Doubts/Negative thoughts/why do I do this?
Hi, I have never asked a question in any self help forum before.. Partially because of a displaced association of weakness by doing so, and partially because I didn't know where it would be appropriate. Anyway I have never been able to tell anyone/ or consult a professional about the following questions...
--A little about where I'm coming from--
Life is beautiful, I'm 23, and I have a good family. I am blessed with many gifts. I am a singer/songwriter/guitarist, with a lot of creativity, and an athlete. (hockey, soccer, golf, martial arts)
I am a student studying music production and performance at a local community college, and an athlete. I am an entreprenour trying to get my business off the ground.
Needless to say, I am quite busy, and often overwhelmed by an always growing 'to do list'
On top of regular responsibilities.
I have had many 'unique' experiences while growing up, which have been beneficial and also taxing/stressful on my 'mental health'. Very briefly.. I was in 4 drug rehabs before I was 18 -throughout the country - three of which were inpatient programs. I was kicked out of my house at 17, dropped out of high school and was homeless at 19. I went to chicago and was living in a very 'bad' situation where I was doing drugs. And a very special lady helped me out and then I decided to join the army. Shortly after basic training I shipped out to iraq. After 17 months deployment and a year in combat in baghdad. I left baghdad and came home with a valuable perspective, more money in my bank account than I had ever seen before and a 'more or less' squared away attitude.
I was proud of myself and what I had done, from where I came.
I choose to pursue my dreams with music as I had seen how cheap life can be and saw no reason for me not to do what I love to do in a country that not only allowed this, but encouraged it. (The U.S)
Listening to myself this sounds like a poorly written novel. In case this is starting to sound like a testimony or life story, my point in saying these things about me is to try to just present you with the facts of my major life experiences as briefly as I can which leads me to my questions,
Why do I doubt myself, why when everything is going right I expect that it will be 'just until' the next thing I do wrong and screw up happens.. I can logically work myself out of any situation that I encounter but now, even that doesn't get rid of the thoughts and the feelings of disgust and shame for myself.. It's a cycle, I get inspired, and then I feel an overwhelming joy to be able to use that inspiration to create music with.. Everything is great, nothing can bother me at this point.. Then some little thing happens and it creates this butterfly effect and before I know it I am just beating the crap out of myself again.
I do however feel proud of myself, and I know its just a part of me that starts to take control and then I suppose I just let it take the reigns. Im not looking for a pat on the back or approval, I know I have talent and potential, I wonder if there is anything I can do or learn to try to fix this last thing that is holding me back... Is it just something some people have to deal? I just don't know what it is that I really need to address and then how I can do that so that I can feel as content and enthusiastic about myself as I used to. Its not a depression I would just like a proffessional opinion on how to deal with these deeper issues, which don't show on the surface level, mind you.. but jab and scrape at me when I'm alone.
Wow.. that was longer than I intended.. . Um.. I think I forgot I was writing a forum post.
Thanks for your time.