[c215dhx]

Sorry for the length... but just wanted to be open and honest!

Have been having an off on relationship with my ex (Su) of 7yrs for the past 15mths! I finished with a previous ex (Sam 34) and met Su (20) who was my brother's g/f's sister. There was a mutual attraction unknown to each other at the time so when we saw each other at a nephews party I put my phone number in her phone without her knowledge. She called one day and we agreed to go to the movies. She'd had a relationship with my younger brother when she was just 15 that she ended after approx 5mths She had a relationship with a close family friend which ended painfully as she found out he had been cheating on her. She went off the rails somewhat due to her hurt and had flings even with my brother who was going out with her sister! I knew of her past because my brother came to me for advice when he found out she was pregnant and was panicking! We went on our date and she mad it clear that she fancied me so we soon became lovers. I latter found out she had another lover who was a DJ and that she had tricked my brother that she was pregnant as she felt guilty and wanted him to leave her alone. She finished with the DJ whilst I finished with a distance g/f who was at Uni in Liverpool which meant we were now dating exclusively. My ex Sam was still on the scene however and would call or visit on an adhoc basis. The issue of Su having slept with both my brothers and family friend and her checkered past had given her a bad reputation for sleeping around so I didn’t fully trust her or think there was a future as I’m 14yrs older than her - so I didn’t cut off Sam completely! As time wore and I got to know Su more I could tell she was growing up and that her past should be ignored. The inevitable happened and there was a big row when I bought Sam to my house only to find Su waiting for me. I big row ensued with me telling Sam that I’m now with Su (who she recognised as my brothers g/f’s sister) She tearfully stormed out as did Su. I ran after Su and explained that I wanted to be with her and that I had finished with Sam. Relieved and angry she came back. A big row broke out when my brother found out after Sam called him with the family so we had to keep our relationship secret!

In the new year I set a goal to buy a house and hoped Su would share that ambition. We enjoyed our first holiday together but she lost her accommodation and job so things became strained. Meanwhile Sam had not given up and was persistently was contacting me. My feelings for Su were deep but I was frustrated with her lack of commitment to anything although my heart wished for more, Sam knew of my wish o buy a house so approached me re investing in a flat that was on a new development! I felt uneasy but realised I would be an asset for my future so agreed. Whilst at the developers they explained that they were building townhouses as they new I wanted to buy a property to live in. Sam came along and said it could be a new start for us if we purchased one together. I said I’d give it some thought as it would mean that I’d have to finish with Su.

After much soul searching and deliberating I agreed to buy and get back with Sam.
When I explained this to Su after taking her to the unfinished house I felt a deep sense of loss and sadness saying goodbye and told her I didn’t want to end things with her. Surprisingly she didn’t either and for 5yrs we secretly dated! Over time I realised that I liked Sam but was not in love with her but enjoyed having owning my own place. As time went on I found out from Su some distressing news about her childhood that really shocked and upset me as she had suffered sexual abuse from her half brothers and sisters and extreme physical abuse from her father. I guess that kind of made her seem vunerable to me and I felt very proctective and responsible for her going forward. The relationship was very strained and we broke up over 100+ times for varying reasons. She even got herself a new boyfriend! Earlier she became pregnant but she was living in a bedsit, had lost contact with her family and was not working and I was still living with Sam so we went to have an abortion. The relationship with me and Sam was going nowhere so we ended up selling the house in June 2007. By this time the relationship with Su had become very strained and the selling of the house didn’t improve the relationship. I moved in with a work colleague and was seeing her on and off at her bedsit but it was very strained.as we were constantly arguing.We split up and I decided that that was that I moved on with my life only for to call me out of the blue to say that she was pregnant and with or without me she was going to keep it! Her relationship with her family had been improving but or relationship was still a secret. We met but had a row because she wanted to keep it even though we had split up. Due to complications in Nov 2007 she had to have a termination that I attended. As a result of this we became close. I had since moved in with Sam on a temporary basis so felt that I had to let Su know what my intentions were. After lengthy discussions we spent xmas and went out together on new years eve. In Feb I started looking for a place to live which she helped me with and move out of Sam’s in March. Su was receiving help to deal with her childhood abuses so became extremely volatile which resulted in us having numerous arguments. I tried to get the relationship back on track as I felt that the worst had already happened so we deserve to enjoy some good times! However we Kept breaking up and getting back together. She always wanted to be friends but we’d always end making out, then brek up it just a vicious cycle, In June I found out to my shock that I had cancer of the kidney so in Aug had to have it removed! We’d split up but got back together and went on a quick holiday before my op. After the op she stayed at mine to look after me which raised a few eyebrows in the families as they had always suspected that I was the father of the baby she had wanted to keep!

