[Dori740620]

Im 28 years old and have been involved with a man that I love dearly and am totally committed to.

During the start of our relationship, we began speaking about our pasts, which I lied and hid a lot of mine as I didn't want him knowing the truth. Because my past was not something I wanted to share with anyone, for fear of him never wanting to be with me.

I did, share some of the details of my promiscuity and all the details of being abused as a child, during a recent fight, I revealed all my past of everything I ever did. The orgies and other stuff I got up to. I thought if he accepted all the other details, he would be upset by this, but we would be able to work past this. But this is not the case, he tells me that he loves me deeply but can never get past who I was. That the love he has for me, is for someone that wasn't a whore.

I never had anyone, in my life to tell me that what I was doing was wrong or to guide me in a different direction. When I was abused, my mother never left my step father and made me live with him, until I moved out at 20. There was no role model in my life, barring friends, who some were doing the same thing I was doing and doing it with me. Others weren't, but never tried to stop me.

I have never wanted anyone else but him, He is the most important person in my life.
Nothing else matters to me but him and our relationship. I keep telling him this, but he doesn't believe me. I know that my lies in the beginning of our relationship have caused this. But it's the truth. When I met him, I stopped flirting with everyone, and put all my energy into him. I Love him dearly and constantly think about him and what we had. Till now I am begging him to give us the chance to get what we had. For me to prove to him that he is all I ever want and need.

This is the hardest thing in world for me to deal with, because he has made me feel so special and so loved, in ways that I never felt before. He is my friend, my lover, my confidant, he is everything I ever need. I could go through life and only have him, I would be happy - because he makes me so happy.

How do I convince him to give us the time to get what we had back, that we can get past my past. That I am not that person anymore. That our love is worth fighting for?
The best part of our relationship, was that we worked together so we saw each other every day - we were constantly with each other, with all the fighting and all this going on, its made it very hard to be able to work, I can't concentrate on anything else but what I want and that's to keep us together. Now he wants me to apply for another position within the company so he doesn't have to work so closely with me. When he knows that I love my job, that I love working with him.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[TrueFaith]

Well sweet :)

We have all had bad pasts. OK

But as long as you are TRUE, to your partner which sounds like you have been
And you only want to be with him

He should stop being so insecuer. And get over himself

And take you for who you really are
Not the women you was!
But the women are today!

Talk with him a bit more. But never BEG anyone to accept you!
If he can't handel it find someone that can.

[KBC]

Dori,this sounds amazingly like a post by a male,only from the females point of view.The post can't be more than a week old.

I am going to look for it and post his reactions and opinions for you to look at.

KBC

[Dori740620]

Dori,this sounds amazingly like a post by a male,only from the females point of view.The post can't be more than a week old.

I am going to look for it and post his reactions and opinions for you to look at.

KBC

KBC, I am the person he is talking about.

[KBC]

KBC, I am the person he is talking about.

Well,that's what I was kind of thinking,but you know,assumptions and the results...

[KBC]

KBC, I am the person he is talking about.

That admission is very commendable,I appreciate your honesty!

[Dori740620]

I have been faitful to him and am not interested in anyone else but him. Nothing and no one is more important to than him and our relationship.

[Dori740620]

Nothing I do seems to be working, in convincing him that I am not that person I was in school. That I am totally committed to him and our relationship. He keeps telling me that he can not get past this, that whenever he sees me he sees the "whore".
That he doesn't want me anymore.

But I can't accept that we can't get past this. Since meeting him, he has shown me, that the life I led was not right, in fact it was nothing but trashy and not something girls should do. He's shown me the type of person I want to be. And in the 10 months we've been together, I have changed. We have been through a lot in the 10 months, but we've always come through stronger. I can't think of life without him. My life seems pointless without him.

I can't stop living on hope that in time we can get past this. We can have the relationship, that we had. I keep telling him that I will never give up on us. Because in my heart, he is all I ever want.

This is tearing me apart, I can't deal with not having him in my life. I don't see the point in living without him.

Suggestions on how to deal with this and how to convince him that things have changed, that we should give us a chance to heal and get past this. Not End it when, ending it is tearing us both apart.

[stevetcg]

Some people can accept other's pasts some cannot. I was able to accept that my ex used to be a prostitute because she was true to me (ultimately not, but that's a different story).

Did he expect that you were a virgin coming in? Your past is your past, not his. You did what you did and you either regret it or not. Still none of his business.

