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Yosomoton213 · Nov 14, 2008, 11:41 AM

What do I do? I have been following the NC rule like a monk for the past couple of days. I've been going out with friends, focusing on my studies, but every time my phone rings, my heart jumps up to my throat in the hope that my ex is calling. It has only been a few days, so I do not know what to expect. My question is, what happens if my ex calls late at night, especially during the weekends? I go to Uni, and sometimes our standard operating procedure was that we would call each other after going out with friends to hook up. How would I handle the late night ex booty call? My guess would be to ignore it.

And how do you stop thinking about her, or wondering what she is doing? Should I even be this affected by this relationship? I am only 21 years old.

jmw0713 · Nov 14, 2008, 11:58 AM

You should definitely IGNORE THE CALL. Don't keep going back to her if you broke up. You should be moving forward not back.

To stop thinking about her, go out with friends, concentrate on work or school, go to the gym, or whatever else to stay busy and keep your mind occupied.

You should not worry about what she is doing, because you are not in her life anymore. You have your own life and need to build it with out her.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 14, 2008, 12:07 PM

Also, a little background. This seems like the fourth time we've broken up or had a major argument in the past 2 months. We now argue all the time. I'm sick of this. It seems like the girl doesn't want a boyfriend at all, but a yo-yo instead. I want to completely heal and move on, and I've made that conscious decision. Sometimes I have moments of weakness and start thinking about her. Another part of me thinks, "Dude, you're only 21. Your life hasn't even started yet".

My friends think I can do better looks-wise, however I am very attached to the way she looks. I also think that they are trying to boost my self-esteem. They do say that she was quite the "little ", treating me like a puppy dog. However, she was the first intense sexual relationship I've had. Granted, I've had flings and hookups, but never in a long-term relationship. My friends joke that I must have been doing something right in bed because she kept coming back to me. I just get the feeling that I'm always a back up plan. I don't want to be "owned" by anyone. I want (and need) to grow a pair and move on.

kctiger · Nov 14, 2008, 12:12 PM

Rule Number .50 - NEVER talk to your ex right after a break up when you are drunk! NEVER. It will be extremely bad news. What I did, for awhile until I gave her my number, was change my number. For a month I knew there was no way she could get ahold of me, so it took the 'what ifs' right out.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 14, 2008, 12:18 PM

Second question: How do you avoid being "owned" like I was in this relationship? I want to know because I felt like I deserved to be treated with more respect in this relationship.

kctiger · Nov 14, 2008, 12:20 PM

You and me both man. I think it comes down to just have respect and confidence in yourself. I was 'owned' and really treated like dirt a lot because I didn't think that I deserved her... or that I was lucky to have her, but never did I think she was lucky to have me, until we broke up. It all comes down to how you view yourself.

Kitten78 · Nov 14, 2008, 12:24 PM

Turn your phone off.

Especially if you are out with your friends... You don't need to know who is calling you.

Turn it off when you go to bed so you won't get the late night call.

Just turn it off!

talaniman · Nov 14, 2008, 12:26 PM

How do you avoid being "owned" like I was in this relationship

Its real simple fellas, you never put any one on a higher pedestal than yourself. Big mistake to love them, more than you love yourself.

cricket_10 · Nov 14, 2008, 01:03 PM

talaniman; Big mistake to love them, more than you love yourself.

-

I always thought the opposite, i thought that love is all about loving someone more than anything and just make sure you know how to balance the two. BUT I guess I was wrong, I didn't do too well balancing and gave a little too much, which left me with a broken heart.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 14, 2008, 01:05 PM

No, it makes sense to me. This all would have been prevented if I had set boundries. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Respect is essential in any relationship: Friendship or otherwise.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 14, 2008, 01:10 PM

And if they don't respect you, why would you want to have them around? In the beginning, I thought she did respect me, but then as time progressed, I handed over the reigns to my life to her. Started doing things because she wanted to. I lost myself. I realized this as soon as I wasn't able to stand arguing with her. I used to be fun and charming. People loved to hang out/drink with me. I let her suck all the good qualities right out of me. But you know what, time is the only real currency in life, and it's not worth going back to this one. I'm 21 years old. Time to live.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 14, 2008, 01:20 PM

My problem that I'm worried about is that I know I'm not entirely there. If I see her around or hear from her, I know I'll self-destruct. It's only been 2-3 days since the breakup. How do I cope? Do I stay away from places where she 'might' be at just to avoid her altogether? I'm not ready to talk to her yet, let alone see her with another guy. Luckily, we share very few mutual friends: My friends think she's a bit of a drag.

