[mcevoy]

I don't know whether this is abuse or whether we have just grown so apart that we cannot communicate. I am 60. We've been married 39 years. 2 grown sons. Much/most of it has been happy. I am retired, strong, healthy, and can afford to live on my own if need be. My husband is a tense type, introvert, person. He has 3 more years to work in a stressful job. He drinks (wine only) more than I like... like a bottle a night 3-4 nights a week and will order up to 5 drinks when we are out to dinner. This is a major stress to me. I wish it wasn't. Sometimes when he reads the paper he will start talking in racist terms like "sorry n------s". This hurts me to the core. He says I am being moralistic and judgemental and he is sick of my put downs. I don't know what to do. One day we can have a great time and seem compatible and then this happens. I admit I was brought up in sheltered, conservative environment so maybe I am too sensitive?? Sex life used to be good but since I was 50 I haven't had much desire although I have tried and sought Rx help. He's struggles sexually since 60 so we are pretty much roommates that sometimes get along and sometimes don't. There has never been a divorse in my family. I would value your objective thoughts. Thanks.

[southerngalps]

It seems that his words are abusive.
It's probably his drinking that make him this way.

Have a talk with him when he is not drinking.
Maybe even suggest counseling.

He might be set in his ways and never change, though.

[450donn]

From your description your husband has a drinking problem. Does not matter if it is beer wine or what. He is an alcoholic or on the verge of becoming one. He needs to get some professional help. AA at the minimum.

[cadillac59]

The guy's a bigoted alcoholic (the booze and the lifestyle equals poor health which easily explains the sexual dysfunction on his part). Sorry but that's your reality.

[NowWhat]

Has the last 39 years been like this? Or has this developed recently? Like when you retired?

You have to keep lines of communication open. That, in my opinion, is the corner stone of a marriage.

Talk to him, let him know how you feel. After 39 years, you may not be able to change some things.

Does he buy his own wine? Do you buy it for him? If so, stop. Do not enable this behavior. Again, TALK to him about how you feel about the drinking. That it is affecting a lot of things in your life together. That it is shorting his life, etc.

Have you considered counseling? You might want to give that a try. You may need to re-learn how to communicate with one another.
Are you active in church? The reason I ask this, is because a lot of churches offer couples counseling or support groups, etc. And there is little to no cost.
Good Luck.

[mcevoy]

Thanks for the help. He is a very sensitive and complex man... very sweet sometimes with lots of integrity. That's why I don't understand this. I think he's mad at himself for some career moves and just says, "who cares" sometimes. He has always had this temperamental streak that comes out occasionally... not so much in awhile until this year. We do talk... gingerly. Feels everything I say is judgment. We went to counseling years ago and he won't go again. I thiiiiink this will work out, at least I am hopeful. I would never buy it or enable him knowingly.

[NowWhat]

When you talk to him - how do you approach him?
Sometimes the way we say things can put people off.
If you start sentences with "you always/never" he is going to get defensive right away.

If you try, "I feel like..." He may be more apt to listen to what you say.

It sounds like he maybe going through a rough patch. My mother gave me this advice when I got married - when he is down, you have to be his anchor, be the positive. It won't do you or him any good if both of you are down. When you are down, he has to hold you up. That is what makes you a team.
He needs you to hold him up right now. Do what you can to be supportive, etc.

[mcevoy]

Whew! Thanks! How refreshing!