What does she really want?
Sorry for the length... but just wanted to be open and honest!
Have been having an off on relationship with my ex (Su) of 7yrs for the past 15mths! I finished with a previous ex (Sam 34) and met Su (20) who was my brother's g/f's sister. There was a mutual attraction unknown to each other at the time so when we saw each other at a nephews party I put my phone number in her phone without her knowledge. She called one day and we agreed to go to the movies. She'd had a relationship with my younger brother when she was just 15 that she ended after approx 5mths She had a relationship with a close family friend which ended painfully as she found out he had been cheating on her. She went off the rails somewhat due to her hurt and had flings even with my brother who was going out with her sister! I knew of her past because my brother came to me for advice when he found out she was pregnant and was panicking! We went on our date and she mad it clear that she fancied me so we soon became lovers. I latter found out she had another lover who was a DJ and that she had tricked my brother that she was pregnant as she felt guilty and wanted him to leave her alone. She finished with the DJ whilst I finished with a distance g/f who was at Uni in Liverpool which meant we were now dating exclusively. My ex Sam was still on the scene however and would call or visit on an adhoc basis. The issue of Su having slept with both my brothers and family friend and her checkered past had given her a bad reputation for sleeping around so I didn’t fully trust her or think there was a future as I’m 14yrs older than her - so I didn’t cut off Sam completely! As time wore and I got to know Su more I could tell she was growing up and that her past should be ignored. The inevitable happened and there was a big row when I bought Sam to my house only to find Su waiting for me. I big row ensued with me telling Sam that I’m now with Su (who she recognised as my brothers g/f’s sister) She tearfully stormed out as did Su. I ran after Su and explained that I wanted to be with her and that I had finished with Sam. Relieved and angry she came back. A big row broke out when my brother found out after Sam called him with the family so we had to keep our relationship secret!
In the new year I set a goal to buy a house and hoped Su would share that ambition. We enjoyed our first holiday together but she lost her accommodation and job so things became strained. Meanwhile Sam had not given up and was persistently was contacting me. My feelings for Su were deep but I was frustrated with her lack of commitment to anything although my heart wished for more, Sam knew of my wish o buy a house so approached me re investing in a flat that was on a new development! I felt uneasy but realised I would be an asset for my future so agreed. Whilst at the developers they explained that they were building townhouses as they new I wanted to buy a property to live in. Sam came along and said it could be a new start for us if we purchased one together. I said I’d give it some thought as it would mean that I’d have to finish with Su.
After much soul searching and deliberating I agreed to buy and get back with Sam.
When I explained this to Su after taking her to the unfinished house I felt a deep sense of loss and sadness saying goodbye and told her I didn’t want to end things with her. Surprisingly she didn’t either and for 5yrs we secretly dated! Over time I realised that I liked Sam but was not in love with her but enjoyed having owning my own place. As time went on I found out from Su some distressing news about her childhood that really shocked and upset me as she had suffered sexual abuse from her half brothers and sisters and extreme physical abuse from her father. I guess that kind of made her seem vunerable to me and I felt very proctective and responsible for her going forward. The relationship was very strained and we broke up over 100+ times for varying reasons. She even got herself a new boyfriend! Earlier she became pregnant but she was living in a bedsit, had lost contact with her family and was not working and I was still living with Sam so we went to have an abortion. The relationship with me and Sam was going nowhere so we ended up selling the house in June 2007. By this time the relationship with Su had become very strained and the selling of the house didn’t improve the relationship. I moved in with a work colleague and was seeing her on and off at her bedsit but it was very strained.as we were constantly arguing.We split up and I decided that that was that I moved on with my life only for to call me out of the blue to say that she was pregnant and with or without me she was going to keep it! Her relationship with her family had been improving but or relationship was still a secret. We met but had a row because she wanted to keep it even though we had split up. Due to complications in Nov 2007 she had to have a termination that I attended. As a result of this we became close. I had since moved in with Sam on a temporary basis so felt that I had to let Su know what my intentions were. After lengthy discussions we spent xmas and went out together on new years eve. In Feb I started looking for a place to live which she helped me with and move out of Sam’s in March. Su was receiving help to deal with her childhood abuses so became extremely volatile which resulted in us having numerous arguments. I tried to get the relationship back on track as I felt that the worst had already happened so we deserve to enjoy some good times! However we Kept breaking up and getting back together. She always wanted to be friends but we’d always end making out, then brek up it just a vicious cycle, In June I found out to my shock that I had cancer of the kidney so in Aug had to have it removed! We’d split up but got back together and went on a quick holiday before my op. After the op she stayed at mine to look after me which raised a few eyebrows in the families as they had always suspected that I was the father of the baby she had wanted to keep!
Things between us got increasingly more difficult especially as she as now attending courses and getting further counselling to help her deal with her temper,sleep problems, past abuses etc. She explained that she didn’t want to let it effect me and that she needed to concentrate on herself and just wants to be friends.
Her sister had a B/Day celebration in Nov and for the first time ever we all went out as a big group My brother (her first love) 2nd Brother .(secret love and her sisters b/f) and her other sister and we publicly danced together and she’d already told her sisters that I was staying at hers afterwards! The secrecy is no longer needed!
We try the friendship route, but we end up sleeping together after making passes at each other or flirting.
I walked away when after spending the night/making out with her yet again, out of the blue she’ll say we are meant to be just friends. So why does she keep undressing in front of me, cuddling me etc if that’s all that she wants? Then she gets upset when I get up to leave?
I want to be there as a B/F and get through this together
The mixed messages are doing my head in?
I want to get on with my life so ny advice/criticisms of me are welcome!