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Vanessa M · Dec 8, 2008, 04:51 AM

Hi... My names Vanessa and this is my story...

As you can see from the topic line... I am 21 years old.
My mum passed away a few years ago and I have two younger brothers.(13 and 18 Years old).

Basically the problem I am having with my father is that he drinks a lot and makes it unbearable to be at home with him. I have a steady Job and Study parttime as well as do the normal daily chores since We don't have a maid and my mums late. I have a boyfriend for 3 years but have decided not to get married although it would make my life easier because that would mean leaving my 13year old brother with my father who swears and screams at him all the time.And I just cannot do that. My bigger brother was chased out of the house by my father for no reason and now lives with my neighbour.

My father does nothing for me financially... I don't expect him to and I take care of my brothers.I pay for my bigger brothers studies and buy my smaller brothers clothes etc since my father does not buy neding for them. He buys all household stuff but constantly moans and groans when my smaller brother eats stuff. Also my fathers family have become ever so close to him after my mums death and he pays all their accounts and stuff (although there are two salary earners in their family). Therefore I do not see the need to contribute to the monthly expenses of our house as I feekl my contribution is taking care of my brothers.

On a weekday I go to work,go home,cook,cleanup and go to tech.
On a weekend I wake up cook clean and spend my day at my bf's house.(since my house is unbearable.)

My father sees this as unacceptable and is contstantly moaning and groaning.Although The latest I have ever been home is 10pm.

Ever since I was 13 years old I have been fufilling a mothers chores as well as taking care of my mum who was sik at the time. Am I being wrong in anything that I am doing?

I need to hear from other parents.Some advice please.

Vanessa M · Dec 8, 2008, 05:01 AM

Oh and just to add to that.I did suggest we go for family conselling but my father refuses to and says he doesn't need it.

I also spoke to him about alcohol and he says that he buys it sp we must not say anything.

450donn · Dec 8, 2008, 07:51 AM

The options I see here and this is from my prospective. Mom was the family drunk. Her and her boyfriend would sit up and drink themselves silly about three or four nights a week. So again this is from my prospective. Is your boyfriend up to either marrying you or living with you and your brothers? I know, a ready made family is hard for a young man to handle. But if he loves you, get the boys and you out of this dangerous situation. I know it is not ideal, but sometimes you have to make the best of bad situations. Even though your mother is dead and that has basically left you feeling you need to take care of the boys, in reality it will only last a few more years and then you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did your best for your brothers considering the hell you have at home. Since my mom was the drink, my sister was stuck in the same situation for several years. Only problem was that I still had to live at home alone for several years after she got out. So I can sympathize with your plight.

Vanessa M · Dec 8, 2008, 10:57 PM

Yes my boyfriend will marry me and will help with my brothers.

The thing is I am really worried about my dad.What if I take my brothers and leave him alone... what if he commits suicide.

450donn · Dec 9, 2008, 07:40 AM

Vanessa,
Please listen to me very carefully.
THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM! I don't know how to put it any other way. He has screwed up your life because of his problems. No matter what he does to himself IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Yes, I am yelling at you about this, and please forgive me for that. Your father has already dealt you a bad hand and he is already trying to kill himself with alcohol. So the best and only thing you can do is get out of a really bad situation. If at all possible get your brothers out with you. Then please do yourselves a favor and get some professional help. Not sure where you are living, but I would bet that there are social services to help you and your brothers in dealing with the mess your father has caused. At the very least find a alateen support group and join them.
I know this is not how you envisioned your life going at this point in time, but God placed you in this situation so that you could be a help to others. That right now involves doing what ever it takes to make sure that you and your brothers are safe, healthy and can grow to adulthood with as few scars from this ordeal as possible. I will pray that you find the strength to do what is necessary.

ZoeMarie · Dec 9, 2008, 08:01 AM

450donn is right. If you can get out of this situation you should and it sounds like you can. I can relate, not totally because my dad doesn't have a drinking problem, but he wasn't there for my brother and I after my mom died. Instead he was out dating another woman and spending the night at her house all the time. My mom had multiple sclerosis and for as long as I can remember I was taking care of everything around the house, at a very young age. I was 11 when she passed away and for years before that I was making dinner, doing dishes, cleaning up around the house, laundry, making sure my brother and I were up and ready for school every morning and that when my dad came home dinner was on the table. I can say, that even though it was a lot of work, I'm happy that I stepped up to the plate and took the responsibility of being there for my brother. To this day he knows he can count on me when he needs me. We had been through a lot together. I won't go into all the detail but my dad married the woman he was seeing and it was the absolute worst 5 years of my life (he finally saw the light and they got divorced) because she treated us both horribly.