[rogers5874]

My BF and I used to have sex every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is because he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, because he surfs porn every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is to try to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame. Because of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the Porn causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to Porn.. I don't know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. When I try to tlak aobut it, he said that I am putting too much pressure on us. He acts like he loves me in all ways,but this. Is it the porn? Is it a control issues (I am the primary breadwinner).

[450donn]

Please do yourself a favor and do a Google search on porn addiction and read up. Then give him the ultimatem, get help for his addiction or get lost!

[hollylovesbrandon]

Here's the deal. If he is stressed about $ then he could lose his drive. If he is depressed then he could lose his drive. Jerking off to him is not him thinking of sex 'persay'. It's his way of releasing stress and for a man, it's really just kind of a job that has to be done. My husband jerks off once daily. He doesn't do it because he doesn't want me. He does it because he's either upset, tired, emotionally drained, or he doesn't have the energy to have sex with me. And on the days we do have sex which is about 2 or 3 times a week, he still jerks off that day. Just to release stress and pressure. So to be honest, I don't think it's you honey. He's got some issues he's working through. It has nothing to do with you gaining 7 pounds. I'm sure he hasn't even noticed and even if he has that has nothing to do with it. Let him know that you know he's stressed and you understand. The stress will start to melt away to sex more often for you together.

[smoothy]

Bellyache about something he likes to do like watch some porn and yeah.. its going to be reflected in him shutting down on you. Badmouth his family... or his friends and you get the same response.

Porn isn't going to reduce his desire... if anything it will spark it. Complaining incessantly about it WILL wilt his willy every time guaranteed.

If he spent 3 hours a night in a bar drinking a few beers with his friends would that be an addiction? If he spent 3 hours a night watching sports would that be an addiction? THen 3 hours watching porn isn't an addition either. Whens the last time you spent 3 hours at the mall looking at clothes? Se where I'm going.

Porn has NOTHING to do with you, how you look or your personality. Guys don't compare their women to porn stars... why do you?

[kp2171]

completely disagree that porn automatically = a jump start to a relationship.

yes... some couples use it successfully, and we have long standing members here who have and do... smoothy included.

but to state what is OK for one couple is OK for all is bs.

not all women like anal. smoothys wife does. Not all women like porn. smoothy uses it regularly as a healthy part of his sex life. Not all people are driven to have sex daily. smoothy does.

OK.

but he's not the standard by which you gauge your life. Neither am I.

you state your partner is concerned about money. Stress and anxiety are absolutely libido killers.

is porn here being used to get a "fix" when he's feeling like crap? That's for him to answer.

if were going to condemn people for self stimulating to make themselves feel better, add me to the list.

but at some point, when he's unattentive and neglectful, you certainly get to make some noise. I don't assume he's using his hand because you are nagging him. It could just as easily be the other way around... he's been neglectful and you discovered his voyeurism after the fact.

the use of porn is not all good or all bad. To go to any such extreme is just too simplistic.

best case scenario... you take him at his word and try to focus on the causes ($$) not the symptoms... but at some point, he needs to step up and meet your needs.

if you are doing all the emotional lifting and he's leaving you to fend for yourself I don't care if its because of porn or not... you aren't getting yours and that's an issue. He can step up to the plate or he can hope you do all the work or there can be middle ground found.

no relationship can be "saved" without dealing with the primary causes of stress and distance. So if cash is the issue... what can be done? If his self esteem is the issue, what's that about? If porn is an issue, is it just his getting a fix or are there other problems he's not willing to talk about.

there is NO one-size-fits-all when it comes to a relationship. He isn't necessarily a "porn addict" and you aren't necessarily a "nag"...

time to decide what you need, what you'll concede, and how you can move forward... with or without him.

[smoothy]

I don't think anybody said it would jumpstart a relationship.

It is however a free diversion when he doesn't have money for other things.

But like you said, al sorts of stress and worrying about money most definitely can cause a reduction or loss of libido. But its rarely permanent... being understanding will help. Complaining about it will only increase his stress level.

