[LoveStoned]

Hey everyone. I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years this summer. Lived with him for 5 yrs. I basically left without telling him for reasons. The saddest thing about it is that he was planning to propose to me the day of my birthday. I didn't know about it until later when I broke up with him. I felt like it was his way of just holding on to me knowing I was mad. But he says it wasn't. At the time I was so angry with him I told him we would eventually get back together but if he had to move on then move on. I didn't call him for 3 weeks. I was trying to get my senses together. And when I finally did get my head straight, I got the call that he was with another girl. See even before I found out about this girl I really was thinking of a way to go about getting back. I knew I loved him but stuff needed to be fixed. It hurt me so much about this other girl I couldn't eat made my whole body weak... I lost like 25 lbs from misery. Eventually we started to talk and it was like the most intense rollercoaster ride. He went from telling me he still cared for me to then telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore. A couple of months went by and from phone conversations he told me that there were things he needed to tell me in person and that he's done a lot of thinking... He asked me if I still thought about me and him. Surely enough when I met up with him it was the same thing. "I love you and care about you but I want to live my life for now, but I still would like to be in your life." He says that he's not looking for anyone. Oh and I drove up by him 3 times and it take 3hrs to get there. I tried with my all.

But he doesn't really include me in his future plans. I feel like all of this I'm going through is exactly what I basically did to him but I didn't do it intensionally.

I just don't get it because when we both think about our break up we cry to each other.

Is he confused? Do you see any hope of us getting back together?

Just last night I told him that I didn't know whathe meant by take it slow so I texted him that I'm taking it as we're moving on without each other and that I will miss him. HELP!!

[KBC]

The five stages of grief.

Denial-generally the first stage.This is a time we cannot believe that the loss is true.

Anger-having moved past some of the denial,but now show signs of anger over the loss.

Bargaining-trying to come up with ways to get back or loss or finding someone/something to blame for it.

Depression-just like it sounds,a time of sadness.

Acceptance-after going through the other steps,sometimes repeating them a few times as well,begins the acceptance step.

I see you bargaining(even if its just internal)and looking for an outlet,a shoulder to lean on.In here(AMHD) we can provide some help for this.

Moving on or trying to stay with this pursuit is your decision,I'll listen and advise as you see fit.

KBC

[sunshineangel]

From my point of view it sounds like he got hurt. Between the few comments you put up of things he's said it sounds as if he really had feelings for you. As soon as you walked away he was left without you for three weeks. Usually when someone dates right after a break up it's to a. provoke the other person or b.move on and fix their own wounded heart.

If you two are really in love I would tell him your true feelings. I would not leave him in the dust for so long again. I hate when people say 'communication is key' but if you really want to be with him you have to communicate. Life is too short to not take some chances. My advice is to go to him and talk out what went on during the time you left talk about what he feels then take it from there. It sounds like before when you two have talked you're just brushing on the true issues.

If you do talk and he still seems edgy and doesn't want to get back together you are going to have to move on. There will be other guys who will seem better than him in the future even though it doesn't seem like that now.~Good luck

[asking]

If you really want to get back together, then you need to say so, I agree. But be prepared that if he says no, then you will feel rejected, as you are feeling now, but worse.

If you decide it's best for you to move on now, then you can spare yourself that possible rejection. I suspect he is going through a lot of the same stages of grief that you are, though not necessarily the same ones at the same time as you. It sounds like he's sending you somewhat mixed messages. If you want a clear answer, be prepared for the possibility that it will hurt a lot.

No matter what happens, you need to start moving on with your life, thinking about positive things you can do in the future, things you'll look forward to that have nothing to do with him (or another guy). Make plans, get some exercise.

It's clear you are in pain. But truly it will pass.