Other news: I'm on the crew team and I have a race tomorrow in the bitter, bitter cold. Is there any trick to being able to fall asleep soundly without using pills? I need to finally get a good night's rest in.

kctiger · Nov 14, 2008, 01:21 PM

Tylenol PM is awesome (yes, I know they are pills, but they are non addictive). At any rate, No Contact means NO CONTACT. You don't so much as look at a picture of her. Avoid ANYWHERE you think she may be. Do this until you are ready to face reality.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 15, 2008, 05:07 AM

She didn't call last night. What does that mean?

Also, is it normal for me to want to go out and have fun to "outdo" the ex? Like have more fun? I know binge drinking and drugs are bad ideas. I wasn't able to go out last night because of the race today, so I kept thinking about her while trying to sleep.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 16, 2008, 02:10 PM

Threads merged

I have been one week no contact so far. Honestly, I expected my ex to call me during the weekend. She didn't. We've been doing the breaking up/getting back together thing, which was very emotionally and physically draining on both of us. However, she would always call me within 3-5 days. I still miss her terribly. Does this mean that she has moved on with her life and that it is over? Is it normal for me to worry about all this in this stage of the breakup?

I'm 21 years old, if that helps. She is 20. Both of us are in Uni.

kctiger · Nov 16, 2008, 02:19 PM

You need to move on... what she does isn't really important. The poing of no contact isn't to see who wins the battle of wills, it is to get your mind cleared. You guys have no reason to get back together considering your relationship has been built around breaking up and getting back together. That is no recipe for a successful relationship. Keep on with the no contact so you can get over this.

xoxaprilwine · Nov 16, 2008, 02:23 PM

I agree with kctiger... even if she does call you, do you really want to go through this again... and again... and again? This must be your first broken heart and I know it hurts but you need to move on. How long have you and your girlfriend been together? The longer the relationship, the harder to break, the harder it is to move on... maybe tell us a bit more about why you guys broke up?

See from personal experience... I started dating my husband when I was 16. We dated for 6 years before we got married and we broke up a few times too... depending on how serious you guys are and what the circumstances are I can tell you that she could be afraid of her own emotions or that she is just not sure where the relationship will end up. Sometimes it could be she met someone and wants to try them out (on an intellectual base) or maybe you guys don't give each other enough breathing space to allow the relationship to grow. I never realized how many times I broke his heart but I really needed time to digest my own feelings and have some alone time or time with friends... to this day my husband and I are still attached to the hip we always where but not everyone or every relationship is alike. If this is a pattern, she will call you back but I can tell you one thing... being friends is harder then it seems so keep your chin up and let us know a bit more.

Yosomoton213 · Nov 16, 2008, 02:42 PM

Ok: here goes.

We started dating last year, around this time of the year. We even did the long distance thing while we went home for the summer (we live very far away). We came back, and I was very excited to see her, but she was very stand-offish. She said she needed space. After begging and chasing her for a week, I let off and gave her space. She eventually came back (3 weeks or so), saying that she needed the space to "re-adjust" to the new school year, different building she lives in, her new roomates, etc. She was always in contact with me during that time, wanting to come over to "hang out".

After all this blew over, I found out that during the break she hooked up with another person. I didn't know how to feel about this, as I did the same thing, but I always wanted her. I broke it off with her when I found out about it. Then we later (in a matter of days) got back together again.

The cycle continued. She was very stand-offish and had "mysterious" calls in which she would take in private when we would hang out. Also, we would fight a lot. We used to go out together on the weekends, but this time was now dedicated to her friends, which hate me. My friends aren't too fond of my ex either. They think she is playing games with me.

This last breakup was probably for good. She said that this was emotionally and physically draining, to which I agreed. It wasn't fun like it used to be. She also said that what she wanted and what she thought was right were two different things. She said she wanted me, to work things out, but she didn't think there was any hope of that (the yo-yo thing went on for about 3 months.). She said that we've been both trying very hard. I really didn't want to let her go at the time, and I called her back later that night to talk to her about it. She did not change her mind, and I haven't talked to her since. I kind of agree with her "this is the right thing to do", but I just miss her very much.

BTW, we have an english class together next semester. 2 months. Will I be able to pull myself together by then?

wikedjuggalo · Nov 16, 2008, 02:43 PM

Since your 21 let me warn you... DO NOT DRINK AWAY THE PAIN. I use pain for a reason. Break up do hurt. Physically and emotionally. Take this time to reflect what could have gone wrong to cause this. Do not go calling or texting or messaging her. If she comes around deal with it then but do not count on it. Treat it as if it is over. Sometimes it helps to look at it as the person no longer exist. Cherish the memories and Embrace the future.

kctiger · Nov 16, 2008, 02:45 PM

The above post is right on. The way I look at it, and I have known my ex for five years (dated for four 1/2), she is dead to me. It sounds harsh, but I don't care. I have to do WHATEVER I have to do to heal myself, and that is what matters. Erase her from your life, completely. The relationship (what little there was) is not meant to be right now... or ever.