[eandc_2007]

My boyfriend has been looking at porn about 5 days a week. I have found on his computer by accident, and then started a little digging. I saw that he was looking at it regularly. We have had this discussion about a year and a half ago. He said he would stop, but he hasn't at all.
Last night I caught him looking at it again. Once I told him that I saw him looking at it, he lied. He gave no reason, just that he liked it. I am upset. Our sex life sucks. He says it doesn't. I think it is the porn.
Before you think that I need to try it with him, I must say we have bought some together after the last time. Apparently he does not want me to watch with him. Plus, the porn he does watch are still images. I have tried to spice things up with sexy outfits, and asking what he wants. He doesn't seem turned on by either of these.
We have been together for about 2 years and have a child together. I don't want to break it off. And he is willing to go to counseling, but doesn't think he needs to. He says it is normal to look at porn several times a week... he's a guy.
Is he an addict? Should I think about breaking it off?

[rachel101]

Well if he's practicing a habit that is affecting his life in a negative way and he can't curb it or stop it then it's an addiction. Sounds like quite an addiction if he's willing to chance losing his family over it. Sounds to me like you have been real patient with this. I think when people start crossing the line to "get off" it's hard to back up. When you keep turning up the heat on what does it for you pretty soon "regular vanilla" just doesn't get it for you anymore. I would put my foot down, especially with a child in the house, I mean do you think it will get better over the years? What happens when the child is older and starts walking in on him? Maybe it is normal for some guys but neither of my husbands were into it and I wouldn't have put up with it on any kind of a regular basis.

[Synnen]

Get him to the counseling.

Whether it's okay for some couples, it's obviously NOT okay for you.

If he chooses porn over you, every time, there is a problem, and you would probably benefit from couples counseling.

[kp2171]

His urge might be common, but when any habit takes away from the relationship, it's a problem.

So he says it isn't a problem. OK. You say your sex life sucks. That's a problem. Whether it's the porn or not... it's a problem.

Men are visual apes, and its one thing if this primed his libido and you were not offended by it. That it seems to be doing nothing for your sex life, not to mention the lies that weaken trust, just isn't good.

All you can do is all you can do. He says hell go to counseling. Do it.

Is he physically active at all? Depressed? Any medical issues?

Scour the threads here and you'll see you aren't alone in this problem. That's no consolation, as you still have a problem.

Let me put it this way... I have a child and a good marriage. If I did this to my wife, who is faithful to the core... she gets hit on and I trust her 100% that she wouldn't cheat... if I acted as your man did, we'd have a serious talk about sexual health and compatibility.

Sex isn't all there is to a good relationship, but trust is. Personal attention is. Forging and maintaining a connection is... and you seem to know that this isn't acceptable.

You are looking for a lover, not a roommate. You don't seem ready to bury your sexual desires, and you don't want to have to run the show all the time. You want to be chased.

Go to counseling. After that, if nothing improves, you need to weigh out what is important. Not saying my wife would leave me, but I'm not saying that she wouldn't. Shed feel betrayed, neglected, unattractive, and unfulfilled. Pretty big pill to swallow with a lot of life to live.

[George_1950]

Eandc_ writes: "I don't want to break it off. And he is willing to go to counseling, but doesn't think he needs to. He says it is normal to look at porn several times a week...he's a guy. Is he an addict? Should I think about breaking it off?" If he is willing to go, then by all means go; try to make sure that you will be dealing with a credible, competent counselor. Who is he to say he needs or doesn't need counseling? Your marriage needs it, and if he is willing, then do it.

[Fr_Chuck]

If he does not think he has a problem, going to counseling will be a total waste of time, he has to understand he has a problem. Assuming you are living together, put a block for all porn sites on the computer when he is not home, with a pass word he does not know. That should solve that issue.

[smoothy]

My boyfriend has been looking at porn about 5 days a week. I have found on his computer by accident, and then started a little digging. I saw that he was looking at it regularly. We have had this discussion about a year and a half ago. He said he would stop, but he hasn't at all.
Last night I caught him looking at it again. Once I told him that I saw him looking at it, he lied. He gave no reason, just that he liked it. I am upset. Our sex life sucks. He says it doesn't. I think it is the porn.
Before you think that I need to try it with him, I must say we have bought some together after the last time. Apparently he does not want me to watch with him. Plus, the porn he does watch are still images. I have tried to spice things up with sexy outfits, and asking what he wants. He doesn't seem turned on by either of these.
We have been together for about 2 years and have a child together. I don't want to break it off. And he is willing to go to counseling, but doesn't think he needs to. He says it is normal to look at porn several times a week...he's a guy.
Is he an addict? Should I think about breaking it off?

Its normal for a guy to look at porn every day... hell your average guy thinks about sex something like every 15 minutes. I don't recall the exact statistics.

However with that said I think there might be other issues at play here. What do you define as a bad sex life? If its due to lack or cuddling and that sort of thing, if he feels henpecked his desire will drop off pretty quick.

And as have been mentioned there are medical as well as psycological reasons that can account for this as well.

I think we need further information about what bad with your sex life... your focus on porn and porn alone is telling me the real issue might be elsewhere, but given the limited information its hard to make a call.

After all guys watching porn is no different than women who spend hours shopping for clothes when they don't need any.

[talaniman]

I think his porn watching is excessive and unhealthy as he has trouble expressing himself to you.

[bushg]

We have had this discussion about a year and a half ago.

The above statement means that 6 months into the relationship you knew he liked porn. You demanded he stop and he said he would to shut you up.

Now you have been in the relationship for 2 years and have a child and are now demanding that he stop watching porn(again) and go to counseling... but he doesn't see it as being a problem. He must love you if he is willing to go to counseling even if he feels like it is not needed and he does not openly look at porn because you have a problem with it. He believes your sex lfe to be OK.

I have a problem with a woman telling a grown man what he can and can't do esp since you found this out so long ago. I wonder if you tell him what to do in other matters in his life. I think you need to pay close attention to yourself and your actions.

[Choux]

He might be in a place in his life... a transitional phase... where he has to readjust what he does to bring him pleasure. Now, he is in the porn trap, and you can help him make a transition to other pleasurable activities.

Every man has to have a couple of sports in order to be a well-rounded individual... healthy stuff he does with men. He needs to be in a basketball league and a bowling league, stuff like that. Learn how to do manly things like painting, using power tools, fixing stuff. E will feel a lot better if he prepares positively for the future.

YOu could approach him with the idea of having a few sessions with a couples counsellor because you are concerned that he isn't very happy with your life together now and that you each need some positive activities away from each other. Then, possibly, you will have life experiences to bring back into the marriage and discuss.

Good Luck, you can make this happen,