[LifeChangesMan]

Hey Hey,

Every one else pretty much nailed this one. I would say if it's irritating you just get it over with and tell him you want to get back together or try and work it out, like I mean I was absolutely crushed by my ex, and if she came back to me today and asked to talk and sit me down, I would be so happy to do so, the bottom line is I feel like no matter what you will at least get the opportunity to talk and speak your mind, because I'm sure he has some things to say to you as well, and wants to hear what you have to say.

I wouldn't preach to you about getting back together, and I don't think anyone on this site will because every person and situation is different, in my own opinion I feel like time apart for couples does great things, makes people realize a lot, see the finer things in life, experience other things and people to realize the grass isn't greener, the process is time consuming sometimes and very hard usually, the great part is the reward at the end when two fine-tuned mature ready to spend their life with each other individuals come together for eternity.

Take Care,
LCM

[Choux]

It's time to move on.

You are digging yourself deeper and deeper into a rut. Life has a lot of wonderful things to offer, and we have to be ready for all kinds of new people and things... not be preoccupied with the past.

[lrwilkins]

You both need to come to terms with why the break -up happened in the first place. Just up an leaving without an answer after 5 years would make me very hesitant about picking up where we left off. He wants to take it slow to protect himself. Everyone here has made excellent points. I hope you will heed their advice. Also, have you come to terms with the reason(s) why you left? If not, getting back together with him will end the same way.

You should let go of the past and try to move on yourself. It will be hard, but it has to be done. I found this article on Coping with Past Conflicts for you to read. I hope it will help you come to terms with the break-up. Good Luck to you.

http://helpselfwoman.com/blog/coping-with-past-conflicts/2008/

[LoveStoned]

You both need to come to terms with why the break -up happened in the first place. Just up an leaving without an answer after 5 years would make me very hesitant about picking up where we left off. He wants to take it slow to protect himself. Everyone here has made excellent points. I hope you will heed their advice. Also, have you come to terms with the reason(s) why you left? If not, getting back together with him will end the same way.

You should let go of the past and try to move on yourself. It will be hard, but it has to be done. I found this article on Coping with Past Conflicts for you to read. I hope it will help you come to terms with the break-up. Good Luck to you.

Coping with Past Conflicts | Help Self Woman

Every time we met up to talk about things we were just too excited to see one another for the moment and words couldn't be put together from neither of us. Just tears. But he's no longer trying to contact me or answer my calls so I'm staying strong with No Contact Rule.

[liz28]

The no contact is a good thing because if you continue to se him it would've only made you more miserable and drag the healing process for the both you.

The only thing you can do is remain strong and deal with the decision that you made because after all you did dump him.

Don't worry about who he's seeing nor what's doing. Focus on yourself and the things you have control over, which is you. Right now, even if the two of you had remained friends, it wouldn't have been a good idea because of the feelings you had for him and he wasn't making things easiler anyway.

Good luck with your healing and stay strong.

[LoveStoned]

The five stages of grief.

Denial-generally the first stage.This is a time we cannot believe that the loss is true.

Anger-having moved past some of the denial,but now show signs of anger over the loss.

Bargaining-trying to come up with ways to get back or loss or finding someone/something to blame for it.

Depression-just like it sounds,a time of sadness.

Acceptance-after going through the other steps,sometimes repeating them a few times as well,begins the acceptance step.

I see you bargaining(even if its just internal)and looking for an outlet,a shoulder to lean on.In here(AMHD) we can provide some help for this.

Moving on or trying to stay with this pursuit is your decision,I'll listen and advise as you see fit.

KBC

Hello everyoneI don't know in what stage I'm in anymore. To give u's a little insight of what's been going on since this last post, I tried explaining and trying to work things out with him for months and well I guess by the "on an off" and "mixed messages" he continued to give me I decided to go complete NC by the end of January. His last attempt to contact me was ignored. The first two months of NC was good, but latley I've been in almost tears again. Tears of disappointment. I still wonder if he thinks of me. I also wonder how long it takes to completely heal from a long term breakup. I've been going out with friends, but as soon as I get just that car ride alone by myself my thoughts wonder into hurtful places.