If ending it is bad for both of you, smack him in the head and tell him to get over it. If he throws it in your face every time you get in a fight, light him on fire...

Seriously though... if he cannot get over it for real, once and for all, ultimately your relationship is doomed. If he cannot see that you have changed, you need to accept the fact that he isn't in love with the real you, because the real you isn't some virgin princess, but *GASP* a real person who has regrets and transgressions but has grown from them and because of them.

[KBC]

Nothing I do seems to be working, in convincing him that I am not that person I was in school. That I am totally committed to him and our relationship. He keeps telling me that he can not get past this, that whenever he sees me he sees the "whore".
That he doesnt want me anymore.

But I can't accept that we can't get past this. Since meeting him, he has shown me, that the life I led was not right, in fact it was nothing but trashy and not something girls should do. He's shown me the type of person I want to be. And in the 10 months we've been together, I have changed. We have been through alot in the 10 months, but we've always come through stronger. I can't think of life without him. My life seems pointless without him.

I can't stop living on hope that in time we can get past this. We can have the relationship, that we had. I keep telling him that I will never give up on us. Because in my heart, he is all I ever want.

This is tearing me apart, I can't deal with not having him in my life. I dont see the point in living without him.

suggestions on how to deal with this and how to convince him that things have changed, that we should give us a chance to heal and get past this. Not End it when, ending it is tearing us both apart.

You are not a bad person,we all have a past.

Just because your past isn't in line with his morals/principals doesn't mean you are a bad person.

Like my response to him(if you have read it) ultimately,he has to make the decision on this,it's his morals/principals which are being questioned(him judging you,his acceptance or rejection of you)

You have to be strong,keep the mental high road,be prepared for any direction this might go.(my 10 year marriage was based on the ideas he is basing his decisions on.)

Acceptance is key to this,him accepting your past(or not)You accepting your past(or having it be a 'crutch'/shield for you to have as an integral part of your identity)

Throwing it out(if I remember how it was delivered)during the fight, makes it an identity issue.

Is this what you want to identified as(what is YOUR perception of yourself)

Are we the sum of our past?Are we 'more than' because of our past?Or 'less than' because of our past?(personal perception)

I understand this is a little deep,it's a look into the human mind.

I,personally,would like you 2 to see a way through this,to grow from this difference instead of throwing away the time(life) you have shared up to this point.

I know others are adding their thoughts and perceptions in this post and I hope you can come up with a resolution with all of this help.

KBC

[talaniman]

Let me tell you right off, that he has the problem you don't. If he can't, love, accept, and appreciate, who you are, he is not the one for you, and you deserve someone who can.

Maybe one day he will grow up, and get over himself, but until then, leave him alone. I know you see each other at work, but if he can't handle that, then that's HIS problem too! Be business like, and polite, but unavailable for any of his immature BS.

I am pretty sure I told him already in his own post, to either get over it, or get gone, so push pass this guy, and live a life that makes you happy, without this sap.

Don't let a boy, and his attitude bring you down, because you have come to far, and are better than that.

[Dori740620]

I never wanted this to be an Identity issue. I've hidden the truth about my past, because I didn't want anyone to know what I did. I wanted people to love me and respect me for who I am now. It came out like it did, because he realised that I had not been truthful about my past when we had been discussing it.
I didn't have any choice but to open up and tell him everything that had really happened. I know I should have given him the opportunity to make the decision to get involved with me knowing the information about my past. But I couldn't risk anyone knowing about it.

I have been spending the last few weeks, crying and then getting some relief that we would try get past this, only to break down again, when he tells me he cant.
He tells me that he still loves me and part of him wants to make this work. But he doesn't know how to reconcile the person that he loves to the reality of my past.
I can't give up on us, we have become so attached to each other, that I can not bear to not have in my life.
We have been trying to see if we can stay together and heal together, and I think that we can, that we will get back everything that we had. We spent an afternoon together yesterday, and I thought that everything was going great. I know that there were times that he was thinking about the past. But we had a really great day together. We were meant to spend the evening together tonight as well, but he tells me this morning that, he's been thinking about the past and now he doesn't want to meet me later.
My heart has been shattered, and I keep asking him to spend the night with me as planned, that us spending time together is helping us get past this.

I just don't know what to do? I want so desperately for us to stay together and re-build the relationship we had.
Any Advice would be appreciated.

