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VCatherine · Oct 29, 2008, 11:33 PM

Recently met someone after separating and filing for an annulment from my abusive ex who disappeared to another state. We fell in love shortly after and had a few great dates (no sex). I last saw him over a month ago on a Thursday and everything was perfect, but on Monday morning he had coffee with his Pastor who told him not even to see or speak with me until all was final in writing. (Well my ex was stalling, trying to get money from me.). He notified me of this by email and I basically answered that I disagreed with the Pastor, that we could still see each other as friends and, I found that I could go to Guam and get a 14 day divorce to please the Pastor's problem. He emailed me back that I was impatient and selfish because his Mom went to the hospital (this was the first I heard she was in the hospital).

We were both under a lot of stress - he caring for an elderly Mom and having pain and me trying to unravel my legal problems.

I tried to follow up with him, asking about his Mom's condition and his pain, but he does not answer my email or my phone call. I'm stunned... still I love him.

What should I do?
Wait it out?

TrueFaith · Oct 30, 2008, 12:19 AM

Too soon way to soon

what are you doing?

you have not even given yourself enough time to heal.. you think its love but I think its just you trying to fill the void that was left in your life..

I think you need time by yourself to heal.
and yeah you may think that having this guy around would help you. But Look already he has called you selfish.. well isn't that a good start.

Drop the guy he lost feelings for you. I'm sure that pastor thing was just an easy way out.
don't get me wrong there are always some true in lies.. but yeah.. if he loved you I don't think he would be ignoring your calls.

So take the hint my dear. And leave that guy alone and be done with your X
and work on yourself
use this time to heal.

and try not love so easy :)

VCatherine · Oct 30, 2008, 01:21 AM

"What am I doing?" - fixing up my house, dating others, learning to dance...

Yes, I was wondering if the Pastor was just an excuse... but everything was perfect before that.

JBeaucaire · Oct 30, 2008, 08:32 AM

No, it wasn't perfect and the Pastor was pointing that out. You two were acting like it was... and it wasn't... which is WAY dangerous and you needed to be reminded.

Nobody likes being told what to do by others, especially when the others are RIGHT! It doesn't change the facts. You are a married woman. You do need to finish your legal concerns, and I am sure you are. But it's not done.

Relax. You don't need things to happen overnight and you don't need them to happen out of order. Divorce - date - remarry. Simple formula.

TrueFaith · Oct 30, 2008, 11:52 AM

Yeah everything really does seem perfect.. Sigh..

You have only had a few dates and your are in love with him?
Don't you think that is tad fast?

Relax girl finish your divorce
And go back to fixing your housing and learning to dance

Leave the guys alone for a while

talaniman · Oct 30, 2008, 09:08 PM

You may have been happy, but he wasn't, since he sought the counsel of a pastor.

I honestly would have told him the same thing, leave you alone until you handled your business, and healed from the divorce.

Jumping from one guy to another is a solution to nothing, but disaster down the road.

There is no big hurry to get a man.

VCatherine · Oct 30, 2008, 10:05 PM

It's an annulment and will be over in just days...

He didn't seek counsel. They just met for coffee and when he told the Pastor about me, that he met someone he cared about, the Pastor interferred without meeting me or discussing with me.

I wasn't in a big hurry to get a man, but he happened along and he's special to me - not just any man.

starbuck8 · Oct 30, 2008, 11:09 PM

I would first like to suggest that you read the rules and regulations of this site please. It will explain to you that you can't wander around aimlessly and give a 'disagree' to someone, just because you didn't like their advice. The disagreement must be 'factually incorrect' advice. I've seen two 'disagrees' that you have given in the whole 3 posts you have made on this site. Please follow the rules.

None of the answers that were given were factually incorrect. Are you here just to defend your position? Or are you here for advice. We are here to help people, and if you don't like the advice given, then bypass it, and move on. Everyone that answered you has given you things to think about. They WERE answering your question. We are not here to tell you what you want to hear, we are here to give insight into what we ascertain is going on in any given situation, and then give our observations.

