[helpmeplease14]

I have been married for 4 months and with my husband for 5 years. Two weeks after we got back from our honey moon EVERYTHING changed. It is worth mentioning he has been in AA since we met. He is not drinking now and I am almost sure that he is not cheating on me.

For the first little while he just shut me out completely (he left in the morning after I went to work and came home between 1-3 in the morning). He said I was controlling, manipulative, mean and insecure and he wasn't going to put up with it any more. It wasn't a discussion - he just said it and put up the 'wall'. I think this is coming from his AA sponsor -- but that is another story.

Things didn't get remotely better for 2 months -- but finally he agreed to come to a counsellor (at first he said he would only come if his sponsor came... but then backed down). We went -- it was okay, but he would say things and then not follow through.

We used to spend all our time together (or a lot of it anyways) doing things we both enjoyed. Now any time he spends with me (which is very little) he calls it 'buying his freedom' so he doesn't have to be around me anymore. He refuses to make plans with me.

He tells me I don't love him any more, and I say I feel like he doesn't love me. Then he says --- right it's all about you I forgot. He tells me 'look at yourself, nobody would ever want to be with you', he tells me it is all my fault. At a hotel the other night he sat down to watch football (it was a shared room) and I asked if we could flip through and find something we would both enjoy and he flipped out and called me crazy and controlling. He left. He said the other night the only reason he is staying in the marriage is because he is too embarssed to leave. I asked him later if this is true and he told me to shut up.

I miss the man I married. He has changed completely into someone I don't know. I don't know what to do. It has only been 3 months, but it is so hard. We have been together for 5 great years -- should I leave after such a short time? Maybe I am controlling and bossy -- I just don't even know where to begin.

We keep going to the counsellor (once every 2 weeks) but it feels like he can be very charming and say the right thing in the appt and then save it up to blow up on me later. Like he said we would have date nights (planned time together) and then he says maybe next week, or 'we'll see how you behave and then maybe'.

He says all women are controlling and vindictive and manipulative -- especially me.

Please help me. I don't know what to do.

[ZoeMarie]

What do you do that he says you're controlling, vindictive and manipulative? Are you guys still going to see a counselor?

[helpmeplease14]

what do you do that he says you're controlling, vindictive and manipulative? are you guys still going to see a counselor?

He doesn't expand on that. I think it is because I keep harassing him to spend time with me. Also we have a shared car (that I pay for). He does NOT like sharing the car with me -- (letting me take it during the day) and when I ask him for the keys or say I need the car sometime he says basically that is being controlling. He says I hold the keys of the car over him. I don't really know what he means though, because I seldom need the car.

We are still going to the counselor -- we have an appt this sat but I don't know if he will come. The 'wall' is back up and he doesn't answer my phone calls or talk to me. I called (and he did answer once) and asked if he still wanted to be with me and he said, oh here we go again --- leave me alone and hung up.

[ZoeMarie]

Wow! I seriously don't know what to tell you. Does he work? Why doesn't get his own car? I think it's great that you're going to a counselor, it would be better if he came with you but to me it sounds like he doesn't even want to try. I'm a believer in working through a marriage rather than getting a divorce, but to be honest, I'd be leaning toward divorce right now, only because he doesn't seem to want to make things right at all.

[helpmeplease14]

wow! I seriously don't know what to tell you. Does he work? Why doesn't get his own car? I think it's great that you're going to a counselor, it would be better if he came with you but to me it sounds like he doesn't even want to try. I'm a believer in working through a marriage rather than getting a divorce, but to be honest, I'd be leaning toward divorce right now, only because he doesn't seem to want to make things right at all.

That is sad, but I know. He says this is the way things are going to be. He works but is interning and doesn't make very much money right now (I make enough to support us). We are also in a large amount of debt due to his schooling -- and now I am scared if I leave (which is pretty much the worst thing I can imagine) I am going to be stuck with 1/2 of his loans (which are VERY hefty). Does anyone know anything about AA - is it possible he is getting messages from there about me being 'controlling' is there anyway to get through to him? I miss him :(.

