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nancy-eastcote · Jun 6, 2008, 08:38 AM

Hi all, I'm new here and I have a question about family law. Im british married to american citizen. I moved to the states over a year ago and my husband has been abusing me verbally and has spent all the money that I had deposit in our shared bank account. I can't stand this situation anymore but I don't have money to leave or pay a lawyer, he told me I would never get a dime from him if I try to get a divorce, that the army lawyers will help him and I'll be in the street if I try to leave him... what can I do?

JudyKayTee · Jun 6, 2008, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by nancy-eastcote

hi all, im new here and i have a question about family law. Im british married to american citizen. I moved to the states over a year ago and my husband has been abusing me verbally and has spent all the money that I had deposit in our shared bank account. I can't stand this situation anymore but I dont have money to leave or pay a lawyer, he told me I would never get a dime from him if i try to get a divorce, that the army lawyers will help him and i'll be in the street if i try to leave him....what can i do??

This is something soon-to-be exes say routinely.

Your divorce/separation will be ruled by the laws in the State where you reside - citizenship will not matter.

So contact a matrimonial Attorney and let him/her proceed - and get paid by your husband. See how many "dimes" you get.

Good luck.

nancy-eastcote · Jun 7, 2008, 05:56 AM

Oh thank you. There is no way he will pay for it though but I'll try to find somebody that offers free consultation.

JudyKayTee · Jun 7, 2008, 06:09 AM

Originally Posted by nancy-eastcote

oh thank you. There is no way he will pay for it though but i'll try to find somebody that offers free consultation.

It's not his choice - the Court will order it in "most" cases where this is a difference in income and assets. This way you can receive good representation without having to worry about the cost.

George_1950 · Jun 7, 2008, 06:17 AM

Nancy, you need to take the time to 'interview' several lawyers because they are all different in their approaches and beliefs. Judy's point, as I read it, is that you are being abused and intimidated by your husband. Obviously, we don't know the whole story, as your attorney and judge will need to hear all of it. But an award of attorney fees payable to your lawyer by your husband is within the realm of possibility; the law was written that way years ago to 'level' the playing field for dependent women. When Judy says the court will 'order' payment of attorney fees, there is a remedy for enforcement called contempt, which can lead to him being incarcerated for failure to obey a court order. Doesn't make him a criminal, but proves he may be an A.H.

nancy-eastcote · Jun 7, 2008, 06:55 AM

So getting in touch with a lawyer would be the first step, right? Is there anything else I should do or the lawyer will take over? My husband went through my phone and found out that I've been calling lawyers and said that he will change the locks and put me in the street. That if I want to leave him so bad I should take my clothes and go. Im just so overwhelmed... I have a job, I will be able to rent a place+deposit in about 4 months, and will also need to buy a new car as he has taken ours. I just can't to cry...

George_1950 · Jun 7, 2008, 07:04 AM

It sounds as though you are at a point where you need to locate a women's shelter to get away and get your emotions settled. He is no gentleman. Yes, a lawyer is a first step. You haven't mentioned kids; but an attorney can get an emergency hearing and get possession of your home for you, if that is what you want. Keep in mind, not all attorneys are comfortable with these cases so you need to find one in the matrimonial area of law. What state?

nancy-eastcote · Jun 7, 2008, 07:28 AM

virginia. I've checked shelters and the closest one is 45minutes away driving. I would spend around 100 dollars in taxis a day to go to work. We don't have kids wich is a blessing.He was a wonderful man when we got married.. I don't know what we've done wrong. Thank you so much george, I'll try to keep my head up and get out of this mess...

Fr_Chuck · Jun 7, 2008, 07:32 AM

Ok, if or if not you get anything will be decided by the court, and no the military lawyers do not do the divorce work for him.

What you need to do is decide what or how long you want to make this work,
1. move to a women's shelter and find a job and get started
2. get a job now, put money into a separate savings account just in your name. And when possible take a small amount from your joint account and put it into your account.

George_1950 · Jun 7, 2008, 07:35 AM

Virginia is a big state. Check this: DivorceNet - Virginia Divorce Lawyers
I noticed on a Google search that Virginia has a chapter of the Trial Lawyers 'n; you might give them a call Monday and request a referral in your area.

JudyKayTee · Jun 7, 2008, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by nancy-eastcote

So getting in touch with a lawyer would be the first step, right? is there anything else i should do or the lawyer will take over? my husband went through my phone and found out that i've been calling lawyers and said that he will change the locks and put me in the street. That if i want to leave him so bad i should take my clothes and go. Im just so overwhelmed... i have a job, i will be able to rent a place+deposit in about 4 months, and will also need to buy a new car as he has taken ours. I just can't to cry...

I'm sure you want to put your head down and cry - but right now you have to be as strong as possible. You know you're stronger than he is, right? All he knows how to do is threaten but you have the edge - you know how to think!

He has no legal right to change the locks and put you out and if he does (and I hope you have a backup plan, someplace to stay, if not why don't you pack a little bag so you can spend a night or two in a woman's shelter - they aren't all bad, some are very nice, you will be protected, you will be with people who have been there and understand) you first contact the Police (sometimes they will help and sometimes they won't) and then you call an Attorney, any Attorney, and you say, "This is an emergency" and you get in to see the Attorney and you start the proceeding.

If you leave him without speaking to an Attorney you are abandoning the marriage and it could cost you in the end - I know you aren't thinking about the money, you just want out, but hang on through the weekend and then take action.

OBVIOUSLY if he puts his paws on you - pushes, slaps, whatever - you call the Police IMMEDIATELY. He'll sob and cry and apologize but don't live in a dangerous situation.

Hang in there - I promise you it will get better. And please stay in touch -

nancy-eastcote · Jun 9, 2008, 02:24 PM

Thank you all so much, you've been wonderful. I'll keep in touch

Love

Nancy

JudyKayTee · Jun 9, 2008, 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by nancy-eastcote

thank you all so much, you've been wonderful. i'll keep in touch

love

nancy

You are the only one who knows your situation but if he was wonderful, now things have changed, have you considered a counsellor or therapist - either both of you or you alone? Maybe something is wrong in his life - ?

MsMewiththat · Jun 10, 2008, 07:45 AM

I pray for your safety and agree that if it ever becomes physical your safety is what is most important. In that case my one suggestion here would be to have him removed from the property not you. Since you are married you have some rights to the property. Possession is important at this point. Packing a bag and leaving regardless of the time is just that "leaving". Once you have left it could make it harder to be let back. Stay with the property so that you are allotted your just due.