We do this for free in our spare time, and if you take a look at the number of questions the people that answered YOU have answered for other people, you would figure out that this is not our first rodeo!

My take on your situation is this. You are getting an "annulment" from an abusive man. The annulment tells me that you were not married for a very long period, and that you didn't know this man long enough before you married him, or you would have known his abusive tendencies.

Now you are willing to jump into another relationship, and not listening to what anyone else tells you. The new guy is trying to tell you something, and you are not hearing it. The pastor tried and again you are not listening. We are trying, and again, not listening. We aren't here to pat you on the back and tell you everything is going to be okay, and just agree with everything you say. This is simply "advice" from someone on the outside looking in, and they can see it objectively.

This man told you that you were impatient and selfish, and he is not answering your emails or calls. That alone is a big enough clue to leave this man alone, and get on with your life. Unless of course, you want to marry another man that you don't really know. This man is trying to tell you something by ignoring you. Now is the time to LISTEN!

VCatherine · Oct 30, 2008, 11:56 PM

The Ex - I met him in church and knew him 2 1/2 years before wedding - no problem until wedding day. He was a former minister himself so was surprised when I found out he did porn, was demanding, controlling, and married me for assets, etc... tried to make the best of it and stuck with him through major heart surgery. Yes, I should have gotten the annulment before, but I didn't expect I would meet someone else soon and I was trying to make it work and exhaust every avenue before the annulment.

I am not ready to just trash the other guy because I respect, admire, and love him and things only went bad when the Pastor talked to him. He is a quality person and my question is how to remedy that situation and how to re-start a dialog with him - - - that's where I feel I was unanswered. No one made suggestions about that.

Hope this helps.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2008, 05:59 AM

Your question was addressed, you didn't want to hear the responses you got.

Leave him alone, as he has asked, as you can't force him to do anything.

Sorry, but that's what everyone here, and him sees, your forcing yourself on someone that doesn't want what you want, and he is leaving you alone.

Take the hint. There will be no dialogue, or friendship, unless he wants it too!

VCatherine · Oct 31, 2008, 09:19 AM

I have not forced myself on him!

High Max · Oct 31, 2008, 09:43 AM

I don't see why he would be mad or why these circumstances would prevent any normal man from dating or seeing someone. Sounds like a cop out and a case of genuine disinterest, using circumstances to avoid you.

VCatherine · Oct 31, 2008, 09:51 AM

Thank you, Max. He said "I love you on Thursday" and Monday morning changed immediately after having that coffee with the Pastor.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2008, 11:15 AM

Catherine;1350337, Thank you, Max. He said "I love you on Thursday" and Monday morning changed immediately after having that coffee with the Pastor.

Don't blame the pastor as he had those feelings, or some reservations before.

I have not forced myself on him!

Didn't mean to imply you did, my point was given his new position, ignore him and his friendship, as I think you deserve better than his wishy washy a$$.

VCatherine · Oct 31, 2008, 12:35 PM

Mmmm... it has come to my mind that, perhaps this is why he's been alone for so many years. Or maybe he just likes pursuit, not a relationship.

And he said divorce #1 was she was so homesick for parents in another state and she was killing him with her cooking (rich, delicious, fattening foods) and she wouldn't sleep with him anymore after children were born - fear of pregnancy; PMS, abuse to him

#2 ran up $85K in credit card debt in 4 months, moved to another bedroom after a couple of weeks and went out with daughter every night

Maybe his stories are not accurate - they don't seem to be the normal divorce stories like cheating, finances, gay, etc.

TrueFaith · Oct 31, 2008, 12:46 PM

He is using this as a cop out..

I told you that..

But yeah disagree if you don't like what your hearing.
We try and help..
But if your not willing to help yourself

Then enjoy the mess

starbuck8 · Oct 31, 2008, 01:00 PM

First of all, I'm sorry we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.