[ZoeMarie]

You're sure he's going to AA and not somewhere else though?

[Justwantfair]

Is he using again? Is he using something else?

Sounds like this is his way of escaping (to use) and ensure that you won't question him to determine the problem.

A complete personality change like you are describing seems to be motivated by a user, not a person in recovery. AA teaches not to treat people the way he is behaving, his sponsor is probably not instilling these thoughts in his head. It would be against sponsorship, not that it's not possible but it shouldn't be happening and doesn't make sense if it is.

How long has he been clean & sober?

[ZoeMarie]

Is he using again? Is he using something else?

Sounds like this is his way of escaping (to use) and ensure that you won't question him to determine the problem.

A complete personality change like you are describing seems to be motivated by a user, not a person in recovery. AA teaches not to treat people the way he is behaving, his sponsor is probably not instilling these thoughts in his head. It would be against sponsorship, not that it's not possible but it shouldn't be happening and doesn't make sense if it is.

How long has he been clean & sober?

I have to spread the rep, but exactly!

[helpmeplease14]

Is he using again? Is he using something else?

Sounds like this is his way of escaping (to use) and ensure that you won't question him to determine the problem.

A complete personality change like you are describing seems to be motivated by a user, not a person in recovery. AA teaches not to treat people the way he is behaving, his sponsor is probably not instilling these thoughts in his head. It would be against sponsorship, not that it's not possible but it shouldn't be happening and doesn't make sense if it is.

How long has he been clean & sober?

He has been sober for 6 years. I am quite sure he is not using/drinking. His sponsor is terrible to his wife. When she goes out with her friends he says she is going to 'whore herself out', he has no respect for her. His sponsor has also started taking him gambling at least once a week (which he will NEVER miss) -- we have NO money and he makes MUCH less then I do so he is essentially gambling away the money I make.

Also his job is not very demanding right now (maybe 25-30 hrs a week) and I suggested he pick something else up and he FLIPPED he told me to Off (which he does regularly) -- meanwhile I make 2x as much as him and recently got another job.

The only reason I am still with him is because this is NOT the man I married. He was sweet, and wonderful and it has only been 3 months -- will he every come back?

[Justwantfair]

When did the sponsor step into the relationship? Your husband has to want to work on this relationship also and if he loves you he should be willing to seek out a new sponsor. Is he looking to join GA now? An adequate sponsor would not replace or all replacement of one addiction with another. Addictive personalities are very suceptible to these behaviors. When did all of this start? Give some more background. Hard to get a handle of the situation with this information. What was the addiction? How long? He was clean when you met?

[helpmeplease14]

When did the sponsor step into the relationship? Your husband has to want to work on this relationship also and if he loves you he should be willing to seek out a new sponsor. Is he looking to join GA now? An adequate sponsor would not replace or all replacement of one addiction with another. Addictive personalities are very suceptible to these behaviors. When did all of this start? Give some more background. Hard to get a handle of the situation with this information. What was the addiction? How long? He was clean when you met?

Is he looking to join GA -- are you kidding, he loves going to the casino and doesn't see anything wrong with it.

He was clean when we met (for 1 year). He had the same sponsor he has now. Things were rocky at the beginning and then pretty great for 4 years. We got married. Things are TERRIBLE. He started gambling (with his sponsor) 2 weeks after our honeymoon -- before that he avoiding gambling because he thought it was a bad idea. He has turned mean and hurtful. He says he only married me because I manipulated him into it and that he has been 'faking it' for the past 5 years. But I can't believe it - we had fun together. He loved me, I am sure of it. Can that change in 1 day. I can pinpoint the day -- it was not a slow change, it was abrupt. He says I have to sort myself out. That he will not be controlled anymore. Everything is coming from his sponsor I feel so sure of it. He would never change sponsors -- he is his best (and one of his only) friends.

