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this8384 · Oct 31, 2008, 09:30 AM

I'm having a hard time deciphering what you're trying to say because you're not making complete sentences or using punctuation.

What Scott is saying is that there is no reason that your children, at their current ages, should be able to handle a new boyfriend. If they can't, then they've been far too sheltered from reality. Divorced parents date, that's a part of life. If your ex has found someone who makes her happy, your children should be able to see and accept that for what it is, not telling you that they need to be "saved."

ScottGem · Oct 31, 2008, 09:45 AM

Originally Posted by daddyof2kids

so your saying i should of thought my kids disposable values instead of committing to values and goals two wrongs don't make right if mom throw her family values away follow right be hind her ect.ect. Ray

No that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that you need to teach your kids what values you think best for them, but also make them aware that other people value different things and teach them how to deal with such people.

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 09:45 AM

so they should throw their values away for their mother ? Ray

ScottGem · Oct 31, 2008, 09:52 AM

You really need to open your mind a bit. You seem to have a very closed mind that is viewing things in black and white. But too often things are more shades of gray.

One thing you have not identified is what your objection is to the boyfriend moving in. Is it simply an objection to two people leaving without benefit of marriage or do you have some objection to the bf's character or what?

If its just an objection to cohabitation, what you say to your kids is that you strongly disapprove of her actions and you think they should also. But under the law, you have no way to stop it. You tell them we don't always get what we want or what we think is best. Sometimes we have to deal with things that are not pleasant and this is one of those times.

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 09:52 AM

Their the ones saying they don't want an extended family. So I treat them like a car ,house ,what their just something use parade around . Because their kids it's be shutup and follow. I don't know about yourself but when I had kids they became number one and became number two . Ray

ScottGem · Oct 31, 2008, 09:56 AM

You need to get off your high horse and pay attention to the advice you are being given.

Yes I put my daughter first and often did things I felt were not the best for me but best for her. But there were other times when I knew that protecting her from unpleasantness would ill prepare her for what she needed to make decisions on her own. Sometimes you have to do what's required and not what you want. That's life.

this8384 · Oct 31, 2008, 09:59 AM

There's nothing wrong with putting your kids first; that's one of, if not the best thing you can do.

The problem is that your children are manipulating you. You cannot cater to our children's desires 100% of the time; that's what happens to people like Paris Hilton. They say they don't want an extended family... why? What is it that they're objecting to?

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 10:03 AM

So now I should bring her up to have ten boyfriend's by the age of eighteen .then live with another five by the age of twenty one .then have three kids with three different dads and go on welfare your right real sound advise. Thanks but no thanks Ray

this8384 · Oct 31, 2008, 10:06 AM

Guess what: you married her and had kids with her. Don't play the martyr.

stinawords · Oct 31, 2008, 10:13 AM

Here's what I see going on. You still want your kids raised as though their parents are married. Which would be wonderful but their parents are divorced. I too have put what is best for my kids first and I also have to agree with Scott that it is possible to over protect them and then what happens when they get smacked in the face with reality. Just last night my five year old (rather than falling asleep) saw some of the news and came to tell me that it scared her because there was a story about some sicko guy out grabbing trick or treaters last night and he was caught and jailed. So, we had a talk about why it's important for her to stay with me or her dad when we take her tomorrow (which is now tonight) as well as other times. We also talked about what to do if (god forbid) something like that really did happen to her. It might not be pleasant but your kids need to learn that their parents aren't together anymore and it's okay that they date other people because they aren't married. Maybe you should try to talk to your ex and both of you talk to your kids so that they know that just because their mom has someone new dosen't mean that they are second fiddle or that she dosen't love them. There probably will be some jealousy just because they, like many others, won't think that anyone is good enough for their parent. I have been fortunate enough to have been raised by my married parents and my children are being raised by their married parents but the divorce rate is so extreemly high that it is unreasonabel anymore to expect that to be the norm so kids will have to know how to deal with it.

stinawords · Oct 31, 2008, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by this8384

Guess what: you married her and had kids with her. Don't play the martyr.

I'm out of greenies but I have to say this answer is great.

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 10:19 AM

That doesn't mean your kids pay the price. You made them you ow them your undivided attention till they become adults and than you move on. It's not by littering the world with mistakes and trying relationships like your at an amusement park with them in tow that's not going to give us a better young genaration . Ray

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 10:24 AM

What if mom 's new boyfriend is that sicko on TV not so good dad . But it'll be okay honey just close your eyes and go to sleep sweet dreams . Ray

this8384 · Oct 31, 2008, 10:24 AM

It sounds to me like you're bitter about the divorce and want to play the savior to your kids. Doesn't happen in real world.

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 10:39 AM

No I am not bitter it was a twenty year ride was gifted two great kids and would give my life for them to stay that way . If I only acquire the respect of my two kids for giving them my best try at a normal life then I'll stay single till it's achieved . Ray also basically your saying maybe if the kids want to go out and try new parent for a while so be it just sit back they'll figure it out. It will be some good life experience for them. Ray

stinawords · Oct 31, 2008, 10:47 AM

Did you not want to get divorced? This is America you can't force her not to date just because you are willing not to date. If you think you can win custody of the children by all means get a lawyer and go to court but arguing about morals on a legal board isn't going to get you anywhere.

daddyof2kids · Oct 31, 2008, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by this8384

It sounds to me like you're bitter about the divorce and want to play the savior to your kids. Doesn't happen in real world.

I hope I'm their savior I put them here I wouldn't expect anybody else Ray

ScottGem · Oct 31, 2008, 11:50 AM

Originally Posted by daddyof2kids

what if mom 's new boyfriend is that sicko on tv not so good dad . but it'll be okay honey just close your eyes and go to sleep sweet dreams . Ray

You know you keep twisting our words and perverting them. Either that or you haven't a clue what we are trying to tell you. But the above quote is just the OPPOSITE of what we are saying. We are telling you that your kids need to be taught that there are sickos out there and they need to be aware of that and know what the signs are so they avoid or deal with it if they do encounter it.

I've asked s few times WHY you (or your kids) object to the BF moving in and you've never answered.

You have three people now telling you the same thing. You are free to ignore our advice. But the bottomline is there is nothing you can do to prevent the boyfriend from moving in unless you can prove he's a danger to the kids.

missteetee · Nov 2, 2008, 09:06 PM

Are your kids in any phyiscal danger? Has he beaten or hurt your kids in any way? Is he a cruel person and why don't your kids like him? I think that they don't like the fact that mom has a new guy in their lives but please ask them why they don't like him. Why not just move them in with you?

this8384 · Nov 3, 2008, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by missteetee

Why not just move them in with you?

It's not that easy; he has to file with the court to have this done. He was already given that advice. Numerous people have already told him to go ahead with the background check if he really thinks it's necessary.

He seems to think that his 13-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son are incapable of handle their mother dating and doesn't want to hear anything otherwise.