[Wildcat21]

Mom - great analogy - I'd spread the love, but I can't.

[Skell]

Mom and Tal,
What awesome, great advice. That was brilliant.

Jeff,
I know it is no consilation but we can all see the pain in your words (even if they are a little under the influence haha). It is evident you are such a great guy and put your heart on the line. Great thing that is. GREAT. But it is also something that you will pay a heavy price for unfortunately.

So come on mate, BE A MAN. Pick yourself up and go again. You've got great family and friends to help you through again. And here of course.

There is only one loser in this situation and its her. She lost a great guy. So stuff her. Hold your head high and go again.

This is what? The second girl you have ever had serious feelings for? Your smart enough to realise that it can often take many many loves to find the right one. This was just another stepping stone to the right one.

All this doesn't ease your pain right now but I'd hate to see you give up.

You were the FIRST person on this site to respond to my thread when I was in need. And it was awesome. You took me on as your little project. You gave me great advice. You HELPED me when I was ready to give up!

You Said "if i can just help one person not go through what i did then this whole site will be worth it".

So now your saying I should give up?

Give me a rest. Wake up. BE A MAN and keep helping yourself and the many others.

She's the loser mate... NOT YOU!

[valinors_sorrow]

Whispers this as gently and compassionately as possible: If going slow is just not possible, then something else may be in the mix. Its important to get at the "engine" and turn it off, otherwise it all becomes an exercise in vain attempts that conclude in frustrated failure and that is VERY upsetting.

[Wildcat21]

Build some walls... be caucious... have your own tests... test to see if she'll flake.

BUT, you should have gone tremendously SLOW when even she said she didn't want to hurt you right away... yet you dove in both feet first. That was a red flag... stop!

[momincali]

Jeff, I get it... I understand if you no longer wish to post here or associate with us because it reminds you too much of your "failures" or **** ups! You are not a failure or a **** up but you think you are right now so I won't bother arguing.

You put yourself out there because you are real, not because you're stupid. I think she led you on a bit. Inviting you over all the time. Laying in your arms. That's so intimate for just a casual thing.

This is so not you, snap out of it! You are stronger than this.

You were more wrapped up in the feeling, than who made you feel it. It was good cause you hadn't felt this way since monster ex. It's all right. Life goes on. Things work out.

Send a smoke signal or something...

[jeffatl]

Ok... I just sent a message to M3 giving my "scoop" but there is more to this than you guys know... or that I have been willing to tell, but screw it. Im an alcoholic and a substance abuser... and I have been for the past year or so... since I have been posting here... and I am just not able to take this anymore. Not sure why I feel like coming clean now, but I am. My father died whe I was young, and I think I have been looking for a replacement to some hole in my life, but I KNOW I didn't come on too strong with this girl... I made sure of it!! I followed HER lead, and didn't call, made HER chase ME!! Ive been going to AA for the past 4 months and STILL haven't got my 1st chip... and I abuse painkillers as well... The bright side of this is, I have taken ownership to this and am going to the doctor tomorrow morning to get some help... One thing is, I was NEVER drunk around her, and I really felt I was busting out of this crap to get me back on track... but this really spun me out of control... to be honest... I don't sleep much at all, and I drink A lot... no beer, just tequila to numb myself, and I thkn that shows my mood swings. You guys have really helped me a lot, but I take my failures too close to heart... and I need some professional help to get past that. Since I was little, I have always been looking to fill that "void" in my life and fall fairly easily. I look for no pitty, but I don't feel like the tuff love thing is really working much for me anymore... I guess the thing that has kept me from professional help is the whole "medicine" thing because I don't believe in anit depressants... they numb you, and I want to feel. I hope to get something to help ease my anxiety tomorrow... but who knows. Please don't judge me, or think I am full of Sh#t, I just need a little more help than I can get from here or myself from my last ordeal... and I see that now. I think that's why I reach out so much and look for validation in what I do because I don't trust myself or my intuition... because Im a drunk. My father was a drunk, and I guess it just passed to me now. I feel really ashamed, and sorry or what I have let myself become over the past year, but I just haven't found a way to deal in a positive way. I have at least been smart enough to know what has NOT been a good situation for me... or maybe not. This is NOT only the 2nd girl I have had feelings for, I have been in in pretty much nothing but LONG relationships my whole life. Im totally going off here because, yes Im drunk... Im ashamed of myself, but I need help, more than you can give me. I HOPE tomorrow I can feel better and give some real advice that I remember giving. I just can't go on with this crap I that I feed you guys... and Im sick of crying for myself, all I want is to be happy... but I need to fix me first. The truth is, I need more help than I can give myself, and I feel like this is the first step I need to make to get there. My birthday is next Friday... the 4th, and Im truly afraid because I don't think I have enough self control NOT to spin into another relapse to just numb myself that just turns into balling my eyes out and helping nothing. I really hope I can get past all of this, but all I want now it to numb myslef... so I don't feel. Cat, I feel I MUST address you the most! I KNOW you mean well, and tuff love is always the thing that seems to snap me out of my CRAP, but right now I just need encouragement... not your fault though. I respect you so much for being real and blunt because I am that way myself. M2, M3, talin... you guys have been such an inspiration to me because of your motherly and brotherly andivce... I get teary. All of you have been such a help to just keep me going and WANT to help myself. The best thing about this site is the way I can come on here and just vent my heart, everything that I feel inside. I am just ready to remember what I post here, and take what I read here to heart. Cat, M2, M3, Talin... and others... I love you all in my own special way. You guys are the closest thing I have had to family, and I think I tell you more than anyone. HONSET TO GOD! I just need to get away from here for a bit to take care of me. Things aren't always so cut and dry people. There can be a lot more than meets the eys. I know it really depends on what information is given, but is hard to really "come clean" sometimes because you want people to feel bad for you. I KNOW in my heart I playd this safe for me... and did things SLOW... but I still got burned, and That's what is so FU#%ED up to me... I just don't deal anymore... its soooo much easier to drink it away... I just hope you understand, and dotn look down on me for it... I don't look for pitty, but I need to get this off my chest! Im sick of crying my eyes out just reading others messages like mine, knowing how bad it feels, and fearing they go the same way I did. So there... Im not as strong as you all think I am, Im a sham... a FAKE. But I come clean to you all now, and I hope you all will come to trust me in the future. For now, I need to deal with myself, and take care of ME. Pray for me... PLEASE!! I need it.