[talaniman]

I really think either, you leave him alone for a while, to wrestle with this in his own way, without your influence, as this is hurting you too, or you stand up for yourself, and not let your past be used against you, by his insecurities, and immaturities.

Either way, be very upfront, and honest about your own feelings, which is only fair. He isn't suffer a darn thing more than you are, and needs to get over himself. Just my opinion.

[Stripperman]

You blew it, if you told him then it is set in stone. He will never forget and each time the phone rings or a text comes in that's it, until he see's who it is then it will be presumed to be a partner blast from the past.

[Dori740620]

Need some help and just need to get this off my chest. Don't know where else to do it.

I was abused first by my cousin and then my step father which cared on for 2 years. I found that after a year - I seemed to have fallen in love with my abuser to an extent that I waited for it to happen.
I was 13 when it started.
When it all stopped, I seemed to have used sex as a way of acceptance - to find love. I did really crazy things and today feel like a whore for doing them. I was never able to be faithful to any of my boyfriends - and if there was trouble I always had a back up.

But now, my whole life has been ruined by this, as I fell in love with a fantastic man, that has supported me throughout dealing with my abuse. But I hid a lot of my school days and my sexual life away cause I didn't want him to know what I had done. But its all come out, and I'm losing the man I love because of this. I can't and don't want to live my life without him. One of our 'friends' asked him yesterday out of the blue if he could me. Which has now created doubt in my boyfriends mind, that I haven't changed that Im still the same unfaithful whore I was then. But I have been faithful to him, and am completely and utterly devoted to him and saving our relationship.
I love this man for than life itself and without him I don't have anything to live for.
I landed up in hospital for suicidal intentions and an emotional breakdown and can't seem to stop these thoughts since coming out of hospital.

If I lose him, there is no point.

[itried]

Man, that is a really bad position to be in and I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now. However, I can understand where he is coming from because it sounds like he is the type of guy who really wants to be with someone who has a past that meets his expectations and standards of conduct and there is nothing wrong with that at all. He just feels like he has been lied to (and I guess he has). He is not a jerk or a sap because he has expectations from his partner if he himself has abstained from those activities, but if he is being a hypocrite then that's another story altogether. Trust me, this has nothing to do with him being nice or mature or anything like that. He just feels like he doesn't know you anymore because you have become a different person to him instantly. You can't change this so you shouldn't even try, just let him make his own decision and then live with it, though I know that is easier said than done. He shouldn't have to "deal" with his girlfriend being a "whore". And you shouldn't be with someone who is in that state of mind. There is no right or wrong, and he is not an and you're not a whore. In his perfect world, his partner would not have had a promiscuous past and that is his right to believe in if he so chooses. This is just an incompatibility between his expectations and reality. You two haven't been together long enough for him to truly understand that you have actually changed and are not that person anymore. I have grappled with similar issues as him and was able to get past the same thoughts that he is having now. It had nothing to do with maturity but instead with a re-calibration of my perspective and the fact that I cherished what I had more so than I cherished what I was looking for. I don't think that it is unreasonable for him to have these expectations for his parter just as you probably don't find it unreasonable for him to get over it and give you a chance to prove it. Just let him come around on his own. If he doesn't just keep looking. Neither of you should have to settle and you both deserve to get what you want out of a partner. I think that it's great that you told him, and that in itself kind of indicates that you are on your way to proving that you are not that person anymore. He should also look into the affects that abuse has on people and maybe this would give him some perspective as well. If he really is a fantastic guy, this is the least that he could do. Your past has had a tremendous effect on you, but it shouldn't define you at all. Education on the subject will work wonders,a and addressing the root causes of these issues is the healthiest way of dealing with them. This probably isn't what you want to hear but I hope it helps anyway. Good luck with everything.

[itried]

By the way, you should never think that your life previous to this guy was not right. There are no such things as right or wrong. You can only judge yourself by how doing something makes you feel about yourself at that time. Not by how others feel about what you do. Everyone has the right to an opinion and to do whatever it is they want to do. Never be ashamed of your past at all. You know why you did what you did and that is a step towards your personal growth and healing. Don't ever, ever let this guy make you think that your past is something to be ashamed of. But again, it is his right to believe whatever it is he believes. Someone will come along, if not him, that will see your struggles as something admirable and to be proud of instead of something you should be ashamed of. You two work together at the same job, so basically you have both climbed just as high as each other on the ladder of life, so why should you believe that you are less than him? Your past has taken you to the same place as him so how can he put you down because of it. You should be proud of yourself. I'm all over the place, I know, but this post has really resonated with me because I can see both sides of the story.