Things between us got increasingly more difficult especially as she as now attending courses and getting further counselling to help her deal with her temper,sleep problems, past abuses etc. She explained that she didn’t want to let it effect me and that she needed to concentrate on herself and just wants to be friends.

Her sister had a B/Day celebration in Nov and for the first time ever we all went out as a big group My brother (her first love) 2nd Brother .(secret love and her sisters b/f) and her other sister and we publicly danced together and she’d already told her sisters that I was staying at hers afterwards! The secrecy is no longer needed!

We try the friendship route, but we end up sleeping together after making passes at each other or flirting.

I walked away when after spending the night/making out with her yet again, out of the blue she’ll say we are meant to be just friends. So why does she keep undressing in front of me, cuddling me etc if that’s all that she wants? Then she gets upset when I get up to leave?

I want to be there as a B/F and get through this together

The mixed messages are doing my head in?

I want to get on with my life so ny advice/criticisms of me are welcome!

[kimsland]

What a few years of life
Really you must be attracted to this scene of hiccups and issues

I'm just going to be blunt (well I'm blunt all the time, nothing special)
Pick one girl, stay with her. Make a life together.
Stop trying to cause any more dramatics, she's been through enough.
Start being serious, and settle. Really it's not required any more, just settle down, I'd say she'll stay when you start being more stable around her (That's right, not her. But you with her!)

Here's your word of the day: Stabilize.

[c215dhx]

I hear you. Seriously I do want to settle down and stabilize. I'm 42! It seems I have no luck with the timing! I want to settle down now but she needs/wants time alone. I try to move on then she contacts me and thaen blam.. cycle happens again... I'm going out of my mind! Don't want to be single or messed aout by her... so how do I interpret her mixed messages? It's stopping me from letting her go..

[kimsland]

42 and you've been through a lot
For your benefit I'm older and been through more (who knows, probably)

I don't understand your last line

It's stopping me from letting her go..

If you don't want her, move on.
(line intentionally left blank)
You're getting on now, no more.
Either settle with her (say give it a few weeks of trying) or move on
That's all

[c215dhx]

If you don't want her, move on.
(line intentionally left blank)
What does this mean?

I would like us to work through this now, together. I'd like to use our disappointments and trials as an opportunity to grow stronger together which will act as proof that together we can thrive in spite of life's obstacles.

I don't like bailing ship just because the waters have become stormy!

Her constant mood swings and changes of heart make it confusing re staying and fighting or giving up and leaving.

Your wisdom here would be very helpful.

If I give-up how do I treat her when she contacts me asking ' how am I doing? '

[kimsland]

You stick to your decision that's how
When I leave a gap between statements, I'm trying to emphasize it more, watch this:

Go and read your last post

You're not stable either!

See how that hits home?
Now, remember that old saying, today is the first day bla bla bla.
Well there's no bad history to build on, this is a new beginning
I told you (do you like how I don't say "suggest" ?) to give it a few weeks of trying
Then all done, one way or the other.

Good

Luck

:)

[c215dhx]

kimsland firstly thanks for the time you've tken to read and reply.

In an effort to take advantage of your advice can you clear up my one stumbling block.