I love you all... Jeff.

[jeffatl]

Added note. Skell... thanks buddy. Its funny how the teacher becomes the student. Makes me feel sooooo good that I was able to help you out! Seriously people. Show love to EVERYONE that helps you out on here. They all do this for FREE... that means NO MONEY... It means a lot to tose that dedicate their time to think about and REPLY to your posts. It can all be a bit draining emotionally (at least for me). Eveyone here that tries to help deserves a pat on the back, so take the 2 sec and comment on their posts! Amazing people here.

[YeloDasy]

Thanks for being so real! Hopefully you look at this later and read what you wrote, and help clarify some of the raw emotions you just wrote about. I do think professional help is needed, and medication can be put off until 1. they think you really need it to be rational, or 2. you have been off substances long enough to tell if it is substance abuse related or not. From experience, I do know that professional help is the only way to deal with this fully... not just part way. Hope you will do so... and don't hesitate to get second opinions. And please keep posting your thoughts/emotions here for support... but also keep attending your meetings! Good step in the right direction!

[talaniman]

It takes a lot of guts to admit to the world you have a problem. It takes courage to admit to yourself that you have a problem. It takes guts courage and wisdom to get help with that problem. My first impression of you was correct you are a class person who has a problem and need help. My mind has not changed and you are family.

[valinors_sorrow]

I totally understand Jeff and somehow knew something was up all along -- which I sincerely hope didn't/doesn't unnerve you. I am in recovery too so there are NO legs to stand on at my end for judging you, man. Knowing or sensing and judging are two different things. Seeking help is a very wise thing to do and if you ever want to talk, I am here for you. I mean that. And there is an addictions forum here to post in as well.

You are more all right than you know, coming clean as you have. Keep telling the truth, as hard as it is -- it is the way out! In early recovery it stands to reason that if it feels bad, its probably the right thing to do. I still have to rat myself out periodically just so that nothing builds up on me but that process has fortunately grown to be much much easier over time. And if its any consolation, I see over and over that relationships are the hardest things for anyone in recovery to handle. Its advised often in the rooms to be "off that market" during that first year so I did that and let me tell you, that suggestion paid handsomely. So I pass that on to you now.

I am very glad for you that you told us here and want you to know that every day you are clean and sober, you are that much closer to it getting better. You have gained MUCH face in my eyes here by letting us know. Thank you and Happy Birthday Jeff, I hope for you the gift of recovery... (hug) :)

[jeffatl]

Thanks guys. Just got home from the doc, and it turns out I have some kind of heart thing... not sure what it is, but ti doesn't sound serious. I almost erased that LONG message, but I guess I need to admit that stuff. Thanks for understanding. I got some medicine fro my anxiety, and some stuff to help me sleep. I am going to break from here for a while to get myself back on track, and straighten out my life. Im graduating school this year, I need to get my head right. Thanks guys! I will check in and what not, so feel free to send me a message, I just won't be posting...


p.s. The girl just sent me a damn text message "how are you?". Why do people do this crap? Its been ONE day since Ive talked to her... looks like she's missing me! HA!

[Wildcat21]

Good luck Jeff - didn't mean to be so hard. We're here for you. But, you do need some time to yourself - I'd seriously take about 6 months and no dating.

Defintely work on the substance abuse. Seek professional help. Looks like you already have started.

All this is working on yourself... you'll get over all this and be a MUCH better person for that RIGH gal.

And don't respond to her - I'd leave her alone for like 3 months. No contact.

[Skell]

Thanks Jeff for being so honest.
You did exactly what I said to do in my post. BE A MAN.
You showed in your post what a great MAN you are and I'm sure everybody on here is proud of you and the approach you are taking.
So don't give up. Take some time for yourself and be happy about you. Enjoy your own compnay for a while. It's a nice feeling.
The strength you've showed here I'm sure will be enough to help you through.
Good luck Jeff. Look forward to hearing from a healthy and motivated jeff some time soon!


PS Change your signature too please. That doesn't reflect you at all!