[talaniman]

You have been through a lot, and there is a lot to do to get your healing started. Don't depend on another to get that healing, as this is for you, not him.

Just love yourself, by giving yourself a chance to put things in your mind where they belong, so you can see that you can overcome, and deal with your issues, and find the love and happiness we all seek, and work for.

Then you can share it with the right person, and be dependent on no one to be happy. It's a long process, but you deserve the good that comes from it. Love yourself, and take the help, and support from those that know you, and care about you.

If I lose him, there is no point.

There is always a point to being happy with who you are, and looking forward to being better, so you have something good to share with those that love and care.

Your view of love may be a bit off at this time, but doing good things for yourself will bring things back to clear understanding. You can do this for yourself, and leave everyone else's problems in the past, as you move forward.

Don't let his narrow view of you, stop you from loving yourself. Thats HIS problem, not yours.

[Dori740620]

An Update and advice still needed!

We are still together, no longer working together he left our previous company 1 month before I did.

Although we are still together, we are still constantly fighting about my past. He has on numerous occasions tried to end us, but somehow I manage to keep him with me. I am trying so hard to prove to him that I am not the person - I was back then, but he questions and doubts everything that I do or say, which is understandable considering I have lied to him in the beginning. I don't go anywhere without getting his approval first, if he doesn't respond when I ask I don't go. But this causes trouble with my family as they don't understand why I never want to go anywhere.
Just recently I had to go set up for a function at a golf day for work, he freaked and told me I couldn't go, when my boss started putting pressure on me, and I explained to my man, that this was happening - he wasn't very happy but agreed that I could go, but was still very suspicious, on the way down there, he questioned who picked me up who was with me - what time I was going to be back, and whilst travelling down, he told me to off, that he wanted nothing to do with me, accused me of having it off with my boss. Which is not the case I didn't even see my boss until just before I left when he came to tee off at the hole we had set up our watering hole at. But still my man doubts me! He refused to see me and I begged and pleaded - pretty much demanded to see him, which when I did - I managed to calm things down and we still together.
I guess my concern is, are we ever going to get through this together? Will we ever have a strong enough relationship that possibly we could settle together, and consider a family? Cause he keeps telling me that he doesn't know if he will ever get over this, and he can not see us ever having a family together as he doesn't want a whore as the mother of his kids...
Any advice or comments would be appreciated!

[talaniman]

Seems your still holding out the false hope that he will some how change to fit your idea of trust, and respect, and be happy ever after.

Why should he change and understand when present circumstances give him control over his whore? That's what he thinks of you and he will always be afraid of you going back to the wild child you were before him. He is saving you from yourself, and this is very unhealthy.

I have to say that your fear of losing him has made you his willing hostage and that's all he needs is for you to think he will leave, for you to cave, and give him power again. Just like a child knowing how to make his mother give him whatever he wants by throwing a hissy fit. This too, is unhealthy.

You have tried to give him power, yet he doesn't use it to build trust, respect, nor understanding, but to control, and degrade you, and all you do. Is this your idea of love? Or happiness for that matter?

Until you have the courage to see how your life will be in the future with him, and reject his control attempts, by not allowing him to judge you, then this is how it will always be.

You need to let him leave, and stay gone long enough, with no begging from you, that he sees the error of his ways, so you both can start rebuilding for the future, and let go of the past.

As long as you keep allowing yourself to be abused and controlled by him, he certainly will.

Is counseling available for you both as a couple? If he refuses to go, then its an option for just you to help guide you through the process of becoming independent of this fellow, and getting to a point where you are sufficiently strong enough to stop enabling his bad behavior.

Only through your not standing for his nonsense will it stop, and if he leaves, for whatever reason, let him.

That's the only way to have a healthy functioning relationship. You both have to be healthy, in mind, body and soul, and work together, to solve issues, not give in to them. That's exactly what your doing, allowing bad behavior, because you don't see your true self worth, and he doesn't either.

But you picked him, so its up to you to make him understand you, and what you need.

For sure, being open and respectful, and catering to his insecurity isn't working well, but kicking him to the curb, and getting yourself together will free you to grow to a much happier person, who doesn't allow abuse by any one.

You have been looking for love in the wrong places, so stop looking and love yourself.

That's what will work.