Her mouth says she wants us to be friends, I agree to that and tell her that there's then, no need for cuddling, getting undressed in front of me and to keep it platonic. She said I couldn't handle myself but I assured her that I could and would! I stayed 2wks ago at her place after dropping off a TV. We agreed to the above before I came over and it was fine. I left in the morning and went home. She then calls me in the evening telling me she had a dream that we had sex! Then she said she had wanted to jump me! She invited me back and Stayed the w/end. She was all over me and it was great! Then we speak during the week and she behaves like we are 'just' friends again? We argue on Thurs and she explains she wants to help me so I can stay at hers on Mon as I'm working in town on Tues (she lives in town) We do not speak again till Mon when she calls to see if I'm still coming. I go and act platonic. She puts on a film and keeps bending over, touching me and closing the distance between us. I say I went to go to sleep now so we say good night. She keeps talking and I tell her I want to sleep. She apologises and then turns to face me. She gives me that look so I kiss her. Then she pulls back and says no but carries on staring at me. The and she takes off her top and jumps me! In the morning she's all cuddles and we work to catch public transport. I come back after work after se calls saying she 's cooking us dinner. Then she brings the dinner acting all cranky because she hasn't eaten all day and then she starts questioning the friendship! I got dressed and left! She's now calling me MR Cool as I just walked away yet again. So my question remains

What does she want?

I'm going out of my mind ;(

[kimsland]

Hmm Not friendship ;)
Hey she may be over sexed or whatever. But actually I do believe she just wants you
I'm pretty sure she's stirring you up (you know crazily) to see if you're man enough (in her eyes) for you to be strongly with her, or without. She's thinking "with" And you're still thinking about it.

That's just her way of making sure, how determined you are.
Don't crack,. decide!

[c215dhx]

Was not expecting that response from you!

'm beginning to believe that her mood swings and changes of heart are indicitive that she wants to move on as she's trying to find herself but is trying to be nice about it.
I know she doesn't want to loose me as a friend ans she knows that 'm prepared to do the no contact gig. We started as lovers ended up in a relationsip. I don't believe it's possible to then just be friends.. although that is how she verbalises it She constantly accuses me of not listening to her and questions me re 'why can't we be friends?' When I say I'll try but it can only work if it's platonic she becomes all touchy feelly again or starts asking ' How am I feelling?' ' How am I? ' questions antalking about what do I want for Xmas.

Will it be mean of me to tell her friends simply won't work and ignore all contact?

Kimsland I know friendship is out of the question but don't want to appear dictorial by saying relationship or lovers only?

Just hating being in limbo!

BTW This has been so helpful and I feel like you're a buddy now so would like to add you as my Facebook friend! :)

[wolfgangqpublic]

She was too young for you when you started dating, and seems to have had an enormously tumultuous last few years.

This girl was never "meant to be" with you - in fact, it seems that your interest was the sole thing sustaining this relationship for most of its duration. Cut your losses, please.

[Ruislip]

Wow! That was inciteful! Thanks

So what do I do when she contacts me asking ' How am I? '

[kimsland]

Hi Ruislip
No sorry, no Facebook or whatever!

I have been told to become more acquainted with some of the guidelines here
I do tend to speak my mind at times, and obviously this is just in my opinion, and may therefore, not be correct for all

Oh I stand by my words. In my view ;)

[kimsland]

Doh!

I meant Hi c215dhx

But I'm not allowed to Edit yet, so had to double post!

[talaniman]

Hard as I tried to change the channels on this soap opera, I couldn't. Beeboping back, and forth between females, with all this drama, and intrigue, makes for good TV, but a messy life.

You really need to get out of this circle, and find some normal people.

I think I'll go along with stable as a key word, and disappear from the lives of these unstable females.

[Tracy007]

You say Su has suffered sexual abuse from her half brothers and sisters and extreme physical abuse from her father. Well done for helping her in that extreme difficult time :) and am sorry that she had to go through all that. Wow, both of you have been through a lot. She is working through personal and painful issues. All change is stressful and even the most positive changes can create stresses, which can set you back. This is one of the reasons why progress is rarely smooth but tends to happen in a series of "ups and downs." Your progress, with its emotional and behavioral changes, can lead to improvements but also tensions in relationships. I think that she is confused of what she really wants and needs that's why she is giving you a lot of mixed feelings and behaviour. Maybe being a friend is all she wants right now. That way both of you have no strings attached and don't expect a lot from each other. Wishing you both the best of luck :)