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answerme44 · Dec 28, 2008, 06:10 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years--we're middle aged and have both had previous relationships (though he's never been married). It's been great--we love to do the same things and have a great time together. We see each other every weekend--I've met his family and friends. I have no worries that he's cheating on me or is ashamed of me or anything like that.

I'm crazy in love with him--more than I have been with anyone before (usually I tire of men after about a year). We both have our commitment issues, and I admit our relationship seems strange to others, but it seems to work for us. The reason I'm writing though, is that we've never said "I love you" or anything similar. If I say things like that "I'm crazy about him" he acknowledges it but doesn't say something similar in return. If I try to talk to him or get him to talk about feelings (which doesn't happen often--it's not something I'm really into either), he says things like "I don't know what to say." He's still close to his ex, who he lived with for several years in and who lives far away. I'm jealous of her, not because I think they're doing anything or that he's still in love with her, but because I think from the way that he talks about her that he was in love with her years ago and I worry that he might not be with me. When I asked him about that tonight (without using the word "love), he said he'd never been "different" with anyone else. He didn't get upset and still acted sweet--seemed sorry that he didn't know what to say otherwise.

So if this relationship is perfect otherwise and he treats me well and all that, does it matter if he's capable of loving someone? It's taken me years to find a man who can make me happy, and I think I make him happy too. Am I getting too hung up on worrying about what he feels about me? Does it matter if he loves me? (btw, neither of us are looking to get married or have children together or any of that)

Wondergirl · Dec 28, 2008, 06:17 PM

Men are hunter-killer types and often don't have feelings, or want to admit that they do--or even KNOW that they do. Women are the keepers of the feelings.

Read John Gray's book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That will help you feel more secure. I'm guessing he loves you and shows it by his faithfulness and other things he does for you--shows by actions.

Ash123 · Dec 28, 2008, 08:44 PM

No, it's not good enough.

You wouldn't be on here if it was.

You are cool, hip friends, but a woman sometimes needs... more.

So, test him. Let him feel what it might be like to lose you... Tell him you wonder if you have what it takes... Is dating other people inevitable? Keep it light, but speak your mind. He may not be so cool - but he may tilt his hand. It's time to make more of this perhaps, if that's what you want... if not... then just keep going as it is if you are happy. Every relationship is different. Only you know if you feel good deep down. Just don't feel like you have to hide your feelings... that's no turn on :-)

Ash123 · Dec 28, 2008, 08:46 PM

No, it's not good enough.

You wouldn't be on here if it was.

You are cool, hip friends, but a woman sometimes needs... more.

So, test him. Let him feel what it might be like to lose you... Tell him you wonder if you have what it takes... Is dating other people inevitable? Keep it light, but speak your mind. He may not be so cool - but he may tilt his hand. It's time to make more of this perhaps, if that's what you want... if not... then just keep going as it is if you are happy. Every relationship is different. Only you know if you feel good deep down. Just don't feel like you have to hide your feelings... that's no turn on :-)

I will add that I have seen marriages that are more practical than passionate at the start and do a lot better... so, if you all were to get hitched without wild passion that's OK, but if you are feeling, as I sense, that he may not be giving as much, it's worth a talk, it may help - you both.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2008, 10:12 PM

Many of us guys speak with our actions, more than words. If your having fun, and it's a great relationship, is this worth rocking the boat over??

I'm just saying is it that important, or are you curious, or are you seeking more, and are not as content, and happy, as your saying?

Maybe you both could get together over this language thing, and that starts with being honest, and easy on the sugarcoating.

"Hey dopey, why don't you use the L word after 4 years of doing this fun thing??""

talaniman · Dec 28, 2008, 11:26 PM

Maybe its you that has to take a risk, and tell him you love him, and see what happens. I know the last thing you want is to make a big deal of this, and then be suspicious of his feelings when if you push him to say it.

Relationships are about honest communications, to go along with the caring, and sharing. Bet he has a real good reason not saying those words you obviously want to hear.