · Dec 21, 2008, 10:59 AM

I wasn't trying at all to be harsh, just give you some perspectives to look at.

chuff · Dec 21, 2008, 05:49 PM

Your answers were not harsh. They were reality. You are emotionally cheating on your boyfriend, because he does not fill that emotional void that you crave, so you get that from someone else. Your boyfriend deserves the chance and the truth in this matter. You also owe it to him to quit talking to your ex and if you can't you need to let your boyfriend go and be honest as to why you are, because he is the innocent victim who didn't ask for this and is in a terrible spot since he has devoted his time and energy to you but it is not equal in return.

roxypox · Dec 21, 2008, 06:08 PM

Is there no love what so ever? With current boyfriend that is...

TrueFaith · Dec 21, 2008, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by sloaneevergreen

I am not with my boyfriend just for those reasons. I like him a lot. We have a lot in common and have had many good times. It is not love, I know that for sure. But it is special.

Special?

F#$$ me sweet heart.. do yourself and him a favor and leave him.

First of all. Talking to your X behind your boyfriends back.. is.. SLY.. so don't try and fool yourself

I am not being harsh.. you are the one that is being reall harsh here.
you are cheating on your boyfriend. By talking to your X
you are showing him no respect

so in turn you get what you give.
and for you to think that I am going to sit here and say. Oh poor love don't worrie keep on talking to your X yeah. And then go home and get you boyfriend to rub you feet.
because the boyfriend may not give you them feelings but at least he is good for something right?

Pffff.

honestly. Leave him. You will cheat on him. It is just a matter of time..

411Help · Dec 21, 2008, 07:03 PM

Sorry, your answers were not harsh. The reality of the situation is, you are talking to your ex behind your boyfriend's back. If you continue to have feelings for your ex and be with your current boyfriend right now. That's a form of cheating imo.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 21, 2008, 07:08 PM

Show your current boyfriend some respect and just leave him instead of emotionally cheating on him.

NItEMArE129 · Dec 21, 2008, 07:29 PM

To cheat on somebody you don't need to physically be with somebody else. You're emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. You're bitter in his presence, and you feel all warm and fuzzy with another guy. Cheating is CHEATING no matter what form. It would be different if you weren't sneaking off to talk to your ex. But you are.

Like everybody else has said, this isn't harsh. This is reality. You are CHEATING.

roxypox · Dec 21, 2008, 07:45 PM

I'm going to jump onto the wagon; you are emotionally cheating and you seem to compare him with your x. and it doesn't matter that you are all friends or that your boyfriend knows that you talk to your x... it's your emotions that are the problem.

The way you explain your current relationship and your feelings surrounding your boyfriend and your x it makes it clear that you lean towards the latter, but that you keep the boyfriend b\c he is nice to have, he is stable, predictable, he loves you (I'm assuming)... but there is no love on your part, but he's special?

If he did this to you how would you feel? I know that if a boyfriend of mine did this to me I'd be extremely hurt and sad! I'd feel like nifty trash almost; sure I'm good to have hanging around, I'm good for the physical stuff, but he doesn't love me... I was in a relationship where the guy didn't want to be with me the first 6months we were together and when I found out about it, once I understood it and he confirmed it... the feeling was unbelievebly painful...

to know that I loved someone and thought I was with someone who felt the same way and it turned out I was wrong...

so stop being sly, selfish and crule and cut the guy loose! Don't you think he deserves a lot better??

and I know you didn't come for pity, but advice... but I think you also came to ask about this to get some validation for the degree of right... towards the situation you're in...

its not right!!

hidden123 · Dec 30, 2008, 02:20 PM

It sounds like you're confused. But is true that it's unfair to your BF. That's why you're bringing it up. Be fair. Tell him you need time to think things over and that you're confused about your feelings. Just be honest.

If you don't take time out you won't figure it out...

ITstudent2006 · Dec 30, 2008, 02:45 PM

Call It what you want! But I'm jumping on the bandwagon. It is emotional cheating, I am a young guy in my 20's. And to be honest I want 110% effort from my fiancé. If she's not in it 100% then she won't be in it at all, and it sounds like you're giving up on your b/f and working your way back into your ex's life.

It is sly, you don't tell your current b/f you're calling your ex in the middle of the night and writing this blog do you?

Give the respect your b/f deserves and break it off!

adam_89 · Dec 30, 2008, 02:56 PM

Im sorry but it makes me a little sick that people are like that. If you have something good going don't screw it up!! I just try and imagine how it would feel if I were in your boyfriends shoes and it would hurt like hell.

Sorry, if you think I am being a prick!

Romefalls19 · Dec 30, 2008, 04:16 PM

OK, first off, this board is swarming with people who have been cheated on, so naturally they are going to side with your boyfriend and make you feel like you are low right now, which you are.

Second, you and your ex broke up because you weren't working out and fighting? What the hell makes you think it would change this time around? The grass isn't greener on the other side. If you spend time taking care of your own grass then it won't be so bad.

Third, emotional cheating is just as bad as physical, if not worse! Talking to an ex while harboring feelings is cheating, yourself and your boyfriend. You need to stop being selfish and decide what it is you want. If you can't decide then let both fish go back into the ocean because you shouldn't be out there fishing to begin with. Let yourself heal before tearing at wounds.

openeyes · Dec 30, 2008, 04:44 PM

You are human like any one else and I completely understand what you are going through.

I always tend to compare my new bfs to my ex for the fact that I haven't found someone that fills me like he did once not because I REALLY want him back..
And this similar feeling is probably what you are going through now.

What I learned that I feel is extremely important.. is only date someone if you feel they complete you and you feel enough chemistry to last a lifetime. To the point you feel you could never get enough. Otherwise you will just be "settling".

Even though your new boyfriend is a great guy. Clearly he is just not the guy for you because if he was would you be questioning him? Would you be thinking about you ex boyfriend?

Im positive the answer is No.. Break up with your ex because it's the overall fair action to take. Not only for him but most important for yourself.

411Help · Dec 30, 2008, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by openeyes

You are human like any one else and i completely understand what you are going through.

I always tend to compare my new bfs to my ex for the fact that i havent found someone that fills me like he did once not because i REALLY want him back..
and this similar feeling is probably what you are going through now.

What i learned that I feel is extremely important..is only date someone if you feel they complete you and you feel enough chemistry to last a lifetime. To the point you feel you could never get enough. Otherwise you will just be "settling".

Even though your new boyfriend is a great guy. Clearly he is just not the guy for you because if he was would you be questioning him?? Would you be thinking about you ex bf?

Im positive the answer is No.. Break up with your ex because its the overall fair action to take. Not only for him but most important for yourself.

Everybody should be able to complete themselves. If you need someone to "complete" you, you're not ready to be in a stable relationship.

openeyes · Dec 30, 2008, 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by 411Help

Everybody should be able to complete themselves. If you need someone to "complete" you, you're not ready to be in a stable relationship.

That was not exactly the point I was trying to come across.. of course everyone has the capability to feel complete by themselves. I meant it in the terms of when two people are in a relationship. When the partner makes you feel complete in the relationship.. It takes two people to make the relationship feel complete.. If only one of the partner feels in love and the other does not.. Than doesn't that make the person not fully fulled..? Like if the glass is half empty? Instead of having it full?