[rogers5874]

My BF and I used to have X every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is because he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, because he surfs PRN every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is trying to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame, because of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the PRN causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to PRN.. I don't know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. It is so depressing.

[kctiger]

First of all 1 or 2 times a week for sex is NOT BAD. How long have you two been dating? I don't know of ANY couple that has sex everyday! I wouldn't want to do that, as I am not in a mood EVERY single day...

[rogers5874]

We have been dating only 5 months!

[kctiger]

Do you guys live together? How old are you?

[rogers5874]

My BF and I used to have X every day. Now it is 1-2x a week and me initiating. He said it is because he is depressed about $ and sex is the last thing on his mind.. which is not true, because he surfs PRN every chance he gets. In the morning after I leave for work and on his days off- as much as 3 hours then. He said he is trying to get his drive back for us. I am not buying that. I did put on 7 pds on my small 5'2 frame, because of a knee injury and I am working on that. But, I am so upset about this and my confidence has dropped and it is turning into depression. Is the PRN causing him to lose interest or has he lost interest and turning to PRN.. I don't know what to do, but I am at the end of my rope. It is so depressing. Besides this- he is a very loving and considerate BF.. but this is just eating me up.

[rogers5874]

Yes, we live together. I am 38- he is 36. It all happened so fast in the beginning.

[kctiger]

You really expect to have sex everyday? Or do you expect that for the first year you date? I need to know what your expectations are here.

[TrueFaith]

well in 5 months my dear the X does start to slow down

but what your left with, is other good emotions.

sex is not everything in a relationship
I understand that you think its something to do with you. Trust me its not

Us guys.. when we get down.. or upset.. really having sex is the last thing on our minds..
because sex is a lot of work.
and its hard to keep our minds on.. what we are doing.

but porn.. on the other hand is easy.. and we don't have to try and make the other person happy.. or anythig.. it is just us and that's it..

and now is the time where most people are really worried about money.. so give him a break and don't take it to heart so much..

Im sure once he gets over this.. it will be fine..

relationships are a changing beast.
so live and learn with the changes


good luck

[rogers5874]

I actually thought niavely for the first year there would be no problems. The combination of me finding out about all of the P*RN use + the rapid decline from every day to 1- MAYBE 2x a week over the last 2 months has me feeling very disconnected.

[kctiger]

Don't read too much into it. Guys are like that. Most people say we would have sex at the drop of a dime, but that isn't the case. There are a lot of things we let get to us that will ruin our sexual drive for a time being. Nothing to do with you.

[TrueFaith]

For the first year no problems? No no no no :) there will always be something..
I mean two people living together
No matter how much you love each other

There will always be something.. :P


This is not a big problem.. this is him being a bit upset and just not in the mood..

This will change

[talaniman]

I assume you mean porn right?

Why are you, making his problem, yours?

That's what keeps you from seeing that this is not your fault, as he is self loving way too much, and has less interest because of it.

Its pure physics, and nothing personal. A guy with no spunk, has no interest, so tell him either save it for you, and find something else to do with his time, or get to steppin'.

The last thing you need is to think a few lousy pounds, is the problem, far from it.

He may be addicted to porn, and needs some extreme motivation.

This is affecting yourself esteem, and judgement.

[kctiger]

Now you see, this is what I am talking about. We need to spell check our work. I thought you meant he surfed PRN (PRN Being some acronym for an ocean or something). That is a lot of porn time. Three hours. Usually takes me three minutes... that's is all I would need.

[JustOnePart]

Well, as a woman I feel your pain. Maybe the passion has just left the relationship for a while, but will return soon. Maybe you can do sometthing special for him, something he always wanted to do. I know you may be thinking he's cheating on you, but if you love him, give him the benefit of the doubt, if he's the nice guy you suggest he is. Try not to think about you not being intimate with him often, because depression isn't something you want to stay in. Hope I helped.