I am not easy to be in a relationship with, but I don't think I am all the things he calls me. He says I don't know how to be friends with someone -- I just want to boss people around and control them. He says I don't love him, I just want to control him. He says I shouldn't care if he spends time with me or not I should just love him and be happy anyway. I have said I am going to leave a number of times but haven't yet because I am too scared. Now when I say I think I should move out he says --- yeah and then you will just come crying back to me --- and I am afraid he is right. I am a relatively young (27), relatively successful (I have a masters degree) women. All I want is a husband who loves me and children --- a family. I am scared that I am never going to have these things now. I constantly feel sick, never sleep, always cry and feel like I am aging exponentially. I miss him so much.

[Justwantfair]

This relationship isn't healthy for you and the things that he is participating in are not healthy for him. If he doesn't see the problems, he won't work on them. It sounds like your relationship is over, but if this was happening in the past, you probably had indications that this relationship wouldn't work out.

You have lost yourself in this relationship and it sounds like you have given up a great deal of self-respect. Every time you cave in and return to a relationship that you feel you deserve better than... you lose that piece of you, you feel better in the moment that you have gotten back what you think you wanted and that your partner is willing to take you back should mean he loves you.

After that moment is over, you hate yourself for being weak and lose a little piece of self-respect every time that it happens. You need to separate yourself from this situation and you may not be able to do it in one day. Stop worrying about spending time with your husband as he should be just as worried about spending time with you. Start doing things you enjoy, start building a life for yourself outside of the relationship. You may find that in giving him the space and making the choice to not make him your top priority that you are reversing this role he has put you in. You don't have to leave just yet, although it is the healthiest solution, it doesn't sound like you are ready to follow through with such a drastic measure.

By getting back some independence you are allowing yourself to build back up the confidence you will need for the final break.

[helpmeplease14]

That is very good advice -- although difficult. I just wish I could hit rewind or something and go back to before we got married and things were good.

I am going to try and follow this advice and not be the one calling him, it might make me feel a little better about myself in the long run.

This weekend was terrible and ended up (after a long preface) with me telling everything that is going on to his sister. She was very symapathic and suggested I move out. I feel bad for telling her everything because I don't want to interfere with their relationship. She has since told his mom, and now his parents are coming to 'talk to us tonight'. They are first talking to him and then to both of us. I am nervous/scared. If he finds out I told his sister this is going to be a disaster and I may not have to make the decision to leave after all (because he will). I am so scared for this conversation -- something will happen and I feel 95% sure it is going to result in him flipping and leaving --- but there is nothing I can do now but show up and find out.

[ZoeMarie]

The truth had to come out eventually. His family would have found out one way or another. I know sometimes when I have problems with my husband, if I try talking to him about them and I'm not getting anywhere, I sometimes talk to his family just to get some insight as to what I should do.

[helpmeplease14]

That makes me feel a little better about this meeting. I think it is better than just leaving without trying everything. I am just so sad right now -- I never thought things would go in this direction (obviously).

[Justwantfair]

Good luck to you, you are on a tough road and without a partner willing to participate in a change you will have a difficult time mending your marriage.

Hopefully the sit down with his parents will help him see some of the problems, I don't think it sounds like he is ready for any form of intervention at this point, whether it is for his relationship or not.

The gambling situation will take over and it doesn't sound like there is a rock bottom for an individual who isn't aware of a problem. Hopefully you won't find out you are further in debt than you are ever aware of. I know my share of gamblers and done my share of controlled gambling, it is tempting every time, if he is gambling out of control you probably aren't even aware of the books he could be on.

There is a lot to consider in your relationship and you are a healthy 27 year old with your whole life ahead of you and there are good men out there. I hope you find some solance in this situation. Let us know :)

[philly75]

The items that concern me are that he has replaced AA addictions for something else, in other words verbal abuse of you and gambling. They can both be addictive.

Also, the changes happened too quick. I would think that there is something else going on there. Has he taking any prescription medication that he recently went off? Many prescriptions meds can cause depression and alter moods.

He needs help that a sponsor cannot offer, unless they are professionally trained. I would say get him away from his sponsor because (it sounds like) the sponsor is a bad influence on other areas of his life.

Being there and talking it through can be critical to keeping your marriage, if that is really what you want to do.

Good Luck.