[Stuckinside]

Hi, I have never asked a question in any self help forum before.. Partially because of a displaced association of weakness by doing so, and partially because I didn't know where it would be appropriate. Anyway I have never been able to tell anyone/ or consult a professional about the following questions...

--A little about where I'm coming from--
Life is beautiful, I'm 23, and I have a good family. I am blessed with many gifts. I am a singer/songwriter/guitarist, with a lot of creativity, and an athlete. (hockey, soccer, golf, martial arts)

I am a student studying music production and performance at a local community college, and an athlete. I am an entreprenour trying to get my business off the ground.
Needless to say, I am quite busy, and often overwhelmed by an always growing 'to do list'
On top of regular responsibilities.

I have had many 'unique' experiences while growing up, which have been beneficial and also taxing/stressful on my 'mental health'. Very briefly.. I was in 4 drug rehabs before I was 18 -throughout the country - three of which were inpatient programs. I was kicked out of my house at 17, dropped out of high school and was homeless at 19. I went to chicago and was living in a very 'bad' situation where I was doing drugs. And a very special lady helped me out and then I decided to join the army. Shortly after basic training I shipped out to iraq. After 17 months deployment and a year in combat in baghdad. I left baghdad and came home with a valuable perspective, more money in my bank account than I had ever seen before and a 'more or less' squared away attitude.
I was proud of myself and what I had done, from where I came.

I choose to pursue my dreams with music as I had seen how cheap life can be and saw no reason for me not to do what I love to do in a country that not only allowed this, but encouraged it. (The U.S)
Listening to myself this sounds like a poorly written novel. In case this is starting to sound like a testimony or life story, my point in saying these things about me is to try to just present you with the facts of my major life experiences as briefly as I can which leads me to my questions,

Why do I doubt myself, why when everything is going right I expect that it will be 'just until' the next thing I do wrong and screw up happens.. I can logically work myself out of any situation that I encounter but now, even that doesn't get rid of the thoughts and the feelings of disgust and shame for myself.. It's a cycle, I get inspired, and then I feel an overwhelming joy to be able to use that inspiration to create music with.. Everything is great, nothing can bother me at this point.. Then some little thing happens and it creates this butterfly effect and before I know it I am just beating the crap out of myself again.
I do however feel proud of myself, and I know its just a part of me that starts to take control and then I suppose I just let it take the reigns. Im not looking for a pat on the back or approval, I know I have talent and potential, I wonder if there is anything I can do or learn to try to fix this last thing that is holding me back... Is it just something some people have to deal? I just don't know what it is that I really need to address and then how I can do that so that I can feel as content and enthusiastic about myself as I used to. Its not a depression I would just like a proffessional opinion on how to deal with these deeper issues, which don't show on the surface level, mind you.. but jab and scrape at me when I'm alone.

Wow.. that was longer than I intended.. . Um.. I think I forgot I was writing a forum post.
Thanks for your time.

[KBC]

Waiting for the shoe to drop.

A familiar area for me was chaos,life wasn't fulfilling without some twists and turns.

Just when I thought I had the cat by the b*lls,somehow,someway,I would make it seem harder than it had to be(I still do this sometimes).

Then I am off and running with the 'can't do's 'I can't do this because... I can't do that anymore... hindsight says,How did I do that?I couldn't do that today.

Am I off, or does this sound familiar?

I am going to hand it back to you and await your response.

KBC

[Stuckinside]

Thanks for the reply, yes that sounds all too familiar. I have found ways of dealing with 'i can't do'. But, Indeed I do expect another dip in the road that takes me off balance. I even have a habit of thinking what possible (bad) things could happen when everything seems to be locking into place. (So to speak) I have found that I cannot control things around me but just the way I act/think/respond to them. But with myself, I have difficulty sometimes with second guessing myself to the point of being somewhat obsessive compulsive about it. For example, after an important phone call I might go over everything said in the conversation in my head and make sure 'i said everything right... or in the right way'' etc. and then my mind will start with these anxious thoughts, "well why did i say this,
what does that really mean?... what if, what if...." Its stupid and crazy, and its taxing on my energy and just overall content/peace... I know, I need to just.. not do that! I just can't figure out a way to put that habit away for good... because it just comes back and comes back and it gets more intense every time. Like I said, when I get lost in my head I don't know if anyone has ever been able to tell.. Either way, its effects my productivity and I stop paying attention to the details and surroundings that I've usually prided myself on.

[KBC]

The perfectionist in me wouldn't allow for those"did I do/say the right things"I would constantly second guess myself also.

I lived on pins and needles,or broken glass and bare feet.

That was the taxing of my system.

As I intellectualized any and all of my actions,I became more and more discontent with the way my life was going.

Finally reaching a breaking point(after inventing more chaos) I sought help,professional therapy.Medications followed.I have been on meds for some 15 years now,still inventing that chaos,just not to the extremes I used to,and the 'episodes' of unsettled thoughts are fewer and farther between.

Does anyone in my life see this as me being better?Probably not.Others don't really care what I go through,its my perspective that counts.

My change in behavior took a turn for the better when I found a similar 'mind' as mine to compare those' really deep thoughts' with.A counselor with enough brains to help me see the unnecessary perfection I would place on myself.

Those of similar disposition who were treated alongside me were sometimes medicated but some were only therapeutically treated,counseled only.

Maybe this would help you,being from the services,the mental health care for vets (I have heard) is second to none.Bringing this to light would be a big relief for you.In here(AMHD) will allow others to assist,but not like person to person therapy.

Just my opinion,Hope it helps,

KBC

[Stuckinside]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yea, the VA folks are impressive.. I have been on and off thinking of seeing someone and taking advantage of the benefits available. I have just so little time, and I always put it off. Its not destroying my life or anything, it is just something I would like to get past and presents problems in different situations. Anyway, thanks for the response - all in all its good to just put my crap out, and hear someone else understands it.

Cheers