I definitely think you have stumbled upon something there. Do you notice that there are two commonalities in both of his stories? His wives wouldn't sleep with him anymore. The word abuse was also mentioned. Could this be a reason why these other women felt and did the things they did?

I would be VERY leary of a man that says bad things about their ex's. They may have done some bad things, but a man that wants to hash out the mistakes of their ex's all of the time are bad news.

I know you say you love this man, but you should be concerned. You only wrote a few of the things that he said, and I am concerned for you. Remember, you said that you married your husband and he changed "on your wedding day". You said you knew him for 2 and a half yrs. Before you got married. It's hard for me to believe that there weren't signs that you ignored, but that is beside the point.

There is surely a reason that this new man has been divorced twice, and has been alone for many years. It's a guarantee that this man was also responsible for what went wrong in his marriages. It doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake... it still has two sides. You don't know the wives side of this story.

You have a feeling in your gut right now. Trust it! It's always right!

VCatherine · Oct 31, 2008, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

I definitely think you have stumbled upon something there. Do you notice that there are two commonalities in both of his stories? His wives wouldn't sleep with him anymore.

Thank you. Yes, I did notice that and wondered why - maybe he insulted them, too. Or is he a miserable lover? And the one who went out with her daughter every evening apparently didn't even want his company after work?

... and, I'm very, very glad I didn't sleep with him or I'd probably be feeling even worse.

Oh, the ex is a really good con man - you can't tell. He's already on to his next victims. A former minister, he has a really good scam going. He even has little things he says to charm women and they all think they are the only one he says it to, but he says it to all of them like calls them -"Ponytail Princess" etc. He engratiates himself by volunteering to help - like fixing a fence or making a repair. It is a good reminder though that women should never reveal any financial assets lest they become prey.

starbuck8 · Oct 31, 2008, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by VCatherine

Thank you. Yes, I did notice that and wondered why - maybe he insulted them, too. Or is he a miserable lover? And the one who went out with her daughter every evening apparently didn't even want his company after work?

...and, I'm very, very glad I didn't sleep with him or I'd probably be feeling even worse.

Oh, the ex is a really good con man - you can't tell. He's already on to his next victims. A former minister, he has a really good scam going. He even has little things he says to charm women and they all think they are the only one he says it to, but he says it to all of them like calls them -"Ponytail Princess" etc. He engratiates himself by volunteering to help - like fixing a fence or making a repair. It is a good reminder though that women should never reveal any financial assets lest they become prey.

I have an ex that is the same kind of charmer. All the girls... and guys, (friends,family) think he's Mr. wonderful! He's the pillar of the community. He will volunteer for causes, offer to help people with ANYTHING, and he throws money around like it's going out of style. What nobody knew, was that he was a tyrant behind closed doors. He was and is, a control freak, and beat the ever loving crap out of me any chance he could. He broke more bones in my body than I care to count, and had me so totally brainwashed, and literally scared to death to leave, that I stayed for much longer than I EVER should have. If you want to talk abuse, he did it in every form possible. Even when I left, and I finally felt safe enough to tell people, they absolutely knew that it happened, but they still let the charm win them over.

So when I saw you mention abuse, and the women not wanting to sleep with him, big red flags went flashing in front of my face. There is just something that tells me that you can't be around this man. It's not because I was in the abusive relationship, it's because I can now pick up on little things that others might not see. It's kind of like a sixth sense for me now, and why I am here to try and make others see things they might not see when they are too close to the situation. I don't want to see anyone else get hurt. Please stay away, for your own safety.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 31, 2008, 04:41 PM

You should respect him and leave him alone. He may be having second thoughts, he may be listening to the pastor, he may be a jerk and is trying to dump you, it does not matter.
Leave him alone.
He will talk to you again when he is ready and if he doesn't it means he has realized you two were not a match.
This could be a good thing.
Get your divorce and heal.